I miss him… it’s surreal

[mevz]

I have been sharing and posting here about my BPD ex bf and what went wrong and getting great advice from all of you. Reading all your posts is so helpful.

But this morning I woke up with such an ache… missing him so much! For a minute it seemed like the last year and a half was a dream and never really happened.

I've been completely NC for 2 months and know he has a new girlfriend a few weeks into NC and has essentially moved on. So I’ve been focusing on learning all I can about BPD and trying to address my own codependency so that I don’t fall prey to the likes of him again.

But this morning all that felt useless. I just suddenly miss him so much. The fact that I stayed with him for so long meant we did have something special. And all I can think about are the drives we took, the movies we watched, the meals we shared, the trips we took, the great talks we had, the jokes we shared the memories we created. Did all that happen? I feel so removed from him, so distant, that it feels like a stranger lived that life, not me.

I’ve been spending so much time and effort to understand his psyche and the reasons behind what went wrong. Was all that love we shared fake, was it all in my head? Does he feel the same? I know BPDs don't "rebound" because every relationship feel like "the one." So am I alone in these feelings of loss?

I just want to sit and miss my big, strong, tall handsome man. Mourn for a relationship that had felt perfect while it was happening and the loss of all those feeling that I will never experience again.

[VitaminC]

So am I alone in these feelings of loss?

I just want to sit and miss my big, strong, tall handsome man. Mourn for a relationship that had felt perfect while it was happening and the loss of all those feeling that I will never experience again.

Hey there mevz,

No, you're far from alone in these feelings of loss. I think that sitting there and mourning for a while is perfectly ok. And 2 months is not long at all.

I've often had the feeling you describe; everything feeling unreal, wondering if any of it happened, time sort of collapsed into itself. It's very disorienting and can be quite painful too.

It's been 9 months in my case and I still woke up one morning in the last week and felt that ache. It was so powerful in my body that I thought to myself "I could scream with how much I miss him". I didn't scream because it would have woken people but the feeling surprised me; it was so overwhelming that I was left a bit raw for the rest of the day.

It's important, I've learned, to let yourself feel these things. No matter how much you rationally know that you are missing something that was part fantasy and had many bad parts, you still have to feel sad for the loss of something that filled you so beautifully for a time.

What has helped me is to think about the beauty of what I miss, to think about how it is something that I saw and wanted and needed at least partly created myself. I created it by believing in it and wanting it enough to overlook a lot of contradictory things. That tells me about my power to imagine, to believe, to desire, to hope, to create beauty.

I don't think we can know the future, but I do think we can influence it - we've proven that to ourselves. For that reason, I fight very hard against thinking that I will never again feel that way.

What did you create, mevz? What was it that was so perfect?

[heartandwhole]

Hi mevz,

I'm sorry that you are aching. You are definitely not alone. I've been there, too, and it hurts.  

I just want to sit and miss my big, strong, tall handsome man. Mourn for a relationship that had felt perfect while it was happening and the loss of all those feeling that I will never experience again.

I think feeling the ache is good, and will help you recover. Where is it in your body? What texture does it have? Is it hot or cold or room temperature? What are the physical sensations associated with it? How do they move?  

If you can separate the physical sensations from the thought loop that says that you will never feel so loved again, it can help you see that what you feel doesn't define you.

Hang in there, I know this is hard.    What you are feeling is very normal. Your future, though, can look very different—things really DO get better.

heartandwhole

[Confused#9999]

Hang in there mevz, it has to get better. It's the promise of a great relationship that we long for and what we thought we can and would have. That's one of the reasons why it's hard for me, not knowing that they really didn't look at the relationship the same way. There SAS always a way out for them. If you like listening to helpful videos, Alan Robarge on YouTube had been helpful for me.

[mevz]

The "feeling of loss" I was referring to was his. Does he feel it? Does he miss me even a little bit? He has two new female "friends" now. I don't know if they really are just friends but he took a mini vacation with one of them 4 weeks into NC so I'd assume not. So does that mean he doesn't miss me at all? I know it shouldn't matter but feeling discarded matters.

