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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: New Here - Help- How do you stay sane and be an anchor for a BPD person?  (Read 751 times)
Kyanite

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« on: January 07, 2017, 08:00:01 PM »

Hi-

I'm a mother of 2 teens and my husband/their Dad seems to at least have traits of BPD.

I am not certain that my husband has BPD, but some of the characteristics seem to fit. I thought maybe it was just codependency on both our parts (I know I have been codependent and I am trying to stop), but it seems to be more on his part. I do know for certain that the negativity, rants/rages/silent treatment, and being right about everything alternating with sane moments of understanding, desire to change (though he always wants to change me, too), and sometimes even empathy are making me crazy. I am tired of having holidays and vacations ruined, and of needing to explain to my kids why Dad is angry this time and refusing to talk to them. I am especially tired of needing to do this when my kids are basically just being teenagers. I am tired of seeing my kids withdraw and refuse to go out with friends because our family dynamic has created such stress and depression in them. I am tired of feeling like the progress I try to make on myself is sabotaged.

And yet, I know my husband has a good heart and is just so severely injured. I don't want to add to his abandonment and distrusting-all-of-humanity-issues, but I don't know if I can help him while getting to a good space with myself and helping our kids grow.

I also need some community of people who understand. I feel like I can't really tell anyone about the situation. People don't understand the amount of energy it takes to deal with the family issues. i don't see many friends in RL, as I progressively isolated myself after tiring of trying to run interference between him (and his poor social skills) and my friends at "family" gatherings, or listening to him complain about how horrible everyone is all the time.

I hope this is the right place for me to get some support and a few answers, as I am in dire need of them so I can at least support my kids.

Thanks... .
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Larmoyant
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« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2017, 11:16:38 PM »

 Hi Kyanite, I’m sorry for the circumstances, but welcome to BPD Family . You have found a great place for understanding and support. The behaviours you describe are so very familiar and the inconsistency 'is' crazy making. It’s hard reconciling the good with the bad. I wasn’t married to my ex, but he had three children, two teens, one adult, and all showed signs of stress around him. There were times he couldn’t do enough for them, but each was devalued and given the silent treatment at one time or other. I was suffering and caught up in the BPD chaos myself, but this was hard to see. You’re on the right track in needing to take care of yourself so you can help the kids grow. I’d encourage you to read as much as you can on here and post often. We’re here to help.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2017, 04:18:05 AM »

Hi Kyanite,

Our situations have similarities, with me feeling confused about my H's Jekyll-Hyde behavior and wondering what is causing it. More confusing to me as my mother is severely BPD, and I don't have the "good times" with her that I have with my H. I am her painted black child. My H is a different person, yet has some similar traits.

The issues in our marriage are mostly between the two of us, and I too have had to work on co-dependency. I think co-dependency exists in both pwBPD and their co-dependent partners but I think the way emotions are processed is different between the two- with the pwBPD using projection/denial/blame and the partner being more of an emotional caretaker for others. That's just my lay person observation.

My H is a good hearted person and he is good to the kids. He is the primary wage earner, and I have been mostly a stay at home mom. The main reason for this is that it seemed to be the best arrangement for the family. We both were working, but he had little interest in sharing the duties of the home. Even asking him to do the dishes might end up with him raging at me. Asking him to help with the kids would result in him being resentful. I basically took all of these duties on- first, because I was co-dependent, but later realized it was better for the kids to not have an angry, resentful father ( at me, not them) . Being home with them - I could be a constant parent. When "dad" time was voluntary for him, he was pleasant.

I do get the isolation. My H hates to socialize and so we really have no friends as a couple. But he also felt tied down and wanted the freedom to pursue his own hobbies on his own while I stayed with the kids. My friends became mostly the parents of their friends, but with all my time being focused at home, I had little time to socialize. I have friends who meet with their church women's groups on a weeknight, or take a class, or just get together with the girls once in a while. This seemed impossible for me. Asking my H to take over the school night activities while I am out would not go very well.

