The sudden breakup I never understood. What is engulfment?

[Rocknut]

I have posted numerous times on this board. I have read numerous things about BPD. I have talked to a therapist. However, I still don't understand one of the BPD halmarks, SUDDEN BREAK UP.

I constantly read that BPDs will do anything and everything to keep from being alone. I constantly read that will latch on to their lovers by suicidal threats, stalking, being clingy, etc... . however... . mine was different.

The first 3 months of our relationship were perfect. We had the typical "honeymoon" period. I wouldn't say he was clingy in an unhealthy way, but we definitly spent a lot of time together. Then, he suddenly blew up on me one day saying, "I need my space. You're smothering me." "I need my space" was a constant them with him.

3 weeks after this blow up on me he started doing marijuana heavily, everyday. The first "i need my space" blow up happened on January 7th. He started giving me the silent treatment, ignoring me, by February 7th. On February 25 he said, "This may sound cold but I have absolutely no feelings for you."

He ran away from me at 100,000 mph. I chased. The next 3 months were nothing but drug use, rages, manic episodes and pure psychosis. I should have let it end there. However, I just couldn't. I just couldn't understand how he could end it so COLDlY WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION. When I asked for an explanation he said, what is there to talk about?

I have heard this is most likely a fear of engulfment? I have read about it but I still don't understand the process, or the sudden ending of our relationship

[Suzn]

Rocknut relationships come with a certain amount of responsibility to your partner. Even though that doesn't mean you "answer to" someone, you still agree on mutual plans for the future and what not. One of the characteristics of an unhealthy relationship is enmeshment, where you completely rely on each other and can't do anything relatively "on your own", individually. There is no interdependence, only dependence. You become engulfed in each other, you can lose your self.

It sounds as if your ex was or is an addict. He could have felt the need to use and your relationship possibly got in the way of his using. There could be several reasons for this, time, money, your opinion of drug users, etc... . So if he feared losing his independence, or his time to "use", you chasing after him possibly only re-enforced that for him. How did you feel about him using drugs?   

[Rocknut]

Suzn, it's a long story. He moved to my state, Alabama, from California. He was an addict from age 17(he is 25 now). He moved here last April to, "escape drugs and start a better life." He had been clean since April of 2012 when we started dating in September 2012.

He seemed to be doing fine. Then in december he started becoming oddly emotional, depressed. He told me he went to a doctor trying to get xanax to "stop the racing bad thoughts" in his head. By christmas he had smoked pot again.

By February 1st he was a complete 24/7 stoner, evening pawning his car title for pot money.

I hated it. He hid it from me for THE ENTIRE MONTH OF January. I finally found out around January 26th, . He started blaming me for the pot use around February 5th. Then he had "no feelings for me" just 2 weeks later.

He constantly told me "pot keeps me from going insane." I begged and begged him to quit. He progressively got worse to the point of dissapearing for weeks on end, having horrible rages, not bathing, wasting every last time he had, stealing from me, etc.

[Suzn]

He seemed to be doing fine. Then in december he started becoming oddly emotional, depressed. He told me he went to a doctor trying to get xanax to "stop the racing bad thoughts" in his head. By christmas he had smoked pot again.

This doesn't sound unusual for an addict. Was he involved in any treatment or just going it alone, or cold turkey? There is an emotional withdraw, as well as a physical one, from drug use. Drug use is a coping strategy and if your ex didn't have the support of others in recovery and tools to learn healthy coping skills the likelihood of him remaining clean was, as you saw, for him, impossible.

By February 1st he was a complete 24/7 stoner, evening pawning his car title for pot money.

This tells you how serious his addiction is.

I hated it. He hid it from me for THE ENTIRE MONTH OF January.

You hated it, he was coping with the shame. He has to be the one to become uncomfortable enough in his drug problem to reach out for help. The last thing an active drug user wants to hear about, over and over, is how they can't cope with life without the use of drugs. Thus his disappearing act.

