How to protect myself and children

[JackStraw1989]

The mother of my children is a constant cause of stress and anxiety for all of us. I have sole custody of the children ( boy and girl early teens) and the mother has slowly been working her way back into to our lives, due to extreme circumstances concerning our daughter. She doesn't understand boundaries and poses questions to me that if I answer no to, she frames that response in a way to our children that I become the bad guy for not letting mom over to  the house. She is often puts me in a position where I feel guilty, trapped, and unable to say no to her.  I really am at my wits end on how to get her away from me and to have less contact with the children. I'm so worn down and burnt out from years of dealing with her addictions and her behavior.
I understand she has issues and while I have been empathetic, supportive, understanding, i have reached the point where I am apathetic to her situation and want nothing to do with her, I can't even look her in the eyes whenever we talk. I keep responses to three or four words, I have disengaged in any sort of confrontational language but, thats not healthy for me or the children. 

[livednlearned]

Hi JackStraw1989,

I'm so sorry for the continuing stress and anxiety. I imagine the situation with your daughter must be causing some of the stress, too, making it harder to deal with your ex.

How do the kids feel about their mom coming over?

It's hard to build up compassion and have strength to deal with someone when you're worn down. Can you forgive yourself for needing a little time (and some new learned skills, perhaps) to be able to model the kind of behavior you want your kids to see?

There are leading BPD experts who recommend minimal communication, depending on the circumstance. You may be doing exactly what the kids need.

LnL

[JackStraw1989]

thank you for the response livenlearned .
The kids love it when she comes over, they don't understand the issues between myself and the mother. If i ever say no to her coming over,  I am the bad guy. Even though the state stepped in took away custody of the children two times, for addiction, I can never say anything negative about the mother, and by negative I mean just explaining the facts ( I don't bad mouth the mom) of she has an addiction and she has caused a lot of issues between her and myself thats why we don't get along.
Her levels of manipulation run deep. She tells kids that I hate her and I treat her unfairly. Her losing the kids from addiction is never her fault, it's always those social service people over reacting. She will texts messages asking if she can come over, if i say no she shows them to the kids and they come at me asking why mom can't come over. It's a tangled mess of a situation. I can never talk about her issues, they are met with denial, anger, yelling and then the next day an apology for her outbursts. It's a cycle I need to stop being dragged into.
I have been reading a lot and am ready to sit down with the kids and explain that your mom and I don't have a relationship, and it is abnormal for people not in a relation to spend time together.