Eventually, my H agreed to couples counseling. I was shocked when the counselor focused on me. She told me I was co-dependent but my H didn't get any "label". I was upset because I thought this reinforced him blaming me for the issue in the marriage. But it turned out to be a good thing as she "prescribed" I get out of the house to go to 12 step meetings. Without this, my H would have dug his heels in. He doesn't like it when I am out on my own. The refusal to watch the kids seemed to be smokescreen for a fear that I would meet someone and have an affair. Where this came from, I don't know. He has no reason to suspect me. Although he wouldn't say this, the questioning ( who was there, did you meet anyone) after meetings revealed that. But eventually he got used to it. Now, I do things for myself. He may not like it but I don't fear his reaction.

The key to my own sense of inner peace has been this self care. The kids are older and it is OK to go to a meeting for a little bit, and to do something for myself. I've also done things with friends. I had the opportunity to see a group of old friends. Before, I would have said no. I have some male friends from childhood and I knew this would upset my H. But this was a group meeting- with their wives, family members, children in addition to several female friends of mine and their families. My H was invited too but could not attend because of work. There was no reason for me not to go, so I did. Yes, my H got angry, but I was able to withstand that ( the counselor first made sure that I was not in physical danger when she encouraged me to do things for myself). I also met with a 12 step co-dependency sponsor, and pursued other interests. My family comes first, but I don't walk on eggshells or fear the angry moods. I do think it is important to protect your kids. It looks like they could benefit from some counseling. However, when you take care of yourself, you are modeling this to them too.








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Kyanite

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« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2017, 08:12:07 AM »

Thank you for responding! It helps so much to know that I am not alone, and that maybe, just maybe, I am not the only problem in this relationship. I am trying to find ways to "step out" of the conflict, but it is so hard. (I have read some of the materials, and plan to have my therapist help me practice some of the tools when I see her next).

Recently, DH is in a "lets work on the relationship" mode. This is good in that he is making an effort to be more understanding and show empathy, but bad in that he seems to be putting more effort into working on "us" (which usually means me and my "problems" instead of him. He has spent a bunch of time reading an anxiety book lately, not because he thinks he has any anxiety ("What? I don't have any of that kind of crap.", but because he knows that I struggle with it, and we suspect that our younger son does. Now, if I show any signs of negative self-talk, he will be empathetic for a little while (maybe 5 minutes), then try to push me through the other steps to "recover." My telling him that I will work on it myself has no effect - he wants to make sure I don't "wallow" in the emotion. He is really pushing for me to read the book, too. I am not really interested. I know I struggle with anxiety and have been working on it for 4 years now. But he can't resist riding in to the rescue.

The part that really irritated me was when he was telling me about how I needed to acknowledge that the anxiety used to serve a purpose, but "that was a long time ago and you don't need it now." Ha! My anxiety is triggered multiple times most days by HIM because he behaves so much like my mother. If I try to tell him that some of this comments are hurtful, or that I feel like he is being controlling in certain situations, he gets upset that he can't be himself and has to "walk on eggshells" around me. I am so frustrated.

It helps a lot to have a place to vent some of this frustration - I can't tell him much of anything, though he gets worse if I withdraw too much. It is a balancing act, and I can only do it when I am in a VERY good space -something that has only become at all possible in the last few months.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Kyanite, I’m sorry for the circumstances, but welcome to BPD Family . You have found a great place for understanding and support. The behaviours you describe are so very familiar and the inconsistency 'is' crazy making. It’s hard reconciling the good with the bad. I wasn’t married to my ex, but he had three children, two teens, one adult, and all showed signs of stress around him. There were times he couldn’t do enough for them, but each was devalued and given the silent treatment at one time or other. I was suffering and caught up in the BPD chaos myself, but this was hard to see. You’re on the right track in needing to take care of yourself so you can help the kids grow. I’d encourage you to read as much as you can on here and post often. We’re here to help.
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Kyanite

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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2017, 09:15:13 AM »

Notwendy-

Thank you SO MUCH for posting. It does seem like our situations have a lot of similarities. My mom and DH also have many similar characteristics, but DH seems so much more introspective. My co-dependency developed during childhood while trying to "save" my mother from her own emotional states. Obviously, it never worked, but my perfectionism, co-dependency, and high-functioning anxiety remain to plague me to this day. At least I am finally making progress on them. *sigh*

Over the years, we made a lot of progress with getting rid of the rages through identifying and eliminating DH's food allergies. I am not sure if that will help you at all, but it made an ENORMOUS different for us. DH described it as finally having a "space" before the reaction (most of the time) that let him decide.

