Can you share some validating responses for me?

[Sadgirl92]

I have been reading the validating lessons and I use every single non validating example they gave. So that's my problem. I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY! So if anyone can give examples of some validating responses to the top 5 complaints my daughter gives:

1.  You should have been there for me. (I was. I really was. I was so much that I was falling asleep at my desk and crying in the bathroom at work) but I can't say that anymore I want to be validating.

2.  You're always so defensive.

3.  You shouldn't have let me make a fool out of myself. You let me look like an idiot.

4. You say such mean things and you make me angry and that's why I do the things I do to you.

5. You don't even care you just let me cry.

Well thanks for reading. I really appreciate the help. Even if you can direct the link with validating examples that would be very helpful because I couldn't find them on here. Thanks again. Btw my daughter is in her happy mode right now. I am enjoying the peace.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Sadgirl92:  

The information below on levels of validation might be helpful for you.  Minimally, don't invalidate (by words or expressions).  Perhaps, it might be less exhausting by varying your degree of validation.  Sometimes, just not invalidating, other times perhaps use first level validation with some positive nonverbal cues. 

Don't validate the invalid.  Don't accept blame and don't be responsible for her emotions.

Level One
Overall show interest in the other person (through verbal, nonverbal cues), show that you are paying attention (nodding, eye contact, etc.) Ask questions - "What then?" Give prompts - "Tell me more," "Uh-huh."

Level Two
Use accurate reflection - "So you're frustrated because you son hasn't picked up his room." Summarize what the person is sharing, then ask - "Is that right?" Take a nonjudgmental stance toward the person, be matter-of-fact, have an "of course" attitude.

Example: "My therapist doesn't like me."
Validation: "You are feeling really certain she hates you." Note that you don't have to actually agree with the person about their perceptions.

Level Three
Try to "read" a person's behavior, imagine what they could be feeling, thinking or wishing for. It feels good when someone takes the time to think about our life experiences. Remember to check for accuracy. It is best to not make assumptions.

Level Four
Validate the person's behavior in terms of causes like past events present events even when it may be triggered based on dysfunctional association. 

*Validate feelings like, "Since your new boss reminds you of your last one, I can see why you'd be scared to meet with her," or "Since you have had panic attacks on the bus, you're scared to ride one now."

Level Five
Communicate that the person's behavior is reasonable, meaningful, effective.
*Validate feelings like, "It seems very normal to be nervous before a job interview - that sure makes sense to me," or "It sounds like you were very clear and direct with your doctor."

Level Six
Treat the person as valid - not patronizing or condescending.
Recognize the person as they are with strengths and limitations.
Give the person equal status, equal respect.
Be genuine with the person about your reactions to them and about yourself.
Believe in the other person while seeing their struggles and pain.

Here are some more links to info. on validation:
VALIDATION:  :)ON'T INVALIDATE
www.eqi.org/invalid.htm#Defensiveness and Invalidation

VALIDATION WORKSHEET
https://dbtskillstraining.files.wordpress.com/2015/08/week-7-core-pdf.pdf

LEVELS OF VALIDATION
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation.html

I have been reading the validating lessons and I use every single non validating example they gave. So that's my problem. I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY! So if anyone can give examples of some validating responses to the top 5 complaints my daughter gives:

1.  You should have been there for me. (I was. I really was. I was so much that I was falling asleep at my desk and crying in the bathroom at work) but I can't say that anymore I want to be validating.

A.  I'm sorry you felt no one was there for you.  I had to be at work, but I was with you in thought and spirit.

B.  I'm sorry you felt alone.  .

2.  You're always so defensive.
What proceeded this comment?  Were you Justifying, Arguing and Defending or Explaining something?  (JADE)?

3.  You shouldn't have let me make a fool out of myself. You let me look like an idiot.

Note:  Don't accept the blame, don't validate the invalid
I'm sorry you felt like a fool. Do you want to talk about what some alternate behavior choices could be, if you run into a similar situation?

4. You say such mean things and you make me angry and that's why I do the things I do to you.

I'm sorry that some things I say seem mean to you.  Can we talk about some recent comments, that seemed mean to you?

NOTE: It would help to have some examples of comments that seemed mean to her.

5. You don't even care you just let me cry.

NOTE:  You can't be responsible for her emotions. Some background specifics might help with this one.  What was the root cause of her crying, in your view? 

Possible answer:  I never like to see you cry.  Some healthy ways to self soothe might be helpful.  Do you want to talk about some positive ways to self soothe?

Others might have some input for you for your validation examples.  Knowledge of additional details or comments made could change the suggestions.

[Naughty Nibbler]

SadGirl92:
One way to soften things when you want to tell you daughter that something passes a boundary with you (disturbs you and isn't acceptable), is to use "I" statements:

Here are some examples:

Situation 1:  Name Calling
Feeling: I feel angry and frustrated
When You or When:  When you call be an "F" ing B_tch.
Because: I don't want to be around someone who calls me names.  It only causes harm and doesn't resove anything.
Statement:  I feel angry and frustrated when you call me a name, because it only causes harm and doesn't resolve anything.


Situation 2:  Rushing towards me during a fit of rage
Feeling: Threatened
When You or When:  When you are angry and get too physically close
Because: It appears as if I'm about to be hit.  
Statement:  I feel threatened when you are angry and get too physically close, as it appears as if I'm about to be hit.

