When everyone thinks he's a "great guy."

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

One of the hardest parts for me dealing with my BPD hub is that everyone thinks he is the "nicest guy in the world." I see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, but he only allows family & friends to see Dr. Jekyll. I don't dare tell them otherwise bc no one would ever believe me. It's so incredibly frustrating, especially if family finds out about an argument we've had, they automatically assume that I'M the problem & tell me to be understanding and "make nice" bc he's such a sweet man with always the best of intentions. I always come off looking like the cruel & callous bad guy.
He is out of state visiting family for a few days right now and called me last night being cruel and manipulative. Not 30 minutes after the phone call, I see him post on Facebook a pic of him & his grandson with dozens of comments from ppl about what a great father & grandfather he is and how lucky his fam is to have him. I was so angry & hurt, I could barely see straight.
I know I shouldn't care what they think, bc I know the truth, but it's just so damn hurtful.
How do you guys cope with always looking like the "bad guy," when you know otherwise? I could really use some suggestions/strategies.

[bananas2]

One of the hardest parts for me dealing with my BPD hub is that everyone thinks he is the "nicest guy in the world." I see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, but he only allows family & friends to see Dr. Jekyll. I don't dare tell them otherwise bc no one would ever believe me. It's so incredibly frustrating, especially if family finds out about an argument we've had, they automatically assume that I'M the problem & tell me to be understanding and "make nice" bc he's such a sweet man with always the best of intentions. I always come off looking like the cruel & callous bad guy.
He is out of state visiting family for a few days right now and called me last night being cruel and manipulative. Not 30 minutes after the phone call, I see him post on Facebook a pic of him & his grandson with dozens of comments from ppl about what a great father & grandfather he is and how lucky his fam is to have him. I was so angry & hurt, I could barely see straight.
I know I shouldn't care what they think, bc I know the truth, but it's just so damn hurtful.
How do you guys cope with always looking like the "bad guy," when you know otherwise? I could really use some suggestions/strategies.

[Curiously1]

Looks like he knows the power/influence of a great public image.

Does anyone of your family or friends believe you or is it truly all of them who are having a hard time grasping Mr.Hyde within him too?

As difficult as it is I suggest you quit trying to prove these issues to the people who cannot/will not believe you and gravitating towards those who can. Because the ones who cannot/will not believe you are only going to make you feel worse and you will continue to be seen in a bad light.

Having so many people blind to the truth is so hurtful and alienating but knowing who you are really dealing with is better than not knowing. You aren't a bad guy and you know that.

My hope is that one day they will catch on. But for now, stick to those who can and find ways to make yourself feel better that does not involve them.

[enlighten me]

Maybe he is the greatest guy in the world. Just not in close personal relationships.

My exgf is seen by nearly everyone as wonderful. And she is. She is also one of the most horrible people I know for the way she treated me and her other partners.

The wonderful and the awful are all part of the same person unfortunately we got close enough to see the awful. It is sad that they will never be able to have the happiness that we can as no one will ever get close enough to them without the awful side coming out.

It used to wind me up that she was "getting away with it" and it was all an act but I realise it isn't all an act. She is actually that wonderful person people see. They just don't get close enough to let the genie out of the bottle.

[Notwendy]

This is similar to my situation, which made the picture confusing- if he is so wonderful to everyone but me, is it my fault? I would easily accept the blame and try to fix things.

The plus in that is that he is great to the kids. That is a value that is important to me.

There were a few glimpses of Mr. Hyde when we were dating, but that was attributed to temporary stresses. I do feel as if I married someone who was mostly Dr. Jeckyll, but that turned into a long stretch of Mr. Hyde.

Being co-dependent I began walking on eggshells and doing everything I thought I could do to "fix" the marriage. But what actually worked better for me was boundaries. If Mr. Hyde is in the house, he can go "hyde" out by himself, because I don't wish to tolerate that behavior.

Boundaries also include respecting his, and his were tougher than mine. He needs personal distance- more than I would have liked but respecting that he needs his space helped. In time, I realized I also needed my own "alone" time to recharge. It seemed that trying to be too close triggers the switch to Mr. Hyde.

However, being Dr. Jeckyll takes a toll as well. I think some of it is genuine, some of this is a mask. I think we all do this to some extent. We act/dress professionally at work, but once we are home, want to change into comfortable clothes, watch TV and not act so formal. (but we don't have to be mean) . I also think both nons and pwBPD share an aspect of co-dependency where we feel people might not like the real us, so we have to be that nice. Dr. Jeckyll knows that everyone loves Dr. Jeckyll, but I think Mr. Hyde wants to be loved too.

I've found that I don't really like either Dr. Jeckyll or Mr. Hyde very much- but I like an imperfect human (like myself )who is a little bit of both- the person behind the personas. I've tried to let that person know that I accept him as he is. But to do this, I need to also accept myself- imperfections and all and not allow anyone to treat me poorly. I think it is OK to not feel one has to be on their best behavior all the time, but when we are not, we need some alone time.

