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anna58
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« on: January 01, 2017, 04:06:31 AM » |
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Hi everyone,
I am fairly new here. I have had a relationship of sorts---he has always refused to define it or refer to us as dating or as a couple. But he has insisted on living with me, and at times the relationship is romantic/sexual. It's a mess and I have allowed it.
I met him on a dating site. We dated a bit and spent a lot of time together. That was 6 or years ago. He needed a place to live and I needed a housemate. He kept imposing himself--he had no place to live so needed to stay with me. He has a pattern of hopping from woman to woman this way. He was also a lot of fun and able to talk and get close and be a good companion. As long as everything went his way. He is a narcissist and has a very high IQ, and a history of serious abuse as a child.
He followed me across the country when I moved to be closer to family. He has lead others to believe we are a couple when we are in public, but refused to say we are dating when we are alone. It has torn me apart. Really, the more he insisted on living with me or near me, and I didn't tell him to get lost, then the closer and more attached I became.
He lies and manipulates. He is unaware of at least some of what he is doing. Tonight we talked about what is next and where he is going. I decided to ask him point blank how he felt about me. He has never verbally expressed any feelings for me, except to say we are close. He said I should know how he feels by his behavior this morning when we had sex. But sex has been a rare event and we don't sleep together at night. He says I should know how he feels... .he wanted to have sex. Then the next thing he says is that he isn't monogamous and he has a rich fantasy life and he decided it is best if he acted on it by having sex with me because sex is healthy and that Americans make too big a deal out of sex.
So, you see, he is vague and he undercuts things he says. He is slippery, manipulative. And I don't think he can feel anything, or at least he can't feel love, or not for me anyway. I have let him take advantage of me. I have no idea if he has any feelings for me.
We were into year 3 or 4 of living near/together. He made a big deal of sticking around to help with my sick dog, though I was fine if he left. I recently discovered that during that time he was emailing with a woman abroad and having a virtual affair online. He eventually went to Europe and ended up living with her for more than a year, while staying in touch with me, getting angry when a friend of mine was in "his" room here and he wanted to return. He did return a few months ago. It sounds like he was or is in love with her. But he has also left her now. She must be devastated.
He doesn't seem to feel love or attachment. He can't get it that she must be very very upset because she thought they loved each other and he is talking in practical terms about not having the money to return and he doesn't like living in her life; he needs his own life.
In 2 weeks, I have to move out of my apartment and I made it clear he can not come with me. This is a big deal for me. I am sticking to my guns so that I can move on.
Thanks for listening, and for any wisdom and support. I am very angry at him but holding that in and making plans for this move to be the step to start no contact.
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