I am MADLY in love with my BPD wife, but my brain is pushing me to divorce

[Eyad]

Hello to you all,


First, allow me to thank you for having me here and reading my post. I came here to post because I am in a dire need for advice, guidance, or even comfort.


I am a 27 year old guy who's been married for slightly less than 3 years. My wife was never officially diagnosed with BPD as she never agreed to visit a psychiatrist or psychologist. However, it is crystal clear that she definitely meets all the criteria, especially the self-harm/suicidal attempt part.

I will not get into the BPD details here, as I am sure you all know all about it, or how it feels to love someone who suffers from it. I am posting here to ask for your opinion on how I should treat my marriage.

The thing is, I am CRAZY about my wife. When she's in a good mood, we connect incredibly well and we share what it seems like a perfect life. In that case, I feel like I am the king of the world. When she's not in a good mood (which is pretty common), I end up becoming either one of two things, her patsy or her worst enemy. I either live exactly her way or I should prepare myself for hours of illogical and uncontrollable fighting. That kind of fight that nothing I would do could ever stop it or even prevent it.

Many people choose to leave their BPD partners, and I totally understand. But in our case we seem to get back stronger after every major argument that she has become an essential part in my life.  I really cannot see myself living without talking to her every day, hugging her daily, cheering her up when she's down, or caring for her on a daily basis like I do now. I care deeply for her in a way I cannot explain. On the other hand, I feel overwhelmed by her most of the time. I really feel like I reached my limits when it comes to living with this.

Whenever I see her go through one of her episodes, I would be thinking:" alright, that's it, tomorrow we will end this". Later I find myself comforting her and calming her telling her everything will be fine while she's crying her eyes out. She always gets disgusted with herself when she rages like that, she always blamed herself for all those episodes afterwards. After breaking the glasses and throwing everything around, she'd collapse on the floor weeping like a child feeling all ashamed and weak. In that moment I would be thinking :" poor girl, I will not let you suffer this alone, I will be with you". She gradually gets back to her kind and loving self again for a few days before it repeats all over again. What really adds to this is that she's the innocent, sweet, and pure kind of girl. I mean, all of her behavior cannot be interpreted as controlling or abusive,  rather it feels like she simply cannot control herself because of BPD.

Now, why am I thinking about a divorce? If I take my feelings away, it becomes very clear that I shouldn't live like this. I mean, the years are passing by as I would hit 30 soon and I don't feel like I am getting the most out of this life. I deserve to live a normal and happy life. While I care for her deeply, I am tired of walking on eggshells everyday and worrying of what she would feel if I do this or say that. I want to live freely without feeling like my hands are cuffed all the time and my legs are tied to a tree. Everyday I would worry that her rage would ruin the day and we might spend the whole night yelling or me trying to prevent her from doing something foolish. (she gets extremely impulsive)

I am glad we have no kids yet, as divorce would be a thousand times easier, and I don't want to delay this decision as it can only get more difficult as we live longer together.

I apologize for writing such a long post, but I really would appreciate it if someone could guide me. Either way I take from here, I know that I would spend years regretting not taking the other route (staying vs splitting).

It really pains my heart to find myself at this point, that I am actually taking divorce so seriously that I am openly discussing it in such a forum. Poor girl, what would she feel like if she knew, how would she feel if I tell her that up straight. what can I say ... life could be very harsh ...

Thanks to all of you friends, I applicate your time and replies, really appreciate them.


Best regards,

[sad but wiser]

Dear Eyad,
  Nothing in the world makes a man feel more like a man than a BPD woman.  She provides him someone to care for and protect.  She has a purity of spirit like a child.  And that is the actual truth, she is a child in a woman's body.  When she rages illogically, it is because she still sees the world from a small child's perspective... .and probably always will.  Go to a park and observe small children at play.  Watch how they melt down and cry or throw tantrums to get their way.  It doesn't last long, because their emotional system isn't mature, it is shallow.  Notice how Moms comfort and wipe their tears away.  That is you.  For life.
   Do you want a family at some point?  Do you think you may need a true partner for support and understanding when things go wrong in your world?  Someone with BPD cannot provide those things.  They just don't have them to give.
   No, it isn't fair.  Not to her, not to you, certainly not to childeen you may have together.  It stinks, but that's the way it is.  It's not like she is dying and you can be there to strengthen her.  No, she is likely to live a long life.   I would definately encourage you to get her to a therapist.  Get her diagnosed.  Cluster B personality disorders can look fairly similar on the outside. 
Once you know for certain what you are dealing with, your decisions will be better informed.  BTW, if she thinks you might leave, she will probably get pregnant immediately to keep you.  Fairly common move.