Vitamin C, what we created were these amazing memories doing more in a year than most people do in 10 years. We traveled to 7 foreign countries, we invested in a business together,  we spent so much time trying new activities, restaurants and having adventures together. When it was good it was great. In fact, it always felt great to be around him, no matter how much we were fighting or arguing. I know that's so weird, but it was what it was. I still wasn't ready to give it up. Again, had he not turned me black and maintained NC, I know I couldn't have.

Confused#9999, "the promise of a great relationship that we long for and what we thought we can and would have" is what I thought I finally had with him. What's SAS by the way?

I'm mourning for the "loss of all those feeling that I will never experience again" because I'm assuming the next relationship will be with a nonBPD and will lack the intensity that made the bad times worth it.

Now I feel I'm back to square one :-(

[aj4599]

The "feeling of loss" I was referring to was his. Does he feel it? Does he miss me even a little bit? He has two new female "friends" now. I don't know if they really are just friends but he took a mini vacation with one of them 4 weeks into NC so I'd assume not. So does that mean he doesn't miss me at all? I know it shouldn't matter but feeling discarded matters.

Vitamin C, what we created were these amazing memories doing more in a year than most people do in 10 years. We traveled to 7 foreign countries, we invested in a business together,  we spent so much time trying new activities, restaurants and having adventures together. When it was good it was great. In fact, it always felt great to be around him, no matter how much we were fighting or arguing. I know that's so weird, but it was what it was. I still wasn't ready to give it up. Again, had he not turned me black and maintained NC, I know I couldn't have.

Confused#9999, "the promise of a great relationship that we long for and what we thought we can and would have" is what I thought I finally had with him. What's SAS by the way?

I'm mourning for the "loss of all those feeling that I will never experience again" because I'm assuming the next relationship will be with a nonBPD and will lack the intensity that made the bad times worth it.

Now I feel I'm back to square one :-(

Mevz -

I know exactly what you're feeling. It's like you finally met someone who helps you feel like rather than waiting to experience everything life has to offer, you just do it. Right now, in the moment. You feel more alive than you ever have, trying new things, experiencing sensations. I think it's part of why even the fighting seems acceptable. It's like all your emotions and sensations are dialed up to 11, and you feel truly alive, even when those emotions aren't positive.

I'm only 5 days into this. It's awful. I wake up with that sick feeling every morning, not wanting to get out of bed. My hope is that my heart can one day catch up to what my brain is saying, which is... .you don't have to wait for someone to help you feel that way. Next relationship, maybe I'm the one pushing for more of those adventures. Being even more spontaneous. Showing them what it looks like to feel alive. And if it's the right person, they'll come along for the journey the same way I did with my ex... .but without the lies, the guilt, the manipulation, the pain.

That's my hope. But it sure doesn't feel like it now. All the best to you, I hope knowing other people are going through similar things to what you are offers some measure of comfort. It does for me.

[Confused#9999]

The "feeling of loss" I was referring to was his. Does he feel it? Does he miss me even a little bit? He has two new female "friends" now. I don't know if they really are just friends but he took a mini vacation with one of them 4 weeks into NC so I'd assume not. So does that mean he doesn't miss me at all? I know it shouldn't matter but feeling discarded matters.

Vitamin C, what we created were these amazing memories doing more in a year than most people do in 10 years. We traveled to 7 foreign countries, we invested in a business together,  we spent so much time trying new activities, restaurants and having adventures together. When it was good it was great. In fact, it always felt great to be around him, no matter how much we were fighting or arguing. I know that's so weird, but it was what it was. I still wasn't ready to give it up. Again, had he not turned me black and maintained NC, I know I couldn't have.

Confused#9999, "the promise of a great relationship that we long for and what we thought we can and would have" is what I thought I finally had with him. What's SAS by the way?

