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Author Topic: New Here... Looking for support while I attempt to end things with my GF.  (Read 531 times)
babyducks
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« Reply #30 on: January 07, 2017, 05:46:58 PM »

Hey there Lynn,

Here are a couple of ideas to turn around in your head.    

There is a difference between emotional reality and emotional reactivity.   Yeah I know big weird words.   Being cool (click to insert in post)

Emotional reactivity is this:   "I tried to be pleasant today, but you were rude. If you would be pleasant and caring, I would be pleasant and caring."

Emotional reactivity focuses,  very intently on the other person.   What she is doing, not doing, what it really means that she is doing this or not that,  why she would do this or that?   Beyond what is normal for understanding.

In a r/s with a pwBPD you want to deliberately and consciously dial down the reactivity.   pwBPD are highly sensitive to the people around them,  are great at reading other peoples moods and often times get it very right.   It looks like this,   she gets upset, which bothers you, she notices you are upset and this dials up her emotions,  you realize she is ramping up and get more disturbed and bang you are both on the roof with your emotions.  

Center yourself.    She has done this before disappeared and then reappeared.   There is a strong chance she will show up again.    

I would suggest you consider changing the focus,  to what Lynn wants, what Lynn feels, what Lynn  will and will not tolerate.    Focusing on the emotional stable personality will, by default produce a more stable experience for you.

Here is another thought to turn around in your head.

We are going on almost two days of no contact and Im unsure what to do. Give in and say whats up ( because this is childish and so unhealthy) or continue until she comes to her senses and contacts me. ?

Your thoughts/feelings/ideas drive your actions.    Not her thoughts/feelings/actions.   In other words you do what you think is the right thing based on your processing of the situation.   Not in response to another person's desires.   Did your mother ever say to you,  if Johnny Johnson jumped off the Empire State Building would you jump off the Empire State building.   It's the same concept.   Only bigger.

And when/if she contacts you don't JADE.   Justify Argue Defend Explain.

Engaging in a circular argument with her by Justifying, Arguing, Defending or Explaining gives her what she needs, a place to dump her negative emotions and leaves you holding the bag.    You will never 'win' a circular argument, you will give her the opportunity to vent.

My partner is quite diminutive, and yet she contains with in her small frame all the fury of a volcano at full boil.    Opportunities to let that out releases pressure that builds inside her.   Doesn't work for me.

hope this helps
'ducks
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Lynn324

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« Reply #31 on: January 08, 2017, 06:25:29 AM »

Ducks thank you again! That made a lot of sense. We are going on day 3 of absolute no contact by her. Again I still have not initiated any form either. Im hurting but I also know I cant give in. This is deliberate on her part for whatever reason.  So I know not to JADE thanks to you, but if im not justifying or defending myself when she does reach out what and how do i act.  I can picture her texting or calling and saying whats up.  Me saying not too much. I always keep it short answers. Then shell probably ask what Ive been doing which will lead to, why cant you text? Then are you mad at me? ... .I guess I just say, I ve been busy with things here at home, relaxing and no Im not mad what so ever. Does this sound reasonable. As far as her asking why I didn't text... .Not sure what will be my reply. I know what Id like to say... .Lol. Also if she asks is this it are we done, not sure what to say. I know in my heart I dont want to be done, but I also know I can't keep this up and keep my sanity unless shes willing to get help.  All of this has played heavy on my mind for 24 hrs now. I just need guidance as to what to say. Im pretty good at staying calm with her.

While all this is happening she is snapping her wild night out not to me but I can see the videos. I have not looked at them as I ll just be angered. This is all to show me she doesnt care or life goes on, but it really shows me is that shes hurting and conflicted.
Shes told me before she does better alone. I really dont believe that.  But maybe I should.  At this point I have my entire family saying nows the time L to let her go. You deserve the world and you have so much to offer. These things I do know and by anyone else Id probably of ended it a long time ago. There is this connection, its a deep one with her. But I dont want to be her FWB anymore... .I love her too much for that. I realize in so many ways she needs me more then I need her.  I can see past the disorder and when she is calm its quite smazing.  But again I cant stay too long or she gets ancy and then sometimes she gets sad if I leave to early. I can never tell.
Point here is she needs me there when she needs me and she has said that. She has told me she knows shes selfish and that if I cant handle it to let her know. These are conversations weve had in the past.
Big part of me doesnt want to go thru a breakup from her because of the intense pain I will feel. But I also know time heals.  I love her so much and feel are uniquenesses mesh together well... .so hard... .So hard. Ducks or FF  if you could give me somebpointers on how to handle the above questions that be great. Thank you both again!
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babyducks
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« Reply #32 on: January 08, 2017, 07:10:42 AM »

We are going on day 3 of absolute no contact by her. Again I still have not initiated any form either. Im hurting but I also know I cant give in. This is deliberate on her part for whatever reason.  So I know not to JADE thanks to you, but if im not justifying or defending myself when she does reach out what and how do i act.  ... .me somebpointers on how to handle the above questions that be great. Thank you both again!

