Trying to get back to normality

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi, first time on here, not sure if anyone will read this and please excuse auto correction! I separated from my wife a few months ago, we had been together for around ten years and have two wonderful children, ages 6 and 3.
I now have an adequate house of my own, have 50/50 childcare, have no romantic involvement with anyone but am very happy. Except I am struggling with a some low self esteem, which I think is due to my wife being from what I can make out BPD / NPD. Reading common traits of these conditions is amazingly accurate
Even from the start of our relationship I was always "under the thumb" but was very happy, and we even used to laugh about this with friends. But we did have some terrible arguments, so bad I would think it was over but then straight away it would all be forgotten. I questioned once whether she thought that it was normal to argue so much, she said she enjoyed it as it cleared the air.
When my first child was born, I made a conscious decision to stand up for myself more, as I didn't want my son seeing me so "weak" and that is where things got a lot worse
Her aggressiveness became incredible, everything was my fault, my job wasn't  good enough even though we had an amazing house, and were relatively comfortable financially, but she got louder and I seemed to have no alternative but to get quieter.
I didn't want to end the marriage because of my children, and remember making another conscious decision that it didn't matter about my happiness and that my children was all that mattered and I should just put up with the "abuse." I was also worried that by splitting, I would not be given access to see them.
We talked about separating, mostly during arguments, and one day she calmly said that she wanted to separate and I took a deep breath and said that I thought so too.
It took about 18 months to sell house, etc, during which time I just kept my head down as much as possible, but there were some terrible arguments as there would be in a separation, but always extremely one-sided
It is since being away from her, that I know there is a problem.
There has always been a massive lack of empathy
She would fall out with close friends of hers over small issues
She never accepted any of my friends into our "group "
Her mum says that she can't deal with her as she just "jumps down her throat"
She would not listen to reason and would always come back at me with a list of my faults
Recently it has become impossible to communicate with her when she is in a rage, she will refuse to let me speak at all and hang up when she has finished her quick-fire abuse, I say that she can speak as long as I get my turn afterwards, but she will always hang up when she's finished. I will then receive extremely long texts listing my faults, questioning my parenting skills which I know are sound, and calling me useless, etc. I will spend the night in turmoil, our divorce is not yet finalised and she had threatened several times to not let me see the children, but the next day I will get a normal message with a x on the end!
On Christmas eve I witnessed her lose her temper with my six year old son, and throw some boxes of sweets at him, pick some more up and throw them against the wall, whilst screaming that she'd had enough of him, and storm upstairs. I changed the children down, and then calmly asked her what she thought she was doingand that she should apologise to them, she replied that "he'd been a little s**t all day and that she wouldn't apologise. I pointed out that it was Christmas, he was six, and that he'd remember this Christmas, and she did eventually apologise
A few days ago she texted me in the evening to say that her new partner (of nine months) had bought pantomime tickets for them and the children, we have always said that we would not introduce any new partners until discussing it, so I obviously said no, not until I meet him. A few hours of abusive calls and texts followed, again listing my faults, calling me names, etc, with me trying to point out that she had caused this issue and had gone against what we had agreed, but her rage on the phone was again incredible and I literally could not get a word in before she would hang up. I eventually text to say that they could go, as this was going to be am inevitable step, but they should act as friends and that I want to meet him in the next two weeks. She didn't reply, and it was left at that for the night, again no sleep for me
I called her In the morning, and said that I presumed that they were going to go, and she was completely back to normal and friendly. Texts again a few hours later with x's.
Sorry to go on, if anyone is still reading, any insight would be appreciated. I feel a bit of a failure for not being able to stand up for myself, to make the marriage work especially for the children's sakes, and that she is still controlling me although we are now separate. But my children are coping very well and we have a wonderful time when they stay with me, and hopefully when divorced with my childcare agreement official, she will lose some of her power over me

[Newhouse23]