I'm mourning for the "loss of all those feeling that I will never experience again" because I'm assuming the next relationship will be with a nonBPD and will lack the intensity that made the bad times worth it.

Now I feel I'm back to square one :-(

SAS was a typo, it is supposed to be was. Auto-correct.
I'm pretty sure you'll experience those feelings again, that's an unrealistic way of looking at it.
In a normal relationship it's a slow build. It was slow in my case,that's why I didn't think anything of it. But it always hit a wall as soon as we spent more than one day together and became close.  She ran the other way the very next day.
Thinking you'll never have that again can happen after any "good" relationship. That's fear talking and not true. Maybe you should think that it'll be better and that good days won't be interrupted with distancing and dismissing days, which was the case with me.
He didn't move on, he was never in the relationship the way you were. As I said, there is always a way out for them. Even if to us it makes zero sense. That's how the sudden departure is justified in their minds.

[mevz]

Thanks so much guys.

Confused,  you say "He didn't move on, he was never in the relationship the way you were." This is what I need to keep reminding myself. But thinking of how involved and obsessed he was with us and our relationship, it just doesn't sink in. His act of discarding is what makes me believe it though.

aj4599, "I think it's part of why even the fighting seems acceptable. It's like all your emotions and sensations are dialed up to 11, and you feel truly alive, even when those emotions aren't positive." It's exactly how you put it. Feeling so alive for the past year and a half and feeling almost dead inside for the last 2 months. I've been going out, meeting friends and keeping myself busy. Yet everything feels dull and lifeless. I'm waiting for things to feel fun, but they don't.

I'm sitting home now on new year's eve but I refuse to feel sorry for myself. Instead I am writing here and being with people who truly understand. Here's to hoping 2017 will be a happy year for all of us "but without the lies, the guilt, the manipulation, the pain. "

[ynwa]

Hey Metz, 

You said, "I refuse to feel sorry for myself". That is fantastic. Good for you.

[earlyL]

So any great replies to this thread. Please do remember that you are not alone and I find that helps me to take comfort. The feelings are normal, you are grieving for something you had, and something you thought you had for a long time. Don't put yourself through more pain of whether he misses you or realises, as someone else said it doesn't work like that for his brain so you can only cause yourself more misery by thinking it.

Use this forum as much as you need, I think it really helps to know there are people out there feeling the same way.

Louise

[mevz]

Happy new year everyone. Thank you for trying to help, it means the world.

I was so optimistic that once new year's eve was up, somehow things would magically get better since its 2017. But of course it will take time. Last night was unbearable, I knew exactly where he was with his +1 and I kept imagining them at midnight and I couldn't stop though I tried.

I'm doing pretty well focusing with my counselor on my own codependency and trying to take the focus away from him but last night was incredibly hard and today it just feels like nothing will get better. This feeling of incredulity is what keeps resurfacing. "I will love you forever, I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you." Yet you discard me and block your mind and find other girls to keep you company. You, who had to talk to me 24/7, would always know where I was, what I was doing and now I'm what? Water under a bridge?

Sometimes it feels the more time passes, the stronger the pain gets. I have to forcefully remind myself of all the bad times because it's all the good stuff that seems permanently etched in my mind as time goes on. For me, it had become a way of life, one I loved because it kept me in his focus at all times, being the center of his world, and him being mine. Our problems were ours, our fights were ours, our good memories were ours. And now nothing remains but hurt and betrayal.

Sorry guys, these feelings have been eating away at me all day and I just needed to let them out.

[Confused#9999]

Happy new year everyone. Thank you for trying to help, it means the world.

I was so optimistic that once new year's eve was up, somehow things would magically get better since its 2017. But of course it will take time. Last night was unbearable, I knew exactly where he was with his +1 and I kept imagining them at midnight and I couldn't stop though I tried.

