Well, he went and did it...

[Logicalillogical]

I posted this on another board and only received one response so I wanted to see what you guys thought... .I fell upon this site while searching for info on dilated pupils and rage. Well apparently it is a common thread with BPD.

My H of almost 4 years was apparently diagnosed 15 years ago. He didn't believe it and did nothing about it. He was diagnosed due to an attempt at suicide (was really for attention according to him). He was then again diagnosed 6 mos prior to us meeting. I was never told of him having BPD, I was told of PTSD and ADHD. Those two I can handle easily, I've been married to an ADHD before and ptsd comes in many forms. So to start off I felt betrayed when I discovered this diagnosis about 3 months ago when going through his medical file.

I was going through his medical file to see if he had recently received a positive std panel. My H is military, he left for 3.5 mos in July for school. I felt like something was up and started digging. The computer we share had pics of other women on it. I asked him about them and he immediately got defensive. Pretty typical behavior for him when confronted on doing something wrong.

Well the entire time he was gone he was just a plain out jerk. Rarely talked to me, made excuses, you know the drill. In my gut I knew something else was up. I was pissed at him the entire time he was gone and wasn't 100% sure why.

Late sept he returns home. Things were turbulent, I was so busy with what I had to do with the house, work, my kids and my illness (thought to be ms at this point), I really didn't care to pay much attention to him. He was acting off, taking his phone and iPad everywhere with him, coming home whenever (he literally doesn't have friends). One night he walks in at 9:30 pm and heads straight up to shower. LIGHTBULB for me! Embarrassingly enough I smell his clothes and know he's having an affair.

I have no proof so I bide my time for a few days until it comes to me. Again, new pics of 6 other women on the computer. One appears to be from a dating site. I take a pic of each one and decide how to confront. He admits to the dating site, but won't let me see his phone. I threaten throwing him out and he finally complies but deletes 2 whole conversations before I read them. He admits to "kissing" a couple of them. Fast forward.

I come to find on my own that he had sex with at least 3 women while he was gone and after he returned. He promised one woman (who knew about me) that he was moving her here from his home state to live in our home. He professed love for her etc etc. he had at least 15 others he was texting with. I came up positive fo HPV and chlamydia. Due to the HPV I am having to go through some horrendous medical stuff because it's turning cancerous already (I have had genetic cervical cancer twice and had a hysterectomy right after we got together). I was told if this doesn't clear up with the current treatment that I could be dead in 6 mos! Wth?  Dr says my history, my current illness as well as the new infections have caused my body to go haywire. He was privy to the fact that I could not be exposed to HPV or this could happen. I was told this when I had the hysterectomy. But he exposed and gave me HPV anyway... .he full on knew what he was exposing me to and took my life into his hands.

So me finding out about the cheating occurred almost 3 mos ago. Since then he has used his BPD to the hilt! He has shown anger with me when I'm upset instead of compassion or remorse. He has shown anger when I feel sad. He has used anger when I am mad. He has used anger for all of it. He tells me that I need to understand his mind and that he can't help but get mad and react this way. He has never physically abused me but he throws things, breaks stuff, punches walls and tool boxes. Just all out rage. I know I could be next.

I am so sad because I loved my husband deeply. Had I have known about the BPD early on things could have worked differently, I don't know that I would have even entered a serious relationship with him. But now I am so hurt and betrayed I don't care to work with him, hell I can hardly stand his face some days. He has excuses for everything, justifies every word I say, every feeling I have is somehow me wagging my finger in his face. I'm just so dang lost!

I don't know that this will work out, I don't know that I want it. This guy is NOT the man who I fell in love with. This guy acts like he can do no wrong. Half the time I don't know who or what or which side of him I will get. It's destroying me. He finally decided that he would go into intensive treatment about 2 weeks ago. Apparently it's a session with a therapist and a group session every week for at least 6 mos.

Unfortunately I feel it's too little too late. I need him here for me. I need to be able to yell and scream and cry and flip the hell out and for him to take it. To allow me to let go of what he has thrust upon me. But he cannot handle it so I bottle it up and occasionally explode. I need him to hold me sometimes and just tell me he is sorry and loves me and he will make this better but he can't do that either.  My life feels like it was flipped upside down and inside out with this and I don't know what to do.

BPD  is clear now that I know, I always knew there was something there but I couldn't ever place it. He was the smoothest man for the first year but once crap hit the fan after we got married he lost his marbles. I feel alone, scared, betrayed, mad,hurt and a million other things right now and I don't know what the heck to do!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey L/I, It seems as if the reality of your marriage is at odds with your hopes and dreams.  I sense that you are trying to reconcile the two.  Is that fair to say?  Now that you know about his BPD diagnosis, how does that change things, if at all?  What would you like to see happen?  Sorry for all the questions, but perhaps they will help you to collect your thoughts.

LuckyJim