[formflier]

*Welcome*

I'm so glad that you found us.  As you suspected... .I know all to well how twisted up inside you feel about the craziness going on around you.

You have found a safe place to learn about the disorder and how you can begin to take back control of your life and your relationship.  Best to keep your involvement with this board private.

After reading your story... .I'm convinced that we can help you in your relationship.

I end up becoming either one of two things, her patsy or her worst enemy. 

Can you tell us more about this?  Perhaps pick a recent example and give lots of details... .he said... she said.  That will help us guide you.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

I either live exactly her way or I should prepare myself for hours of illogical and uncontrollable fighting. That kind of fight that nothing I would do could ever stop it or even prevent it.

Hey eyad, Welcome!  you have come to the right place.  We get it about BPD.  Concerning your quote (above): right, that's the BPD dynamic that you describe.  It's their way or the highway, with no in between.  It's exhausting to walk that tightrope all the time.  The thing is, it usually doesn't get better my friend.  I should know, after a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  Suggest you keep posting and listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

[Eyad]

I thank you all for your kind replies and insight.

Dear Eyad,
  Nothing in the world makes a man feel more like a man than a BPD woman.  She provides him someone to care for and protect.  She has a purity of spirit like a child.  And that is the actual truth, she is a child in a woman's body.  When she rages illogically, it is because she still sees the world from a small child's perspective... .and probably always will.  Go to a park and observe small children at play.  Watch how they melt down and cry or throw tantrums to get their way.  It doesn't last long, because their emotional system isn't mature, it is shallow.  Notice how Moms comfort and wipe their tears away.  That is you.  For life.
   Do you want a family at some point?  Do you think you may need a true partner for support and understanding when things go wrong in your world?  Someone with BPD cannot provide those things.  They just don't have them to give.
   No, it isn't fair.  Not to her, not to you, certainly not to childeen you may have together.  It stinks, but that's the way it is.  It's not like she is dying and you can be there to strengthen her.  No, she is likely to live a long life.   I would definately encourage you to get her to a therapist.  Get her diagnosed.  Cluster B personality disorders can look fairly similar on the outside. 
Once you know for certain what you are dealing with, your decisions will be better informed.  BTW, if she thinks you might leave, she will probably get pregnant immediately to keep you.  Fairly common move.

Sad but Wiser:
Hello there. You put it in a way that I never thought of before ! she is not only like a child when angry, she definitely is like a child all the time. I never thought of this! After reading your post I started to observe her, and thankfully she was in a very good mood. The way she was joking, singing, and talking was definitely as if she was a child trapped in a woman's body. That also explains her innocent behavior that I referred to in my original post.

And about your questions, I definitely want to have kids. In fact, her condition is the only thing that stopped me from trying already. Had she not been like that, I might have been a father by now. This is exactly one of the reasons why I came here to post and see if divorce ends up being the right way of dealing with this.

I really thank you for you response

----

*Welcome*

I'm so glad that you found us.  As you suspected... .I know all to well how twisted up inside you feel about the craziness going on around you.

You have found a safe place to learn about the disorder and how you can begin to take back control of your life and your relationship.  Best to keep your involvement with this board private.

After reading your story... .I'm convinced that we can help you in your relationship.


Can you tell us more about this?  Perhaps pick a recent example and give lots of details... .he said... she said.  That will help us guide you.

FF

Formflier:

Hi, I am glad that I found this forum as well. It is indeed comforting to find people who can relate with you and guide me in this situation. If I explain this to my friends who are unaware about BPD, they would be like:" man, she's using you. How can you fall for that every time. Just end this you deserve better". Only that she really does not do any of that on purpose. We both are victims of this BPD, me and her alike.

I am glad you could see this work in the long run, and I wish you are correct. Me on the other side don't see this happening but I will keep trying for a while.
I will give you some examples of what I meant by:" I end up becoming either one of two things, her patsy or her worst enemy."