He constantly told me "pot keeps me from going insane." I begged and begged him to quit. He progressively got worse to the point of dissapearing for weeks on end, having horrible rages, not bathing, wasting every last time he had, stealing from me, etc.

Again, this tells you how severe his drug problem was. This had nothing to do with you, you cannot control this. This was a problem before you met him and is still a problem, for him, today. I went through this with my brother for years. I completely understand how painful this is for you. It was helpful for me to understand what's behind drug use. Have you considered Al Anon or a therapist of your own to help you understand what happened? I'm sorry if I missed you saying so previously.

[Rocknut]

Well, my ex BPD absolutely refused psychological treatment because in his words, "i dont want to talk about the molestation." He was molested by his father.

He attended marijuana support groups in California. When he moved here he went cold turkey, alone, without any support.

It killed me because the first 3 months of our relatonship he would come to me crying and say, "I dont want to fall in to my dark place. I don't want it. I don't want it." I repeatedly asked what his dark place was. He simply responded "pot." He told me how it ruined his life. When he started acting odd, I read his private journal. In his private journal he wrote, "I left california because marijuana ruined my life. I left california because pot dictated my life. I left california because pot took all my money." He then wrote below that "Rocknut is the best boyfriend ever. I want to spend my life with him.

The what happened? He relapsed, blamed me for it, then dissapeared in to insanity. Oh yes, it's torn me apart.

He has stolen from me, used me, degraded me every way possible with insane rages. Yet he keeps my love notes, cards, stuffed animals neatly stacked in his room. He keeps our christmas picture together on his only mirror. He has to look at me everyday. I don't get it. I am no contact now for 8 days. The last time I was at his house he beat the hell out of me. He then came to me the next day begging me to take him to the local mental hospital because "i can't control my rage." They made an appointment for tuesday(last week.) I said, "if you don't go, don't contact me again." I havn't heard from him.

My therapist really tries to focus on me instead of talking about him. We are working on why I am a codependent. But still... .  I want answers.

[Suzn]

Well, my ex BPD absolutely refused psychological treatment because in his words, "i dont want to talk about the molestation." He was molested by his father.

This is a tragic and very sad past. People with pasts such as these can spend a lifetime working recovery, but only when they make a commitment to themselves and become ready to deal with it.

I'm sorry I know this is painful for you.  It hasn't been very long since your break up, wanting answers is very normal. I'm glad to hear you are working with a T. Starting the process of looking at your own past is a good direction to be turning yourself to. Things will start changing, with you, once you are focusing more on you.

[leftbehind]

Sending you love, Rocknut.  You don't deserve to have anyone put their hands on you in anger.  Your ex sounds like a true danger to your mental, physical and emotional well being.  If I were you, I'd continue NC.  It gets better... .  xo

[schwing]

Hi Rocknut,

I have posted numerous times on this board. I have read numerous things about BPD. I have talked to a therapist. However, I still don't understand one of the BPD halmarks, SUDDEN BREAK UP.

I constantly read that BPDs will do anything and everything to keep from being alone. I constantly read that will latch on to their lovers by suicidal threats, stalking, being clingy, etc... . however... . mine was different.

Here's my understanding of this behavior.

First of all, it's not they "will do anything and everything to keep from being alone", it's they will do anything and everything to keep from being *abandoned.*  There is a key difference.

For example, when we actually do take steps to distance ourselves from them, or break-up/leave them, they react to this as if they will indeed be abandoned.  This is where behavior such as suicidal threats, stalking, being clingy, come in.  They don't want us to "abandon" them, so they beg, insist, even threaten us to keep us from leaving them.

But their problem is that more often than not, their feelings that they will be "abandoned" comes from their disordered thinking and not so much from our actions and behaviors.  And these disordered feelings escalate, to the point that in spite of us telling them we have zero intention of leaving them, they do the only thing they can do to avoid this imagined abandonment: they leave first, they abandon us (thus the sudden break ups).

The person who abandons is not the abandoned.  If they leave first, then they avoid being abandoned.  Which is why I point out it is not the fear of being alone, it is the fear of being left first, or abandoned.

