Need to break the cycle

[Swhitey]

I have a huge decision to make, and I could use some guidence. (I don't feel comfortable discussing things with family and friends, it makes things worse) Long and the short of it. I was kicked out, asked to leave in the beginning of December. This is not the first time in our 2 year relationship that this has been tabled, but this time I took action and signed a lease for a new place, moved in with my dad for the month until I could take over my own space. It has been hell, the worst Christmas I have ever experienced. There has been this push and pull from her the whole month. Things have been better this last few days and we have had some really good talks about issues and they have not turned into fights. I feel better understood and respected and she says she does too. I shared with her that I have a plan to quit smoking (I have to quit regardless of whether or not her and I are together) and she expressed that she was very happy to hear that. Now 3 days before I move all my stuff out of our place and into my new place, she is asking me to move back in... .She never wanted me to leave in the first place and didn't think I would take the action I did and actually move out and get a new place. I never wanted to move out in the first place but I couldn;'t take the fighting anymore, and neither could she. We were in this cycle of fighting for months, and I was not handling things well. I recently began to understand traits of BPD/PTSD and have realized my role in this conflict cycle. I have made a lot of progress and am taking better care of myself, emotionally. My partner exhibits traits of BPD/PTSD and I am responding better to some of these behaviours, by being midful of my own feelings, reactions and behaviours.

So this is what I am wrestling with: I am unsure that this calm is only fleeting and that if i move back in, how long will it take for the cycle to continue and if I have the emotional fortitude to respond and not react or get sucked into the cycle again. It was said to me that if I do move out that she won't have time for a relations ship because she will have to now work on weekends and evenings, as well take in a roomate to rent out one of the spare rooms. We have counselling together in the new year and I am hopeful that it will help us develop better communication skills to break conflict cycles. I am committed to bettering myself and my contributions. I believe she is too... .in her own way.

I want to be with her and I love her. She says that she wants to be with me and loves me. I do feel a little manipulated though into quitting smoking (but stopping is a good thing regardless) I will gladly move back in and eat the $1500, but only if there is going to be real change in our relationship. I love the blended family we have created with our kids, but I need assurances that the fighting will stop... .Am I missing something? Will the cycle change, or will it settle back into what it was? will there be something else in the future that causes her to react and kick me out again? So confusing, my family will think I'm nuts if I go back... .

[drained1996]

It was said to me that if I do move out that she won't have time for a relations ship because she will have to now work on weekends and evenings, as well take in a roomate to rent out one of the spare rooms.

This sounds like an ultimatum, as well as some manipulation to me. 

Can you help with her financial burden for say 2-3 months to see how things go?  Just a thought, a compromise of sorts... .and it buys time to see if the efforts bear fruits. 

[Swhitey]

Thanks drained1996, That is a reaklly good idea, I will have to check my fianaces and explore what that looks like. It would offer some protection for me, should I notice that the conflict cycle re-emerge, which is my biggest concern/confliction with my decision.

[drained1996]

Let us know what you come up with... .it might help to get some input on how to best approach that by posting here before that discussion takes place. 

[Swhitey]

I don't think I can Finacially provide support to her and live independently. We live in a very expensive city (and surrounding areas) I am disappointed actually after our interactions last night. After having a good talk on Wednesday evening, feeling like I understood her better and why she behaved certain ways, I was able to connect the dots and see why she might have behaved the way she did in some cases. The way she presented it to me was very effective and it was about her without blaming me for her perdicament. It sounded like she was taking responsibility for how she was behaving based on something she has been working on in Therapy. Last night however, she was in a bad mood and we were supposed to talk about what moving back in together was going to look like, what changes we were both willing to make with reasonalble expectations and understanding. I was hoping for enthusiasm and a positive "can do" attitude. None of this occurred and the conflict cycle began to emerge, with more demands from her about what she feels I need to change in order for her to be happy, and it was presented with a negative attitude, blame and shame. I felt very deflated and scatred that if I move back in these patters are not going to change and I will be back in the cycle of placating to all the demands she makes for change and falling short each time because I don't think I can do it the way in which she expects it unless it is in line with exactly how she see it/wants it. I guess this is the black and white thinking? She showed no empathy or understanding to what I had to say, and even said that she can't change the way in which she expresses a need from someone else. It looks like I am likely going to be moving out. My family is scared to death that I will go back and many people close to me are telling me to "run for my life!"

I feel defeated. I feel like a fool for thinking that there might be a change. That I would have a partner that respects me and my point of view. I try my very best to understand, listen, see room for personal growth, and sometimes I fail, but i really do take responsibility for my actions and behaviours so long I am aware of what I am doing. I am a good person in the end. Why is it so important for me to have her acknowlege this?