She usually has very specific needs in almost everything no matter how minor or small it is. It comes to me that I have to make this happen exactly as she wants, or else I become the guy who doesn't want her or care about her. Her tone could sometimes becomes very threatening and another fight breaks out.

Here's a fresh example from two days back: Usually, she feels abandoned or ignored if I go out without her. It is a reason why I started to see my friends much less. So, the other day I had one of my college friends in town for a few days, and we were very close back then so I really wanted to go see him. I asked her nicely, and thankfully she did not show much objection initially. I told her I'd be back by 8. Well, I had too much fun and I got home at 9. When I got back home, I found myself to be the worst person in her life and that I never cared about her or how she feels. She would use the words that would hurt me the most as if she wants to payback for something. Since I had just spent a good time before coming back home, I just couldn't take that and I started to defend myself and fire back at her. After a while, I started to try to stop the fight and give her everything she wants, but that was too late. She was like a train with no breaks. Anything I do or say would automatically make everything worse. After a few hours of that nightmare, she started to wish if she would die and end this misery or that we never got married. Of course, everything she does or says is in most dramatic fashion. When she calms down, she'd be apologizing and admitting that she's a complicated person and tough to live with. She would keep on crying on the floor saying how unbearable she is. Of course, I would usually go to work next day without much sleep.

That was the most recent events we had.

I apologize if it is long, and I appreciate any support or insight from you.


----------------------------


Lucky Jim:

I really thank you for your words. I can only imagine how many time you thought of separation during those 16 years. Tell me, what kept you going? I can imagine this has brought you down on your knees more times than you could count. You must have a trick or two after all those years. How do you recommend I should take this? I would really appreciate to hear something from you.



I thank you all for reading and replying to my post. Not only that being here could help me see things differently, but it also helps me vent a little bit and it makes feel more understood for what I am going through.


Sincerely,

[Eyad]

- Please delete this post, I typed here by accident 

[Notwendy]

Hi Eyad,

There is a lot of good advice on this board about BPD relationships- the lessons on the right about dealing with conflict- these anger episodes you describe- can be very helpful.

To stay or not to stay- that is an important question and while all of us can share our story- I will caution you in that these are individual decisions. While a relationship with someone with BPD can share characteristics in common, each relationship has unique circumstances.

For one: BPD exists on a spectrum. Some people are high functioning- the issues can be worked on to some extent. Some are low functioning. BPD behaviors can range from angry outbursts, to cheating, physical violence, substance abuse, but not every person with BPD does all of them.

The partners of the pwBPD vary in their own abilities to manage the issues in their relationships and their own contributions to the dysfunction: conflict, co-dependency.

When considering to stay or leave- one factor involves children. You are correct that having children influences the decision to stay or leave. Some partners may want to leave but feel that leaving would not be good for the children or fear they may not have as much contact with their child as they would like. A decision that one person makes in his/her situation may not be the same one you would make in yours.

Deciding to stay or leave involves individual conviction to do either one and a process of emotional growth. How is it that we ended up in our relationships. What is it about us that made us choose this person. Was it a single event, or do we have a history of choosing dysfunctional partners?

Because the decision to stay or leave is so individual- it would not be right for us to tell you which way to decide. However, from your post, there are some things that I think may help you with the situation.

Your heart is telling you one thing and your head something else. I don't know which one is going to prevail here, but I think it is important to listen to all of your thoughts and feelings- and not ignore them. Sometimes I think we tend to silence our reason when things seem OK. If you have not considered individual counseling- it can be helpful. You may think- why- she has the problem, not me. But counseling isn't just for people with mental health problems- it is for people who live with them and also for people who need support and help making decisions from someone objective and confidential. Counseling can help people navigate a relationship through staying or leaving.

You are correct that your personal situation- being young and not having children- makes leaving an easier decision if you choose it- than if you had a child. I think leaving a marriage is difficult - but when children are involved - it is infinitely more difficult. Since you are undecided about the fate of the marriage, it would make your decisions easier if you do not become a father until you are certain. However, I would heed sad but wiser's warning- and take complete responsibility for your part in using  birth control if you are not wanting to become a father.