I don't see it as fear of engulfment.  I see it as an flip in behavior once their fear of abandonment becomes too overwhelming for them.

The first 3 months of our relationship were perfect. We had the typical "honeymoon" period. I wouldn't say he was clingy in an unhealthy way, but we definitly spent a lot of time together. Then, he suddenly blew up on me one day saying, "I need my space. You're smothering me." "I need my space" was a constant them with him.

Another understanding I have of this disorder, is that their disordered fear of abandonment, is particularly triggered by their feelings of intimacy and familiarity.  And this is why, in the beginning of these relationships, their disordered feelings aren't so overwhelming to them.  At this stage, the "honeymoon" stage, there is little true intimacy and familiarity; technically we are still strangers.  We are certainly not like family... .  yet.

The "sudden" blow up, as I see it, is the first pangs of this developing intimacy and familiarity... .  triggering their fear of abandonment.  In their mind, as they become closer to us, they also begin to imagine that we intend to abandon them.  So they need to get away from us.  And they do.  They get their space.  Maybe they even have side relationships and "abandon" us for a time.  But then their fear that we will abandon them subsides, it is still at a "manageable" level and then they come back to us.

In some cases, they leave us first and come back to us, and we had no idea they devalued us and then re-idealized us.  In our minds, they just need to get some distance and then "realized" how much we "actually" meant to them.  So each time your BPD loved "needed space" and got that space, was potentially a period in which they oscillated between devaluing and idealization.

A key difference between them and us, is that while our attachment to them changed only slightly, their attachment to us, flipped off and on (maybe more than once).

3 weeks after this blow up on me he started doing marijuana heavily, everyday. The first "i need my space" blow up happened on January 7th. He started giving me the silent treatment, ignoring me, by February 7th. On February 25 he said, "This may sound cold but I have absolutely no feelings for you."

Sounds like his attachment to you, flipped on and off.

He ran away from me at 100,000 mph. I chased. The next 3 months were nothing but drug use, rages, manic episodes and pure psychosis. I should have let it end there. However, I just couldn't. I just couldn't understand how he could end it so COLDlY WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION. When I asked for an explanation he said, what is there to talk about?

He cannot explain this behavior any more than someone who is schizophrenic (and doesn't accept their mental disorder) explain to you why their perception of reality differs from you.

He can never explain his behavior in terms you can identify with, because you do not have the same issues as he does with respect to intimacy, relationships and fear of abandonment, etc... .  you don't have his personality disorder.  

I have heard this is most likely a fear of engulfment? I have read about it but I still don't understand the process, or the sudden ending of our relationship

What exactly are you looking for to "understand" this process?  Why he does this?  Why does he have his fear of abandonment?  Why does he have borderline personality disorder?

Do you accept that he has BPD?  :)o you accept that for a pwBPD, his experience of relationships may be very very different from your experience of relationships?

He seemed to be doing fine. Then in december he started becoming oddly emotional, depressed. He told me he went to a doctor trying to get xanax to "stop the racing bad thoughts" in his head. By christmas he had smoked pot again.

... .  He constantly told me "pot keeps me from going insane." I begged and begged him to quit. He progressively got worse to the point of dissapearing for weeks on end, having horrible rages, not bathing, wasting every last time he had, stealing from me, etc.

Here's my guess: he was using pot as a means to self-medicate from his disordered feelings.  As your relationship developed, he became more an more overwhelmed by his *imagined* fear that you would abandon him.  Rationally, he might accept that you wanted to stay with him.  But *emotionally* he kept feeling that you would suddenly disappear and he would be abandoned.  And he tried using pot to dull these disordered feelings.

But it didn't work.  Because nothing that he was doing was addressing his primary issues: his BPD.

Well, my ex BPD absolutely refused psychological treatment because in his words, "i dont want to talk about the molestation." He was molested by his father.

He may be recovering from his "substance addiction" but he is in full denial of his BPD.

