Anger at differing views, accusations of dishonesty

[ElinorD]

Does this happen to other people? When I express a different opinion than my uBPDh, he gets angry, argues with me, and is contemptuous. When I keep my mouth shut about my differing opinions because they aren't worth the conflict in daily life, like political opinions or whether I like a movie, and then he finds out I didn't tell him I felt this way, he thinks our relationship is a lie and he doesn't know me.

I'm a don't rock the boat person, so I have kept a lot to myself for many years. Plus I tried to see things from his perspective, too much, so that I didn't know what I thought. Extreme people pleasing.

Now I'm maturing and striving for authenticity. But when I like something he doesn't (just something pop culture or art) or have a different opinion on a social issue and say so, he's so enraged that I want to crawl back into a hole.

How do you handle this?

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[Five28]

Someone who becomes enraged at something so silly as pop culture is probably not going to get better. My BPD wife can become enraged quite easily as well, but fortunately it has not gotten so bad that something like that has triggered her. I imagine it's only a matter of time though. You seem to be in a no win situation. Can't disagree or risk enraging him, can't keep your opinion to yourself or have the same outcome. Seems to me that this will be your life unless he seeks help, you learn to avoid the triggers that set him off, or simply leave the relationship for your own sanity.

[Lockjaw]

I think they have a hard time with the concept that two people can have different opinions about something, and neither is wrong, or right.

And I think if they have an opinion and yours is different, then it makes them a bad person, because they think that anyway.

What I have started saying is " I FEEL " when talking about things like you mentioned. Your feelings are real, and true. It's not a lie, its how YOU FEEL. He can feel differently, and neither is wrong.

I also think they like to argue. So when something like this starts to go south, I say a couple of things. IF they are accusing me of something, I say " I can't defend myself " and say nothing else. I haven't blamed anyone, I just made a statement.

If I can see its going south, I say something to the effect that I need to stop discussing this matter. If I keep discussing it, I can tell its not going to end well for me. I am not mad or upset at you.

If they keep on, then I have to end the phone call, or say I need to take a break to clear my head.

[ElinorD]

Those are great suggestions. Thank you!

[Tattered Heart]

My H does this ALL the time. He claims he enjoys debating and talking about controversial subjects, but if my view doesn't line up with his, he goes for the jugular. If my view is different then I have to "prove" or "defend" my position in order for him to accept that it's ok for me to have that opinion.

Mostly I just don't share my opinion with him. When he wants to talk about these things, often my response is, "I don't know. What do you think?" Because really, he doesn't care what I think. He just wants to share his opinion and "be right". Most of the time it seems to work.

[ElinorD]

Okay, it is nice to know someone else deals with this. 

I have been trying to learn that even if I can't convince someone (mostly him) that my opinion is valid, I can still hold that opinion. It's still valid. They don't have to share it, and they haven't taken away my reasons for feeling that way just because I can't defend myself in debate. I'm not a debater.

It's kind of sad that I'm only realizing this after all these years.

I think part of my h's strong reaction is fear. Fear that we don't share values. (Honestly I'm worried about that, too.) Fear that if I like things he doesn't that he won't be interesting to me and I'll want someone different. Even fear that my interest sometimes is actually in other men, when I admire a writer or actor (non-physically), especially if they're of another race. He's always looking for clues that I think he's not good enough or that someone else different from him is awesome.