Intro

[Tattered Heart]

Hi, My husband has undiagnosed BPD with NPD traits. For the last year things have started to get better with him going through 3 months cycles that include long idolize phases and shorter devalue discard phases. We are currently under a lot of personal stress as we just bought a new house, CHristmas is around the corner, and my husband is experiencing a lot of stress at work. He is devolving and I find myself extremely depressed as his cycle is now about 2 weeks. I just need somewhere to share and to focus on actual support and growth.

I've tried some facebook sites for narcissist, but it seemed like those sites weren't about growth. They were about bashing their partner and constant encouragement to leave. I'm not leaving my husband. He is my spouse and I chose to be with him in good times and bad. But I also know that I have to find a way to take care of myself. I went through counseling this summer and it really helped me, but I find myself slipping in my boundaries and I need to get back to focusing on that. Hopefully the encouragement from this site will help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Tattered Heart,

Welcome and hello 

The holidays are stressful, that's for sure, and a new house on top of things. I think many of us with BPD loved ones experience the kind of devolution you talk about this time of year. And like you point out, people with BPD don't handle stress very well, and moving is stressful.

What are some of the behaviors that surface when he is going through a cycle? How do you respond? What are the boundaries you feel slipping?

Any kids?

Glad you found the site, there is a lot of support here and people seeking solutions 

LnL

[Tattered Heart]

Right now the main behaviors I'm seeing is that he is hypercritical, taking things too literal, wanting to punish if things are perfect, and general getting angry over little things. He used to rage, but he got that under control and only rages every 4-5 months (which is a huge improvement from almost weekly).

Usually I respond by trying to validate, asking him questions, and trying not to get emotionally worked up. That was going very well until I started to get depressed. I'm currently weaning myself off an anxiety/depression medicaiton because I wanted to see if I could handle life without it, but with this last titration down I'm in a dark place. So when he begins to dysregulate I do not have the mental energy necessary to handle it appropriately. All of my energy is going into just getting up in the morning to go to work. Last night I decided that I'm going to have to go back on the medication. I need to be as "normal" as possible because if I can't maintain peace inside my own head then I won't be able to mentally keep it togehter enough to deal with the junk he tries to put on me too.

Thankfully we do not have children. I cannot imagine how much harder it would be to try to raise children in this environment. He has made our dog poop out of fear during one of his rages.