Ready to leave...

[purplepelican]

Hello all,

I hope I've posted this in the right place. This is quite long winded so I apologize in advance... .

I'm so grateful that this forum exists.  This is my first post and my goal is to gain some insight as well as to get some of this off of my chest.

I've been with my husband (who is BPD) for almost 15 years and we have two beautiful children... .  and I am tired. Our relationship is incredibly one sided and he is hateful, condescending, and antagonistic towards me and anyone I am close to.Thankfully he doesn't really display this behavior towards the kids . We were separated for about 2 years before attempting to reconcile 8 months ago.

For reference I am the sole provider for our household and have been for the past 6 years. He will not work and barely lifts a finger at home. A condition of remaining in the same house was that he would take over the bulk of the household responsibilities. Initially he upheld his end, but not for long. He does the bare minimum amount of yard work, but will not touch a rake. I work 10 to 12 hour shifts and do all of the housework in addition to everything pertaining to the kids and now my Mom's estate ( she passed about 6 months ago very suddenly, which is still very difficult for me).  After she passed he became very hostile and constantly barraged me with scathing rants of how inconvenient her affairs were and how little attention he was getting in their wake. He also called me selfish ( add a few other choice words) when I wanted to attend a family dinner after her service.

I feel in the deepest corners of my soul that I can't continue this way for my sake and the sake of my kiddies. I've calmly ( and not so calmly!) expressed my expectations and need for some emotional support at the very least.  I'm met with hostility and criticism at worst and apathy at best.   That being said he is at times loving and somewhat supportive, but these times are far outweighed by constant negativity.  And I truly believe that he loves me and our kids as much as he is capable of loving another person.

I'm ready for him to leave, but how do I tell
 him/ go about this gently?  He is 100% financially dependant on me and has burned bridges with his family and most friends.   I love him deeply, but he is completely unwilling to seek mental help or to  put forth any effort to help our family and marriage.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Any advice is more than welcome.

[ynwa]

Hello Purplepelican,

Clearly you are in a place where you need to make decisions. I just wanted to say hello. The help I have received here has helped me work through and understand things I have been dealing with for a long time.  And you don't have to apologize for being long winded, you probably have a lot to say. 

[TommyBahama]

Hello purplepelican, you are going through a lot.  It seems that you do an enormous amount of work.  I am sorry that you have to endure such hard times.  Your husband probably won't change and if so only temporarily so you have to do what is best for everyone involved including the kids.  You said that he will not seek help, have you suggested that you both go to therapy together?  Does he admit to having a problem?

[purplepelican]

Ynwa and TommyBahama,

Thank you both for your kind words.  Knowing that there are others who have walked a similar path is very comforting.

TommyBahama,
Yes, I have suggested marriage counseling. We've gotten as far as having the appointment scheduled, however once the day arrived he refused to attend the session. By refused I mean that he started a huge fight and drove off in a rage an hour before our appointment. He is aware that he isn't functioning as he should be, however seems to use his BPD as a foundation of reason for his fits of rage and otherwise undesirable behaviors.

 I hope everyone has had a happy new year and thank you once again for being here.

[DaddyBear77]

purplepeliican, this situation is incredibly familiar to me. I am also the sole breadwinner currently (although by uBPDw has held VERY respectable 6 figure jobs at various points in the past 17 years, the latest one she quit because of the 'stress', which I only partially mock because the truth is, she WAS stressed beyond belief - it's just that most reasonable people would cope and carry on).

The financial burden is huge, and is made even bigger by the fact that I've agreed to spend tens of thousands of dollars on everything from diamond earrings to uncovered fertility treatments so she can "preserve her ability to have a second child sometime in the future when I stop being such a horrible partner and she can finish her masters degree"

I sound frustrated - I totally am - and I imagine you are too and others are as well. But I love her and as you said, she's 100% financially dependent on me, so that's part of the reason I stay.

But 4 years ago she had a 6 figure job. And even so, if I hadn't spent tens of thousands on jewelry and medical treatments I could write her a big fat check and move on.