I completely understand the "not getting out" thing. Once I stopped needing to stay with my kids at all their activities, I stopped going out much. I am starting to get out more again, but it is hard! It is mostly that I feel like I can't leave "just in case" something happens or someone needs to go somewhere. I don't know why I bother hanging around - the family rarely does anything together at all. DH claims he is supportive of me having friends and going out to pursue interests, but he gets frustrated if I go to anything he *might* be interested in and don't invite him. And when he goes, he usually expects me to stay with him the whole time, which makes it hard to actually talk to anyone because of our habits of personal dynamics. If we manage to talk with people and navigate the event itself ok, then I get to listen to him tell me everything that the event or the people there need to improve. It is exhausting, and takes all the fun out of going anywhere. So it became easier to isolate myself. I *wish* DH wanted to pursue his own interests - then I could at least go to different things at the same time (our kids are teens). DH just watches TV and wants me to have "compelling" things going on that he can join in on.

Thank you for the encouragement on self-care. I am getting a lot better with it, but still need to improve. I feel like I spend a ton of time keeping myself glued together with journaling, meditation, self-hypnosis and whatever. It does help, it just seems like such a time-suck for just staying out of triggered wounded child mode.

Sorry for venting so much. I am still learning to appreciate myself and not care so much about the opinions of others, which makes dealing with his invalidation and judgements still very hard. And, due to worries about being judged, this is all stuff I have really only told my therapist.

Thanks again for listening/reading!

Hi Kyanite,

Our situations have similarities, with me feeling confused about my H's Jekyll-Hyde behavior and wondering what is causing it. More confusing to me as my mother is severely BPD, and I don't have the "good times" with her that I have with my H. I am her painted black child. My H is a different person, yet has some similar traits.

The issues in our marriage are mostly between the two of us, and I too have had to work on co-dependency. I think co-dependency exists in both pwBPD and their co-dependent partners but I think the way emotions are processed is different between the two- with the pwBPD using projection/denial/blame and the partner being more of an emotional caretaker for others. That's just my lay person observation.

My H is a good hearted person and he is good to the kids. He is the primary wage earner, and I have been mostly a stay at home mom. The main reason for this is that it seemed to be the best arrangement for the family. We both were working, but he had little interest in sharing the duties of the home. Even asking him to do the dishes might end up with him raging at me. Asking him to help with the kids would result in him being resentful. I basically took all of these duties on- first, because I was co-dependent, but later realized it was better for the kids to not have an angry, resentful father ( at me, not them) . Being home with them - I could be a constant parent. When "dad" time was voluntary for him, he was pleasant.

I do get the isolation. My H hates to socialize and so we really have no friends as a couple. But he also felt tied down and wanted the freedom to pursue his own hobbies on his own while I stayed with the kids. My friends became mostly the parents of their friends, but with all my time being focused at home, I had little time to socialize. I have friends who meet with their church women's groups on a weeknight, or take a class, or just get together with the girls once in a while. This seemed impossible for me. Asking my H to take over the school night activities while I am out would not go very well.

Eventually, my H agreed to couples counseling. I was shocked when the counselor focused on me. She told me I was co-dependent but my H didn't get any "label". I was upset because I thought this reinforced him blaming me for the issue in the marriage. But it turned out to be a good thing as she "prescribed" I get out of the house to go to 12 step meetings. Without this, my H would have dug his heels in. He doesn't like it when I am out on my own. ... .But eventually he got used to it. Now, I do things for myself. He may not like it but I don't fear his reaction.

