After a year of significant ups and downs, I am out of gas. I am just not sure if I can keep going at the pace we've been going without it impacting my health, my relationship with DH, my relationship with SS22 or all of the above.
Here are a few 2016 highlights:
* DH got sole guardianship of SS22, who has special needs, after a lengthy legal process.
. But getting to this involved weeks of prep, L meetings and sorting hundreds of emails. And we spent hours in a hearing listening to uBPD call SS22 “mentally retarded” and struggle to explain her twisted thinking.
* Shortly after the court decision, uBPD moved away telling SS22 she was moving for a couple years to help out her "dying" parents and because she needed a job. She said she was sad because she "lost" and no longer felt that she was SS22's mother. Then she moved back telling SS22 her parents are fine and she doesn't need money.
* Within weeks of her return, she filed a formal complaint against DH with the guardianship office, mostly using the same stuff she used in court. The office investigated and after 6 or 7 weeks gave a report saying the complaint was unfounded.
* SS24 (an addict) wrote a horrible letter slamming DH to give to his mother as support for her court filing. Within days after the hearing, SS24 said he wanted to connect with DH again, but didn't really want to talk about the letter (or awful one he wrote last year). DH suggested SS24 see a T and then the two of them would talk it out with the T. SS24 agreed but he stopped going saying it was too hard. He got accepted into college in the fall, but was ill prepared (he has few coping mechanisms for stress, other than drug use) so relapsed and pulled out. uBPD took him in. SS24 wrote several more horrible texts, including one denouncing DH as his father. SS24 and his mother's toxic co-dependent relationship continues.
* uBPD sent DH emails saying he needs to confess that he is the source of all SS24's issues and that he needs to pay for SS24's living expenses since she isn't working. DH didn't respond.
* Once DH was granted guardianship, things have been going well for SS22. He got a new job that he likes, got a girlfriend, ran his first half marathon, went on a great guys trip with his Dad, etc. etc.
He also drank too much at a bar, lied about it and other things, continues to inform his mother of everything at our house, etc. He is struggling with wanting his independence but not being able to manage a bunch of things without help. Last night he said he wants to live with us forever because being mature is too hard.
* uBPD berated SS26 for supporting DH in his guardianship application (the judge commented on SS26's respectful letter than said nothing about his mother.) When his mom blamed him for all that was wrong in her life, SS26 decided to go LC with his Mom (NC at first, now occasional contact). He's had good support from his GF. He also got accepted in law school in another city and started last fall.
UBPD emailed SS26 the minute he arrived in town for the holidays (likely asked SS22 for the time), laying on the guilt. He hung in through the holidays, but the memory of past Christmases and the FOG from his Mom made it a difficult time.
* SS22 lives with us basically full-time now. uBPD decided she didn't want him living with her after the court decision. It's great for him -- more consistency, strong support from DH and me, encouragement to do the things he likes, etc.
But it makes it difficult on DH and me. We have to work hard to find time for just us. SS22 is a lovely young man, but requires a lot of energy and support.
* Both SS22 and DH suffer from anxiety. DH had several panic attacks last year. SS22 breaks down crying a couple times a month with some crisis or issue. All the boys likely suffer some PTSD from years with uBPD. All of them need lots of validation, and I am the one DH and SS22 turn to most often for validation. It can be very draining.
There is more, but you get the idea of the highs and lows. We have good boundaries set up with uBPD. We have T support for SS22. I look after myself -- healthy eating, exercise, mindfulness, getting out in nature -- which helps. I have some support from family and friends but know they get tired (and sometimes shocked) by my stories. Even with all the help, I'm feeling as though my tank is on empty.
Any ideas of what I can do? (Besides whine to all of you or run away to the circus?)