[drained1996]

I am a good person in the end. Why is it so important for me to have her acknowlege this?

I see that as a fundamental desire for us all to want our significant others to trust, respect, understand, and love us.  Do you believe she is capable of consistently giving you what you need?

[Swhitey]

Great question... .She has shown me that she can, and has tried. Consistently though... .That is a whole other can of worms. I haven't asked myself that, in that way... .I want to believe she can, based on when she has, and at one time I felt it was consistent. Lately it hasn't been consistent, and that has been confusing for me. I guess I'm still holding out hope that we can find some common ground again and appreciation and love we shared, albeit it will be different, but still good and fulfilling. In this moment, to answer your question; no I don't think she can consistently give me what I need. I feel she has the potential to (or do I want to believe she has that potential?) I do need to see more consistency from her in how she relates and expresses how she feels that is more constructive and less criticizing. I am not to blame for all the things that upset her in her life or why her life isn't what she expects it to be. She has agreed that couples counselling will help and is commited to attending with me, and that is at least enough to bring me hope and show continue together.

On a side note: Is reality no match against wishful thinking? I find myself second guessing every decision I make lately. I hate being a "people pleaser" I have been that way for as long as I can remember and I thought I had addressed it years ago. Looking back on recent events, I am noticing that I am still behaving that way and subsequently noticing more and more how much pain that causes me. There is a definately something I can learn here. I'm starting to wonder if that lesson is, if i'm going to please someone, I should start with pleasing myself (not to be taken out of context) I'm curious to see what I am capable of? I am thankful I have access to a therapist who will help me address this.

[Skip]

I don't think I can Finacially provide support to her and live independently. We live in a very expensive city (and surrounding areas) I am disappointed actually after our interactions last night.

Two things that should probably be neutralized.

1) The pressure of the new lease. Can you delay it (e.g. apply to another property of the owner, later) and just hang with dad for 30-90 days. You are not ready to commit to a new world or go back. Therapeutic separation is probably the healthiest thing you can do. Joint therapy might help, but don't go expecting to unload about the relationship - go to listen and see if she get to the point of listening back.

2) The smoking. Don't over analyze it and don't bargain it - just do it. Best gift you can give yourself for 2017.

[Swhitey]

Thank you Skip, that is really good insight. (I am really happy with the feedback I am getting in this thread) I wish I could Hang with my dad for another 30-90 days, but unfortunately my time is up as he and his wife are retired and have very limited space for me and my son. The way I see therapy is to develop better communication tools, especially when discussing a "hot topic" that can trigger her (or me as it would seem as of late) My hope is that the cousellor will challenge both our way of understanding what the other is expressing and offer a different perspective than the one that is feeling misunderstood, by either of us. I am excited to challenge my own ideas that have been the "go to" for me when conflict arisies. I am also addressing these things in my own individual therapy. It is very fulfilling to experience personal growth in a positive way. 5 Years ago I was in group therapy while exiting my previous marriage and learned a lot about myself. Obviously there is more for me to learn and self work for me now, and this relationship I am currently in is my first real attempt at a meaningful relationship (ie not just casual dating) and i'm good with the fact that I have made mistakes trying to practice what I learned previously. I make mistakes and I take responsibility for them, when they are mine. My partner has also given me insight to what she is addressing in her own personal therapy which gives me hope. I am using some of the tools on this site to develop being assertive (kind but firm) when my values are tested. I think these tools will aid me in how I conduct myself when things get "emotional"

Smoking, I hate it. I am quitting for myself and no one else (not even my son) he is a reminder of what quitting smoking will do to enrich my life, I am actually excited to stop, and feel I can do it. (i've done it before, no reason why I can't again) My self esteem will improve when I stop, I remember how that felt

In the end, I am responsible for the decisions I make. Good or bad they are mine. The more I stop placating to other peoples opinions to make them happy (friends, family, partner, children) the happier I will will be.

(I think that last one is more me talking to myself)

Thanks everyone, for providing insight and a safe place to express myself.

[drained1996]

Swhitey, you being so vulnerable and honest is refreshing. 

In the end, I am responsible for the decisions I make. Good or bad they are mine. The more I stop placating to other peoples opinions to make them happy (friends, family, partner, children) the happier I will will be.

That's a very empowering statement, and even more empowering when you begin to put it in action the right way... .as it seems you have. 
Keep sharing any thoughts, feelings, questions or concerns.  We are here.