Broke no contact = BPD comes back to abuse and hurt me again

[CooperD]

Hi folks,

It's been a very crazy week which has really reinforced what many of you have written regarding the need to maintain no contact to avoid the pain coming right back at you.

I had been no contact with my BPD since 14th November - she severed all contact with me having dropped  a divorce on me and threatening my career/a restraining-harrasment order if I so dare contact her again.

I have been doing quite well - in terms of counselling / focusing on excercise / guitar and friends.  I've even managed to pluck the courage to go on a few dates.

However on the 26th December my BPD ex-wife contacted me out of the blue to tell me that she has received abnormal results regarding HIV - that she was HIV positive and needed me to go test. 

During that coversation she was angry and blamed me for to quote "what a fooked up mess" she is and also told me how she had gone "psycho" on some new guy she had met and he had bascially ditched her.  She did twist the knife by telling me how she had kissed this guy and how he drove a porsche (we had hired a porsche at our wedding) so nice little bit of pain for her to deliver there.

I made the decision to go and do an emergency HIV test just for my own peace of mind and so this brought myself and the BPD back into contact via email so that we could exchange results.  We exchanged results and both thankfully negative. 

However during the exchanges little bits of personal information started to creep in - she told me how she has started running again and is planning on going to law school.  She sent me pictures of her and her adorable little dogs getting their christmas photo taken.  I also started reciprocating and sent her details of my netflix account so she could log in to watch a UK show she likes.  Her emails to me and mine back where closed with " love xxx"

I could feel myself getting drawn in and emotions building up in me - I was thinking - is she missing me / is she trying to recycle me / is she feeling sorry for what she did and how she ended things ?

Her last email was to tell me she would call me on new years day to wish me a happy new year. 

She just called and basically told me that she has sent me the divorce certificate out and that she never wants to be with me again. 

She told me if I want to be her friend she can add me to her list but she has had to turn a lot of people's friendships down recently as she is too busy. 

Just listening to her on the phone i noticed - how angry she still is, her sense of entitlement (she actually told me she wants to be with a man where she does not have to ever pay for anything) (she also told me she is accustomed to a quality of life financially I can not provide her with).

She was also laughing high pitched and told me this is the last time she will ever contact me or that I will ever speak to her.

i am disapponted in myself that my mantra "no contact = no more hurt" has been broken.  The HIV story was too much of a trigger for me to just ignore - although maybe she played me with that.

Its done now and I cant change it - it was painful having contact with her again and feeling like she was close to me again only for her to then rip it away again whilst planting a few seeds in my head to make me feel inadequate.

She really is a sick individual and I do have to be thankful she is almost gone.  I just hope next time she tries to come back into my life in any way I am strong enough to ignore her.

[michel71]

I am sorry you had to go through that.

I had a feeling that the whole HIV testing thing was a way to draw you back in for another "beating". What if she contacts you for yet something else? Are you going to take the bait? It could be anything. Genital warts. HPV. Or even something non-medical.

Being on this site for a few years now I have read some stories of horrible BPDs. Yours was among the worst. Very scary. Very disordered. Very evil. What she did to you was pure torture and brutality.

You are in good company. So many here have broken no contact only to get b-slapped back into reality. You might have needed to go through that to help with your detachment. I remember this relationship that I had with this girl several years back. It was a world wind thing, sort of a summer romance I would say. I was way too into her and it scared her and she backed away. I kept pursuing and basically asked for it... .bad treatment. I eventually "got the hint". She was more brutal than most and no, not disordered, just kinda fickle and young.

This has been excruciating for you man. You deserve peace and tranquility. This woman is beyond toxic. That is the horrible part of BPD. At first they are a dream come true... .then they are our worst nightmares.

[Keef]

CooperD, sorry to hear this... That's some way out desperate behaviour! Pushing, pulling, reeling in, discarding etc... only over a few days. I can see you're feeling bad!

You recognized her anger on the phone, including her feelings of entitlement. It sucks that you were on the receiving end, but you now have further evidence for her inner turmoil, such as difficulties with regulating her feelings, behaving very inconsistently, et c.

Stay strong, and post on!

[CooperD]

Thanks folks,

Keef - you're correct.  If I do extract myself from the actual emotions of speaking to her on the telephone and evaluate it objectively it shows me just how troubled she is.  She can type "love xxx" in an email but then the very next day on the telephone tells me she will never ever speak to me again.  Completely inconsistent and fluctuating between extremes.

Thanks Michel - I hope if she does ever come back to try to draw me in with something out of the blue again I will be in a place where I can resist.  Maybe because its Christmas I was feeling more vulnerable and so I jumped on to her contacting me (even though it was over an STD test). 

 You're right my BPD has behaved terribily towards me - the list I have of the things she did/said - is pure abuse and sadism.  Unfortunately it seems she still has some form of power over me in terms of being able to impact on my emotions. 

No contact = no more hurt is the only way I can go forward.

At least I am now formally divorced as the divorce certificate is in the post on its way to me.

[lovenature]

Hey Coop, you're only human like the rest of us who have broken NC, and for much less than a possible disease. Sadly PWBPD are known to fake illnesses, exaggerate ailments, whatever they can to maintain an attachment. Learn from this and continue with NC.

Be sure you are ready to date someone, it is only fair to you and them; most agree that if their ex.'s are still affecting them, they aren't ready for another relationship, but everyone is different and therefore must decide what is right for them.