Your statement about having children is important- that you would have been a father by now but you hesitate because of her issues. Is this who you want to be the mother of your children? Is she capable of being a mother? Does she want to be? If you don't think she is able to be a good mother, are you willing to forgo parenthood? If you do have children- how much can you be involved in their care?

These are just some of the questions that I saw in your posts. I also think it is important to keep your ambivalence and concerns about the marriage to yourself and not discuss them with her or let on to them. Because they would feel so hurtful and threatening, in addition to BPD, it may not be possible to recover the level of trust in your marriage should you choose to stay. It would increase the drama in the relationship. I don't suggest you be secretive or mean, but I think some quiet time with yourself to get some clarity before making any statement or decision is important. Sometimes when there is drama- our focus is not on us, but the drama and the other person. Take some time to focus on you, your thoughts, your feelings, without adding more issues at the moment. Should you choose to leave, know that it is difficult and emotional- so it is important to be certain and to have support in place ( counseling ) if you take that route. Should you choose to stay-the same supports and conviction can help you navigate the relationship.

[Lucky Jim]

I can only imagine how many time you thought of separation during those 16 years. Tell me, what kept you going? I can imagine this has brought you down on your knees more times than you could count. You must have a trick or two after all those years. How do you recommend I should take this? I would really appreciate to hear something from you.

Hey eyed, Yes, I thought about throwing in the towel many times.  It's different, I submit, when you have young kids.  I felt I owed it to them to provide a level of stability to counterbalance the turbulent emotions of my BPDxW.  Yet I ran myself into the ground and it all came unglued, which was no help to my kids.  Yes, BPD brought me to my knees.  I don't know of any magic bullet, but I can make a few suggestions:

Avoid getting isolated from friends and family, because it's essential to keep one's perspective while riding the BPD wave;

Listen to your gut feelings.  I ignored mine even though I knew something was seriously wrong in my marriage.

Don't pretend that things are OK when they are not.  Try to be true to yourself and admit to others when you are struggling.

OK, I have more to say to you but will leave it there for now.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

  We both are victims of this BPD, me and her alike.

I am glad you could see this work in the long run, and I wish you are correct. Me on the other side don't see this happening but I will keep trying for a while.
 

She usually has very specific needs in almost everything no matter how minor or small it is. It comes to me that I have to make this happen exactly as she wants, or else I become the guy who doesn't want her or care about her. Her tone could sometimes becomes very threatening and another fight breaks out.

 When I got back home, I found myself to be the worst person in her life and that I never cared about her or how she feels. 

give her  , 

 Anything I do or say would automatically make everything worse. 

After a few hours of that nightmare,

Short term goals:  Do you think it would work to spend a week or two focused on learning things on bpdfamily, and then try to start making changes in your r/s?

It's important that you understand "why" you should make the changes, as well as "what" you are going to change.

Couple things to begin thinking about.

1.  Are you a victim... .or do you have choices?  Do these two mindsets seem very different to you?

2.  Can you get to a place where you are ok with her thinking you are horrible, don't meet her needs, blah blah blah... .?   Basically... .will you allow her to think what she wants... .and will you be able to think what you want?  Is it ok for those to be different?

3.  I agree that we get to a place where anything we say and do doesn't matter or makes it worse.  If that is the case, what is the best course of action?

4.  Are you going to be able to get yourself to a place where you can disengage, even if she wants to engage on an issue?  Couple hours of BPDish horror is draining... .on even the strongest person.

What would your life (energy level, happiness... .etc etc) be like if you listened to 2-3 minutes of blather... .realized there was no solving this and did something else with your life, something you enjoy, for the next couple hours.

FF

[Eyad]

Short term goals:  Do you think it would work to spend a week or two focused on learning things on bpdfamily, and then try to start making changes in your r/s?

It's important that you understand "why" you should make the changes, as well as "what" you are going to change.

Couple things to begin thinking about.

1.  Are you a victim... .or do you have choices?  Do these two mindsets seem very different to you?

2.  Can you get to a place where you are ok with her thinking you are horrible, don't meet her needs, blah blah blah... .?   Basically... .will you allow her to think what she wants... .and will you be able to think what you want?  Is it ok for those to be different?

