BPD Spouse

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After 62 years of dealing with rages and behaviors that never made sense and couldn't be worked through,  I finally read Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Now I'm certain that's the explanation for it all.  Now, I have to decide how to take care of myself in my declining years.  I no longer have the strength and endurance to deal with the ongoing  disturbances.  I don't know what my options are and I don't have family that I can count on.

[photobug3]

After 62 years of dealing with rages and behaviors that never made sense and couldn't be worked through,  I finally read Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Now I'm certain that's the explanation for it all.  Now, I have to decide how to take care of myself in my declining years.  I no longer have the strength and endurance to deal with the ongoing  disturbances.  I don't know what my options are and I don't have family that I can count on.

[Meili]

I'm sorry that you are going through the troubles of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD traits. It is really tough to deal with.  As I'm sure that you read in SWOE, there are tools that can be used to help reduce the level of conflict in the relationship. If you tell us more about what's been going on, we can offer some advice that might prove helpful.

[photobug3]

Well, because the rages seem to come out of the blue and occur often it's very difficult to remove myself from the house.  Also, every decision that has to be made is an opportunity for conflict, since my husband doesn't want to discuss issues in a civilized tone.  It's always his view that is right and he puts down my views.  As a result, any discussion falls apart where I have to walk away.  He also does not like to be asked to do anything and feels taken advantage of if I ask for help; at least that's how he puts it.  His behavior gets worse whenever I'm sick.  These are just a few of the things I am dealing with.

[Meili]

Yeah, it can be very frustrating when you are trying to get your point across and the other party just wants you to agree with them. I think that it's pretty safe to say that all of us have experienced that. It's not uncommon for people not suffering from BPD to be like that. It's even worse with a disordered person however because it is very hard to listen and think objectively when in a state of emotional arousal. The good news is that there are communication techniques that might help.

Reading the posts of others will most likely show you rather quickly that you are not alone in what you are dealing with. We all seem to have similar stories. I know that my ex would rage and I would stand dumbfounded trying to figure out how we went from things being nice, sweet, and loving to her yelling, screaming, and crying. It felt like I was always wrong, nothing that I did was right, and no matter how hard I tried, I would never be good enough.

You said that "the rages seem to come out of the blue and occur often," can you tell us more about that? Give us examples possibly? We may be able to help if we have more detail.

[LongTime-nonBPD]

I logged on using my iPad and selected a logon ID just to look around.  I don't think I posted a message though.  Then at a later time, I logged on and selected a different ID on my Smartphone.  I did post a message there, but I want to sign onto that ID on my iPad, but I can't see where I can change the original ID selected on the iPad so I can access the message board from the iPad.  Can anyone help me?  Thank you.

[joeramabeme]

I logged on using my iPad and selected a logon ID just to look around.  I don't think I posted a message though.  Then at a later time, I logged on and selected a different ID on my Smartphone.  I did post a message there, but I want to sign onto that ID on my iPad, but I can't see where I can change the original ID selected on the iPad so I can access the message board from the iPad.  Can anyone help me?  Thank you.

Hi PhotoBug3

Try clearing the Safari "History" on your iPad.  Afterwards, re-enter the URL  bpdfamily.com, the prior credentials you had entered should be gone and you should be able to login from your iPad with the correct account.

[joeramabeme]

Well, because the rages seem to come out of the blue and occur often it's very difficult to remove myself from the house.  Also, every decision that has to be made is an opportunity for conflict, since my husband doesn't want to discuss issues in a civilized tone.  It's always his view that is right and he puts down my views.  As a result, any discussion falls apart where I have to walk away.  He also does not like to be asked to do anything and feels taken advantage of if I ask for help; at least that's how he puts it.  His behavior gets worse whenever I'm sick.  These are just a few of the things I am dealing with.

Hi Again Photobug3

In addition to what Meilli was saying, here is a link to a video/article on "ending conflict with a BPD"

Keep in mind, there are no magical cures or answers for what you are dealing with, it is all very difficult.  Yet, there are some things we can do that will make our interactions easier and will ultimately help clarify our thoughts on how best to proceed.

You sound as if you are still figuring out what is the best thing for you?

