"Unilateral" Decisions

[eaglebek]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here but realizing I need to spend a good bit of time on this site in the coming days, weeks, and months. I'm looking for some help with preparing for a custody hearing on January 3rd, and I should probably give a little background. I'll try to be brief - as with most of you, I could go on for pages and pages.

I've been married 5 years 1/2 years, and for 5 years my wife and I were overseas as missionaries. I was granted a sabbatical, and we left our country in June. 1 1/2 years ago we started the process to adopt (no other children... .won't even go into my wife's perceived medical issues and how they have played into everything). Well, the adoption timing all worked out so that as we left our country, we travelled to our son's country and were able to adopt him. We arrived back in the United States in August.

There were signs all throughout our adoption process and arriving back in the States that things weren't right between my wife and son. My son (7 years old) is the most amazing kiddo! He spent his whole life in the orphanage and has come out, on the surface at least, as unscathed as you could ever imagine. He and I have bonded SO well. He and my wife, not so much. She quickly began accusing HIM of not bonding with her. It was all his fault. Outbursts upon outbursts of my son reacting out against her crazy demands, and I was called in to deal with most of them. My wife would also shut herself in the bedroom for hours because she was too tired to deal with him. She would also just sit in the living room on Pinterest for hours while I played with him... .but if she didn't like something that was going on, she'd gripe at him.

On October 18th, I'll just say she completely lost it. She gave me a phone and asked me to call our social worker to confirm that our son has Reactive Attachment Disorder (an absurd accusation, completely unfounded, and a frightening diagnosis to want to label a child with). Several other things happened that morning (including me threatening to call 911 - she was so unstable I seriously thought she would attack me or my son). I asked her to leave, and my brother and I took her to meet her father (halfway across the state).

Previous to that, we had 2 sessions with a counselor. On the 3rd session, which I had to go to by myself, the counselor said she wouldn't see us together any more. She said she could clearly see that there were psychiatric issues involved, and my wife needed the services of a psychiatrist. My stepmom is also a professor and doctor of psych nurse practitioning. She has a reputation as "queen of the borderline" for being able to diagnose it so well, and she finally disclosed to me that she's been worried for years that my wife has borderline (among 2 or 3 other Cluster B personality disorders).

Fastforward 2 months. During the time we were separated, I allowed daily Skype calls (sometimes twice daily) with our son. Those were a mess, but I won't go into that. I did resist allowing her to see him in person. I was asking her to get a psych assessment. She didn't really push to see our son. I counted 3 direct references in my pages of written documentation where she asked to see him. MOST of her pleas were to see ME (and then she *might* throw our son in too). So she finally did get a psych assessment in the middle of November. I drove up for the appointment. The appointment was four HOURS long, and the psychiatrist ONLY spoke to my wife and her mother. The psych never spoke to me. Diagnosis? Major depressive disorder... .plus the husband and his family need to be more gracious and supportive of the wife. 

There's several other details I'm leaving out for length, but I finally decided to move forward with divorce. There were complicated venue issues associated with our case, so it took my lawyer some time to get ready. My wife was kind of pressing me, and I made the mistake of telling her that I was filing for divorce. She blindsided me by lying to me about getting an attorney and then suddenly served me with papers for a legal separation. She threatened to come and take our son on December 1st. That, coupled with some other things, stirred my lawyer to get an ex parte order that gave me emergency, temporary custody of our son... .and the local judge GRANTED it - no questions asked - supervised visitation only. (I should say in all this time she DID get 2 times to visit with our son. Our son enjoyed the time playing with Mama but then didn't care less when it was time for her to leave).

We've had two hearings so far about venue and custody. My wife's attorney is brutally unethical, andl, my wife won the venue hearing when she stated that in 5 years of marriage her heart had never been overseas with me; it had been at her parents' house the whole time. The judge ruled that since my "heart" was still overseas I'm not a resident of the state, and since hers was here she is, so now, until my son is 18, our entire court journey is going to be before this ridiculous judge that's 5 hours away from where I live. (yes this is all as ridiculous as it sounds)

I would try to settle for 50/50 custody and get this court mess over, but I'm not in a financial place to be able to uproot and move (I'm having to live with family just like she is, and where she is is one of the most expensive areas in the state). I don't feel I have any other choice but to fit for temporary custody on the 3rd.

