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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Depressed - Stuck in a Loop  (Read 418 times)
DaddyBear77
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
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« on: January 11, 2017, 06:59:10 AM »

I'm incredibly depressed.

After enduring so many years of this miserable relationship, I am very aware of what I can and cannot expect from my uBPDw. I think I understand well enough the idea that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is one definition of insanity. But night after night after night after night, we have the SAME argument, and after some number of hours I am faced with a simple choice: leave (the room, the house, the marriage), or play my part in the drama and "admit" my transgressions.

Unlike some others on this board, I do not have a firm grounding in religious or similar beliefs, but I often wish for a higher power to show me the way or give me a sign. You know the expression about the straw that breaks the camel's back? Well, my back has been broken hundreds of times. Is last night's argument finally THE one that moves me?

Let's say there is a scoring system by which we measure arguments. Last night was extremely high on the narcissistic rage scale, and moderately high on the condescending scale. It was relatively low on the sleep deprivation scale. I scored a moderate high score on the sarcasm scale, but a very low score on the invalidation scale.

What does all that mean, though? Could I live with things if every argument were relatively low on all the nasty measurements? Or is it just a relief to not be COMPLETELY ripped apart in a particular argument.

And then here's the kicker, where I think the elastic that snaps me back into the relationship really lies: Was I, in fact, an ass in the way I stood up for myself at dinner? Is it a valid logical progression to say that my frustrated, sarcastic attitude after a day with a sleep deprived sick and hungry toddler was the thing that led to HER suffering? Am I responsible for her seething resentment, stored until the moment we both got into bed? Was she justified in her explosive rage because it meant now SHE wouldn't be able to focus at school? Could the dire consequences she describes be real, and because of our argument (which I caused?), she will not learn and most certianly will fail at her presentation?

You may laugh or see sarcasm in what I wrote, but I wish I was kidding. I truly AM wondering if she has a valid point in all of this.

So I will soldier on, and shower away some of this depression, and kick the can down the road another day. I'll go get flowers or some other such thing and play my part one more day. And then I'll come back tomorrow and make the same post.

Maybe at some point I'll get that sign.

DB
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Oncebitten
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2017, 08:58:58 AM »

DB

I know how you feel man, and we are all here for you.  I believe in a higher power and constantly look for signs to soldier on keep the faith that it will all work out in the end.  And honestly been given what I thought were signs... .problem is she isnt willing to change anymore than yours is.
But if you continue the fight... .just know that on a personal note... .Im here for you... .far be it from me to ever tell someone to quit... .just not my nature
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2017, 09:55:33 AM »

Hey DaddyBear77, Rather than endure hours of her diatribes, what if you were to cut things off at the outset by leaving the room after saying something brief about your unwillingness to put up with this type of abusive conversation.  If that doesn't work, you could announce that you are taking a time out and going for a walk outside.  You may find, as I did, that setting boundaries is a first step towards regaining your personal freedom.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
empath
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2017, 10:03:10 AM »

Excerpt
I think I understand well enough the idea that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is one definition of insanity.

What if you did something different? Doing the same thing over and over without different results can also make one depressed.
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ACObound
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« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2017, 11:38:08 AM »

DB, I can totally feel your pain.  I could have written the exact some post that you did, almost word for word.  I am fortunate, that both my kids are now young adults.

I truly AM wondering if she has a valid point in all of this.

I have had this thought in my head a hundred times.  In a joint counseling  session, after a "rage/blaming" argument the counselor(in his Mr. Rogers voice)  looked at her and pointed out that there is merit in what you are saying or what you are asking... .but you have to learn a different way of saying it.  And what your husband is saying and asking has merit but you have to learn a different way of receiving it as you are mostly "shooting holes" through everything he is saying.

So my opinion, I am sure she does have some valid points but you can't receive them when it is laced with all the other "stuff" and yes it is depressing.
There are some people involved in these posts that are far more knowledgeable and experienced on helping than I think I am.  I have been dealing with it for a very large number of years but only "discovered" BPD within the last year.  
But to echo many others, please take care of yourself as you wade through this.   Give yourself a break.

I do not have a firm grounding in religious or similar beliefs, but I often wish for a higher power to show me the way or give me a sign]

I am in the same boat as far as religious or similar beliefs.    May sound corny, but about the only higher power I found is myself.  Cycling is a religious experience for me and gets neglected in dealing with the r/s.  So I am back on a bike and it seems to lower the depression scale.  
Find your call and never give up on  yourself.  It is the only person you have control over.
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ynwa
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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2017, 12:33:09 PM »

hey DB,

That higher power you are asking for help?  It's you. There is nothing else. Religion gives you faith in yourself to move through life and it's challenges. You have an obviously hard challenge, in loving someone who is dealing with something that is to them impossible to comprehend.

Im with you when you say anything and everything you "try" bounces back.  It's simply mind melting.  It's very much like trying to have a conversation with someone from Mongolia about getting back to the interstate. It's not their fault, they don't speak English, or have maybe only seen an interstate in a picture.