I don't know if any of this sounds familiar to you, but hopefully this helps you understand that you're not alone.

DB

[Lucky Jim]

Hey purple pelican, Welcome!  Many of us, including me, have been in your shoes.  Like you, I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years, with two kids, so I can relate to your situation.  Let's face it: there's no "good time" to leave, nor is there an "easy way" to tell one's spouse that it's over.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  Only you can decide the right path for YOU, and for your kids.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

I noticed somewhere that you wanted to "gently" tell him to "shape up or ship out" (my interpretation of your words)

There is really no gentle way to do it.  I would focus on learning how to say it directly, clearly and in a healthy way.

Next focus is to manage yourself... .leave him to himself.

Do you have your own T that you go to? (t is lingo for therapist)

Did you go to MC session yourself?

Does he have access to money or do you hand him certain amounts?

FF

[purplepelican]

All of the repmies are really touching everyone, thanks so much!

DB,

The line between trying to appease your SO and not run yourelf into debt can be very fine and not always clear in my experience. Recently I've tightened the reigns on our finances. Initially it started ( and still starts) many arguments, however it has taken a great deal of stress off of my shoulders when the bills come in. 

LuckyJim,

So true. My gut says to walk away. Honestly at this point I don't have the desire or drive to keep doing this alone while I'm being berated and provoked at every turn. If you don't mind answering how did you cope with the more difficult times in your marriage?

FF,
You've interpreted correctly.

My current train of thought is to give him a timeframe for improvement. And to reestablish my boundaries. He swears at me often and that is one of the habits that I am attempting to break. If not I fear that his complacency and tirades will continue forever.

Yes, I've recently begun therapy myself.  My health insurance will only cover several visits, but it is something I plan to budget for.  And yes, I did go to the MC session myself. It was an introductory visit primarily and the counselor seemed pretty empathetic.

As far as finances are concerned I give him a set amount every week. When things were going in a more positive direction I gave him his own credit card with a very low limit, however that proved to be a huge mistake.  On this subject I would like to add that he is unscrupulous when it comes to aquiring something that he wants. He once found some new clothing that I had purchased for work ( 15 lb weight loss!) and returned them in order to buy a new computer game.

Again thank you all for the advice. 

[formflier]

Timeframes are bad.

What they usually hear is this.

"I know you've been vebally abusive to me for the past year, so I'm only going to allow that for another week and a half.  So... .you better bring your A game and really yell... .because after a week and a half, I'm going to value myself properly and not let you do that anymore.  Unless of course... .I get scared.  So... .you're not allowed to threaten... .just yell."

My real advice, I think above illustrates the point well enough, is to drop the money talk for week or two and establish boundaries.  Basically, that is establishing respect again.

Then, when it is time to work on money, you do that and chores at same time.

Give him the choice to do the chores or hire the chores done.  You will be paying the help instead of him.  His choice.

Tell me again why he is not working.  Has he applied for or gotten disability?


FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, PP, In order to cope, I practiced disengagement and declined to participate in the drama.  Also, I reached out to friends and family to get perspective on my situation.  It's easy to become isolated in a BPD r/s, because a pwBPD is so jealous and insecure about one's outside relationships, due to his/her fear of abandonment.  I took steps to secure my laptop and cell phone, in order to have lifelines to the outside world.  Maybe that sounds weird, but those w/BPD can be highly controlling and manipulative, so I had to work hard at keeping up connections to family and friends.  I also attended Al-Anon meetings, because my Ex had a drinking problem, which helped me to stop taking responsibility for her issues.  Finally, I more or less collapsed from the stress, so be careful about taking care of yourself and allowing yourself a chance to recharge.  I had nothing left in the tank, so-to-speak, at the end.

LuckyJim

[purplepelican]

LuckyJim,

I understand.  I'm sorry you endured such hard times.

FF,

Excellent advice which I'll be following. Thank you.

He simply will not pursue employment. He claims that his anxiety is too severe, to which I question how he is able to attend crowded events and concerts.
No,he does not receive disability and he has made it very clear that he has no interest in applying for it.