Hi Lynn,

We can do some role playing here, but please understand that this is just role playing.  to help look at the conversation from a different perspective, not something that should be viewed as cast in stone.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Her:  what's up?
You: (your authentic self but kept mild)   Not a lot,  I've been binge watching Netflix and surfing the internet.   How about you?  (this is honest but not inflammatory, and the ball is back in her court)
Her:   I've been busy out with my friends and stuff.   It's been 3 days since you texted me, why can't you text?
You:   You're right, it has been 3 days since we've texted. I noticed that too.  (notice the pronoun change? )
Her:  Well then why can't you just text me.  I've  talked about this before and I've told you what I think.
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
Let's look at this more closely for a minute.    There is a lot of subtle stuff going on here.   It's controlling.  Her needs are being given a lot of importance here.   You could say she is trying to get her needs met by manipulating the situation.   You want to think carefully about this answer.
You:  We have talked about this before, and it seems we have a hard time reaching comprise don't you think?
Her:  Are you mad at me?
Let's look at this too.   Are you sure you want to say No here?    Isn't it better for you to be honest about what you have been feeling than to try to avoid an argument by denying what you have been going through?  You want to speak your truth but keep it mild, within a framework that won't damage either you or her further.   
You:  I've been worried and upset.  I never know what's going on with you when you drop off the radar this way.
Her:  WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST TEXTED ME THEN.
 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)
  this is blameshifting, moving the responsibility for the r/s on to you and her emotional temperature is going up.   
You:  I could have texted but I don't feel comfortable with how this plays out between us.  So I decided to do other things instead.

etc etc etc

now this is just pretend.    the real conversation you have should be in your own words with your own voice.   

hope this helps
'ducks
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« Reply #33 on: January 08, 2017, 08:16:10 AM »


Note the big picture of this conversation... .which... .while fiction... .is all to real for many of us.

Please look at how there is an effort to "hook" the "non" into a JADE or some sort of "argument".

Do you see how the "BPDish" person is saying "Hey... fight with me"

I'm not for a minute suggesting that "nons" should never fight.  Some things are worth fighting for.  However, when we as a non have no intention of fighting, and someone comes along and instead of fighting with us, invites us to fight with them... .Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)    realize they are trying to claim "victim status".

We can't change their thinking, but we are responsible for not enabling... .as much as we can control.  Which means what we do and say.

Lynn324,

Do you see this?

FF
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« Reply #34 on: January 08, 2017, 10:43:38 AM »

Still no contact, but her night is posted all over facebook. Im still going strong. The is a control thing I feel. She needs to feel control over me to feel content.  If I give in... .I lose and lose big. If I dont contact her I still lose, but keep my dignity. This is so difficult. I didnt sleep well... .Hoping this was all a bad dream, but woke up to her fun times on facebook. How can this be love... .
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Lynn324

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« Reply #35 on: January 08, 2017, 10:50:36 AM »

FF, it does make sense! Im done enabling, its unhealthy. If you want me, youll get help or you will figure what your problem is and deal. She Wants to paint me bad, she even called me controlling. Which I figured was a projection.  I love her too much to continue feeding her what she wants. Boundaries or nothing. And at this rate... .It appears she has chosen to remain silent and play victim Im sure. She cant deal that someone cd love her thecway she is. I feel she actually needs me to leave because thats the cycle she is used too. Its so sad... . 
Im trying to remain strong... .. Being around people helps for now...
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Lynn324

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« Reply #36 on: January 08, 2017, 03:54:05 PM »

Currently now trying to make me jealous by having her exes post all over her page. I feel like I want to end things with a text and then block her off of everything. Now teying to make me jealous and make upset just because I wont text is just plain not healthy.  Any suggestions... .
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babyducks
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« Reply #37 on: January 09, 2017, 04:57:42 AM »

Hi Lynn,

What I hear you describing is a lot of emotional reactivity, both yours and hers.

What can you do to dial that down?   You do not want to engage in a tit for tat with her.    What is the trigger here that has jacked up your emotional arousal?    And how can you manage your distress?

