How am I supposed to handle this?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I think I'm on the right board but if not please feel free to move it.

This morning I was playing with my son and his wooden train set. There are four plastic people, two blue and two red ones, no faces or anything, just color. My son picked up one of the blue ones and one of the red ones and said that it was him and me. Then he picked up the other blue one and was looking at it a little strangely. I started to play with his train again and all the sudden he started to cry, like a deep, really sad cry. He said, 'daddy, I miss daddy!'. Then he looked at me and said 'daddy's coming home. Mommy, I miss daddy!'. I was completely shocked and I reached for him and he let me hold him and he cried for another minute and calmed down and mentioned that 'daddy's at work but he needs to come home'. My heart broke when I realized why I hadn't thought he was really upset, he just thought daddy was at work somewhere.

My son just turned 7 in November and it's the first birthday and Christmas without his dad here at all. He was diagnosed with autism at 3, and still has limited ability in speech. He's doing better, but conveying difficult feelings is hard for him and putting things in a way that is conversational as opposed to telling his needs/wants or saying obvious things like he's hurt himself. (He's very clumsy like me.)

I didn't really expect this, and while my son is fine again believing daddy is coming home soon, I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I've explained to him that daddy left and he wouldn't be able to see him again for a very long time. I hoped he understood, but he assumed it was for work and he wants him back. How am I supposed to handle this?

I actually talked to his dad about it just a few minutes ago and not only did he barely sound upset, but he focused the conversation again on how he knows he did wrong and wants to fix it so that "we can be a family". He said he was holding back tears. He just sounded like I've heard for a long time, clinical, distant, another thing he has to check off his list. I know some men are like this normally and I see it all the time, but he didn't used to be and the longer we were married the less affectionate and caring he became extremely quickly. My mind is all over the place right now... .

[purekalm]

I think I'm on the right board but if not please feel free to move it.

This morning I was playing with my son and his wooden train set. There are four plastic people, two blue and two red ones, no faces or anything, just color. My son picked up one of the blue ones and one of the red ones and said that it was him and me. Then he picked up the other blue one and was looking at it a little strangely. I started to play with his train again and all the sudden he started to cry, like a deep, really sad cry. He said, 'daddy, I miss daddy!'. Then he looked at me and said 'daddy's coming home. Mommy, I miss daddy!'. I was completely shocked and I reached for him and he let me hold him and he cried for another minute and calmed down and mentioned that 'daddy's at work but he needs to come home'. My heart broke when I realized why I hadn't thought he was really upset, he just thought daddy was at work somewhere.

My son just turned 7 in November and it's the first birthday and Christmas without his dad here at all. He was diagnosed with autism at 3, and still has limited ability in speech. He's doing better, but conveying difficult feelings is hard for him and putting things in a way that is conversational as opposed to telling his needs/wants or saying obvious things like he's hurt himself. (He's very clumsy like me.)

I didn't really expect this, and while my son is fine again believing daddy is coming home soon, I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I've explained to him that daddy left and he wouldn't be able to see him again for a very long time. I hoped he understood, but he assumed it was for work and he wants him back. How am I supposed to handle this?

I actually talked to his dad about it just a few minutes ago and not only did he barely sound upset, but he focused the conversation again on how he knows he did wrong and wants to fix it so that "we can be a family". He said he was holding back tears. He just sounded like I've heard for a long time, clinical, distant, another thing he has to check off his list. I know some men are like this normally and I see it all the time, but he didn't used to be and the longer we were married the less affectionate and caring he became extremely quickly. My mind is all over the place right now... .

[Turkish]

Can you give us a short background about what led up to you having your son and his father not being there?

Our son,  S6 (about to turn 7) was recently diagnosed with ASD Level 1 "Requiring Support" or what they used to call Asperger's prior to the DSM-V revision.

When he was 3, he used to cry,  "where is Mommy? I want mommy to come home!" Broke my heart.  Technically,  she was still living with us. On one phone conversation, he was asking her to come home,  and she said "mommy needs mommy time, but I love you and will see you soon." So much the wrong thing to say and I wanted to smack my forehead in disgust. A child that young hears this as "I don't love you."

