why is it so hard to get help

[frailt]

Hi my 13 year old daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD and her self harm behaviour and suicidal ideation has been intensifying and continuing to escalate but I seem to be hitting brick walls when it comes to getting her hospitalised. In the past month she has had skin graft surgery for third degree burn and cuts daily sometimes multiple times. She tells me she has suicidal thoughts hourly and cuts to try and reduce the intensity of these thoughts. I keep getting told she is not at imminent risk. She overdosed last Saturday night on iron tablets and was released that same night after an xray revealed that she had vomited them out of her system. her response to emergency department when asked why she took them was that she was trying to kill herself. I am at a loss to what constituted imminent risk. A visit with the leading psych two days later constituted a well orchestrated scheme aimed at persuading her that she only wanted to be hospitalised to allay my fears. I was placed in uncomfortable situations where I felt compelled to provide answers that I did not agree with to avert hurting her feelings. He had the audacity to tell me that I was part of the problem and not the solution for wanting to keep my daughter safe until she can work through her problems and find alternate coping mechanisms. After carefully establishing that my daughter feels an enormous amount of guilt for other peoples feelings, he accused me of wanting a break which is partly true as I am absolutely exhausted between working full time, countless visits to psychs, doctors, hospitals and sleepless nights worrying about her and consoling her younger brother . However the main point of me wanting her hospitalised and my main priority is to keep her alive and i found it very inappropriate for him to make such a suggestion knowing how guilty she already feels for our distress and that this guilt triggers further self harm. She was very upset after the meeting apologising for him making me feel guilty and told me that she would understand if we did need a break to which I answered I love her and do not want a break from her just for her to be safe and have a break from harming herself. At the end of the meeting when i asked for alternatives since hospitalisation wasn't an option he backtracked and said it could be an option but tried his damnedest to put her off and when she asked about it he responded that he knew nothing abpout the hospital which i find hard to believe. We visited the unit and she seems kee even tho she has to give up contact with the outside world so now we just have to wait for the next crisis and hope its not too late. We were back at doctors for butterfly clips Christmas eve and she seems to have developed a morbid fascination for cuts, blood and tissue and no longer seems to even want to hide them. Not sure if the latter is a positive or negative. Have other people faced the same issues trying to get help for their children as I really hope my experience so far is not standard

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Hi frailt,



So sorry to hear about your circumstances at this time.  You've found a place with people who understand... .many here have or are dealing with the circumstances you currently face in life.  While I don't have children myself, nor experience with going through the hospitals and doctors, I can certainly empathize and say that would be very frustrating.  I'm sure someone with some experience with that will chime in with some guidance and experience.

Something I can speak to from experience is understanding that we cannot change our person with BPD, but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  Changing our patterns and taking control of how we interact with them can make things better.  In the upper right margin of this page you will see some tools and lessons specifically designed to help us do just that!  Combining this information with a fundamental understanding of the illness and its nuances can go a long way in improving our situation.
Have you thought of seeking a therapist to help guide you in this journey?  Many here have found a professional to be worth their weight in gold... .I know I have. 
Keep sharing, we are here to walk with you.   

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Frailt:
I'm so sorry about the situation with your daughter.  I can't imagine what you are going through. 

He had the audacity to tell me that I was part of the problem and not the solution for wanting to keep my daughter safe until she can work through her problems and find alternate coping mechanisms.

Has you daughter received coaching on various coping mechanisms?  The link below has several suggestions that your daughter might try:

PANIC LIST FOR DISTRESS TOLERANCE
   www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/panic_list.html

I'm adding the links below for use by you or your daughter.  Has your daughter ever reached out, by text or phone, to gain support when she feels like harming?  Just wondering if it can be an alternative action to harming, to reach out to an impartial person.  Sometimes, it can be helpful to be in an anonymous situation.  Perhaps it could serve to interrupt her thought process, and steer her away from thought of self-harm.

SUICIDE PREVENTION
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

TEXT CRISIS LINE
www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works/

[frailt]

Hi thankyou for your support. I see her therapist once a  fortnight to discuss how things are going and how I can relate to her better and parent as I find it a struggle lately. I have had to be more lenient than I am comfortable with as she cannot cope with the consequences I would like to impose. I have always been strict and overprotective and now i just feel overwhelmed and clueless although I am finding it easier to have the difficult discussions with her now. My daughter currently sees psychologist weekly but we are looking to increasing this due to escalation and medication no longer appears to be helping. She has various numbers to call but just isolates herself. Sometimes she will come and sit with me or ask to go for a drive but this is rare and lately she barricades herself against the door when she is having intense suicidal thoughts and it is a battle to get her to show me her injuries and get medical help.

[Lollypop]

Welcome Frailt

My goodness you've got so much to cope with right now. You must be feeling at your very edge and it's no wonder.  It's hard enough to cope with your situation and then to fight for the help you can see that you and your daughter so desperately need.

I've always been quite an analytical person and I've a way of organising my priorities. It kind of comes naturally to me and I realise it's my own way of feeling in control, my coping skill. It's also been very beneficial to me when there's been times where there's so much that is wrong I felt I couldn't see any light in my depths of frustration and despair. Looking  back I was so very clearly living my life in fear and guilt and making bad decisions as a consequence.

I used to react so much to my BPDs behaviour during his teenage years and I finally worked out that, for me personally, I was actually making things worse. I so wish I could turn that clock back to his early teen years and know what I know now; Hindsight is a marvellous thing.

This forum has been my absolute life saver.  There's others here with teenagers who cut.  Take a look at Yeptheotherone's struggles as you may find they relate to you.  I'm sure you'll find many who can help you in practical ways.

I reached a point where I finally decided to try the one thing I'd never tried in all the years of trying to "fix" him and his situation.  I decided to change myself and my own behaviours. Unbelievably, like magic, he started to respond very slowly in small positive ways.

Somebody once said, it's like we've got orchids that need to be tenderly nurtured in the perfect environment. it takes knowledge, skill and flexibility in approach.

So have you read about BPD? I found this really helped me understand my BPDs daily struggles and importantly his limitations. This allowed me to then communicate with him in a completely new way.

I worked hard on validation skills and getting them to sound natural. I worked hard on creating a different family environment. Our relationship has vastly improved.

I'm learning to be the parent he needs me to be. I need to be strong for him. I'm learning to be assertive but caring.  

I find this unnatural as I was raised with hard and soft parenting and that's how I parented.  I see now that There's a much better way. This has benefitted my younger son who is 15.

Has your daughter been diagnosed?
Does she like her therapist?
What sort of support do you have, family or partner?
Are you in the USA?


L