Do pwBPD Grieve in Reverse?

[Duped 1]

I have read in several threads that some have experienced pwBPD grieving in reverse-meaning they grieve the end of your relationship after their next one fails. Is there any truth to this as I get the impression that my ex grieved very little at the end? She was sad some leading up to it but once it actually happened she seemed full of anger and blame with no remorse, empathy for my extreme depression or warm feelings towards me in any way. She was as ice cold as I've ever seen a human being and showed no compassion whatsoever.

[SummerStorm]

They do grieve differently, though I'm not sure each pwBPD necessarily follows the same model.  After their surprise break up, I contacted my BPD friend's ex, to get insight into what she was like at the end.   According to him, she was very depressed, started smoking pot all day, including right before work, stopped showering and doing her hair regularly, and gained a lot of weight.  To me, that sounds like she knew the end of their relationship was near and was mourning its loss before it actually happened.   

She briefly dated a guy earlier this year who ghosted her, and she was distraught for days.  But then, just as quickly, she started dating a new guy.  But I would say that's relatively normal, as she had only dated the other guy for a few weeks.

She had been dating her most recent ex for five months when he had to go to rehab for heroin addiction.  Now, he was actually a great guy, aside from his addiction, which he actually had under control prior to meeting my BPD friend.  It was honestly the happiest I'd seen her.  He is close to his family, took her on a family vacation to the beach, did all of the romantic things she loves, like giving her a promise ring while at the top of a ferris wheel, etc.  But for those two weeks that he was in rehab, she sort of went from being absolutely devastated to accepting it and accepting that the relationship might not work.  He got out of rehab, started using again a few days later, and moved back with his family when she kicked him out.  She maintained contact with him but started dating a new guy two days after she kicked him out.  Eventually, she cut him out of her life completely and has been telling people he was abusive.  So, rewriting history is probably her way of avoiding the actual mourning process.

In terms of the reverse mourning you talk about, I would imagine that happens when one relationship ends and they reflect on it and the one before it and conclude that the former was actually better, regardless of whether it was or not.  I see this a lot with my BPD friend.  She will cut me out of her life, call me crazy, etc. but then contact me when the next relationship or friendship ends.  I'm sure some of this is BPD manipulation, but at the same time, I honestly have done nothing bad to her in the two years I've known her, and as she's human, like us all, I do think she reallizes that. 

Regarding your ex, remember that a lot of her anger was probably in response to the fact that the relationship, like all of her other relationships, had failed.  Perhaps she was angry at you because you had failed to be her white knight.  Perhaps she was angry for a million other reasons.  Either way, the disorder prevents her from seeing her own faults, so she has to direct her anger at someone other than herself.  With my BPD friend, as soon as she starts to accept her role and to realize the damage she's caused, she starts self-harming and, in extreme cases, attempts suicide.  At the end of the day, she has the inability to self-soothe, which leads to destructive behavior, whether it be outward or inward.

[Notwendy]

The oddest grieving I've observed is my BPD mother when my father died. She was icy cold, and angry.

An older friend of mine had recently been widowed at the time and I saw what I thought was normal grief. The woman was besides herself, crying, wanting her family and friends close to her, reaching out to people.  She has since recovered from this, but still says she misses her husband.

My mother was angry and alienating to us, pushing us away.

I believed my mother loved my father, and that she felt badly. But since pwBPD do not manage emotions well, how would this be any different? I think one of her defense mechanisms is to project- not keep the bad feelings, so her anger and coldness was likely that. If she grieved in private, I didn't know.

Grief is tough for even the most emotionally stable people, like my friend. I believe my mother felt grief, but expressed it differently.

[SummerStorm]

Yes, as Notwendy mentioned, they can be cold and angry.  My BPD friend's mom has lots of health issues, and she has told her that it's okay if she dies because parents are supposed to die before their children.  Now, they have had their differences, but my friend loves her mom and is always excited about getting to visit her (she lives on the other side of the country).  So, I don't think she is really okay with her mom dying, but she has no other way to express her worry over the fact that her mom may not live as long as most people.

Earlier this year, her mom had minor heart surgery, and she was very cold to her, even going so far as to text her to say, "Good luck with getting the fat sucked out of your heart."  Not the sentiment a normal person would express, but it's how my BPD friend expresses herself.