But for you? i think you are exhausted and totally committed to making your relationship work.  But what about your relationship with you?  You said "I'm incredibly depressed".  Do you think you can possibly help bring change if you don't work on that First?  Be mindful, smile.  It's ok, you've been through a lot and I admire someone like you being so honest.   You will get through this, and this board can help. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2017, 04:35:05 PM »

Let's say there is a scoring system by which we measure arguments. Last night was extremely high on the narcissistic rage scale, and moderately high on the condescending scale. It was relatively low on the sleep deprivation scale. I scored a moderate high score on the sarcasm scale, but a very low score on the invalidation scale.

What does all that mean, though?

Here is what *I* think that means.

It means time for you to work more on enforcing boundaries to protect yourself.

If those scales are 0-10, when the argument hits 1 or 2 on ANY of them, rage, condescension, sleep deprivation, sarcasm, or invalidation, it is time to leave and remove yourself.

The more consistent you can do this, the better it will be for you, and the better it will be for your marriage.

NOTE: If your wife wants you to come back and talk with her, you do not owe that to her... .unless she is down to ZERO on every one of the scales. It *IS* possible to talk about conflict without attacking the other party.
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michel71
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« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2017, 08:11:49 PM »

Daddy... .your post was my life for nearly three years. I became depressed. Even a tad suicidal. My first step: I prayed and hoped for a message from God that I needed to end this. Something. A sign. Maybe if she did "xyz" then that would be it. My "xyz" was really a small list of boundaries that were never violated like cheating or being mean to my dog. Those were deal breakers. She never cheated and adores my dog. Thank God, especially for the last one. I had no boundaries for the rest of the other dysfunction and I had to start to work on why that was. That was my next step: counseling, getting centered as much as I could, support from friends, taking better care of myself.

Over time the problems just seemed to get worse and not better but I got to the point where it was a 'her or me" scenario. I felt like if I stayed in the same house with her any longer I would die. Like I would have a stroke or heart attack over the stress. I chose me. She moved out three weeks ago.

That was my next step. Getting her to move out. I doubted she would but she did. Now I have peace and tranquility in my home and a place to think. We have no kids of our own so that helped. I know your situation is different but my point is that I had to do it in baby steps. You might need to do that do... .whatever that looks like to you.
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Lostman

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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2017, 01:49:02 PM »

Always remember "you can't push a string".  By participating in her craziness you allow it to continue.  (Don't feel bad we all do it, by nature we want to "fix" the problem)

As for a higher power giving you an answer, here is a joke:

Once there was a great flood and a homeowner was forced to the roof of the home to avoid the raging water.  The home owner prayed fervently for his higher power to save him  A boat appeared with some fire men in it, they offered to wisk him to safety.  The man replied, don't worry I will be saved by a power greater than you.  The man continued to pray. The water rose and the current became swifter.  A little later a second boat with fire men appeared.  They again offered to wisk him to safety.  He again replied  don't worry I will be saved by a power greater than you.  The man continued to pray.  The water rose to the point where only a small portion of the roof was exposed, the man was in a precarious position praying for salvation.  A helicopter appeared and an army office lowered down on a cable and said, "grab hold I will get you out of here", the man replied,don't worry I will be saved by a power greater than you.  The helicopter left.  Finally the water rose to cover the roof and the man was swept to his end.  He awoke in his paradise, he looked up and saw a man that he recognized as his higher power.  He said, Did I die, I prayed I thought you would save me.  His higher power replied, I sent two boats and a helicopter what were you waiting for?

Sometime our higher power gives us an answer, it just isn't the one we expected, or the result we expected.

Stay strong,
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Krato

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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2017, 03:39:38 PM »

I am not religious type either, but on the most difficult moments I find comfort in self help books and eastern philosophy. Something like that might help also you to put things in perspective and hopefully find some tranquility.

It's not easy though. You are being advised to live in the moment, not expect too much, be happy with what you already got, trust that life takes you where you are meant to go and so on. When everything feels so wrong and unjust every single day, how can you not dream about better days and better life? Only way I can see it, is that philosophically her behavior is meant to guide you to the right direction and perhaps teach you something about yourself.

I try to take this as an opportunity to learn. This situation has also awoken a great motivation in me to get in better shape physically and start eating better. Perhaps this change in lifestyle will give me few extra years some day.

I am also advancing in baby steps. Next step is to get marriage agreement. She has already agreed to it but I anticipate she might pull out at last minute. After that I want to see how our life will play out when we both work full time and S1 and S2 are in day care. All other combinations (me working/she home, both home, she working/me home) have failed.

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DaddyBear77
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Relationship status: Divorced
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« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2017, 06:03:36 AM »

Thank you to everyone for the encouragement and sharing your own experiences. I truly appreciate the support.

In the past 48 hours, my wife has had one of her dramatic mood swings and last night things were "good." There was a very brief tense exchange this morning but it was resolved quickly.

The couple of themes I saw here were 1. Boundaries are important and enforcement must be consistent for any real change to take place. 2. Lots of people are in the same spot, and some have decided to stay and some to leave. 3. While i wait for a higher power by looking for grand signs and signals, I might very well be missing what's right in front of me.

I'm still feeling lost, confused, anxious, depressed, scared, and stuck. But I don't feel so alone anymore so thank you for that.

DB
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2017, 04:30:34 PM »

Hey DB, you sound like you were really overwhelmed by how bad things were, and how hard it is to get traction or change anything. We've all been there. 

Did you read this thread?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=304235.0

It is a really simple success story. A small success. Importantly, one that might feel more within your grasp--it is only a couple steps in the right direction from where you are.
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