JRB

[formflier]

  His behavior gets worse whenever I'm sick. 

In an odd way... this is a compliment and lets you know that he needs you and is scared of loosing you.  pwBPD don't do "abandonment" very well.  Likely somewhere in his thought process he perceives you getting sick as a loss to him... .or he is worried that you will be gone for a while.


Anyway... .can you give us a detailed example of one recent time when the discussion fell apart?

you said... then he said... then you said... .etc etc.

That should help us get the flavor of what has been going on and point you in the right direction to start making your life better  !   

FF

[photobug3]

Yes, I recognize he needs me, but his behavior is constantly rejecting as though he is protecting himself from possible rejection or recognizing his responsibility in turning me away.  I've always perceived his character as like a porcupine.  If you get too close, you're going to get pricked by those spines.

Since we are both retired, we are around each other a lot.  He seems to be constantly on alert to find something to criticize about me or my actions and then try to involve me in an argument.  If I allow that to occur, he then switches the topic and pretty soon, I don't even know how it all started.  I try to walk away to avoid this, but he never seems to learn that I'm not going to participate in that kind of interaction.  It happens so often that it is disruptive to my peace and my day.

Another situation that occurs is when I go into the kitchen when he is there, he suddenly goes into a rage because he feels I am in his way.  The kitchen has plenty of room and we could easily work around one another, but it annoys him no his reaction is to start yelling at me.  This is but a small example of how he seems to have a sense of entitlement not just with me, but with traffic being in his way and even stoplight that turn red before he can get through.  His reaction is dramatic and shocking if I happen to be in the car with him.  Even when I have a question to ask him and he is playing a game on his iPad, he goes into a rage because I am interrupting him.

Anytime I express an opinion that he doesn't like or agree with, he gets very loud and puts me down as though only his opinion has any validity, so there is no discussion nor any resolution in these occurrences.

He also seems to want to be in denial whenever situations occur that we need to address such as getting a leak in the roof fixed or the garage is flooding.  He seems to want to pretend there is no problem.  So, it winds up that I have to take care of these problem and then he rages at me about it.  Everday problems won't get addressed, because of this.  I have tried letting it go to wait for him to do something, but he never does.

[formflier]

 
Hey photobug3,

I'm glad you are learning to post on this site and learning about BPDish behaviors.

Those behaviors certainly can be confusing. 

Let's take the example of things needing to be fixed around the house... .and him seeming to ignore it.

Assumptions:  I'm assuming this is your house... .or your own or are otherwise jointly responsible for the house... correct?

I'm also assuming that he likely professes to want to "be the man that takes care of the house"... .

So... .there is a leak over the garage... .so... .leave things open ended

"Hey babe (or some other "usual" way of addressing him... whatever is normal for you)... .I noticed some water in the garage.  Have you noticed this? 

Notice there are no conclusions... .there are no accusations.

Assume good day... .  He says he notices... .let him know  "A potential leak concerns me, how would you like to handle this?"  Notice you own your feelings and leave it open ended.

If he has a reasonable plan, thank him... .go with it.  Perhaps do something nice for him to acknowledge when it is done.  Not over the top... .but something special.

First time it doesn't work or he "forgets"... .stay open... .own your concern and ask him for his plan.  Same thing, if reasonable, go with it... .if not... ."Babe, I appreciate your efforts and don't understand the delay.  I'm anxious about the leak and will call 123 roof company to see when they can come out.  I'll let you know what they say" 

No more debate... .you call roof company... .proceed. 

If his second plan falls through... .same thing... .you appreciate his effort but don't understand no result or a delay... .you take action.

Let's assume bad day:  He ignores reality... .water is no big deal... .he blows you off.  Respect his opinion... .don't argue.  Let him know you are anxious... .and will be handling the matter.  Leave him in his world of denial and you go handle the roof.

The point is to "not engage" when he is being weird or oppositional.  When he is being reasonable... .be reasonable back.

Many of us get caught up in trying to convince them of their unreasonableness... .has that ever worked out well for you?

What do you think of this example?  How does this compare with what actually happened.

Last note:  I've flipped many houses and still own a bunch of rental property.  There are many kinds of maintenance you can defer... .roof leaks are NOT something to ignore.

FF