The key to my own sense of inner peace has been this self care. The kids are older and it is OK to go to a meeting for a little bit, and to do something for myself. I've also done things with friends. I had the opportunity to see a group of old friends. ... .I also met with a 12 step co-dependency sponsor, and pursued other interests. My family comes first, but I don't walk on eggshells or fear the angry moods. I do think it is important to protect your kids. It looks like they could benefit from some counseling. However, when you take care of yourself, you are modeling this to them too.









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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2017, 09:48:54 AM »

Excerpt
i don't see many friends in RL, as I progressively isolated myself after tiring of trying to run interference between him (and his poor social skills) and my friends at "family" gatherings, or listening to him complain about how horrible everyone is all the time.

Hey Kyanite, Welcome!  The isolation you describe is a red flag to m.   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)  I did it, too, so I should know.  The problem is, one runs the risk of losing all perspective by largely limiting contacts to a PwBPD.  In addition, friends and family are a crucial source of support, without which one is susceptible to a collapse, which is not fun, believe me.

LuckyJim

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Kyanite

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« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2017, 06:57:27 AM »

  The problem is, one runs the risk of losing all perspective by largely limiting contacts to a PwBPD.  In addition, friends and family are a crucial source of support, without which one is susceptible to a collapse, which is not fun, believe me.


Thanks for sharing, LuckyJim!

Yeah, I know the isolation is a problem. I have had to get through some extremely trying times with just talking to myself or journaling. I have tried a number of times to overcome it, and have had issues with my own beliefs and codependency getting in the way. Taking classes or going to regularly scheduled Meetup works best, so I have been joining some.


On a somber note, one of the recommended self-tests on this site is showing me at 58% Borderline and 62% Avoidant myself. I had been feeling like I am making positive progress, but I am having a hard time accepting my own possible BPD traits that I thought I had gotten rid of.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2017, 08:03:33 AM »

We can work on our own issues and traits, but also on self acceptance. We were raised by our parents and it makes sense we would acquire some traits. But we also have good traits that we acquired as well. We don't need to feel shame for who we are.

Yes, getting out is hard. I also feel the pull to stick around just in case I am needed. It also makes my H feel secure. He is content to go off by himself in the house- doing his own thing, but if I leave, gets anxious- even if there is nobody in the home who needs me right then or can't manage if I leave for a short while.

Socializing takes a lot of energy, but doing things for me- going to group meetings - something like that is a part of self care for me.
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« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2017, 01:29:56 PM »

Kyanite,  when you see those percentages, those labels. It's only pieces of you at best.  Think of how many times in life you have taken steps and then once in awhile your foot takes it upon itself to sprain your ankle for you. Because of one small pebble we just didn't see.

We all have traits of these behaviors, every single one of us.  :)ont feel like it's a wound you can't heal or a failing in yourself.  You can't simply tape up your ankle and ignore it.  Many times on here you will see people saying "be good to yourself".  Personally, I'm the kind of person who won't even tape up his ankle, and wear the pain as a badge of courage.  And that simply doesn't work.

You are taking steps and being honest, and foremost reaching out.
Thank you for sharing.
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Kyanite

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« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2017, 08:19:50 PM »

Thank you, Notwendy and Ynwa!

I am still trying to sort out my own codependendy, so I know I try to "fix" things too often or save DH from himself. The biggest thing is just that I am so drained emotionally. I go back and forth on whether or not it is better to stay or go, mostly for the sake of the kids.

Seeing the percentages made it seem like a failed mission, but you are right, ywna. My therapist said the same thing today - we all have some of those traits, but that doesn't equal a personality disorder. I copied so much from my parents, and DHtries to tell me I "don't need those patterns anymore" because i am no longer around my parents' damaging behaviors. It doesn't seem to sink in with him that I *AM* still around such behaviors - his. His aren't as bad in many ways (my mom would be screaming about something before I even left for school most mornings and DH rarely yells), but they are stil there.

Ironically, socializing without DH is energizing for me. I love people. I just need to get over my stuff enough to get out and do things.