It killed me because the first 3 months of our relatonship he would come to me crying and say, "I dont want to fall in to my dark place. I don't want it. I don't want it." I repeatedly asked what his dark place was. He simply responded "pot." He told me how it ruined his life. When he started acting odd, I read his private journal. In his private journal he wrote, "I left california because marijuana ruined my life. I left california because pot dictated my life. I left california because pot took all my money." He then wrote below that "Rocknut is the best boyfriend ever. I want to spend my life with him.

Sounds to me like he is blaming the pot for his problem, when I think he originally started using pot to hide his problem.  This may be the limit of what he can accept about himself.  He might not be able to accept that he has these disordered feelings when it comes to intimate relationships.  He might not be able to accept that he has BPD.

He has stolen from me, used me, degraded me every way possible with insane rages. Yet he keeps my love notes, cards, stuffed animals neatly stacked in his room. He keeps our christmas picture together on his only mirror. He has to look at me everyday. I don't get it. I am no contact now for 8 days. The last time I was at his house he beat the hell out of me. He then came to me the next day begging me to take him to the local mental hospital because "i can't control my rage." They made an appointment for tuesday(last week.) I said, "if you don't go, don't contact me again." I havn't heard from him.

My therapist really tries to focus on me instead of talking about him. We are working on why I am a codependent. But still... .  I want answers.

My suspicion is that he comes back to you, in order to avoid the possibility that he has a problem deeper than substance addiction.  So long as you are around to blame, then he can avoid taking responsibility for his own disordered thoughts/feelings.  So long as you are around for him to project his issues, he can avoid his issues.

In a sense, for pwBPD, they use relationships as their means of avoidance.  But for pwBPD, relationships (eventually) also triggered more issues, for which they use other means (i.e., substance abuse, etc... . ) to avoid facing as well.

You might consider, as someone having co-dependent traits, your focus on your BPD loved one's behavior, is also an avoidance behavior.  I do this as well.  I focus on other people's problems, as a way of avoiding facing my own problems.  And I have been with deeply unhappy people, in order to run away from my own unhappiness.

Best wishes, Schwing

[bewildered2]

schwing nailed it.

a borderline's biggest fear is being abandoned.

so he left you before you could abandon him. very simple.

that is what BPD is all about.

welcome to the insane world of BPD logic and behavior.

if you left him 20 times, he would come back. and once he thought he had you, then it was time for him to abandon you.

crazy, but that's the way these people behave.

and it never ends. the next poor girl will get the same treatment.

i feel for you. it is a horrible way to be treated. try and rememeber that it isn't personal. and it says nothing about you, and everything about him. his head doesn't work properly. it is like he is mentally handicapped.

there is nothing positive about any of this... .  just sad that people can be like this and act this way... .  but that's the way it is.

let time be a healer.

with ya,

b2   

[leftbehind]

a borderline's biggest fear is being abandoned.

so he left you before you could abandon him. very simple.

that is what BPD is all about.

welcome to the insane world of BPD logic and behavior.

I keep trying to get this into my brain.  Thank you Bewildered2.

[Lady31]

This totally trips me out.  I am not a pot smoker - never have been.  Tried it as a teenager, I am anti all drugs & rarely even have a drink.  However, I know a lot of people who have smoked pot or do smoke pot.  It seems to be a common thing. 

The thing I don't get is - do people REALLY develop this type of addiction to pot?  I have NEVER seen it.  The type of addiction you are describing I have seen people do with other drugs (pills, meth, heroin). 

[mango_flower]

Rocknut, it is all so very confusing.  And heartbreaking, because you think you have found somebody different, somebody who makes you believe in love, when you probably used to believe that love was for other people. I think this is especially true in same sex relationships (mine was one).

I don't have anything to add, but wanted to let you know I read this and I felt your pain.

I promise you it does get easier in time, and I was the LAST person to believe that when I kept being told it!

You may never understand it fully, but even getting the gist of it does help, I know.

