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Author Topic: Daughter moved back home  (Read 410 times)
Yoga

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 3


« on: January 06, 2017, 02:18:32 PM »

Hello,
   
My Daughter is 23 and living at home.
Here is the story... .
Always new their was something unique about her, as a child I made sure... .actually I had no choice  but to kindly with empathetic ears ( she knew if I was not being sincere )listened to her talk about daily life... .everything thing was dramatic to the point she could not function or be happy until she shared her feelings.  Anger was a strong emotion of hers,  when she was little I could always bring her around... .not so much as an adult... .

   

 But she was exhausting to family and friends.  I slept a lot when she was not home,I was a stay at home mom thank god.

High School same thing... .but when she broke up with her first boy friend and mostly slept through the summer and was emotionally unpredictable...   She started to pick at her face( i didn't know at the time what this meant) she did not have acne  but when she was mad  she would come down stair with red scars from picking her face I knew I had to do something.

 Doctor prescribed zolft.   She came to me 1 week later crying asking why I did not  take her to the Doctor to put her on medicine sooner... .  she was mad... .that there was a way for her to get relief from her pain and I didn't do anything about it till then.   I did not take it personally ( I have read lots of self help books)   I let it go, just happy she felt better.  She did get some therapy... .temporary fix... .They said she had anxiety issues.

  Her mood swings calmed down a little but there was still something  she had a edge.  High School was hard mostly socially... .grades were good but she put so much pressure on herself when studying... .took her twice as long as it should to study and finish anything... but when she did it was perfectly done.   

College took a toll, social nightmare... .always fighting with someone her  dorm room mates moved out... She blamed them... .  Had a lot more anger in her soul.

Academically she was struggling in her eyes because she just could not get it all done.  I have ADD was not sure if she had it but was worth a try getting her tested because if she did have ADD the University would decrease her home work... .   She was so thankful that I found this program and was hoping to have some relief in someway ... .well she was tested and she does not have ADD...   she was mad at me and told me never to label her again... .and take time away from studies.  Wanted me to leave her alone... ( until the next time she crashed emotionally)

It was up and down all 4 years... .  I just kept reading self help books trying to make life easier on her... .calling her with a supportive happy  voice bring her groceries... .  it would all be good for about 5 minutes... .

Senior year  my son called ( also went to the same university)  He said lexi threatened to kill herself  in  a rage.   I got on online again searching for answers... .found a personality test... .answered question as if I was my daughter... answer possible BPD... .I had never heard of it.

I searched for a therapist who delated with BPD.   I went to see her ( as I did before with other therapists to make sure they were kind honest people that I could trust with helping her)  Told her everything I was concerned with and need help.

 I called my daughter  I could hear she had so much pain in her voice I knew she wanted help.  Told her I thought she could use some counseling  or a life coach ( she hated the word therapist).   She said YES!

 Things were good for a few weeks... .She did tell me that the therapist said she did not have BPD... .just anxiety.  I asked if she was truthful  when talking with her therapist... ( her temper and getting violent with her boyfriend when fighting)  She did not share this information.  She stopped going. 

Again she told me to stop labeling her leave her alone.

Graduation she was going to move to Florida with her boyfriend.  I knew this was not a healthy decision.   ( her boyfriend was afraid of her and need help but didn't know what to do)   She studied African Dance in School and there was a trip that summer.  We paid for the trip stating it was a graduation gift and when she gets back she can move to Florida.  I knew this trip would change her life.  It did, she came back broke up with her boyfriend moved in with us.   Her BPD got worse... .all she wanted to do is go back to Africa,  get away from this society, our life style, america made no sense to her.  So she slept during the day and bartended at night for 6 months... .earned enough money to travel.

  During those months I did share with her articles on BPD... she read them told me that was how how she felt inside, cried.   But then would get angry and just want to run away  did not want help.   

She did travel to Panama on a work away program for 4 months then went to Costa Rica for 4 month  did  not have a job... boyfriend and  surfing.  She ran out of her zoloft and told me she didn't want to go back on it... wanted to heal herself naturally.

She was running  out of money and we  could tell she was not in  a good place emotionally worried about her safety.  We bought her a ticket... .  she has been home for 3 months.  Her BPD is probably at its worst.  Which I had a feeling would happen  after reading and reading so many article on BPD so my husband and I could get a picture of what might happen when she moved home.  Well it helped a little  but we are struggling... . 

Being off zoloft her emotions are raging from one minute to the next... .We are walking a egg shells at all times... .I have to read daily about  BPD just as therapy for myself so I can get through. I am only human and I am not a protectional therapist .

 I can only stand so much disrespect even though I know she does not want to be treating us this way.   It is almost impossible to have a conversation  even when were are on our game... .
  LEAP ( Listen Empathy Adapt  Partner) 
 yes I know she can't  help it... .all the word I have read about how her brain works are running through my head at the time but sometimes i am  overloaded and can't take it... .So I walk away... .tell her I am not abandoning  her which I know is important because she always feels she is being abandoned.  But I have to take care of myself I truly feel she sucks all the life out of me and I have to save myself physically by leaving the room.  which I read is important.   Well this enrages her... .I told her I will walk away when she is being too intense.  ( a tool right?)    Well she told me when I walk away she goes into a predator state and I am the pray.    She scares me sometime.   