So here's where the questions are:
- During all of this, I took steps to enroll my son in school (he did GREAT in school, by the way). My wife was homeschooling him before we separated; it was terrible... .and during the separation, she would go on and on about just needing me to be with her, etc., etc... .virtually nothing about our son, and maybe 3 or 4 oblique references to his schooling. So I acted, met with school district people, TRIED to ask her for thoughts about his education, which she didn't answer, and then chose to enroll him while the ex parte order was in effect (it later got dissolved because of the venue nonsense).
- I also took our son to a pediatrician. He needed a follow-up. My wife was not asking anything about how he was doing, if we should get him in to see a doctor, etc... .So I took responsibility and acted. Ped suggested a surgeon's consultation (something minor). Wife accused me of putting him under the knife without telling her - ridiculous!
(continued below)

[eaglebek]

(sorry this is so long!)

Based on the two hearings and the brutal motions her attorney has filed against me, I know that their case against me has two main tenants: 1) I made unilateral decisions without her, and 2) I withheld the child for no good reason. Afterall, she ONLY has major depressive disorder and she ONLY stuck her finger down his throat when he took a pretzal without asking (just to name one of the more severe incidents). No big deal, right?

I have around 150 pages of documentation - all our e-mails, Facebook messages, Skype call recordings, my personal journal entries, text messages... .

I'm just wondering if anyone has advice on the best ways to combat those two accusations.

My lawyer was a federal prosecutor, so I'm not worried about her being able to handle herself in the court room, and she has a slew of witnesses lined up - especially some key people from the local school board to testify about my proactive steps and my amazing bond with my son. But I'm afraid they're going to nail me with parental alienation or something like that, and my wife is absolutely set on ripping this child away (she doesn't care one bit about the positive roots he's made in 2 months and the great start he had in school) and getting him in school where she lives. As I stated before, wife's lawyer is BRUTAL and will stoop lower than you can imagine and twist the truth and the law. I'm praying a lot, trying to trust God for justice here (which will ultimately come no matter what, I believe, no matter the custody hearing outcome), but I am nervous about losing my little buddy. His life's been hard enough already, but my wife doesn't care one bit about that.

Wow, if you read all that, thanks for taking the time! And thanks in advance for any advice!

[livednlearned]

Hi eaglebek,

Wow, you are going through a lot and managing to hold things together under the circumstances. Your son sounds like a wonderful person and you are fortunate to have found each other.

As for the legal stuff, the other side always makes brutal claims, so you are in the realm of normal on that one, sad to say.

Her lawyer is taking the strengths of your case (status quo time with son, documentation, bonding, etc.) and trying to level the playing field by making false allegations. This happens all the time, it's a way to get the judge to think it's easiest to just split things down the middle.

What strategy is your lawyer suggesting you take? The documentation is excellent, you'll need it. And the fact she has experience litigating is good. What kind of custody are you going for? Full custody? Does she plan to call in an adoption expert? Or someone who can explain to the judge the importance of continuity for an adopted child?

What do you know about the judge? That's the part that really stinks. Not having a lawyer who understands what your judge is about. Some shoot from the hip, some go so strictly by technicalities, almost like they are reading a decision tree. Some come from other kinds of law that can help them -- mine came from juvenile court and I felt he was dialed into kids in a way that wouldn't occur if the background was, say, real estate.

Have you considered doing a deposition of your wife? This becomes sworn testimony that can then be used to cross-examine in court. People with BPD tend to experience such severe cognitive distortions under stress, or impulsively say things in the moment to protect their shaky sense of self, that the truth kinda goes out the window. And then, in court, it can be very easy to draw out how much falsehood is going on.

You don't want her lawyer masking how disordered she is, so the more you can draw out direct evidence of her thought process, the better. The judge is considered a supreme witness, so essentially, whatever happens in that court is a piece of evidence, including her on the stand.

Another thing to consider (though expensive) is an MMPI-2 -- an objective psyche test. Your mom may be familiar with it. It's more likely to pick up whether the person taking the test is "presenting falsely" and is also more likely to pick up signs of a PD. The thing is, if you do prove she has BPD, you'll need an expert witness to explain how BPD parenting can impact a child. And that is $$$.

Here is the most important thing I learned about court: have a solution. Make it easy for the judge. Most people who end up in court over a custody battle have terrible problem-solving skills. They expect the judge to solve their problems for them. Judges tend to start looking at everyone in their court room like a child. So come prepared with solutions that are reasonable, plus a little extra that you can give away if necessary.

For example, "Your honor, my client and adoption experts believe it is intensely risky to uproot this child. He is adopted and has been through more than many of us can imagine. He needs stability, he needs to stay in the school with people who have bonded with him, including his father. He also needs his mother, and we propose to the court that mother can drive x hours to be with her son in his setting on alternating weeks. During the other weeks, my client will make the drive."