Hi, first time on here, not sure if anyone will read this and please excuse auto correction! I separated from my wife a few months ago, we had been together for around ten years and have two wonderful children, ages 6 and 3.
I now have an adequate house of my own, have 50/50 childcare, have no romantic involvement with anyone but am very happy. Except I am struggling with a some low self esteem, which I think is due to my wife being from what I can make out BPD / NPD. Reading common traits of these conditions is amazingly accurate
Even from the start of our relationship I was always "under the thumb" but was very happy, and we even used to laugh about this with friends. But we did have some terrible arguments, so bad I would think it was over but then straight away it would all be forgotten. I questioned once whether she thought that it was normal to argue so much, she said she enjoyed it as it cleared the air.
When my first child was born, I made a conscious decision to stand up for myself more, as I didn't want my son seeing me so "weak" and that is where things got a lot worse
Her aggressiveness became incredible, everything was my fault, my job wasn't  good enough even though we had an amazing house, and were relatively comfortable financially, but she got louder and I seemed to have no alternative but to get quieter.
I didn't want to end the marriage because of my children, and remember making another conscious decision that it didn't matter about my happiness and that my children was all that mattered and I should just put up with the "abuse." I was also worried that by splitting, I would not be given access to see them.
We talked about separating, mostly during arguments, and one day she calmly said that she wanted to separate and I took a deep breath and said that I thought so too.
It took about 18 months to sell house, etc, during which time I just kept my head down as much as possible, but there were some terrible arguments as there would be in a separation, but always extremely one-sided
It is since being away from her, that I know there is a problem.
There has always been a massive lack of empathy
She would fall out with close friends of hers over small issues
She never accepted any of my friends into our "group "
Her mum says that she can't deal with her as she just "jumps down her throat"
She would not listen to reason and would always come back at me with a list of my faults
Recently it has become impossible to communicate with her when she is in a rage, she will refuse to let me speak at all and hang up when she has finished her quick-fire abuse, I say that she can speak as long as I get my turn afterwards, but she will always hang up when she's finished. I will then receive extremely long texts listing my faults, questioning my parenting skills which I know are sound, and calling me useless, etc. I will spend the night in turmoil, our divorce is not yet finalised and she had threatened several times to not let me see the children, but the next day I will get a normal message with a x on the end!
On Christmas eve I witnessed her lose her temper with my six year old son, and throw some boxes of sweets at him, pick some more up and throw them against the wall, whilst screaming that she'd had enough of him, and storm upstairs. I changed the children down, and then calmly asked her what she thought she was doingand that she should apologise to them, she replied that "he'd been a little s**t all day and that she wouldn't apologise. I pointed out that it was Christmas, he was six, and that he'd remember this Christmas, and she did eventually apologise
A few days ago she texted me in the evening to say that her new partner (of nine months) had bought pantomime tickets for them and the children, we have always said that we would not introduce any new partners until discussing it, so I obviously said no, not until I meet him. A few hours of abusive calls and texts followed, again listing my faults, calling me names, etc, with me trying to point out that she had caused this issue and had gone against what we had agreed, but her rage on the phone was again incredible and I literally could not get a word in before she would hang up. I eventually text to say that they could go, as this was going to be am inevitable step, but they should act as friends and that I want to meet him in the next two weeks. She didn't reply, and it was left at that for the night, again no sleep for me
I called her In the morning, and said that I presumed that they were going to go, and she was completely back to normal and friendly. Texts again a few hours later with x's.
Sorry to go on, if anyone is still reading, any insight would be appreciated. I feel a bit of a failure for not being able to stand up for myself, to make the marriage work especially for the children's sakes, and that she is still controlling me although we are now separate. But my children are coping very well and we have a wonderful time when they stay with me, and hopefully when divorced with my childcare agreement official, she will lose some of her power over me

[Turkish]

This can get better,  but it takes time and work 

Given the divorce,  are you going for joint custody? It sucks  (maybe no better way to say it) that she's found someone new.  This is another issue regarding detaching from the romantic r/s apart from children... .but it's not so separate. Tough stuff. I've been there. 

Is the custody issue finalized?