BPD bf calls me a pushover because I didn't report sexual abuse as a child

[talkstostrangers]

"You're so you used to people taking advantage of you. Like that guy who raped you. You didn't even care. You're such a pushover. That's why it went on so long. You probably liked it. We're done. " (I was a very young child. The abuse ended when the person died of an accidental drug overdose.)

This is when I realized I had to end it. I hung and blocked him. I can't do it anymore. This isn't even the first time he has said something like this. I'm so ashamed of having let someone talk to me like this that I can't tell my friends or family. I found this website and thought maybe hearing like cases would help. I feel like I don't have the strength to do this.

Context
Something that my boyfriend bought for me as a surprise gift was stolen. A few things for him were also inside. He was away on a business trip when we realized it together, as we spoke on the phone and he pulled tracking information that said it was delivered days ago.

As soon as he realized it was gone, he hung up on me. "I can't deal with this."

He didn't answer my calls but eventually called back to tell me he wasn't coming, never wanted to see me or step foot in building. He canceled his expensive plane ticket to see me, knowing he wouldn't get a refund or credit (so he says).

He is a recovering alcoholic. He later called to tell me he was going out to get drunk and then drive, hoping he would get into an accident.

I searched the building even went as far as to dig through the trash, only to find the empty box in my neighbors recycling. For a split second, I considered telling him I found it, hope he didn't ask to see the contents and repurchase everything. Just claim it was misplaced. But I told him the truth.

Cue three hours of him calling and hanging up on me drunk, furious, yelling and making wild accusations. Among them:"The box isn't stolen. You took sold what I bought for you and gave my stuff to your other man."

As soon as he mentioned my childhood abuse, I hung up. I couldn't take it. The cops were coming soon so I could file a police report and I couldn't face them with him breaking me down with every call and message. I blocked him all night.

In the morning, I unblocked him to tell him what I had done to make this right, including filing police reports, having the building reimburse him, reviewing security footage ect. I did everything and then some. But all he could focus on was that I had blocked him, even though he had broken up with me first. I lied and said I turned off my phone because I was too overwhelmed.

"What if I had gotten in a car accident when I was drinking? You weren't there for me!"

You can imagine what the last few days have been like. The only reason I haven't left yet is because he has threatened to sue me and my building if the thief isn't found. I need to close that incident and get out of this relationship.

I need to find the strength to stop this.

[Sunfl0wer]

First off welcome!

"You're so you used to people taking advantage of you. Like that guy who raped you. You didn't even care. You're such a pushover. That's why it went on so long. You probably liked it. We're done. "

I am sorry to say this but I have had someone do this to me.
Quite frankly, I find it abhorent.  Wish I could come up with a stronger word than that.  It is just disgusting to me.

As a survivor of child abuse, shame, guilt, etc are issues many face and deal with years after. I'm in my early 40's, still in therapy dealing with these things.

I realize this is in the deciding board, however, that kinda abuse would be it for me... .kinda don't care the context of how it happened.  Just degrading anyone, adult, child, I don't care for being harmed, is not a workable issue for me.

[talkstostrangers]

First off welcome!

I am sorry to say this but I have had someone do this to me.
Quite frankly, I find it abhorent.  Wish I could come up with a stronger word than that.  It is just disgusting to me.

As a survivor of child abuse, shame, guilt, etc are issues many face and deal with years after. I'm in my early 40's, still in therapy dealing with these things.

I realize this is in the deciding board, however, that kinda abuse would be it for me... .kinda don't care the context of how it happened.  Just degrading anyone, adult, child, I don't care for being harmed, is not a workable issue for me.

Thank you so much for the welcome.


You are completely right. This has to stop and context is irrelevant. I wouldn't tell this to my worst enemy, let alone significant other. I suppose the reason I put it in this board is that I am holding off on ending it until the thief is found out and arrested because I want a clean cut. I don't want him to have any excuse for contacting me.

It's so hard for me to open up to anyone about my childhood experiences. I know how hard it is for others and I am incredibly grateful that you shared this. Thank you. Sometimes I hate myself for trusting him with something so personal and sensitive.

I was devastated, destroyed, and defeated when I heard it. Now I am determined to end it. But is it foolish to hold off until this matter is settled?

I want him to have no excuse to ever contact me again but every hour that it takes for the management company to finish reviewing the footage is another hour of him potentially veering wildly between loving and apologetic, indifferent and dismissive, and furious.

[Radcliff]

Hello TalksToStrangers,

I am sorry to hear about what is going on.  I am new to the board, so hope I'm posting within acceptable boundaries, but my gut tells me to be very open and direct.  What your bf is doing is ridiculous.  You shouldn't have to put up with it for one second.  My wife was abused as a child, so I'm aware of the aftermath, and to say you bear any responsibility for what happened is just over the top totally not appropriate.

Let me ask you to think about a question -- are you using the resolution of the box theft as a reason to delay doing what's right for you?  Is it good for you to wait on something beyond your control -- it seems like there's a good chance they won't catch the person.  If you get lucky and the tapes reveal something, great.  But if they don't... .

Good luck with everything.  You deserve someone who backs you up!

[Grey Kitty]

Hello and welcome!

I gotta say that there should be a special section of hell just for people who blame the victim for things like rape and being abused as a child. It was NOT YOUR FAULT.