I've heard it from so many resources that children should be told the truth,  though age appropriately.  For a child who may have trouble comprehending emotional issues, this may be harder,  but it's still valid.

Knowing your son, how do you think you might communicate this without alienating him towards his father? You know your son best. 

[purekalm]

Turkish,

Ok, short as possible. At 4 and a half months old we went through the system for child abuse where I wasn't blamed,  my husband initially was and was arrested, in jail for 40 days and then after a jury trial where me and anyone involved talked individually with a judge and jury he was no bill (I think they called it) and let out but we were not allowed to live together for a year. We lived for three or four months together but it was hell because it was so difficult, he was afraid to get close to our son again and we argued all the time. He did loans and we ended up having to move back in with my parents and my dad is uBPD and my mom is controlling with her comments and so I could  never do anything right and at that point it seemed like my husband had given up so I was stuck and suffered severely from depression and anxiety due to cps, my parents, my husband's actions, the unknown, the world kind of blowing up in my face. We moved a year later (due to another person buying the property and wanting our apartment for an office) and we've been here ever since, with my parents and brother. My parents treated him on and off like he was a monster or a good guy and would always be looking out their door whenever he was around our son, making comments. During this whole time my husband was working and supporting everyone(because my dad wastes the majority of his money on his addictions) and when he lost the job he'd had for years he went downhill real quick and had a stream of short lived jobs. We could never quite make it work because my parents were always in the way. There was one point where we were getting things together and I mentioned that I might move out but my mom told me if I did she would call cps on me and that was that and it ruined things for the next few years. It just added another piece of crap to what I was already going through. There's basically no privacy here and they acted like I couldn't be happy with my husband, like ever. I had stopped arguing for the most part years ago because I didn't want my son to go through that as well. I pretty much have raised him all by myself and my husband was consumed with what he wanted to do because he felt trapped as well. This last March he went to visit his family and decided he wanted to stay and we weren't working out. He regretted his decision within a couple days and within a month and I let him back. He had a worse attitude and right off and it was another few months before he got stable work. After that, he had calmed down some and we were able to talk and he was spending more time with our son and things seemed to be getting better but there was always my parents intensifying my fears of if he would do what he needed and he decided to leave again. We talked about it, but I never told him I didn't want him to go I just asked him why and he didn't have an answer. He told me later that it hit him hard as soon as he sat in the airport and on the flight that he was doing the wrong thing. It's been three months since then. He hasn't had the best or worst relationship with our son, but our son has always loved him no matter what and he knows that he's gone. There's a part of me that wonders if things would have gone the same if my disordered family hadn't been involved.

This last month especially he's been acting differently, but I haven't let myself hope that he will do what he says. I've even said things in anger that would normally have sent him flying off the handle, phone or in person and he didn't. Then, my son starts crying and really missing him. My husband still wants to work everything out, away from my parents of course and wants us to be a family that we never got to be. He loves our son and tries to talk to him often, or just sit and watch him play through a video chat which is usually the case since he's not so conversational yet. I told my husband over a month ago when I was still angry that I didn't want him back, because I'm tired of being hurt and I don't want our son to be hurt anymore if he came back and didn't keep his word. Just yesterday he mentioned "when I'm allowed to come back" and it hurt me a little because now I'm part of my son's pain too, but I don't know what to do.

I have told my son the truth, that daddy left us and it would just be me and him for a long time. I've told him more than once because he's not got the best attention either at times and he still took it as daddy is at work. When he was in the bathroom yesterday washing his hands he came out of nowhere saying "mommy forgive daddy and daddy come home and we all be happy". He picks up more than I say, apparently. I just, I'm not sure how to handle this or what I should do. I'm not anxious about it and I'm taking my time making any major decisions and I always want to do what's best for my son, and right now I'm not sure what that is.

I'm sorry your son had to hear that. It was definitely not the right thing to say.

[purekalm]

Turkish,

Thank you for replying but after re reading what I've written and thinking about all that I haven't written, I've figured it out. I appreciate your thought and effort and I apologize for wasting space.