Thanks as always everyone.

[formflier]

No,he does not receive disability and he has made it very clear that he has no interest in applying for it.

Thanks as always everyone.

OK... .this may come across strong and opinionated... .perhaps telling you which "decision" to make... .vice giving you information and letting you decide.

I think your number 1 issue is forcing a choice on his disability.  Either go and "participate" with dr and apply for disability and treat your issue... .or go to work and do your best.

Otherwise... .I would pull his finances.

Yikes... .  

Full disclosure.  I'm rated 100% permanent and total disabled from the VA.  I have been denied my first to rounds of social security and have a lawyer... .and I've submitted for a hearing.

About 45% of the people in my shoes are granted disability at the hearing.  Very small numbers are granted in those first two rounds.

I'm lucky... .most vets in my position "look" disabled (missing limbs... .etc).  There are a few days here and there where I am decently productive.  If I have teenagers around I can get all kinds of things done.

Anyway... .there are tremendous benefits if he gets approved.  And it really "costs" nothing to try.   In the process he may find ways to cope better.

Right now he is being insulated from his choices... .by the choices of others.

One big principle of dealing with BPDish people is that  "covering" for them... .or "insulating" them from consequences is not a good course of action.

You are not responsible for his behavior, you ARE responsible for your choices and evaluating if you are helping... or enabling.

Please take no action... .but do some deep thinking on these things.  It's obvious there are changes that you can make. 

Making them all at once is NOT recommended.

FF

[purplepelican]

FF,

Totally in agreement about taking things one step at a time.

My first priority is to establish boundaries for sure. Then hopefully get him to cooperate with therapy or a relatively productive life. I like the idea of pulling finances if he refuses to make progress. Reality check I suppose.

Thanks as always.
 

[Jej]

PP, I'm sorry you are in this situation, it makes me so sad when I read so many people are hurting like this. Your situation sounds very similar to mine in how you are treated, but I'm not the breadwinner, I stopped work to watch our children. Take your time to work out what is best for you, listen to your instincts. I wish you luck x

[formflier]

  Then hopefully get him to cooperate with therapy or a relatively productive life. 
 

PP,

Most of us come here needing to change our thinking.

Look at what you wrote above.  Who is the "decider" about things in your life and in your r/s.

Compare that to... .

"I'm going to live life with people that are productive and take care of themselves... "

(note... .I'm not suggesting that my example is what you adopt as a value... .but I do want to draw a contrast... )

Thoughts on the contrast?

FF

[purplepelican]

Jej,

Thank you. It sounds like you have your hands full too. Taking care of children while shielding them from the crossfire is incredibly difficult.  Hats off to you!

FF,

What an excellent point! Certainly that train of thought seems healthier and more productive.  In retrospect I think I've resigned myself to the notion of going about with my husband at the center instead of myself. 

I have quite a bit to ponder on and that's just fine by me

[formflier]

I have quite a bit to ponder on and that's just fine by me

Pondering is a good thing. 

I now make it a habit to find quiet time and a cup of coffee.  I'll turn an issue over in my head... .sometimes I make notes.  I usually pray about it.  I first try to identify the values and principles involved.  Is there precedent?  How would I feel explaining my actions or my decision to a group of reasonable people... that don't know anyone involved?

Along with values and principles I ask if I am spending time, energy and thought on "the things that matter"... ."and in the order that matters"

Such as

1.  Relationship with God
2   Relationship with Wife
3.  Relationship with Children
4   Relationship with extended family
5   Relationship with church family
6   Relationship with others

Many times once you do that... .the decision "makes itself"

So... .if I'm pondering what I should do with an upcoming church function (priority 5) and I've also been pondering how I'm going to address an urgent need with a child (priority 3) and I've been unsettled for a while because there is no time and no plan to address my child's need.  Well... .one decision just got made... .easily.  No more pondering priority 5.  Figure out 3... .once that is good... .start expanding the list of things to ponder again.

FF

OK... that got longer than I expected... .hope it helps... .