'ducks
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Lynn324

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« Reply #38 on: January 09, 2017, 07:22:29 AM »

One thing Ive never done is tit for tat with her. Because it just makes things worse.  Its childish. I dont want to hurt her by doing that, which also makes me hurt because its just plain nit cool. I feel like Im the adult here, but I have feelings. I know shes doing these things to get reaction, I refuse to play.  I do belueve its over. Sadly.  No texts from either of us. Usually Id give in and say ask whats wrong but I cant anymore. My family and friends are all trying to help me get out ofvthis.  The one thing I have not done is get her off my facebook or snap. I cried because I couldnt just delete her.  I know once I do this I can move on... .So so hard.  What triggered an emotional response on all this I guess is we went from having a good week to this. Her trying to make jealousand hurting me and me just stayingvsilent and not playing the game. I know i have to let her go.
She told me a couple weeks ago this " some of the best relationships go through many breakups". Shes like we are on part two and there maybe a part three and part Four. Shes like look at my uncle,theyve been together for 10!years and they gonacouple just fine then they split for a year and then come back"  In my my mind im thinking does she really believe thats healthy?   I assured her there would be no part three if we broke up this time. 
Im pretty sick and depressed due to this all and I honestly think she doesnt care.
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« Reply #39 on: January 09, 2017, 10:23:13 AM »

Currently now trying to make me jealous by having her exes post all over her page. I feel like I want to end things with a text   Any suggestions... .

1.  Don't take things personally

Several years ago when my family and I went through some "family therapy" (kids involved too), this concept was presented to me.  I'll tell you it was earth-shattering to me.  Looking back I'm kind of sheepish about it.  

Now I rephrase it in my head... ."People do what they do, because of them (not me)"

Perhaps you are right about her motivations in posting things on her wall.  Perhaps you are not.

Ultimately the reasons that she is doing that... .are about her.

How does this relate to you?

Just like the reasons that she is doing what she is doing are about her... .the reasons you are doing what you are doing are about you.  

With that in mind... .can you help me understand the focus on your pwBPDs social media activity?

Hang in there!  Less reactivity and more introspection will do you a world of good.

FF
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« Reply #40 on: January 09, 2017, 10:28:01 AM »


OK... .here comes judgmental FF with a suggestion about your texting idea to end things.

I would hope that you would create a value for yourself that you will conduct your relationship ending in person. 

Look the other person in the eye and say what you have to say... directly. 

I can foresee a question about... ."what if they won't come talk to me... .?"  Well, you only control your part.  I would encourage you... .to let them know you are open for conversation... .and then respect their choices and your values.

If that means you never "get to end it"... .then it is what it is.

You have your values and they have theirs.

Thoughts about this? 

FF
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Lynn324

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« Reply #41 on: January 09, 2017, 01:52:02 PM »

Im frightened to do it in person. Its so final. Its sad. Very emotional and I feel like in order for me to end things I have to be very done, angry. Truth is Im done but seeing her would absolutely hurt more. Ive tried ending it in person and we end up still aeeing each orher. I dont want to be drawn in again.
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« Reply #42 on: January 09, 2017, 02:22:54 PM »

Im frightened to do it in person. Its so final. Its sad. Very emotional and I feel like in order for me to end things I have to be very done, angry. Truth is Im done but seeing her would absolutely hurt more. Ive tried ending it in person and we end up still aeeing each orher. I dont want to be drawn in again.

Then... .I would recommend not sending that message.  I would focus first on being kind to yourself, sorting out things with you.

Honestly... .number 1 priority... .be kind to yourself.  Do special things each day for you.

Can you remind me again about your support system... .do you have a T... .pastor... .friends you talk to ?  Who is there for you when you need someone to "lean" on?

FF
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Lynn324

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« Reply #43 on: January 09, 2017, 02:45:02 PM »

I have been in therapy, she 65 dollars a week. I ended it with her due too the cost. I was in therapy for PTSD, which was helping.
I am leaning heavy on my aunt and mother at this point. I think frightened was the wrong word.  More like anxious because when I see her it hurts. To be completely honest I thought she'd text by now.  She is extremely stubborn. I'm sitting here thinking what in her eyes did I do so wrong? I feel I've done nothing. There is a billion diferent scenerios here that play out.

My thought this morning was Id write a letter and return her things and be done when shes atvwork. So much of me thinks Im abandoning her and everyone seems to abandon them because they can't handle them. But even though you have this disorder, doesnt mean I wouldnt walk thru it with you. But I feel being strung along, used and hurt.  I guess I expect her to feel thecway I feel and thats just not possible. 

Hurting and all my support people say is shes insane move on. Shes put you thru hell, time to get yourself back. They are right, but at the same time... .They can't imagine the grief. Thank you FF, ducks and everyone for your support!
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Lynn324

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« Reply #44 on: January 09, 2017, 04:02:18 PM »

I just got a text... .saying this

K:Did you have a fun weekend? Haven't heard from you, hope everythings ok.



