School cancelled and BPDxw has already "appointments" set up for kids

[soundofmusicgirl]

It is 4am right now where BPDxw lives. DH sent her an email 2 hours ago (we live in a different time zone) after receiving a notification from SS´s school that school will be cancelled for today and asked wether he can have his skype call (which is scheduled for later today) during the morning as obviously the kids will be out of school.

BPDxw replies: we can`t. We allready have appointments set up and road conditions are bad so we might not even make it in time for the scheduled calll in the afternoon.

Hm... the school sent out the message that school is cancelled only a few hours ago (middle of the night BPDxws time). So how come she already has appointments set up for a time the kids are supposed to be in school?

[Panda39]

She's a lier... .lier... .pants on fire    I know it, you know it, we all know it. 

Just let it go and know that she will never be flexible, she will always try to obstruct... .just do the call at the usual court ordered time.  Your DH should always follow the court order, always show up when he is supposed to , always exercise or attempt to exercise his rights as a parent and document when she is in contempt.  If she is anything like my SO's uBPDxw she will not change (unless forced by the court).

My SO's uBPDxw seems to be in some kind of feedback loop it's been the same lies for the last 6 years.  She just can't stop herself it's all about doing and saying what she thinks she has to so no one will abandon her.  Your DH's ex is doing the same thing she's trying to keep her kids from abandoning her.  In the black and white thinking world of BPD if her kids love their dad that means they don't love her, she can't see that the kids can love both of them.

Just ignore this kind of stuff and go on with your day.

Panda39 

[soundofmusicgirl]

ha ha yes Panda

There is no real court order about what time the call is supposed to happen. BPDxw has managed to push it back to 11:15pm our time. So DH stays up until midnight on these days (and then she is always late getting online). So that is why he is trying to have the call earlier when school is out (school break) or instances like this.

It`s also the first call after SS`s visit with us last week. That call is usually always cut short or altered by BPDxw. Its a pattern we have gotten used to already.

We also found out that she is working today (teaching a class for 1 hr) (she says she has an appointment... .don´t ask me why she can´t just come out and say: i am working today and the kids will be with a friend during that time. )

I agree she will never change. It just would be nice to be able to go to bed before midnight

[DreamGirl]

Yeah... .

When the kids were little and a "favor" was asked, even when it benefited everyone involved, the expectation was pretty low of there being accommodation.

For the pwBPD in my life, I think it feels good to say "no". That's empowering and she feels pretty powerless most of the time.

I've found value in not letting her usurp this kind of empowerment by 1.) Not asking for accomodations and 2.) Not reacting when she feels she needs to prove her power. As long as the kids were fine and she wasn't too out in left field --- I usually just chalked it up to her having a moment.

Your stepkids' mom is probably still reeling over all the drama she caused with the holidays.

When my stepkids' mom is reeling, I try to become relatively boring. I don't engage, I don't react, and I don't put out any targets for her to jump on.

Your husband is a rock star for making sure he talks to his kids on a regular basis no matter the obstacles mom wants to put in your way. My husband was crafty when it came to the same situation with his ex. He was scheduled to talk to them every single day and she would do everything imaginable to impede that phone call. So he just walked into the daycare with the court order and asked if he could call the girls every morning at a scheduled time to help reduce the conflict it was causing. They accommodated him completely.  

[catclaw]

"Having an appointment" just sounds more important. For having an appointment, she has to make an effort and be in charge an care and i guess that's why she says this in such a weird way to prove she is a good mom and does said things.

We had a similar situation: DH wanted to call SS at a time they had scheduled and when he called, se didn't pick up and texted back "SS just started his helf hour of pc game time" (it's a rule we have in our home that got reinforced by his school and therapist so she pretends she pretends to cooperate - we know for a fact he spends several hours a day at pc and cosole at her home) - why didn't she just take the call and let ss play his "half-hour" afterwards? Because she wanted to make sure we get an impression of how good of a mother she is to stick to the rules.
The other day she couldn't answer the phone because SS was outside and will call back as soon he's back in the house. Imagination: SS is playing outside with other kids. Reality: SS was grocery shopping with BPDm's boyfriend and the baby while she had some me-time during our scheduled phone time.
Yet another example - she didn't answer the phone ans texted "we're doing an outdoor activity. Ss will call you back". Imagination: she and ss were doing a bike tour, a walk in the woods or whatever. Reality: BPDm and her bf were doing an outdoor activity while SS was babysat by his ex-foster family. Guess what he did? Playing video games.

What i mean is that they might be trying so hard to establish a picture of a caring mother that they use weird  wording to make a poor attempt of proof. We know that it's not true, but the very core of it IS true (your ss have an appointment with a friend, while their mother has an appointment at work - so, this is not a lie, but it's poorly worded and sounds more spectacular than it is. My ss was outdoors - but not in a way any other person would imagine when you say "the kids is outdoors". It's hard to explain, but i think you understand what i mean.