3.  I agree that we get to a place where anything we say and do doesn't matter or makes it worse.  If that is the case, what is the best course of action?

4.  Are you going to be able to get yourself to a place where you can disengage, even if she wants to engage on an issue?  Couple hours of BPDish horror is draining... .on even the strongest person.

What would your life (energy level, happiness... .etc etc) be like if you listened to 2-3 minutes of blather... .realized there was no solving this and did something else with your life, something you enjoy, for the next couple hours.

FF

Hey again, and thanks for showing this support again. I apologize I couldn't have replied sooner.

I will definetly go through the materials offered at this site. Actually, I already have started reading some of it, and I am determined to read more as it does give great insight and ways to identify and deal with what I am going through.

I will answer your questions,

1- No, I don't feel as a victim. I do believe that we have choices, and we are products of our actions, decisions, and thoughts. Since my condition three years from now will be the result of my actions today, I am now thinking thoroughly of what would me make me happier in the future. Divorce could get me there, and also it could make me regret this decision for the rest of my life.

2-good question, I could definitely do that at times. It all comes down to my mental state at that time. If am feeling well, then I let her speak her mind even if she says something completely unfair. But, if she does that while I am stressed, sleep deprived, or tired, then I would reply back to her and we start arguing. This usually does not end well.

3- Knowing the answer to this question could save my marriage. However, for all the years we've been together, nothing I've tried really works. I tried being super nice, but then should get meaner. I tried leaving the house, but then should would threaten she would break things or heart herself. I tried arguing with her, well, you know how that would go. I don't really know what to do in those times, I just ride the wave of her anger until she calms down after a few hours. Usually, that's a nerve wrecking experience.

4- No. As I said in the previous question, I tried getting myself to another room, leaving the house, putting my headphones on, sleeping, etc. She just doesn't allow me. Whatever I do, she always gets one step ahead and forces me give her all of my attention all the time. When I completely ignore her and pretend I am doing something else, then she would start hurting herself knowing that I would rush to her help.


Allow me to thank you again for trying to help me out. As I said, If our issue ends by me not reacting to her rages, then I wouldn't mind living with this for the rest of my life, it would be a lot easier and more doable. But THIS, her trying to get me more involved in those episodes no matter what I do is really getting the best of me.


Thanks again.

[Notwendy]

When she starts hurting herself- have you considered calling 911?

Being young and childless, your choices are different than someone with children. I think this is something to consider. How would you manage the rages with a child in the home? Could you go to work and leave her with the child, and feel secure they would both be safe?

One thing you can work on is the idea of JADE. When being accused of something, it is natural to want to defend yourself. I agree that you don't have to accept what she says as truth about you- but consider that- just because someone says something about you- does not make it true. Although you want to defend yourself, realizing that in the moment of emotion, JADE is like adding fuel to the fire. She can't think about it rationally, it feels invalidating, and often escalates the argument.

Whatever you decide- to stay or to leave- the tools here are useful for communication with your wife and that is something that can aid you in either step.

[Eyad]

Alright, so it's been 8 months since I started this thread.

I tried to save our marriage. I really did. It is extremely painful to leave her, but it is even more painful to live like this for ever. After our last huge fight that nearly got me on my knees begging for her to stop, we both agreed that we shouldn't live this way for ever. So, we agreed to separate for 2 weeks so that we could think it through. We both hinted that it could be the end of our marriage. We have 6 more days to go before we should let the other know what we decided. My brain is asking me to run away as fact as I could, but my heart just yearns for her, dreams of her, and hopes that we die side by side. I am afraid those feelings would consume me if I decided to get a divorce.

I think I am going to follow my brain here. Is there anyone here who regretted divorcing their BPD partner?


I would greatly appreciate any help or insight I get from you guys. Thanks a lot.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Eyad, Let's agree, as you and your W did, that you both can't go on this way.  That's a good starting point, I think.  If you decide to stay, how would things be different?  What are the changes that would have to happen?  Are those changes realistic?  Instead of thinking with your brain or your heart, I suggest listening to your gut feelings, which involves a physical sense of what is right for you.

No, I don't regret getting a divorce from my BPDxW because I doubt I could have survived had I stayed.  I was on a self-destructive path.  It was rough sledding, not doubt, but the pain was worth it because now I'm on the other side.