Schwing said it all.  Schwing, your insights are truly amazing - your reply to this really helped me to understand too.  Thank you x

[Rocknut]

Sending you love, Rocknut.  You don't deserve to have anyone put their hands on you in anger.  Your ex sounds like a true danger to your mental, physical and emotional well being.  If I were you, I'd continue NC.  It gets better... .  xo

It only happened one time. It's a long story. Basically he went balistic on me one night on rage. I got up to leave. His cousin and her husband (both in their early 20s) were in the kitchen. They told us to sit at the kitchen table and talk about it. I pretty much exploded, saying everything he had done over the last 3 months.  My boyfriend would say, "leave me alone. I'm an adult." I said, "OH YOU'RE AN ADULT? YOU BLOW ALL YOUR MONEY ON POT. YOU PAWNED YOUR CAR TITLE FOR POT MONEY. YOU LAY IN BED AND KICK AND SCREAM SAYING "I HATE BEING AN ADULT."

Then I went on to say, "and what is wrong with you? You say you feel dead inside. You feel like you are empty pit. You say you feel like a lost wondering child. What the hell is wrong with you? You are crazy, not me."

When I did this he hit me for the first time. He got up from the kitchen chair, slapped me, kicked me ion the stomach, hit me in the back of the head, poured a cola over me. I got up, calmy walked to my car. As I'm leaving, I see him running toward my car, almost jumping on to my trunk... .

He showed up to my job the next day bawling, begging for forgiveness. He said, "that's never happened to me before... . with anybody... . never... . you just know how to push my buttons." He begged me to carry him to the local mental hospital. This 5/10. They made him an appointment for last tuesday. As we were leaving, we werent gone from the hospital 5 minutes when he started scolding himself for going to the hospital. He said, "you're weak for going in there... . you're weak... . you're weak."

I told him, "if you don't go to the appointment, dont contact me again." I havn't heard from him since.

[Rocknut]

3 weeks after this blow up on me he started doing marijuana heavily, everyday. The first "i need my space" blow up happened on January 7th. He started giving me the silent treatment, ignoring me, by February 7th. On February 25 he said, "This may sound cold but I have absolutely no feelings for you."

Sounds like his attachment to you, flipped on and off.

I forgot to mention a key, KEY issue I bleieve played a crucial roll in his rapid escape. He was going off in to OZ by January 7h. However, his grandfather died on January 12th. His immediatly family came in from california. I met all of his close family at a dinner on January 20th where he proudly showed me off. I met his mom on January 23rd. She told me how happy she was for both of us. She told me she was so happy I didn't do drugs... . then... . 2 days after meeting his mother I didn't hear form my boyfriend for 36 hours. He finally called and said, "not hearing your voice in 2 days made me realize how much I love you." I found out later that during this time he started "waking n baking" with pot everyday. Then by February 25th he hated me. It was pretty quick. I'm thinking me meeting the family really triggered a hard exit?

He ran away from me at 100,000 mph. I chased. The next 3 months were nothing but drug use, rages, manic episodes and pure psychosis. I should have let it end there. However, I just couldn't. I just couldn't understand how he could end it so COLDlY WITHOUT ANY EXPLANATION. When I asked for an explanation he said, what is there to talk about?

He cannot explain this behavior any more than someone who is schizophrenic (and doesn't accept their mental disorder) explain to you why their perception of reality differs from you.

He can never explain his behavior in terms you can identify with, because you do not have the same issues as he does with respect to intimacy, relationships and fear of abandonment, etc... .  you don't have his personality disorder.

He would occasionally have moments of clarity where he would say things like "I spent all my money on pot. Whats wrong with me? I have ruined my life." Then he started telling me things for the first time like "I feel dead inside. I have feelings for nobody. I want to sleep and never wake up. I don't know who I am, what I want." Another constant theme of him was saying, "I don't know what I want." He would literally kick and scream while saying that. Another constant theme was him cosntantly saying, "I don't want to be an adult." He started saying all these things after slipping in to lala land.