Thanks again. 

[Turkish]

Turkish,

Thank you for replying but after re reading what I've written and thinking about all that I haven't written, I've figured it out. I appreciate your thought and effort and I apologize for wasting space.

Thanks again. 

No waste of space here 

What did you figure out?

[purekalm]

Ok, so, in an effort to stop doing what I usually do... .(Asking for help then trying to retract it for always feeling in the way or burdensome)

Truthfully, I haven't figured much of anything out at the moment. I have thought a lot about all of this of course and I keep replaying my life from the time I met my husband til now. I hate to admit it, but I let my parents push me around almost the whole time. After my parenting and love for my son was put into question by authorities and then my parents added their share, I felt like I could never be a good mom, could never make the right decision when it came to him. I got so deep into depression and disassociation that I was more like a zombie than a person, desperately trying to pretend I wasn't so I could appear competent to those who thought I wasn't.

Yes, my husband has done more than his fair share of damage, a lot by ignoring and abandoning. I saw him change though, and I'm not sure if it was him or my family, or both. He grew up a bit dysfunctional, but not on the level my family is because of my dad. He kind of threw himself into a pretty bad situation and he shut down because of it. Being completely honest with myself, I don't know what to do. I don't want to keep living with my parents, but I don't know if I trust my husband enough to work this out. Just the other day my mom called herself 'mommy' to my son. She caught herself, but it's not the first time. I can't seem to get myself out of depression here to do the things I want and need. When I had my own place for those short months, even though my relationship with my husband sucked one, I felt pretty free and I did all the things and more that I could barely function for while living with my parents.

I don't want to rush in making a decision, that always ends up bad. I just wonder if I should for my son or is he better off without him here? Has he really realized what he's talked about or is he just blowing smoke because he's tired of living with his family member?I know that no one here can tell me that, and I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking anymore. I just want to do what's best for my son without second guessing myself to death and worrying what everyone else would think.

[Turkish]

You're stuck living with your parents for now.  That had its own set of issues,  and your son's dad moving back would likely exacerbate this,  on all sides.  Is there a plan which is feasible for you to live alone again at some point and start from there as a baseline? It sound like you're getting it from all sides (even your son,  but he's to young to assign responsibility). No wonder you're struggling! This is alot of pressure.  You're the only one who seems to have a long term vision on having a healthy family.

Do you have a plan,  even if it's a year out?

[purekalm]

Turkish,

Yes, my son's dad moving back would definitely exacerbate the situation considering my mom was very cheerful once he left saying all manner of stuff about him and my dad only sees him as valuable when he's giving him money or helping him and other than that he calls him all sorts of stuff and of course acts like he never said a thing when he's his 'buddy' again. When I told my mom about what my son did she started to say, 'well, you're just gonna have to get used to it' but stopped (can't believe it) and said 'it's your choice' with this tone and body language that suggests I'm a fool if I do. My parents don't realize they've caused the most damage.

It would probably take a year if I can get out on my own without parents or husband because my son goes to an online school and besides the live session, I'm basically his teacher. I do have plans for income for myself and I'm working on it. If you meant to move out with his dad, I don't know because he still doesn't have a stable job and I've already given him at least three months to prove he means what he says, so next month I have to make a decision about that.

Yeah, I do want my family to work, just not sure how to do that at this point. I've always had to be the adult, whether my parents or my husband and so I'm always trying to figure things out as best as possible. For my husband though, I expect us to be able to be a team. I can't change anybody and I learned that the hard way, but there are reasonable expectations in a marriage and as a co parent to our son.

I have all the motivation in the world, I'm just having a hard time maintaining forward momentum and it's frustrating. I don't know if you've ever seen an old movie called The Neverending Story, (The book is better by the way) but there's a part where one of the main characters is trudging through the swamp of sadness. It's thick with mud and water, seems to go on forever and if you let sadness overtake you the swamp will swallow you up. (Kind of a good depiction of depression. ) That's how it feels right now, but I can see the end, or rather, a new beginning so I won't give up hope. It's just difficult at the moment.