hi MiserableMostly and
i remember in my case it felt like things got worse before they got better. im sorry to hear youre having a hard time
1) Any tips for picking myself up again? Shaking myself out of a slump?
slowly but surely build routine. i remember at my worst, my routine was little more than taking some supplements every few hours. small steps count, and you can build on them. take care of yourself, do things you enjoy. reach out to friends and family - i did so even though it frankly made me more depressed at first to be around them. rediscover your skills, hobbies, creative outputs, and perhaps more importantly, consider developing new ones - its great for the confidence and self esteem.
also, consider seeing a doctor and/or therapist.
2) When I find myself ruminating or just having memories that are coupled with strong emotions is it better to A) Basically yell the thoughts out of my head so I don't think about my ex so much or B) Sit with the thoughts and emotions and try to accept and temper them, essentially try to have the thought and be indifferent to it
no right or wrong answer here in my opinion. most of my ruminations i put to pen and paper. endless ranting, adding up all sorts of nonsensical things, but no regrets, i feel in retrospect myself and my psyche were working toward reaching an understanding of what id been through. of course it can get debilitating, even painful, too. there are tools we have here for managing ruminations, and a lot of members have benefited from setting limits (time limits, certain times of the day) to do their ruminating.
4) How do I cope with the reality that my ex has moved on with her life and I have not?
not easily. shaming yourself or comparing yourself to her however will not help. this was a traumatic experience with someone you loved. give yourself permission to grieve. there came a point when i accepted the notion that i was deeply wounded, recovery is not linear, i will get better, but it was going to take what it took, and it did.
5) How do I convince myself that I'll find love? I hadn't felt this way about someone in 10 years and when I found my BPDex I was so relieved, I felt so lucky, I honestly couldn't believe it. It took ten years the first time, and felt so rare, and then wasn't even real. It just feels like I'll never find someone that I really, actually like this much.
this is a further down the road question, involves healing, rebuilding your self confidence and self esteem, surrounding yourself with people that love you, and exploring the dating world at your own pace, perhaps in new ways. as well, and perhaps before that, digging deeper and exploring your relationship, and the particular draws for you.
6) Is it ok to have vengeance fantasies or conversations with her in my head where I tell her how much of a monster she is or is that holding me back?
sure its okay. anger is a natural part of detachment and grief. like any stage, we can get stuck there, and id certainly discourage acting on the fantasies. if it were me, id write them down, play them out. put them toward a creative action.
7) When will I feel better?
its only been a month; in my experience, and many members, thats a pretty short amount of time. expect that there will be ups and downs, that in some cases it may feel like things are worse before they get better, but that every bit of it is progress, whether it feels that way or not.
you mention you felt more alive when you were going insane with your ex. these were loaded, volatile relationships with a lot of highs and lows, and adrenaline. it is somewhat natural to feel drained.
8) How do I force myself to get all my work done when I can't even get out of bed?
what kind of work?