[Rocknut]

This totally trips me out.  I am not a pot smoker - never have been.  Tried it as a teenager, I am anti all drugs & rarely even have a drink.  However, I know a lot of people who have smoked pot or do smoke pot.  It seems to be a common thing. 

The thing I don't get is - do people REALLY develop this type of addiction to pot?  I have NEVER seen it.  The type of addiction you are describing I have seen people do with other drugs (pills, meth, heroin). 

It's very possible Lady. He pawned his car title for pot money. He blew entire checks to pay for his 200$ a week pot habbit. All he wanted to do from daylight to dark was smoke marijuana.

From what I understand it effects 1 in 10 individuals like this. Most of them have pre-existing mental disorders.

[Rocknut]

Rocknut, it is all so very confusing.  And heartbreaking, because you think you have found somebody different, somebody who makes you believe in love, when you probably used to believe that love was for other people. I think this is especially true in same sex relationships (mine was one).

I don't have anything to add, but wanted to let you know I read this and I felt your pain.

I promise you it does get easier in time, and I was the LAST person to believe that when I kept being told it!

You may never understand it fully, but even getting the gist of it does help, I know.

Schwing said it all.  Schwing, your insights are truly amazing - your reply to this really helped me to understand too.  Thank you x

Yes mango. I am from Alabama. It's not exactly the most open, liberal place to be if you are a gay man... .  Then I met my ex BPD. He came here from california. He was A GORGEOUSSSSSSSS, tall, slender, charismatic, funny, sweet, intelligent hispanic man. I had never met someone so gorgeous and charasmatic. He wasn't like the other men around here. He swept me off my feet as soon as we met. The first date we kissed. The 2nd week the word "love" was thrown around. The 4th week I was meeting family.

How did we meet? I went in the restaurant he worked at. As I got up to leave he came up to me and said, "here is a free cookie." The cookie was in a cookie bag. When I got to my car, I noticed the cookie bag had his name and number on it. I texted him. It was rapid fire after that.

He was the first REAL relationship I ever had with anybody here at 27 years old. It was so intoxicating, addicting and almost too good to be true... .  because it was... .

I have all sorts of issues. I found out through therapy I am a hardcore codependent. I suffered from depression in highschool. I balooned up to 400 pounds. I lost all my weight in my early 20s. I'm now 180 pounds. However, my self esteem was destroyed. I was always too shy to date. I was too shy to go around people. I was a virgin when I met this guy... . but oh... . he put me in such a comfortable place... . that i felt i could do anything with him... . and be myself

There were warning signs all over the place. He came to me like the 3rd week of dating to tell me, "my father molested me... . but its my fault because I went back for me."... .  "i molested a 5 year old when I was 11."... . Then he started writing me love notes that said, "I was a lost lonely child wandering in the darkness before I met you. You are my knight, my savior." Looking back I should have run away at light speed... .  But I wanted to believe I had met my soul mate... .  [/quote]

[leftbehind]

When I did this he hit me for the first time. He got up from the kitchen chair, slapped me, kicked me ion the stomach, hit me in the back of the head, poured a cola over me. I got up, calmy walked to my car. As I'm leaving, I see him running toward my car, almost jumping on to my trunk... .

It truly doesn't matter what you said.  I'm sure he said some choice words to you, too.  Words are words, they are not slaps, kicks and punches.  Even angry words are just words.  You didn't deserve this, no matter what was said.  You need to absorb that, Rocknut.  The fact that you would even try to explain away his behavior by citing what you said tells me your self esteem is damaged.  I get it, mine is too from my childhood.  But no-one deserves to even have a soda poured over their head, let alone hit. 

[Rocknut]

well obviously a sane person would have no excuse.

I was trying to say what I said about his obvious bizzare BPD brought out a rage from him. I didn't think about it. But in a way I was making an excuse.

[bewildered2]

He said, "that's never happened to me before... . with anybody... . never... . you just know how to push my buttons."

I told him, "if you don't go to the appointment, dont contact me again." I havn't heard from him since.

