Anybody married less than 5 years?

[michel71]

Hi there. I was wondering if anybody here has been married less than 5 years. If so, how is your divorce going? Or if it is nearly done or done, how bad were you hit for alimony and division of assets, etc.? My marriage of almost 4 years is not considered long ( as the lawyers tell me) but I am still worried about my wife getting more than she is entitled to. She has already devastated me in so many ways, I fear that the final blow will be financial.

[ForeverDad]

My mantra is rather blunt.  If you don't have children together, then don't risk any.  If you already have children together, then don't risk any more.  Birth control is YOUR responsibility, don't be sabotaged.  Children are wonderful blessings but they make a dysfunctional relationship vastly more complicated to unwind.

My marriage was 15 years going in, 18 years coming out.  Somehow my alimony was only 3 years.  I guess my state sees even longer marriages only needing transitional support into post-marriage life.

If she's not currently working then one of your goals is that she needs to get a job.  Or that the time in the divorce process to develop skills for a career or decent job.  But she's an adult, the court likely won't force her to do much.  But still, her post-marriage actions ought to be her problem, not yours.

[scraps66]

My "marriage" lasted 47 months and the divorce took longer.  Most states will not award alimony, other than temporary APL, with marriages this short.  Though I have heard of cases where alimony was given at even short marriages and this would be a red flag that something was done wrong, by a L and a courthouse.   

[michel71]

Thanks FOREVER and SCRAPS. NO kids. Thank God. NO risk of having kids.

Her assets: 0
Her liabilities: one half of the credit card debt.

My assets: retirement savings, pension and appreciation in my separate property house
My liabilities: all of the above to the extent of her community property interest.

I don't expect alimony to be paid to her for the rest of her life. Even temporary spousal support is ridiculous. She makes really good money, not as much as I do, but in no time she will. RN. You know how much bank they can make especially if they work a little on the side. Max at risk is duration for approx 2 years. Amount unknown. That is a dissomaster calculation.

SCRAPS... .why did your divorce last longer than the duration of the marriage? What state do you live in? YIKES.

[scraps66]

PA.  Ex drug her feet.  Equitable distribution was unsuccessful for a 19 month period which totaled THREE conferences where nothing was done/accomplished and the case had to go to trial.  An additional two months of waiting.  Really bad.

[scraps66]

PS I hope you are limiting your liabilities by getting your name off of all of the credit cards if they are joint cards.  Do the same with your bank accounts.  One way of keeping me around was my ex running up the credit card debt.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi Michel-

I was married to him for 16 months.

I earned 2x what he did, I owned the property and I have 401k.

He had zero besides what he was bringing in at about 35k a year.

I paid him to move out, I paid for dissolution and I waited just long enough... because he had someone new in his life and signed off with no further payments from me.

That's the only benefit to waiting to file... then they have time to link romantically and financially to someone else.

It took him four months from moving out of my home to being engaged to another person.

L

[michel71]

Scrappy... ... .My name is off everything but our low value time share ( about 1500) and I co-signed for her student loan. Balance remaining about 4k. Obviously as part of our settlement I would want her off the time share and me off the student loan. I am not really worried about those things. It is my pension, my retirement savings and the appreciation in my home. Those are the big assets.

Love... .I will pay for the dissolution. I was told to strike now while she still has some feelings for me and not wait until she finds somebody else because when she does find somebody else she will have 0 feelings for me and may then go for gold. Remember... .with distance and BPD... .the heart grows COLDER.

Thank you all for your comments.

[ForeverDad]

Your state has standard parameters for community property, etc.  Since you had pre-existing retirement accounts or deeds, your liability may be limited to the contributions or increased account values since the marriage, not the entire amount.  That's a legal issue, get legal advice for that.

Here in peer support we can come up with ideas, perspectives and strategies based upon our experiences, some worked, some didn't.  Our collective experience gives us a fairly good sense of how to get through the process with less unfairness and less damage.

[The Teacher]

I've been married just under four years. She forced me out of my own house by threatening to falsely accuse me of domestic violence and make me lose my job. 30 days later she filed a motion that I had abandoned my home. My lawyer ignored the motion and it was granted by a judge, so I cannot return to it until the divorce is final. Then she filed a motion for me to pay temporary spousal support in the form of me continuing to pay the mortgage and utilities on the house. That was also granted. I made a settlement offer two months ago and it was ignored and is no longer on the table. She insisted on a piece of property we co-own (but which I have made all of the payments on) being appraised. Next week makes five months since I was forced out and I haven't been in front of a judge yet. My guess is she will delay everything as long as possible. Divorce in my state is supposed to get done within a year but some judges just ignore that. I've fired my first attorney and hired a new one. The hardest part for me was doing a search for her name on facebook, seeing photos of her out drinking with friends, and worse - seeing people who I thought were friends "liking" her photos. That made me sick to my stomach. The trick is the not minding all of this crap, and realizing that the peace of mind you get separating from someone with a severe case of BPD is worth the money and the time spent waiting for the courts to work. Good luck.