Anyhow, back to your living situation--I've got to practical thoughts:

1. He does sound abusive to you; leaving that kind of situation is a risky thing, especially if you do it impulsively without a bit of planning. Make sure you are safe and know what resources, supporters you have, etc.

2. The fight over this box shouldn't be the thing which stops you--it just doesn't sound like it is that big a legal risk for you. (I don't think that unsubstantiated claims that a domestic partner stole something stand up all that well most of the time!)

Other than that, how sure are you that you want to get out of this relationship?

[talkstostrangers]

Hello TalksToStrangers,

Let me ask you to think about a question -- are you using the resolution of the box theft as a reason to delay doing what's right for you?  Is it good for you to wait on something beyond your control -- it seems like there's a good chance they won't catch the person.  If you get lucky and the tapes reveal something, great.  But if they don't... .

Good luck with everything.  You deserve someone who backs you up!

Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate honesty more than ever because living in the BPD world feels like it has impaired my ability to differentiate between what is acceptable and what is not.

I hadn't of thought about using the ridiculous box situation as a reason to delay the break-up but the wave of fear I felt when thinking about ending it is answer enough. I am afraid of breaking up with him. I have read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and many of its suggestions have been extremely helpful but with him being so unpredictable, I struggle with finding the strength to do it. Despite my determination. I don't know how to do it yet, but it has to be done.

At the moment, he is more determined to find the culprit than support or help me through this process. But the video appears to be very clear, it's just hours of footage and all signs point to someone who lives in the building. He is being reimbursed by the building and the store who sold the merchandise has agreed to sell back the merchandise at the sale price. I have also been assured that if found, the person will be evicted and arrested. More cameras are building installed and the rest of building is being notified. I have done everything possible and I'm still being accused, and I quote, "not giving a sh--".

The footage is the only thing still pending and he's completely obsessed with it. I feel it would be easier to break-up if this is resolved so he can finally calm down a bit. But maybe I'm naive in thinking it will do anything. For the love of God, he got upset that I went to sleep! Apparently, I have to be harassing a closed management office 24 hours a day for him to be satisfied. And we know that even that won't be enough. He feels personally violated and taken advantaged of, bringing up feelings from his broken relationship with his father (admittedly and legitimately traumatic). But I am not his father or his emotional punching bag. I am not responsible. It's as if catching this idiot thief will heal that wound. It won't.

That is how I know you and Grey Kitty are more right than you both know. His wound from his trauma is too deep, and resolving this is like putting a band-aid on another wound while the real gash that is killing him needs stitches. I am not a doctor, and he is not ready or unwilling to go to the hospital. Finding the thief will not be enough for this abusive volatility to end. 

[talkstostrangers]

1. He does sound abusive to you; leaving that kind of situation is a risky thing, especially if you do it impulsively without a bit of planning. Make sure you are safe and know what resources, supporters you have, etc.

2. The fight over this box shouldn't be the thing which stops you--it just doesn't sound like it is that big a legal risk for you. (I don't think that unsubstantiated claims that a domestic partner stole something stand up all that well most of the time!)

Other than that, how sure are you that you want to get out of this relationship?

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice.

Luckily, we don't live together. I have come to realize this behavior is verbally abusive. I suppose the reason it took so long for me to accept that is that it happens so infrequently. When he is stable and "normal", he is basically the perfect partner. And when he loses it, the next day, he analyzes what he did with unbelievable rationality and self-awareness and he puts in enormous effort afterward to apologize and make amends. But life isn't fair. Things happen. I can't live my whole life hoping he doesn't have a bad day because he's going to try to destroy me emotionally to vent misplaced anger.

I'm trying to think of a plan because I do think he is capable (if drunk enough) to start some sort of smear campaign against me. I don't quite know how I would tackle that other than tell my friends that it could be coming.

In terms of his crazy threat to bring legal action, I think it's geared toward suing my management company and dragging me into a lawsuit against the thief (if found). I don't know. Maybe he will try to accuse me of stealing it. But seeing as the package is under my name and he is not an American citizen yet, I don't know what he could cause other than more paperwork, a problem with my building, and a huge headache.

I am absolutely sure that I need to get out. My question to the board is, can anyone provide suggestions on how to go about it?

[Grey Kitty]

Luckily, we don't live together.
[... .]
My question to the board is, can anyone provide suggestions on how to go about it?

How to get out of a relationship has a few parts:

1. How to separate/leave physically, financially, logistically, etc.

Moving out when you live together is one of the biggest hurdles; you don't live together, so no issue. You may need to get his key back or change the locks. You may need to return his things at your place (fairly easy), and collect your things at his place (could be harder; if you can collect important things without him noticing that could simplify it).

If you have shared finances, joint bills, bank accounts, or credit, that's got to be dealt with.

Q: Do you have stuff like this to deal with? If so, we can help you plan ways to resolve it.

2. The emotional side / decision. This is a battle with your own doubts, fears, and guilt.

Tell us what your concerns are here, or what you are afraid of.

3. Your safety. You don't say he's been physically violent with you in the past, but he could be violent or vindictive in the breakup or the aftermath. If he has any history of violence either with you or with others, or have any other fears, that needs to be taken account of. We can help you make a safety plan.