The fact is that he knows how to push your buttons. He has studied you intently, and that's how he knows.

You havent heard from him because you finally

set a boundary. Borderlines dont like boundaries.

Hang in there, and stay away from him. He is abusive. And he will hurt you more if you let him.

Remember, the more s__t you take, the more you'll get.

b2

[Lady31]

Wow Rocknut - I was totally unaware that pot could have that serious of an impact on people.

Reading more of your story, I would add that it is probably even HARDER for you to let the idea of this man go. I would think the fact that he was your first sexual partner, and on top of that the complexity of it from what you described.  (Being gay in an area where it is not so openly accepted which probably makes it much harder to meet other potential partners making it more likely for someone with other issues like codependency to settle.)

I am sorry you have gone through all this.  You deserve much better and should absolutely cut this guy loose and move on.

Note: I noticed my H became MUCH more threatening when it appeared something about him may be revealed that would "shame" him in front of other people.  This, I think, it what sets them off more than anything.  It sounds like that was what was happening when you were saying those things in front of his family.

[whereisthezen]

Rocknut,

Lots of good advice here from others.  Just wanted to wish you comfort in this difficult time of healing and understanding.

Schwing said "A key difference between them and us, is that while our attachment to them changed only slightly, their attachment to us, flipped off and on (maybe more than once)." add in substances, untreated illness and anger and you can begin to see that maybe the "fight or flight" response kicks in and they run because their pain or actions are too much to bear. It's the only option that's immediate, a form of relief, possibly soothing to a manic sense of love and fear.

There's a lot of good advice on your thread. Take time out for you to see what would have been a response that would have been acceptable to you from a partner leaving. Don't lose sight of what you expect, what you need in a relationship, beginning or ending. It will help with boundaries and healing and help you move through your thoughts and emotions.

Good luck to you.

[Rocknut]

Something happened with my exbfBPD that i've never really read about on this board or anywhere else. Please read:

It seemed like he was trying to fight the BPD off? He called me before he started smoking pot again, right before christmas, saying he was at a local clinic trying to get Prozak. I told him a walk in clinic was not going to give him prozak. Then I asked what he needed prozak for. He said, "to stop the horrible racing thoughts in my head. He often used the word RACING. I swear he felt this coming. He continuously came to me before he got really, uh, "sick", and said, "I don't want my dark place to ruin us." Initially I thought the "dark place" was pot. Is it possible he could feel the horrible abandonment fears and alter personalities coming?

The most difficult part for me was watching him change. Oh no, he didn't just soley dump me. He didn't just become a monster. He changed. His face, his demeanor, his voice, everything changed. It's almost like his body was taken over by an alien force.  For a while I thought maybe schizophrenia? But no, I'm certain it's BPD.

His face literally become blank, emotionless, almost becoming an empty shell. This scared me the most. I will never forgot the first time I saw this face after he got "sick". I surprised him at work after I hadn't heard from him for 3 days. He came out to my car. He couldnt even look me in the eye his face was so blank, his mouth just hanging. "I need my space" he said in a monotone voice. I did read on a list of BPD symptoms on various websites that facial changes such as a "blank face" is a symptom.

I'm certain this has happened to him in the past. When I asked about past relationships he simply said, "oh... . I'd not like to talk about them."... . Then later on he would say, "they ran away from me." Now I know he ran away from them. I'm wondering if he has been through this process so many times that he felt the SICKNESS coming?

[leftbehind]

my ex had a blank face too when he broke up with me (he did it by email, but I went up to his house to confront him).  he didn't even seem or look like the same person.  it really freaked me out.  it was one of the ways I knew there was some mental illness there.  it was surreal.

[Lady31]

Mine would seem like a totally different person as well.

However, in your situation, I think it is possible that he relapsed, and that is why he freaked out.  I have seen other drug addicts do this.

And when you went up to his work, he was probably MIA a few days because he already relapsed and had been using on those days and the shame causes them to avoid you on all levels.  They are terrified you can tell they have been using by looking at them.

