Talked to my BPDexgf for the first time in 3 years

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So I posted a lot back when I was really going through it. So it's been a while. I had a typical BPD relationship with my ex gf. Constantly fighting for nc. Her going to great lengths to stay in contact even when dating other guys and in "love"! Now she recently moved to a city where I live. Strictly for work. She just got out of a relationship who she said she's still crazy over but it feels like he's the one but they can't be together because of work and that she had to move and he needs to stay where he is also for work. They're actors.  She did inform me they broke up prior and we're going to try and work it out but now with the move they decided not too.

Of course hearing this hurt me. She texted  me here and there a few months leading up to her  moving but she called me today becaus she really wants to hang out.

She of course made some jabs at me making me feel ___ty. Even talked about how when we dated she was still into her prior ex. Which is like oh great. Thanks so much for that.

We talked about how we dated at very specific times during our lives  and I said how we probably don't even know each other. And she got defensive a little and was like "well I don't Feel the need to reexplore that" or something along those lines. Like then why are you trying to hang out with me!

But then she makes the joke "too bad we're not dating so we could live together and save money.

She randomly brought up how she has become more sexual now from when we dated. And how she's not a slut but doesn't mind having sex with multiple guys on a regular basis (not at the same time!)

She even joked about how when we dated I was obsessed with sex! But then was like "eww, that's weird. Thinking about sex with any of my exes freaks me out. Unless it's my recent ex"


She just always play the game "I hate you don't leave me" it's been years and now she wants to hang out. She's give me the feeling that she's into me but then act like I'm crazy for thinking that and even take subtle jabs at me. I'm just confused as to handle this. Because truthfully. I'd love to see if there potential.

[zenwexler]

So I posted a lot back when I was really going through it. So it's been a while. I had a typical BPD relationship with my ex gf. Constantly fighting for nc. Her going to great lengths to stay in contact even when dating other guys and in "love"! Now she recently moved to a city where I live. Strictly for work. She just got out of a relationship who she said she's still crazy over but it feels like he's the one but they can't be together because of work and that she had to move and he needs to stay where he is also for work. They're actors.  She did inform me they broke up prior and we're going to try and work it out but now with the move they decided not too.

Of course hearing this hurt me. She texted  me here and there a few months leading up to her  moving but she called me today becaus she really wants to hang out.

She of course made some jabs at me making me feel ___ty. Even talked about how when we dated she was still into her prior ex. Which is like oh great. Thanks so much for that.

We talked about how we dated at very specific times during our lives  and I said how we probably don't even know each other. And she got defensive a little and was like "well I don't Feel the need to reexplore that" or something along those lines. Like then why are you trying to hang out with me!

But then she makes the joke "too bad we're not dating so we could live together and save money.

She randomly brought up how she has become more sexual now from when we dated. And how she's not a slut but doesn't mind having sex with multiple guys on a regular basis (not at the same time!)

She even joked about how when we dated I was obsessed with sex! But then was like "eww, that's weird. Thinking about sex with any of my exes freaks me out. Unless it's my recent ex"


She just always play the game "I hate you don't leave me" it's been years and now she wants to hang out. She's give me the feeling that she's into me but then act like I'm crazy for thinking that and even take subtle jabs at me. I'm just confused as to handle this. Because truthfully. I'd love to see if there potential.

[Notwendy]

There may be potential- but for what?

More of the same issues you struggled with before.

A relationship with someone who is OK with having sex with multiple people at one time in a relationship- ie would be with you and then others as well.

Someone who although she hasn't spoken with you in years brings up topics like her sexual activity, feels free to make comments that feel like put downs to you. ( to me, this indicates poor boundaries- if I encountered an ex after many years, the conversation would be more like speaking to an acquaintance. We may have been closer in the past, but not now. )

Someone who might want to live with you to save rent money.

How should you handle this? It is your decision. She may have made the offer, but you don't have to accept it. Unless you want to. But you might want to consider something Maya Angelou said: "when someone shows you who they are- believe them". Your ex has shown you who she is.

This comes down to you and your boundaries. If you are OK with the way she behaves in a relationship and want this- then it's your choice. If you want a relationship with a person who behaves differently- then don't go through with this.

[Pretty Woman]

Zen, egads! I would go NC on this chick again and stay NC.

All the things she is saying is crapola. Seriously. She is playing with you and trying to make you jealous... .and it sounds like she is trying to triangulate you with her most recent partner, one of many if I read your post correctly. This is MY ex. She ghosted me but she has ex's in rotation that listen to her talk about "finding the one" and how ___tie they were to her when they dated. They have gone from being her lover, her enemy to her enabler.

Don't enable her piss poor behavior. Think back to the worst of times with her. You are soo better off.

It kills them inside when you don't play their game. I am not usually eye for eye but give her back some of her medicine and lock this one out of your heart. You are better off without her nonsense in your orbit.

 
PW

[Pretty Woman]

My favorite part: Too bad we are not dating, we could save money living together.

That's probably the most honest statement in her rhetoric.

It's not about "lets get back together" because she loves you. She has a need... .cheaper rent... .

[SuperJew82]

That's what they do. They are great at manipulating you. Trying to invoke emotions then throwing the bait out there. You are now in closer proximity so you now have been classified as an entertainment item prospect to keep her unhealthy emotional needs satisfied. Like a cat will paw at a mouse while it is still alive and interesting.

What do you think the cat will do when it is done playing with the barely alive mouse and has lost interest in it?


NC NC NC NC NC NC

Don't be a mouse.

[Herodias]

You are getting good advice here... .think with your brain - not your heart. What does your gut tell you?  Try not to get caught in the web. I think it was pretty woman who posted the song a while back called "Ain't that lonely yet" by Dwight Yoakam... .give it a listen.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm just confused as to handle this. Because truthfully. I'd love to see if there potential.

Potential for what is the question? I'll give you some hints given that conversation.

Potential to get confusing mixed messages pulling you in, putting you down, and pushing you out when you chase her.

Potential to have conflicts about sex. (Her comments about it don't bode well!)

Potential to get back into a relationship no better than you had when you were in it. (Did she dump you, or did you dump her? And in the aftermath, did you feel more safe and sane once you dug out of the depressed hole you probably were in?)

I've gotten some vaguely similar nudges from my ex, and my take was "Well, it may not be too late, but it sure is too little!" Pay attention to what ISN'T there.

No apology for her behavior.
Not even acknowledgment that she treated you horribly.
No expression of remorse over her bad behavior.
Not even professing that she will never do that kind of thing again. (Which you probably should take with a grain of salt big enough to knock you out if she threw it at you.)