So here's a rough plan for now-
  • Go to a social function without DH twice a week when possible, one of those can be a class.
  • Study more of the great tools on this site, and pick 1 a week to really implement
  • Continue to study and work on my own codependent behaviors
  • Call or text with a friend 1 additional time per week

That might sound a bit pathetic, but it is a big step for me. I also work from home, so sometimes I go for days without seeing anyone outside the family. Not exactly great for getting input from places othe than my pwBPD/NPD.

Thanks again for being here!
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ynwa
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« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2017, 09:05:48 PM »

First off.  No way pathetic.  Nope.  What you said was Great!

Everything you said was all about you... .  but maybe let yourself go crazy and text/call a couple people EVERYDAY.  make a joke, ask about their day.

Remember nothing is broken, just sprained. 

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Kyanite

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« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2017, 09:40:06 AM »

Thank you, ynwa. I do need encouragement to do things for myself.

I do often find myself wondering if I am the one with the bigger problem. My therapist says I am making a lot of progress, and that DH shows at least moderate traits of NPD (she thinks more NPD than BPD, but since my mom seems like she may have been BPD, I still think being on this board is appropriate), but I so often feel like my responses are the problem. And then I wonder if he is just unreasonable, because I don't feel like I have these issues with anyone outside my family.

An example - Just this morning we were talking about politics, and I shared how I like listening to a specific news network because they often present both sides. He responded with one of those patronizing smiles and something to the effect of, "Really? I wasn't sure if you meant it the last 3 times you said it." (Every 6-12 months I mention how much I like this one particular news source because they present multiple sides). I clammed up, so as not to continue to irk him by repeating more similar statments from months ago. So he gets mad. He didn't yell or anything, but he expressed frustration that I can "razz" him when he repeats himself (he wil sometimes talk for an hour or more about the same topic, saying almost the same things multiple times and expect me to listen and respond like it is completely new, or tell teh same jokes I have heard dozens of times form him and get frustrated when I only chuckle or grin, not laugh as heartily as I did the first time I heard him tell the joke 20 eyars ago) but he feels like any time he mentions anything that I beat myself up and he doesn't know if he will hear about it again in 6 weeks. I was NOT beating myself up. He didn't bother to ask a question and find out how I was feeling, he just assumes.

Another example, also from this morning:
We were talking about work (DH and I both work from home in a business we own, though it is really *his* business.). During the conversation, I remembered an inportant task I need to do and experssed some frustration. He stopped me and started telling me how he thinks my reactins to things are about half of my stress, and that I need to think about it positively instead of getting stressed (he is extremely negative and critical, by the way, though he is trying to work on it). I tried to explain to HIM that the reason I was frustrated was not because I thought of the task earlier than usual, but because I am anxious about how to fit it in to my already very full (and behind) schedule. He then started tinkering with picking things up and talking about something else - his way of stopping the conversation without going completely silent treatment on me. I feel like I am not allowed to feel anything except what he thinks is appropriate at the time.

Yes, I know I have some anxiety - I am working on it, and it is less than it used to be. It would help if he woulod ASK what I am thinking instead of assuming. I know that is too much to ask, though. So I feel like all I can do is go into shut-down mode and try to not respond to him in any way except even-keel. Then he gets frustrated that I am "withdrawn" and not connecting with him.

I see his hurt and the effort he is making, and I think I want to stay and support him as he tries to improve. Then he will get some idea that the best way tp parent our teens (who are also hurting emotionally) is to tell them they are wimps and need to toughen up, and take away all priveleges when they dont do everything on the list he decides on. Then I want to take them out of this environment NOW. At least he sucks at following through on these kinds of controlling ideas.

I am so tired feeling like I have to take so much of my day piecing myself back together, or telling myslef that I am really ok, and his response to me doesn't mean I am a horrible person or wrong or crazy or messed up. It is exhausting. I can't imagine how much time I would have and what I could accomplish if I didn't feel the need to constantly escape from feeling like crap and spend so much time reassuring myself.

Sorry for writing such a book. (another thing that is "wrong" in DH's eyes- I an too long-winded. Even though he is usuallyt  he one that goes on for 90 minutes -sometimes hours-about whatever. ) I guess I need to go find a support group where I can talk this stuff out a bit more.
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