Things are better

[Gorges]

Hello,
I haven't posted for awhile. My daughter has been away at college and that was a good learning experience for her.  She got into conflicts with people but learned that she was the source of it and it was her problem.   She actually had to move dorms because of a conflict with someone in her hallway.   When she lived at home we always had to accept her crazy behavior, unlike the real world, so she was not truly motivated to change and blamed us (more specifically me) for her behavior.

One breaking point was this summer when I realized the my husband might continue indefinitely to have her live with us and abuse me and my son.  I decided that it was not worth trying to keep the marriage together if it meant living with my abusive daughter.  With that finely a reality, my husband did decide to go to therapy and thank God we found a good therapist.  We worked on a contract for our daughter while she lived in our house.  So, our disagreement in how to parent her was part of her problem.

We had moments of peace all Fall while she was gone.  She game back for Thanksgiving and left to go back to her dorm within a few days because she broke the contract.   When she came back for Christmas she was much more pleasant to live with.

I dropped her back off at her dorm last night . I saw her change from happy and easy going to difficult and negative probably because of the anxiety of moving back into the dorm.  But, I didn't fix it for her.  I walked away and she said that she was just going to go to sleep and not unpack.  I said goodbye and left.

I have found keeping my distance, not trying to fix her and truly letting go has helped me.  But, this would be impossible if she was living with us.  Next step is trying to figure out what she can do this summer so she doesn't live with us.

My husband and I are both in agreement that her not living with us is a source of growth for her because the consequences do not come from us but the rest of the world.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamGirl]

Wow, it sounds like you've come a long way!

What options would there be for her to live somewhere else over the summer?

Summer courses? 

Your paying for her dorm over the summer?