BPD dad wants to see child during a separation agreement.

[Dontknow88]

 OK so he is very unstable in his personal life , we are going through a separation agreement and so far he has agreed to do supervised visitation And I have sole custody.

So to recap He went through the devaluation stage when I was late in my pregnancy and he broke up with me During a serious breakdown and found someone new also during that time. I've noticed  before but since then he has been extremely suicidal self harming, his personal life is so chaotic. He is a high functioning BPD.

He originally told me that he won't see our child tell the agreement is over. I agreed.
Now he admits that it's taking too long and he wants to see Our son  now but I personally don't want to see him and none of my family members want to supervise (I wouldn't want to put them through that also). The reason why I don't want to see him is because I do fear for my safety giving our last few interactions. For the past year and a half even though we weren't together it has been a non-physical domestic violence situwation. To make a long story short he is and or tries to be extremely abusive towards me.

Would it be wrong of me to ask him to keep the original plan and wait till the agreement is over? then we can take that agreement to one of those child visitation centres.  I don't feel safe to me around him alone.

Please help me could he use this against me if I say no and asked to reschedule for when the agreement is final?

[takingandsending]

Dontknow88,

How is your agreement for supervised visits documented? Likewise, is your agreement for when to start supervised visits documented?

I know that you do want him in your son's life, and rightfully, worry that it could be harmful and possibly dangerous. If you have agreed to supervised visits, what was your thought on how that would be managed? Do you have any friends who have social service or counseling background that would be willing to help with supervised visits? Friends of mine recently went through supervised visits, and we worked with the mom and dad to suggest friends of our who were skilled in working with pwPD. Is that a possibility?

If you cannot find a suitable candidate for supervision, simply tell him that. The agreement was X. I need that time to find a few available, acceptable people to supervise visits. You can use SET to communicate, maybe, "I know that you really want to see S, and it is frustrating for you to wait. But our agreement was X, and I need this time to find people who know S and can help supervise visits." If he becomes angry, maintain your boundary.

This is really hard for you. I am so sorry you are going through this. Hopefully others with more experience will post to give you some other views and ideas. Hang in there and let us know how this goes. Your son's safety and health are top priority. You shouldn't feel guilty about that, ever.

 

[livednlearned]

When you say you are going through a separation agreement, can you say more about who is involved in helping you?

Lawyers? Judge? Mediator?

Is your custody arrangement one that you came up with together, or is it a result of going through the court process?

[takingandsending]

Yikes, Don'tknow.

I meant to say "I know you do NOT want him in your son's life". Sorry about that!

[Dontknow88]

Yikes, Don'tknow.

I meant to say "I know you do NOT want him in your son's life". Sorry about that!

Hello. I DO but giving everything about his instability I think it will be more harmful towards our son and himself.

I don't have anyone qualified in the people that do you want to do it is because they want to curse him out (they are still pretty angry, I'm past the anger and in rightful protection mode)

Thank you for your advice

He thought I was going to do the supervise visits but I told him I didn't feel comfortable doing that and rather a professional to do that (in case if he decides to lose his mind again)


I told him it's best to wait till the agreement is over, because we cannot go to a centre without an agreement. He completely lost it. If anything the most he can do is get an emergency supervise visits by the court and that is totally fine with me. It's sad though at the same time I don't think he would do that he over thinks things, also the agreement is pretty favorable for Just an  access parent. I'm sure he doesn't want to lose that

[Dontknow88]

When you say you are going through a separation agreement, can you say more about who is involved in helping you?

Lawyers? Judge? Mediator?

Is your custody arrangement one that you came up with together, or is it a result of going through the court process?

Hello it's through our lawyers. At the time he passively threatened me not to take him to court, that I should agreed to do mediation. Due to the fact that I know that he is a huge procrastinator I gave them the option of a separation agreement instead. So that's what we are going.

I was a the victim of blackmail. He told me not to mention his mental illnesses to my lawyer  and that the fact we had a relationship of non-physical domestic violence.

I don't know what to blame but I know that my pregnancy hormones were crazy high at the moment. I just wanted the agreement to be over with he agreed to give me full custody. And at the time where my mind was that it was the code to get full custody. Months later I finally told my lawyer because the blackmail was getting too strong my lawyer told me that if I told him that from the beginning we would've went straight to court and I had/have good chance of getting what I want.