Or something like that. Don't leave it up to the judge.

As much as you can, put your wife in the position to make an effort. Likely, you are right. She does not really want the child, she just doesn't want to lose something she feels is hers. And she wants you. The more the court order puts in her lap, the less likely she will rise to the occasion. You, on the other hand, will likely comply with everything. So if it comes down to time with your son, let her make the effort (if you can work this into your solution within reason).

Also, angle things so that your lawyer writes up the order. It will cost you money, but your lawyer can add important things in there (that are normal, reasonable language) that can make a big difference if/when you have to file a motion for contempt. That's leverage, and you really need leverage in these cases. Once you have the hearing, and the judge rules, and your lawyer writes up the order, you all go back to court to have it entered, and more often than not, everyone agrees to what is there. With a disordered spouse, the language in that order can make a big difference.

As an example, you can include consequences for non-compliance. Standard things that your lawyer can help you think through together. Tighten all the loopholes and think 5 steps ahead. Your wife is actually quite predictable, so use that to your advantage.

It's sad to think of it this way, especially because she is very, very ill. Our legal system does a terrible job dealing with custody so we have to be mindful and careful to make sure we protect our kids from the same system we use to protect them  

Oh, and if you haven't already, read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy.

It's required reading for people like us.

[eaglebek]

livednlearned,

Thanks for your response. Right now I'm seeking to be the residential, educational parent. I'm not trying to completely remove our son's mother from his life, just minimize her time as much as possible. We are talking about calling in our social worker who was also a behavioral psychologist. The social worker also, over the phone, with limited information, guessed on her own that my wife might have borderline (after I described some of what had been going on).

We know next to nothing about the judge other than her ruling on venue was one of the worst rulings my attorney and her office have ever heard. I did just learn that she's a mother of 3. My attorney thinks judges who are mothers are often harder on moms... .I guess we'll see... .I am having to shop around for a new attorney. My current one has been amazing, but with venue being ruled halfway across the state, it's just too far for her. Have 2 free consultations today with attorneys local to that area.

I'll ask about the deposition, although my attorney just asked yesterday about paying for a transcript from my wife's testimony at the venue hearing. I think she's hoping to catch her in some lies. I think my attorney's strategy is to call my wife and her family out on a lot of the crap that happened between her and my son, but I think even more pivotal to the case is using witnesses from the local school district to testify to the lengths they've gone to accommodate our son's situation and get him setup for success. They've "moved mountains" as my attorney says. For example, knowing his orphanage background and that he had harsh female caregivers (and that there were issues with his mom, though I didn't give specifics), they hand-picked his school and the most nurturing, gentle female teacher they could think of. My attorney is planning to assert that, while the area where my wife lives is more affluent, there's no chance our son would get such individualized attention. These people are also prepared to testify to my interactions with our son. They state that I'm an exceptional father - not bragging on myself, this is what other people say. In other words, rather than all-out trashing my wife (though accountability is going to be involved), I think she's hoping to prove that I'm just that great of a dad and so my son should continue living with me.

It's sort of controversial, but my stepmom is actually an extremely qualified expert witness. She's been in psych over 20 years and was the chair of the nursing department at the local university. Still up in the air as to whether or not she'll testify. There's some drama about how she wrote a letter to the psych who assessed my wife. Originally my wife refused to allow me to come, so my stepmom wrote a letter to the dr (didn't give a diagnosis but just listed symptoms that concern her). She wrote it on university letterhead to establish her credentials, and now wife's attorney is sort of after her too for misrepresenting the university.

Everything you said about having a solution makes so much sense - thanks! What's hard about this is that my wife seems to have an endless supply of money (NO idea how!) I'd move to her area of the state and do 50/50 to get the seemingly never-ending legal mess over except I don't have a job, my best job prospects are in the area I'm currently at, and where she lives is outrageously expensive. Going to continue to wrack my brain and grasp at straws for some way to get her to settle, but I know I've read hear that that's probably futile.

I have read the Splitting book and continue to refer back to it. I'm actually in the middle of trying to sort evidence into the 3 suggested categories: "false statements," "patterns of abuse," and "truths about me."

[ForeverDad]

Since he has been with you two for only about a half year, I seriously wonder whether (1) whether the marriage has any hope of succeeding and (2) whether she ought to even continue as parent, especially considering her perceptions of and issues with him.  Of course, anything and everything would probably trigger her so be careful what you say and how it's said.  Others not as emotionally entangled with her may get through to her better.

How can the marriage recover if there have been allegations of that sort?  Do you still have hopes she will change, considering that the years with her didn't improve and got worse?