Christmas thoughts

[rarsweet]

I have mixed feelings this Christmas. I am sad and angry that it is another Christmas without anything from my daughter's father. I let her go to his family's Christmas gathering yesterday. Of course he wasn't there since he now has no contact with any of his family. I was upset that a distant step uncle that lives across the country and has never even met my daughter sent a present for her, but her father can't even send a card. I am also relieved that he is out of the picture, at least for now, and that she is so happy and healthy. She has no memory of him and the only reference she has of dads is of the other kids dads we know and movies. I am starting to think about the day she asks if she has a dad. When she plays with her dollhouse dolls she has a dad doll. I don't know what I will say to her when she asks. I have been thinking I should probably have a talk with his family if they plan on staying in her life. Talk about what we can say about her dad so we are on the same page. But I also try hard not to put them in the middle. I don't want her to think her dad didn't want her and I don't want her to think her dad is screwed up. Has anyone else had a completely absent other parent? Is it better if the kids are young enough to not have any memory of them?

[VitaminC]

Hi rarsweet,

I don't have an answer to your question, I'm sorry, but wanted to let you know that I pictured your little girl playing happily with her dollhouse and putting in a dad doll, and being warm and familiar and happy at her grandparents'. I think it's wonderful that she has that whole other big family to create context for her life.

It sounds like talking to his family in advance of her asking any questions is a good idea. You sound like a sensitive and capable mother and I am sure you will find the right words for the right amount of information, when your daughter begins to ask questions. How old is she? Has she never spoken of it?

Have a lovely Christmas   

[rarsweet]

She is 29 months old now. I invited ex to her birthday party in July and he came for an hour. She did not react to him at all. Other than that she hasn't seen him since February and had only been seeing him for around 10 hours a week for the 6 months before that. We had 50/50 from 7 weeks old until right after her 1st birthday. No she hasn't ever said anything about him, even when he took off in February. She is very verbal and I always thought it strange that she never asked for him even though she asks for the sitter if she goes 2 days without seeing her. I noticed over the summer she would call other men "dad", but it was always other kids dads, you know she just heard them called that. Actually my teenage babysitter's dad is called ":)addy Shawn", by my daughter. She was calling him dad so much we just started saying it with his name and he is o.k. with it. Now she doesn't call other men dad anymore but I notice her doing it when she watches movies, she will say "the daddy". There is a Robin Williams movie "RV", she calls that the "daddy movie". So I know she realizes that there are dads but I don't think she quite realizes that she has one or is supposed to have one yet. When she plays with her dollhouse she always has the dad doll drive the car, it's kind of funny, I wonder if she has picked up on any sexism like men are supposed to drive.

[Turkish]

An age appropriate response is warranted.  What are your thoughts on what that might look like?

I'm dealing with this on kids who still want us together. It's heartbreaking for children that this is the reality.