[livednlearned]

Can you not respond to him?

Sometimes it's best to let the lawyers do the talking.

You are paying them to buffer some of the conflict.

[Dontknow88]

Can you not respond to him?

Sometimes it's best to let the lawyers do the talking.

You are paying them to buffer some of the conflict.

Right, he gets so angry when I don't answer then takes back what he agreed to on the .,. It's been going on for too long. Almost 10 months !

[livednlearned]

One thing my L used to have me say: "I don't allow people to bully me."

There is a good chance your H will change his mind no matter what you do, right? Wasn't he like that in the marriage?

How is he blackmailing you? Does he have something on you that you don't want shared in court?

[Dontknow88]

One thing my L used to have me say: "I don't allow people to bully me."

There is a good chance your H will change his mind no matter what you do, right? Wasn't he like that in the marriage?

How is he blackmailing you? Does he have something on you that you don't want shared in court?

You are right this is a lose-lose situation when it comes to him changing his mind.
He has nothing against me but I have a lot of things that I can use and if it ever goes to court he wouldn't get any of the privileges he's getting in the agreement we are planning. (due to the fact it was a domestic violence relationship and his obvious instability) I know someone that is a judge and she told me if my case went to court there is a very high chance that he wouldn't get visitation, and if he does it wouldn't be as much as he would like to see our son. He wants to see her son three times a month (that's what's in the agreement, and if I know him the way I think I do he won't even keep up to that because he does live in another country, and also lacks consistency)  but she said for example if it went to court it would've been once a month for now. Or even every other month till they see progress in his therapy.

He tells me things like if I mention his mental illnesses to my lawyer that he will surely kill himself, shun our son, try his best to take our son away from me and raise him with his literally new girlfriend (Word is she has serious mental illnesses too), he was knowingly over paying child support by $700 he also threatened to take away the difference and he has, no amount of money is worth this bull.

Also told me on two different occasions that he is a great liar and he can make the courts look like I'm really the crazy one  (I made sure I save that email)

And so on those are just a small fraction of all the threats and has given me.

[livednlearned]

He does not have anything against you, and that's good.

You mentioned being the victim of blackmail. Do you mean being the victim of bullying?

"I won't allow him to bully me" might be a good mantra for you, too.

And then enact a path forward where you can protect yourself from bullying. That can mean being proactive, by not responding to threats or anything that does not feel safe, like interacting with him during an exchange.

For him, the threats are a way to discharge intense feelings. He's shouting at you from the roller coaster, saying this and that, one day one thing, something else the next. These are things that worked in the past for him, likely with others.

You can take note of what he says and decide if it's nonsense or something for him to resolve.

And then move on and keep to the business of sorting out your affairs with a lawyer buffering the conflict.

My ex sent emails and text messages that were terribly insulting abusive threatening, etc.

I don't respond to emails or text messages that do that.

I do respond to emails or text messages that are civil. That does not mean that I have to agree to the offer, though.

What does your lawyer recommend?

[Dontknow88]

He does not have anything against you, and that's good.

You mentioned being the victim of blackmail. Do you mean being the victim of bullying?

"I won't allow him to bully me" might be a good mantra for you, too.

And then enact a path forward where you can protect yourself from bullying. That can mean being proactive, by not responding to threats or anything that does not feel safe, like interacting with him during an exchange.

For him, the threats are a way to discharge intense feelings. He's shouting at you from the roller coaster, saying this and that, one day one thing, something else the next. These are things that worked in the past for him, likely with others.

You can take note of what he says and decide if it's nonsense or something for him to resolve.

And then move on and keep to the business of sorting out your affairs with a lawyer buffering the conflict.

My ex sent emails and text messages that were terribly insulting abusive threatening, etc.

I don't respond to emails or text messages that do that.

I do respond to emails or text messages that are civil. That does not mean that I have to agree to the offer, though.

What does your lawyer recommend?