LuckyJim

[Eyad]

Hey Eyad, Let's agree, as you and your W did, that you both can't go on this way.  That's a good starting point, I think.  If you decide to stay, how would things be different?  What are the changes that would have to happen?  Are those changes realistic?  Instead of thinking with your brain or your heart, I suggest listening to your gut feelings, which involves a physical sense of what is right for you.

No, I don't regret getting a divorce from my BPDxW because I doubt I could have survived had I stayed.  I was on a self-destructive path.  It was rough sledding, not doubt, but the pain was worth it because now I'm on the other side.

LuckyJim

I thank you for your reply.

I would say my gut feelings are telling me to end the marriage. I asked myself:" would I wish that my brother for example gets into such a life?". I immediately answered with a big no without thinking. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.


I think I know what I would tell her 5 days from now.


Thanks all again for listening.

If you allow me to ask, did her BPD cause you to fall out of love with your wife before getting a divorce? Was your divorce difficult? Or did it feel like it was the right thing to do right away? Thanks.

[holden76]

Eyad,

Escape man!  the hard road is leaving the toxic situation, the easy road is staying and giving her another chance after chance. I am one month out since my ex wife asked for a divorce after I caught and confronted her about emotionally reaching out to someone. Married 4.75 years, together almost 7 years. Crazy relationship very similar to yours, I was drained and tired of it many many times and escaped and left many times, but her tears and begging and me knowing her abandonment issues, I always felt bad and gave her another chance, only to end up back in the infinity of walking on eggshells wondering what would set her off next. She won't change unfortunately because they believe we are the problem, or at least they lie to themselves enough that we are and they truly believe it. I wasn't happy most of the time and I should of left her years ago, but you get stuck in remembering those good moments and kidding yourself that this is the true her and one day maybe she will overcome her disorder and become this good person the majority or time. If you don't end it, I would bet one day you will get blind sided when she leaves you for her next target , your replacement , the next victim.

I still miss some of it, as I lived with her for almost 7 years. but I also know that one day in the future I will look back on this at a great turning point in my life when the weight was taken off my shoulders and I could breathe again. It's a fight, but one day at a time

[formflier]

Eyad,

I'm less interested in the decision you actually make (to stay or divorce), than I am in how you make the decision.  Obviously such a decision has lifelong consequences (which can be good and bad).

A few things to consider.

"make" your decision today, in writing (with reasons) and then put it away for a month or two. 

During those couple months, focus hard on learning what you can here and practicing the tools. 

A couple months from now "make" your decision again (with reasons) and then pull out your writing from a few months ago.  What changed?  Do you feel your have more or less power?  Is your r/s more or less "stable"... .

Said another way... .I want you to be deliberate with your evaluations of your relationship "over time", vice reacting to your feelings "of the moment".

From experience, I can tell you those are hard to separate.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

If you allow me to ask, did her BPD cause you to fall out of love with your wife before getting a divorce? Was your divorce difficult? Or did it feel like it was the right thing to do right away? Thanks.

Hello again Eyad, Yes, I fell out of love before we parted ways.  I should note that my Ex was also an alcoholic, which is not so unusual for someone suffering from BPD.  The abuse and rage slowly but surely caused our love to die out.  Yes, divorce is difficult, no matter what the circumstances, and probably more so when it involves a pwBPD.  Concerning whether it felt like the right thing to do, I can only relate that after we separated, I never seriously considered going back to the drama, abuse and turmoil.  Since then, life is a lot more peaceful and I'm back on MY path again.

LuckyJim

[Jami]

Hello Eyad,

i'm jumping in after reading the whole thread and finding out that 8 months have passed between posts. It's very interesting to read how things evolved over time.

Surely, the decision is only yours. I haven't been married to my BPDx but shared similar feelings of deep, unconditional, compassionate love for him. I also felt "he was the one" and, for a long while, was ready to deal with pretty much everything that came along with him. After many ups and downs and several recycles, i have fallen out of love due to his abuses, mind-blowing tantrums and unacceptable behaviour. I wasn't equipped to cope with it and lacked the needed communication skills to "contain" BPD. I found out he has this PD only after we separated. The emotional entanglement between us has kept me going back to him several times after our first separation, but ultimately i had to admit to myself that it was just a No Go.