[Healthy88]

It is a difficult dilemma, very hurtful and isolating. I was not co-dependant, and fought him for years because I didn't understand what was wrong with him. Trying to stand my ground and not let him walk all over me didn't help any, as he continued to do it anyway. In the end, it just wore me out and broke me down.

It wasn't until I completely broke 20 years later, that my own family has slowly begun to open theirs eyes and see that maybe my SO isn't so wonderful after all and maybe they have been supporting the wrong person for the last 20 years. Even now, it is still incredibly hard for them to admit that maybe they were wrong all of these years. Talk about hurtful! My personal knowledge, faith, inner strength and children are what is carrying me through, when I would be just as happy quitting.

My SO always tells me, it is God's place to judge, not mine. Hopefully, for once he is right and one day God will. God will also judge me one day too so I try now to focus more on my own judgment day than SO's.

[waverider]

Who he is with them is who he wants to be. However to be anyone we need a sense of self to anchor ourselves through the trying times. Otherwise this persona will not hold up and takes a lot of energy to stop it blowing in the wind. This is called a false persona. Their "sunday best" or "CV profile'. As a result they go overboard to be appropriate and ideal role models. It is their dream rather than an evil plotter.

The problem is they believe it is possible and not just a best front, so when they can't maintain it they blame someone, that is you. Once they know someone has seen through the chinks in this, as those close to them inevitably have, they drop the image as it is already tarnished. The same will happen to acquaintances that start to see through it, they will be dropped.

How to handle it? Get off that toxic cycle of going through your mind thinking of what you could say to others so that they will "understand'. They wont, and if they did, they would be dropped and he would move on to charming someone else and you are back to square one.

It is one of the hardest and frustrating things to deal with, and most likely you will never get over it completely. If you can actively stop chasing the delusion that you can change this it will go a long way.

As others have said it is easier if you have different circles of people as his will seem tarnished and you will even feel simmering predjustice

[isilme]

H is not the bad one I've encountered about this.  While he is able for the most part to keep himself in check, enough has leaked over and he's lost his temper just enough for people to know it's there.  Also, and times he's tried to paint me black, well, people also know me, and it doesn't work that well, and often has made him just look bad.

My BPD sociopath father on the other hand... .he worked in PR.  He did PR for the Department of Defense in the 1980s.  He's good at appearing nice when he needs to.  He hid well how he abused and neglected me.  People found it easier to believe I was a wild teenager who ran away from home than that he disowned me in writing in triplicate stating things like how he could not wait for me to crawl back to him on my hands and knees in a fit of depression.  I was sick at the time, and he canceled my health insurance.  He got remarried when I was 17, and my stepmother did not want my cat.  Suddenly, my cat is sick.  He's vomiting all over the place.  Dad tells me he's taking him to the vet, no, I can't come and have to go to school.  I get home, he tells me the cat's stomach burst, it was my fault because I must have let him eat something, and he died in horrible pain before the vet could put him down.  I believed this for many years until H and I had to take our oldest furbaby in and put her down, tot he very same vet (small town).  There is no way that vet would have let any animal die in pain.  They acted quickly, compassionately, and had her comfortable and passing to sleep in our arms once they realized they could not help her.  I now think Dad killed my cat, and did not even take him to the vet, may have simply broken his neck and thrown him away.  He is/was a scary man, I lived in fear of him my whole life. 

But, since we moved back to my dad's hometown when he and mom divorced, all I ever hear, "he's such a great guy, your dad!"  "How is your dad?"  I was so happy to take H's last name to get away from those comments. 

I can control myself pretty well - I had to to keep myself, well, alive as a child.  Both parents had BPD, were volatile, uncertain, and could change from laughing to beating you in a second.  I learned to manage an acceptable face, not to cry in front of them if I could help it, to only present to the world the accepted emotions (hiding what home was like was a big command), even though I was a sad, depressed, suicidal child/teen.  So for a pwBPD to be able to hold in the rage and place all their anger and frustration and self-loathing on an acceptable private target is not surprising.  You, as the person in the close, intimate relationship, are the one judged to be to appropriate target.  So coworkers, casual friends, enmeshed family, they all see a "great person".  partly because no one wants to admit when their friend is abusive to their spouse, has rage fits, or is unstable, even if they are partly aware of it.  It's easier to say people are exaggerating. 

[SettingBorders]

There were some important thoughts on that topic here. I would like to add the idea to document that he's not so nice to you. In case some day you've got enough, you'll have something in your hands to show to your family.

I hope you have a least one person you're close enough to tell the truth. You need this to stay sane. If you don't have such a person, I'd recomment to see a therapist or a support group.

[Healthy88]

May I ask what "CV profile" stands for?

Thanks.

[waverider]

May I ask what "CV profile" stands for?

Thanks.

Curriculum Vitae=extensive resume or the idealistic nonsense you put on your job applications, putting your best possible presentation forward to impress