So on a good note... .  She discovered Yoga on her travels... .  It is the only thing that brings her comfort.  She wants to be a kind happy functioning person and  is determined to be this way  but not through  western medicine, she wants to be a Yoga Teacher.

 We totally support this, and offered to pay for schooling anywhere she wants.  She is looking at India or Bali.    We live in a town that has some of the best Yoga teachers and school in the country.  But she hates the cold and really dislikes America right now.  Which is fine  she is young and opinionated she will mature years down the  road... .LOL... .

   I did find a fantastic  Yoga teacher and paid for a month of yoga and private studies with her.  This teacher does offer  Yoga teacher training but it takes 6 months.   My daughter loves this teacher they have an incredible connection.  But my daughter does not want to live here or with us at home.   She want to go to an ashram. 

She researches for hours every day... .its going on 3 months... .she can't make a decision...   she spends so much time in her head  which is not giving her any positive thoughts ... .  she can only think about what bad could happen with any  decision.  When we ask how thing are going   she gets defensive and can be very disrespectful... .

This get very tricky for me... .I am trying so hard to be understand supportive... .    but  she is living at home... .  will not get a job... .(I did get her babysitting  so I can have a few hours to myself which made her mad but I had to do something)

  She  does not pay for anything or offer ... .does not help out around the house,  She actually wants to be taken care of  like a child  like it is our fault she is in this situation we crated her so it is up to us to deal with it.

She did tell me that she is done apologizing or writing notes for forgiveness, Also she is done  doing thing to get our love or approval. 
She said she has come to realizes she is a good person and needs to stop feeling guilty for things she has does or have to earn respect and love.   

She sits and journals all day.  She wants to talk  and share her feelings all the time  but it is the same thing... .like she is playing a record and can't change it... I realize this but it gets really hard... .and we can't tell her how we feel or she rages... .  She is so self absorbed to a point it is so unhealthy... .  she is trying to move forward but just can't... .she is frozen in fear and anger... .But she won't ask for help and does not want to get help  she thinks it will all work out but we have to wait... .

 Her Yoga teacher said she needs to go through these road blocks or energy blocks in her life right now  don't try to change anything... feel the emotions... .and wait... the time will come the answers will come just stop looking and trying so hard... .But the egg shells are getting too deep in our house... . 

We all know she needs professional  help... .   she is an adult and we can't force her and she told us she will not go she knows what is best for her... .

  So we  offer  our support  for her to go travel and find herself,  hoping she will grow heal and find her tribe and place of comfort.  Maybe this life style can heal her  BPD... .give her tools to live a life she is seeking... .

   BUT... .She  is frozen won't or can't  make a decisions and everyday she is slipping into deeper despair and  deeper pain deeper anger... .
 


   


 
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Lollypop
********
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 1353



« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2017, 03:33:05 AM »

Hi there Yoga

First of all welcome to the forum. I can feel your frustration as you try and navigate your way with your daughter. I understand just how hard it is to have your adult child live at home, particularly when they're lost without a purpose.

My BPDs26 returned home (again) dec15 following a crisis. He's always wanted to travel and, like you, have provided the means to get him what he wants. We felt that the experiences of being away would do him good, we also needed the break. My BPDs sounds similar to your daughter as he too feels he's in the wrong place. You're approach to help your daughter is also similar to our old way of doing things. We just so wanted him to be happy.

My BPDs just wouldn't take responsibility for himself. I accept that I had a role to play in this.

We are all different and our own situations unique so when I share I'm talking about me, not you. As you've taken so much time to fully explain I'll try and respond the best I can.

My BPDs26 works casually doing a job outside that he can manage. He has bought a car, paid for insurance, joined us on a family vacation, saved and paid for a short training course he needs for work in advance. He's turned his life around. He has a GF. He smokes weed every day to self medicate and is not seeking treatment. He pays me weekly rent, a nominal amount that I will increase at the right point. He is functioning and learning financial management skills with his payments. He got dx at 24 and doesn't rage but internalises.

Compared to the previous 10 years he's finally finding his own way forward.

How?

When my bods26 came home broken I didn't tell him we would help him. How could we help any more when everything we'd ever done had just made things worse?  All I said was "I've no idea what the future holds but I can tell you that I've changed. Things are going to be different". I knew I had to do the one thing I'd never done - that was change MY approach, not try and change his.

I stopped doing the things he needed to do for himself.

I realised that every time I did something for him, I was silently demonstrating to him that I didn't think he was capable.

Instead of focussing on everything he should be doing, I started to focus on the things I should be doing.