I'm doing pretty well focusing with my counselor on my own codependency and trying to take the focus away from him but last night was incredibly hard and today it just feels like nothing will get better. This feeling of incredulity is what keeps resurfacing. "I will love you forever, I've never felt for anyone what I feel for you." Yet you discard me and block your mind and find other girls to keep you company. You, who had to talk to me 24/7, would always know where I was, what I was doing and now I'm what? Water under a bridge?

Sometimes it feels the more time passes, the stronger the pain gets. I have to forcefully remind myself of all the bad times because it's all the good stuff that seems permanently etched in my mind as time goes on. For me, it had become a way of life, one I loved because it kept me in his focus at all times, being the center of his world, and him being mine. Our problems were ours, our fights were ours, our good memories were ours. And now nothing remains but hurt and betrayal.

Sorry guys, these feelings have been eating away at me all day and I just needed to let them out.

It's all good Mevz, writing it out helps. I'm struggling today as well, and last night was so not fun considering we made plans to go out for new years eve. The shut off they can do is so messed up, but hurts us so much more. Thinking of all the good times sucks considering there were many bad times. It's been 2 and a half weeks for me, so it's still pretty fresh. Codependency is the biggest reason for not being able to let go of someone who mistreat us though.

[K.G.]

I miss my tall, handsome man too... .more than I can say and especially last night. But for me I have to stop living in a fantasy world and stop imagining he ever felt for me the way i felt for him. I was an 'answer' not a partner... .keep strong and focus on being you... .

[lovenature]

Was all that love we shared fake, was it all in my head? Does he feel the same?

No it wasn't all fake. No it wasn't all in your head. No he doesn't feel the same as you.
PWBPD want an intimate, loving relationship more than anything, problem is when you get too close you are pushed away. He makes up his reality based on his feelings of the moment; it isn't possible for him to feel the same as you based on the actual reality you live in.

[baconeggs]

Hi mevz,

Hang in there.  I find that reminding myself of the bad times helps a lot when I start reminiscing about the good times. If I knew my ex had a replacement, I know I'd be hurting even more.  I was the last two times she replaced me.

I'm in a similar boat having been NC with my uBPDex for two months now.  I was prepared for the breakup, but now after the holiday fun with my family is over and it's back to life as usual, I'm missing her the most out of these two months.  I've been checking up on her online the last couple days.  Not something I'm proud of.  I still don't really know what she's doing or if she has a replacement. 

I almost always feel better when I come to these boards though.  Keep posting-no need to apologize for doing so.  Posting helps, and we all like to know that we aren't alone.

[FallenOne]

I've been 3 weeks out of a four year relationship with my BPD ex gf... I don't know if this will help you, but what I do to deal with this, is that I just think about all of the bad things that she did to me, and sort of paint HER black in my own way... I know she's not a good person for anyone... I know that she's rotten to the core... I know that she's miserable on the inside and that she will just keep repeating the same patterns over and over again, never finding true happiness... I, on the other hand, know that I can find that happiness... Real happiness... Not the false sense of happiness I had with her and all of her false BS... Try to think about the bad things your ex did instead of the great times... It really does help (at least for me). Anger is better than despair.

[lovenature]

Anger is better than despair.

Anger is useful during detachment, but we must watch we don't get stuck in anger.

5 stages of grieving a loss: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. We go through these stages but they typically aren't linear.

[earlyL]

Hi Merv,

How are you feeling now, are things feeling different. I seem to go through such different emotions, feeling ok about things for a few hours and then in total despair again. It is so exhausting. But reading these posts again has helped in a strange way, I hate to think other people are suffering but it is also so helpful and makes it feel not so lonely.

The sun is shining where I am which is also helping today!

LW

[mevz]

All your replies were great and I feel that if I didn't have this board and my therapist, I'd crumble.

Sometimes I feel like I will just implode and today is one of those days. It just feels like the more time goes by, the tougher it's getting. I'm trying to think of the bad times, I've written our whole relationship down in a book, the good, the bad and the ugly. Yet I feel like all that happened to someone else and I'm just all alone again.

