My first post...

[Princess_jo]

Hi Everyone. Hope this finds you well. I am the mother of a 19 year old son who either has Bipolar 1 or BPD. I dont mean to get right into it, but I feel I must. He has been disruptive, binge using drugs, non compliant and manipulative. On the other hand, at times, he is my son, the wonderful young man I raised. He is helpful, optimistic and even when he is upset, he is honest and tries to keep his feelings under control. The problem is I can't take his "manic" times. They last for a long time and he is always blaming me or some other thing in his life which disrupted life. He has not worked (which is partially on me, his therapist and doctor as we believe he can not hold a job) and instead, encouraged him to find a program to help him through the transition.
He "ran away" three times. The first was for a week which he spend in the woods and did not want to come home. The second was immediately following graduation and he did not return for two months and this time, left without a plan yet again after the arguments about his behavior stated. I don't know how someone can go from college prep in 9th grade to barely graduating, self-medicating with binge abuse, and such hatred. This last fight actually left me afraid of him. He didnt threaten or hit me, but the rage he had was unsettling. He called me after a car accident with his friends last night and asked me to come home. Knowing my son's patters, he is returning to the nice guy again but I told him I can not allow him home unless he is enrolled in some type of mental health program to help him transition. His presence has become a trigger for my stress levels and has caused me anxiety, panic attacks and lack of sleep and motivation. This is the first time I told him he can not come home and the guilt is killing me. Perhaps it was that he called me a liar and told me I left my son on the streets or maybe because he was born this way and its because I know his perception is off and I'm leaving him to the cruel world. Have any of you had this situation and did you find "tough love" work or did it leave them to fall harder. I do know he will act out for not getting his way, but this is making me insane at this point... - J

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there PJ

Welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry you going through this and I know exactly how you're feeling. Binderdundat moment.

You ask a questionthat we all ask ourselves. Do we let them fail?

My BPD is 26 and has a history of drug abuse. It's a common thing, they're in pain and they try to alleviate it. My son didn't get diagnosed until he was 24 so we had a roller coaster of a ride from 15 onwards. I tried everything I could think of to make him change. I screamed, shouted, pleaded, ignored, manipulated, stalked, criticised and judged and everything else too.  I felt that if only he stopped the drugs we could begin to see why he was taking them. I knew we were enabling him but I couldn't throw him out. I was so fearful of what might happen. I just made things worse, my relationship was terrible and we were all just so miserable. I got caught up in his dramas.

Exhausted and with no strength left to cope with his behaviours I manipulated him out of our house to fend for himself. This was pre-dx. He spiralled and after a crisis and a deep depression we saved him again and brought him home.

His diagnosis changed everything. This forum changed our lives. Literally. We are in a much better place now.

I got to work on this forum. See the headings at the top right of this screen; this is the place I started. I learnt as much as I could about BPD.

Because I know what BPD is now I can understand his limitations and challenges. I've learnt a better way to communicate with him and use validation skills. My BPDs has slowly and positively responded to MY change in behaviours. I was either too hard or soft when dealing with him and I'm learning to be assertive but loving.

In this new loving and supportive environment I can see his triggers clearly. Importantly, so can he.  I'm hopeful he'll take full responsibility for himself and seek treatment.

My BPDs didn't want to grow up, he is fearful of it and he resists. He finds normal life challenges difficult. I protected him from them. I now realise I was not allowing his own personal development.

We all learn by our mistakes. I felt my son not strong enough to deal with his. I was wrong. He just needs us by his side not judging him while he makes them.

I encourage you to read as much as you can as your first step. Keep posting.

What support do you have for yourself?

It sounds like your son has some problem solving skills if he was able to get through a couple of months away from home. How does he spend his days?

L

[Princess_jo]

Thank you so much for your reply. Well, normally he doesn't do anything and this is the same no matter where he is. He has no desire to do anything for the future but lives in the now. He is couch hopping with "friends" and just does what he wants. His friends are usually on probation type kids who accept everyone. He has been sexually active and tried some drugs so I'm not really feeling comfortable with him not being home. He has done this before for 2 months and came home when the fun ran out. I'm actually thinking he wants to come home because the car accident he and his friends are in ruined his transportation and now he has no way to go out and have fun.

I do have a wonderful husband (he's not his biological father), best friend and people who help me through this, but I don't think they can understand the bond between a mother and son not to mention, as much as they try, they don't see his behavior as a disease but more of a spoiled kid. To be honest with myself, I think its a matter of both. I don't take blame for many of his actions, but I wish I knew then what I know now. I also see a therapist (who is not that great ) but does bring in some good thoughts. I have my bachelors in psychology and also talk with a professor I know and we have made a wonderful friendship. She was dating someone with BPD and is having such a hard time moving on so we can relate a lot.

I think my biggest fear is his self-harm behavior. He has a terrible temper which takes over him and he hits things, including himself with a hammer. Its very impulsive and he has attempted suicide twice. Luckily, it wasn't serious but horrifying none the less.

I called him today in a moment of weakness (like I said I won't allow him to come home until he goes for mental help) and he said some harsh words that made me feel maybe what I am doing isn't the right thing... .But then, I have to remember even if he came home, he would only be temporarily safe and he will go back to who he was in no time.

I don't think I am explaining myself on here that well since there is so much. His reaction to my discovering his bad behaviors is so off and has no fear or remorse sometimes. He doesn't care if he hurts me emotionally and he places all his value on things which he shouldn't even be around.

I want to say I am so sorry you have been in the same position. You are a very strong woman and I am so glad you created this haven. I am glad to hear you are in a better place and I don't know if you are religious or not, but i hope you don't mind me praying for you and your family that you may continue to have some peace. Thank you again and I hope things stay steady!

[Lollypop]

Hi princess jo

We all have those creeping doubts once we've taken some course of action. That's why I've found that the more I understand about BPD, then the more confident I am in the decisions I take.  I try and stay in the moment and remind myself why I've done something or not. We all can only do our best, but we can all try a little bit harder, I use this phrase all of the time.  I also try and remind myself that my BPDs can't help a lot of his behaviours and I know he feels remorse and deep sadness about the way he is.

I'm really pleased you have somebody to talk to. It's worth it's weight in gold.

Take care of yourself.

L