I got to work on reading about BPD, validation skills and got active in this forum. I committed to MY own priorities. There were three:

1: create a supportive loving environment
2: improve my relationship with my BPD
3: get him to learn financial mgt skills so he can live independently

I created a loving and supportive environment in my home for us all. It didn't have balance, way too much focus on him and his problems. I got light and happy in the way I interacted with everybody. Never had a heavy conversation, I just let us all have space to breathe. Basically, I created my BPDs with a place he knew he could be safe in, one without pressure or judgement.

I NEVER criticised or asked questions about anything relating to him.  I talked about everything else, anything else. My BPDs slowly started to respond positively.

I stopped giving my BPDs any money. He's an adult and it's his problem to find a way to earn money. It took him a month to find one days work so he could buy some tobacco. He asked me to drive him and I said "yeah, that's so great. Of course I will".  I drove him for 6 months to and from work. I did not buy him a car which would have been far easier. The time in the car further cemented our relationship as we chatted and shared.

I see that I delayed my BPDs growth by doing things for him. For him to behave like an adult, he needs to be treated like one. But this is done in a loving and supportive way.

I used to constantly judge or criticise. He just couldn't do anything right. I created an environment where it was wrong to fail. I loved him so and wanted the best for him. I wanted him to be happy and I saw it as my job to make that happen. That's not healthy.

My job is to be the parent he needs, not the one I thought I should be. We all make mistakes, that's how we learn.

This forum has been my life saver.

My BPDs life isn't the one I'd hoped for. But it's his life and he makes his own choices and decisions and goes at his own speed with me walking beside him giving him a little nudge now and then.

Baby steps.

Take care and I hope I've helped you
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     I did my best. He told me I wasn’t good enough. White
Yoga

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 3


« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2017, 10:58:41 AM »

Hi there Yoga

First of all welcome to the forum. I can feel your frustration as you try and navigate your way with your daughter. I understand just how hard it is to have your adult child live at home, particularly when they're lost without a purpose.

My BPDs26 returned home (again) dec15 following a crisis. He's always wanted to travel and, like you, have provided the means to get him what he wants. We felt that the experiences of being away would do him good, we also needed the break. My BPDs sounds similar to your daughter as he too feels he's in the wrong place. You're approach to help your daughter is also similar to our old way of doing things. We just so wanted him to be happy.

My BPDs just wouldn't take responsibility for himself. I accept that I had a role to play in this.

We are all different and our own situations unique so when I share I'm talking about me, not you. As you've taken so much time to fully explain I'll try and respond the best I can.

My BPDs26 works casually doing a job outside that he can manage. He has bought a car, paid for insurance, joined us on a family vacation, saved and paid for a short training course he needs for work in advance. He's turned his life around. He has a GF. He smokes weed every day to self medicate and is not seeking treatment. He pays me weekly rent, a nominal amount that I will increase at the right point. He is functioning and learning financial management skills with his payments. He got dx at 24 and doesn't rage but internalises.

Compared to the previous 10 years he's finally finding his own way forward.

How?

When my bods26 came home broken I didn't tell him we would help him. How could we help any more when everything we'd ever done had just made things worse?  All I said was "I've no idea what the future holds but I can tell you that I've changed. Things are going to be different". I knew I had to do the one thing I'd never done - that was change MY approach, not try and change his.

I stopped doing the things he needed to do for himself.

I realised that every time I did something for him, I was silently demonstrating to him that I didn't think he was capable.

Instead of focussing on everything he should be doing, I started to focus on the things I should be doing.

I got to work on reading about BPD, validation skills and got active in this forum. I committed to MY own priorities. There were three:

1: create a supportive loving environment
2: improve my relationship with my BPD
3: get him to learn financial mgt skills so he can live independently

I created a loving and supportive environment in my home for us all. It didn't have balance, way too much focus on him and his problems. I got light and happy in the way I interacted with everybody. Never had a heavy conversation, I just let us all have space to breathe. Basically, I created my BPDs with a place he knew he could be safe in, one without pressure or judgement.

I NEVER criticised or asked questions about anything relating to him.  I talked about everything else, anything else. My BPDs slowly started to respond positively.

I stopped giving my BPDs any money. He's an adult and it's his problem to find a way to earn money. It took him a month to find one days work so he could buy some tobacco. He asked me to drive him and I said "yeah, that's so great. Of course I will".  I drove him for 6 months to and from work. I did not buy him a car which would have been far easier. The time in the car further cemented our relationship as we chatted and shared.

I see that I delayed my BPDs growth by doing things for him. For him to behave like an adult, he needs to be treated like one. But this is done in a loving and supportive way.

I used to constantly judge or criticise. He just couldn't do anything right. I created an environment where it was wrong to fail. I loved him so and wanted the best for him. I wanted him to be happy and I saw it as my job to make that happen. That's not healthy.

My job is to be the parent he needs, not the one I thought I should be. We all make mistakes, that's how we learn.

This forum has been my life saver.

My BPDs life isn't the one I'd hoped for. But it's his life and he makes his own choices and decisions and goes at his own speed with me walking beside him giving him a little nudge now and then.

Baby steps.

Take care and I hope I've helped you
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Yoga

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 3


« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2017, 11:00:14 AM »

Thank you Lollypop... .
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