[Rocknut]

Wow Rocknut - I was totally unaware that pot could have that serious of an impact on people.

Reading more of your story, I would add that it is probably even HARDER for you to let the idea of this man go. I would think the fact that he was your first sexual partner, and on top of that the complexity of it from what you described.  (Being gay in an area where it is not so openly accepted which probably makes it much harder to meet other potential partners making it more likely for someone with other issues like codependency to settle.)

I am sorry you have gone through all this.  You deserve much better and should absolutely cut this guy loose and move on.

Note: I noticed my H became MUCH more threatening when it appeared something about him may be revealed that would "shame" him in front of other people.  This, I think, it what sets them off more than anything.  It sounds like that was what was happening when you were saying those things in front of his family.

YES, it's been particularly hard. He has treated me horrible after he went off the deep end 3 months ago. But I kept going back for more, and more, hoping the old man I knew would magically reappear. I just thought I had met my soul mate in Alabama, something I thought would never happened. Then he vanished for no good reason, no closure. If he would have came to me and said: im cheating on you, or im tired of you, or (x y z), that would have broken my heart. But I would have a reason to move on. I have just been left dangling over a cliff with no explanation. It has killed me completely.

Yes, I am codependent. Your theory  is correct. I'm scared to death that I will continue to latch on to BPDs, or other people with mental disabilities. My therapist says I attract them, ugh.

[leftbehind]

 

If he would have came to me and said: im cheating on you, or im tired of you, or (x y z), that would have broken my heart. But I would have a reason to move on. I have just been left dangling over a cliff with no explanation.

same thing happened to me.

[almost789]

Rocknut, I had the same thing happen to me. The "cut off" break up out of no where for no reason. One second you are the best thing that has ever happened to them, the next day. Poof... . over. Not only over, your not even worth talking too. I searched and searched for answers. I could not move on without answers. I wanted him to really tell me to " F off" so I could say he was a complete A hole and to drop it. He wouldn't, wouldn't even respond to me for many weeks and when he did respond, still no answers just more confusion. Wishy washy statements NO ONE could figure out what they meant. I remember telling him I feel like the girl in the movie cliff hanger, at the begining. Felt like he dropped me off a cliff and left me there screaming help and he walked away without a thought. It was WEIRD! NEVER have I experienced anything like it in my life.

I kept searching for answers and I found them in an understanding of his disorder. If you don't plan to spend months and months studying, and researching BPD for your answers, just move on. He's ill, and sounds like in deep denial with no plans whatso ever to want help.

[leftbehind]

SummerT321, I have the exact same story as you.  No abuse, just incredible closeness and then - KAPLOW!  Relationship is over, without rhyme, reason, or explanation.

[almost789]

So many of us have the exact same story! I can't tell you how many "cut off" stories I've read.

[Good Intentions]

@Schwing - THANK YOU FOR THIS

First of all, it's not they "will do anything and everything to keep from being alone", it's they will do anything and everything to keep from being *abandoned.*  There is a key difference...and their problem is that more often than not, their feelings that they will be "abandoned" comes from their disordered thinking and not so much from our actions and behaviors.  And these disordered feelings escalate, to the point that in spite of us telling them we have zero intention of leaving them, they do the only thing they can do to avoid this imagined abandonment: they leave first, they abandon us

Also, this sentence jumped off the page and smacked me in the face -

He can never explain his behavior in terms you can identify with, because you do not have the same issues as he does with respect to intimacy, relationships and fear of abandonment, etc... .  you don't have his personality disorder.

As simple & obvious & true as I know the above statement to be, it's still hard to wrap my head around. I often said that I understood & accepted my ex-pwBPD's illness, but did I truly accept that she simply doesn't think like me? And if so, why would I think that I could apply "rational" thinking / my definitions of love, commitment, and a healthy relationship to one involving her disorder?

Sometimes it seems like it's just as hard for the non-pwBPD to "radically accept" the reality of the situation.