Agreed, thank you for the great advice. My lawyer doesn't quite understand, he just wants to get it over with and wants me to cave on what my ex wants . After I told him everything that's when he told me it may take some time since we are dealing with a "crazy person"(his words) he said if I told him from the beginning he would have recommended going to court for reasons like this. It takes too long cause an unstable person shouldn't  have a choice and when you give it to them they procrastinate , his words .

[livednlearned]

It takes a highly skilled mediator in our cases, and even then it's a roll of the dice.

There is a lot of emotional relief and freedom in recognizing that small negotiations aren't likely to work out, not when it's between us and our exes.

Go through the steps if you have to do, or if that's where you are at in your process, but know that it's very likely you will end up in front of a judge.

20 percent of all divorces end up in court. Bill Eddy says most if not all of those cases involve someone with a PD.

So ending up in court is just the natural end point for our types of divorces. If you can manage to avoid that fate, then that's great, though probably an anomaly.

Don't be mad at yourself if you took this detour and it doesn't work out. You've already been with someone who was mean to you, so no point being mean to yourself too. 

[ForeverDad]

Supervision by professionals would of course be preferable to you but it will cost money.  Check with your county's agencies, often they can provide you with a list of such places.  Some even have separate entrances for each parent so they don't encounter each other.  Let him pay of course.

I think the key is that if he protests to court you'll be able to honestly say, "I'm not blocking, I only require an appropriate, safe and structured supervised visitation arrangement."

[Dontknow88]

Supervision by professionals would of course be preferable to you but it will cost money.  Check with your county's agencies, often they can provide you with a list of such places.  Some even have separate entrances for each parent so they don't encounter each other.  Let him pay of course.

I think the key is that if he protests to court you'll be able to honestly say, "I'm not blocking, I only require an appropriate, safe and structured supervised visitation arrangement."

Thank you! Yes that's the plan for the visation.

I have a question for you.

On the agreement my lawyer wants me to put it's going to be supervised for a year and a half. I'm not comfertable with that. He said when the time comes and my ex wants our son alone I can just say no. I don't like the idea (because he's far away from getting better) and I think agreeing to that will mess things up if it gets to court in the future. What do you think ?

[ForeverDad]

On the agreement my lawyer wants me to put it's going to be supervised for a year and a half. I'm not comfortable with that. He said when the time comes and my ex wants our son alone I can just say no. I don't like the idea (because he's far away from getting better) and I think agreeing to that will mess things up if it gets to court in the future. What do you think ?

Your lawyer probably is thinking that the court is unlikely to like a permanent supervised visitation status for a parent, especially as a starting point.  Maybe have some sort of a clause in there to have your or others' concerns at that future time to be addressed, perhaps too a transition schedule, brief visits at first?  However, I'm thinking your lawyer wants it kind of unsaid, no hint of what may come next, so that if the dad wants to step up and you say No then he'll have to go to court at which time everyone gets a say.  And that may not be a bad strategy.  You'll have sole custody by his prior agreement.  Not that a future court can't feel sorry for him... .

I'm sure others will come along and add their thoughts too.

[Dontknow88]

Your lawyer probably is thinking that the court is unlikely to like a permanent supervised visitation status for a parent, especially as a starting point.  Maybe have some sort of a clause in there to have your or others' concerns at that future time to be addressed, perhaps too a transition schedule, brief visits at first?  However, I'm thinking your lawyer wants it kind of unsaid, no hint of what may come next, so that if the dad wants to step up and you say No then he'll have to go to court at which time everyone gets a say.  And that may not be a bad strategy.  You'll have sole custody by his prior agreement.  Not that a future court can't feel sorry for him... .

I'm sure others will come along and add their thoughts too.

He has proved to me that he can't Handel kids or stress. Kids are stressful and he's highly suicidal, self harms and I have documents of him admitting that he would quit my sons existence. I told my lawyer that yesterday and he said people like him won't follow the guidelines like the one we agreed on (he. He visits every month for a year and a half for supervised visits first) he told me and I  whole heartedly agree that people like him lacks consistency and he is going to find It very hard to visit every month so I can use that in court if it gets there. My lawyer told me that  he seen my situation many times before and most of them would visit every month then And dies down to every other holiday to only if the child's reaches out.



Thank you for replying