In hindsight, i think that even if i had the knowledge i acquired "posthumously" about BPD, i couldn't have done much to save the relationship. It may have helped us to better cope and be more stable, but i doubt it would have made me any happier. I would still have been walking on eggshells, and most of my energies would have been invested into containing him. May be said that i have a child from a previous marriage. This was certainly a huge factor in my decision.

I do not regret the split up. Sure, he is still in my dreams (at night) and letting go of the many powerful feelings and deep connection has been utterly painful. It was tough to go through the mourning process, to disentangle, to find a new balance and get back on my feet again. With external help (therapy, BPD forum, insightful friends) i've managed to accept what happened and am making small steps to retrive myself, day by day. Despite the pain i know that for myself and my son, separation was the good decision. But this is my story.

I wish you wisdom, strength and loads of self-love

Jami

[Lucky Jim]

I would say my gut feelings are telling me to end the marriage. I asked myself:" would I wish that my brother for example gets into such a life?". I immediately answered with a big no without thinking. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

I like that hypothetical question about your brother, which says a lot.  I go with my gut feelings these days.  I ignored my gut when I married my Ex and it led to a lot of pain and misery.

LJ

[Red5]

@Eyad,

"If you allow me to ask, did her BPD cause you to fall out of love with your wife before getting a divorce?"

If you stay long enough in your relationship, you will reach a point of absolute apathy, in which you will not care anymore whether it ends or keeps on going, after many years of endless arguments, belittling, and the constant "wearing down"... .most of us here are "care takers" so to speak, we feel the "FOG" as another here spoke of in this post, one of the biggest reasons you may not want to leave is because you have children together, and you do not want to leave them with the sig-other full time, .separation and divorce, and any kind of "joint custody" is unthinkable, because you will wonder what is going on, are they targets now, are they now suffering under the BPD behaviors in/during your periodic absence, .you will be afraid for your children while you are not with them, and also what if she brings aboard another man to take your place, .it is not an easy "row to hoe"... .come here and learn all you can I say, be strong, and use the tools to make it through, one day at a time, until you may be able to leave one day, after your children are "safe" and on their own... .tough choices to be sure, and only you can make the choice, know that you are not alone.

In your case, you say that you have no children with your wife (pw/BPD)... .this is changes things quite a bit, .even though you may have history together, financial obligations, assets etc'... .you should think about what staying in the relationship will do to you psychologically over the long term if you continue to stay, .at least you may have a legitimate reason as to the problems that you are having in your relationship with your wife, .I will say this in closing, if you stay, and continue to "battle" this, you will be worn down, your happiness will be evaporated, you as a person will change, you will become bitter, .in a way, you will become lost in this, even if you are a strong person, you will come to realize that the wife of your youth that you once loved, and cared for has become a person that you can not stand to even be around... .this is a terrible way to live, .as I said, you will be a caretaker, .and you will be drained emotionally, .you will become a battered shell... .do these people with borderline ever change, form what I have read, the answer is no, even if they go to therapy, its not ever a guarantee, and you are going to have to live with this, as I said, no easy choices here, .in the meantime, continue to educate your self on this as much as you can, so that you may take some solace in knowledge, as you will come to understand "why"... .why this is happening in your relationship with your wife,

Hang in there, v/r Red5

[formflier]

For me... .I love my kids and that is the main driving force for many of my decisions.

My wife is hot and I still find her attractive.

The "love" I felt for her before BPD charged onto the scene is pretty much gone.  There are times I allow us to get closer and I'll enjoy it for a brief moment, then I consciously put some distance between us.

Every r/s is unique, and what I've learned is that my wife can't "take" being to close for too long.  She will do something to sabotage.

So... .a couple weeks of really great intimacy is ok.  Stretch it to a few months and something bad is going to go down. 

Said another way... .I manipulate our r/s with an understanding of her and how push pull normally plays out.

Basically, enjoy some closeness.  Find a reason to put distance in and try to keep things "mostly" at a point where she is "pulling" me back in. 

FF

[Eyad]

I found a great deal of wisdom, support, and experience in all of your replies. I appreciate all of them. I have read them all at least a couple of times. Thanks for listening, and thanks for the advice.


I will keep you updated.