And something happened yesterday. So basically I've mentioned on another board that my ex was 8 years younger than me and culturally his family was very against the relationship. So when I was introduced to another guy, instead of stepping up, my bf decided to start talking to another girl, so that "I won't go crazy when you start dating the other guy." I told him, I'm still with you and you want me to accept another woman in your life on the basis of a future relationship with another guy that may or may not happen? Yet everything was black and white in his mind and he always managed to justify his own actions.

Long story short, after being NC for 2 months, he found out that the other guy is now married to someone else (by stalking him on Facebook). In his head, he was so convinced that we'd be married that he found a new female friend, put me though all sorts of trauma having to watch my bf "hanging out" with replacement girls... .the whole nine yards.

Anyway, after snooping and finding out the other guy is married, he contacted our mutual friend S and asks why "that ass got married to another girl? Why didn't he marry her?" And she's like he just didn't. And my ex says, "So all this was for nothing?"

And now, I feel, as does my therapist that this may be a point where he might be likely to contact me. And the scary part is, I don't know how strong I will be if he does.

I was telling my therapist the fact that he went on a mini vacation with another girl and took her to the ny eve party is a deal breaker. That if he has been intimate with another woman after me, i'm not interested in someone else's guy. He's not "mine" anymore. I have been using these 2 months to learn about myself and improve my relationships etc and have not been with anyone at all. The problem here is I still can't wrap my head around the fact that he was never "mine" to begin with. She tells me I'm stronger now, but the fact that I'm planning to use his other relationship as ammo to say no is worrisome. I should be strong enough to say no irrespective because it will never work fro us.

After being on this site for so long, I knowing that they can block their minds when they turn us black. Yet he was curious enough to snoop and find out about the other guy and in a crazy way I'm flattered that he's still interested in what I'm doing. I know, crazy is the correct word. Instead I should be worried that he's still trying to find out and maybe at some point contact or control me.

So this is why I'm hoping against hope that he doesn't contact me because as yet I don't trust myself to do the right thing.

[Germanic]

I can share your pain and have had the same experiences of waking up missing my BPDex.  I thought I couldn't but I have shed tears over the matter. 

As far as wondering if your BPDex misses you, I can share my experience with my BPDex.
When I met him, he was coming out of a 6 year relationship with someone he apparently loved intensely.  I was currently in a 10 1/2 year relationship that was not functioning properly.

After I realized I wanted to be in a relationship with my new found love, I exited my relationship (one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my life) to commence the new relationship. During the beginning, all my BPDex could talk of was how much he missed his former partner and how much he loved him and how hurt he was.  This went on for months to the point of obsessiveness.  I tried to help him through it with extended conversations and emotional support.  I now understand, which I did not before, that his former partner left him because he needed to, probably not because he wanted to.

I do believe that some BPD's grieve and feel a loss of a relationship.  But from what I now am beginning to understand, many BPD's create the expectation of rejection and establish a behavior pattern which causes it and then the cycle starts all over again.  I would imagine some BPD's are so callous that they have no feelings whatsoever for the former partner after the breakup of a relationship but others do grieve in their own way until they can secure a new relationship and then in time they begin sabotaging that relationship as well until it explodes.  What a pitiful way to lead one's life!  Especially if they are intelligent, charming, attractive and have a magnetic personality.

I see now that when entering a new relationship, before you get too deep into it, one needs to understand a little more about your new love's prior relationship history as well as their work history.  A long resume with little tenure anywhere and a long list of prior relationships should be a real red flag as to potential problems.  I ignored all the warning signs and dove in to my most recent relationship but I was ready for a change too.  I least I kept my bearings and landed on my feet.  You are experiencing the same emotions and feelings I have and I have found this website has been a godsend to help me process.  I believe the best is yet to come and that this recent experience of mine has helped me to learn and grow.

Keep up the positive thoughts and energy!