I have not responded because I m teying to calm myself/center myself. Im really not sure what to Did you have a fun weekend? Haven't heard from you, hope everythings ok.
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« Reply #45 on: January 09, 2017, 11:09:31 PM »


If you want to respond... .I would suggest waiting until sometime tomorrow... when you feel better about it.

I would suggest a simple, neutral response.  With your feelings a bit on edge... .not the time to be debating and talking about deep things via text... or other means.

Can you put this in your own words.

"The weekend was fine.  I hope things are well with you also."

if she tries to engage you in various subjects

"I'm a bit preoccupied at the moment.  Perhaps on Wed (or other day a few days away) I will have some time to focus appropriately on a conversation with you."

Look at my proposed answers... .they are pretty bland.  That's intentional.

They are also honest... authentic. 

They are a way of gaining space and perspective until you are more settled to have a conversation.

FF

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babyducks
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« Reply #46 on: January 10, 2017, 04:41:54 AM »

I have not responded because I m teying to calm myself/center myself.

Good work on trying to calm and center yourself.

It's okay to not know what to do.   This is a complicated and complex relationship that is stirring issues on both sides.   There is a lot to figure out.    That is why we have a deciding board.

I am going to pull you back to the "choosing a path" side bar on the right hand side of the screen.

Look at steps 4 and 5.    Embrace the realities of BPD.  She may indeed have the traits of a disorder.   None of us here can diagnosis but something appears to be going on.   Even with help the disorder is tough to manage.    You probably noticed from your own experience that therapy helped but wasn't a magic cure.    BPD is a complex disorder. There are many manifestations of it. There are many degrees of illness.    It's not recommend to try and cure or fix another person.   Experience has shown that almost always back fires.

And then Step 5.    What can you honestly expect from this relationship?  How much are you prepared to give?      What about your needs?   How do you take care of yourself first?    This relationship has affected you deeply.  Why?    As FF said "less reactivity and more introspection."

hope this helps
'ducks
 

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Lynn324

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« Reply #47 on: January 10, 2017, 10:13:30 PM »

Thank you all, especially Ducks and FF!
 What I endured over the past 4-5 days has been down right difficult.   I see now how I myself need help.
I asked her if I cd come over last night. Her reply was " sure."  I get over there and we non chanlantly talk. She finally says "you didnt text me all weekend". I scoughed and let it go.  Then a lil while later... .I brought it up.  This is how it went down.

" How are you gonna start some BS right when you know Im going to bed.  I brought the texting up an hr ago so we cd get that out of the way.  I knew you were coming over here to start BS." 
I said "I came over to talk about it yes." Shes like well TALK THEN, and turns the TV on.  Shes like look Ladyface, Im gonna ask you to leave cause I have to get to bed". It was 9:30pm.  So I asked why she didnt text, she then said why didnt you text me?  I told her I didnt want to be tested anymore, as the last time we went 2 days of no texting you said I just barely passed your test, to which I had no idea I was being tested. She actually said... .Oh yeah ibremember that and laughed. She even laughed when I told her how it hurt my feelings.  She completely didnt own anything. I said I want to spend more time doing things together. Shes like we do... .And actually I have two tickets for a bus trip to a casino on the 21st.  Then shows me a military shirt she bought cuz she thought of me. I thought that was nice.  Tells me will be extra busy the next 12 weeks as shes foing this weight loss challenge. Im like thinking, more time away from each other... .Typical!   
The point here is shes not AT ALL ready to grow up snd own responsibilty for snything. She wont take her meds wd rather sell them for extra cash. 
I stayed over and she keeps assuming what im thinking. " like i lay down and wonder why there is always an extra cover on the top sheet, i just always wanted to know.  She says " cuz its for all the girls I be *blanking*!  I say pssssh and blow it off, cuz it's not funny.  I dont know why she gets so vulgar like this. She assumes what Im thinking A LOT! And 90% of these assimptions of what Im supposedly thinking always have something to do with me thinking shes cheating. I dont get that... .I dont act jealous around her and she does a ton of questionable things that I dont pry into, because I respect that she wouldnt do that as I told her before.  Ive never cheated on anyone... .Ever... .and Ive told her that so manybtimes.  She has been cheated on, but only after she cheated first. 
I feel that yes at this point I may be more ready to end this now then I was.  The mind games, the control has literally made me ill.  She already said oh BTW the casino trip is a no go, Ill explain later she says.  Yet another plan dropped. 
I deserve more and more respect!  I do love her, but love doesnt hurt like  and blame like this. 
Im highly anxious of having to end ithis. She treats her dog bettee thrn me.

Thoughts?
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