The tutorial below might be helpful:

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/i-message

www.compassioncoach.com/blog/when-use-i-statements

www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/i-statements

[Sadgirl92]

Exactly what I need to read. When I'm reading this tho, I have moments where I feel sorry for myself. Like why does this have to happen to me?  I'm a laid back California girl. I haaaaate drama. I'm in my 40s I just want to chill. You know?
I'm sure nobody wants to hear this Debbie Downer stuff, but dammit I'm tired. I work the rat race 40+ hours a week and have to deal with this drama when I get home ? Ugh
But, she's my daughter. I have to do it. If I want peace I know I have to spend my time reading and using my brain to make things better. But dang sometimes I just want to give up and watch a braindead reality show about the bachelor who gives the girl a rose.
Oh well. It is what it is I suppose. I wonder if anyone else feels like it isn't fair? Am I mean for just wanting to not have to do anything and just have happiness magically appear? I don't know why I'm writing this? It kind of feels good to feel sorry for myself for a minute.
If you're reading thanks.

[Naughty Nibbler]

I have moments where I feel sorry for myself. Like why does this have to happen to me?  I'm a laid back California girl. I haaaaate drama. I'm in my 40s I just want to chill. You know?     

You need to take care of yourself.  Have you thought about getting some therapy, either for yourself or perhaps joint counseling with your daughter?  It could help to have a therapist as a referee.  Your daughter needs to understand that it isn't okay to hit you and that there will be consequences. 

Is there a plan for your daughter to see a therapist?

The links below lead to some information on DBT Self Help, that could be helpful for your daughter and some other information that might be helpful for you.

www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/improve_the_moment_worksheet.html

https://dbtskillstraining.wordpress.com/

www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/08/Family-Guidelines-standard.pdf

www.bipolarsjuk.se/pdf/Handbook%20in%20DBT%20Group.pdf

[Sadgirl92]

Yes. She had an intake on Thursday and she has another one in two days. I have one with the same doctor a couple days later. Her main goal is Ativan she says so she can numb herself. But she has to talk to get it. So that's my hope.

 Idk. I do need to get a handle. I might be saying too much. I just feel trapped. Thank you for replying

[Naughty Nibbler]

Her main goal is Ativan she says so she can numb herself. But she has to talk to get it. So that's my hope.

Ativan is a benzo and is addictive.  The best way to use them is occasionally as needed.  Some people evolve into taking them every day and multiple times a day.  The more they take, the more they need.  Just a word of caution.

[Maple leaf]

Hi Sadgirl92

[Maple leaf]

Hi Sadgirl92,
I am quite new here myself and am just starting to learn how to help my young adult daughter and, like you, I am overwhelmed by all of it.  So, I am not here to respond to your question about validation, because I don't know anything about that yet.  I am here, however, to tell you that you are not alone in your ":)ebbie Downer" feelings.  Every once in a while I allow myself a little bit of a pity party and then I think to myself, "what a horrible mother - your daughter is the one struggling and she needs your help; stop being so selfish".  And then I feel crappy about myself.  But I, too, hate drama.  Can't we all just get along? 

My daughter is not severely BPD, so has never been violent (except the one time about a month ago, but it was property damage, not harming another person - and that is when she was diagnosed), but her bad moods just bring everyone down.  I am always trying to do things to make her happy (that may be a problem I need to work on... .) and when I ask her if she wants me to do a particular thing, she says "No, don't bother, it's just a waste of time" and then I find myself needling her to let me do this nice thing and then she acquiesces and I kind of end up feeling like she is doing ME the favour!  I am tired of feeling like I am responsible for her good moods.  And yeah, I would just like a period of more than a few hours when I know she is going to be nice to all of us, instead of always being a shrew.  I guess that is me being selfish again for wanting some peace and harmony in my home.

You work hard all day long and you need to have your "down time" to re-charge your batteries, but now you have to do all this reading of, frankly, kind of complicated stuff.  My brain hurts and I haven't even gotten through one self-help book yet! 

So, all said, I think you have every right to feel sorry for yourself.  And darn it, so do I... .  In fact, I think we all do!

[livednlearned]

Hi Sadgirl,

Validation is a good skill. It takes some emotional strength to use it effectively. Sometimes, working at not invalidating is about the best we can do.

Validating is different than not being invalidating. 

For example, validation requires empathy. It's the communication/verbal arm of empathy. If you take this one as an example:

1.  You should have been there for me.

She is stuck in a feeling where she is totally alone, unloved, unworthy, not whole. That's a scary lonely feeling for a child. Maybe you have felt that way at some point? If so, let it sink in and try to touch that feeling. Wait for a feeling of empathy before you say anything, if you can. Then speak to her -- "That must have felt awful to feel that way."

Empathy is something she is likely able to read in your voice, your facial expression, your eyes, your body language.

This is different than not being invalidating.

Invalidation is described here on the site as JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). It's pretty normal to do this when we feel wrongly maligned or attacked.

Sometimes the best we can do is to avoid JADEing.

(I was. I really was. I was so much that I was falling asleep at my desk and crying in the bathroom at work)

There is also a section in Valerie Porr's book about responding once to an ongoing allegation that can never be proven/disproven. Once and only once.

The key is to do it firmly and gently, and not defensively.

All of these skills require that you have some emotional strength, which is why self-care is so important. If your emotional needs for validation are not being met, validating someone else is super hard.