How can I get my daughter understand her condition?

[Kat816]

Hi there,

Through the course of a few years we finally were told that my 16 year old daughter has character traits of borderline as well as self issues (hates her self) and self harming and possibly some depression.  It has escalated over the month of Dec.  We tried to reduce her school work for her as she thought it might help.  Then she stopped going to school. Her school counselor has been a great support and found ways to try and help her deal and keep in school. She just wasn't responding or wanting to hear any of it and has now quit.
Her plan was to work on her self and find a job.  She is now back in the DBT program through are Child and Ministry of Health.

Due to the latest issues I am now off work to try and get her back on track and in a safe place.  Things still are not stable with her and is a daily struggle to keep her on track. She now has more time on her hands and she is currently looking for work and spends a lot of time in bed these days.  I know this is a slow process but feel she is just going through the motions and I can't seem to get her to understand why she feels the way she does so she can help herself. 

Does anyone have any ideas as how I can get her to realize she has this problem and she really needs to try to help herself.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamGirl]

Hi Kat816,

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time with your daughter.

I understand the not wanting to go to school. Is that a short term coping skill or a long term one? Does she plan to return? Is on-line school an option? GED?

I only ask because goals can help in this. Getting from point A to B - but just taking a different route, but still getting to B.

Is the DBT program that she's attending the only source she's using? Does she have a therapist?

Sorry for all the questions. 

Welcome to our family. 

~DG

[Kat816]

Thanks for responding. I don't know if it's short term or long term?  She says one thing and then does not follow through.  She said she looked at taking GED as a possible way to finish and get her High School Diploma.  All promises but ends up being broken promises.  She does things to please me but not trying to do it for herself yet.

Right now she is not sticking to things and getting into her bad habits again.  She is just restarting the DBT but she won't even fill out a small form each day that identifies how she is feeling and amount of sleep she is getting.  This week she meets 2 times  to go through the work and then another for the skills.  Waiting to see how she does.

She wants to connect, make new friend as that was always an issue having no one to hang out with other than guys that just take advantage of her.  So I found this support group that meet each month and the youths go out on outings and then dinner.  It's for all kinds of issues, like anxiety, depression, social skills etc.  Thought this would be great but just trying to let me tell her was a feat in itself.  Then she came to me to say " I don't know what you want from me".  Wow that was tough to come up with an answer to. I said well I thought from our discussions you wanted to get out more be able to socialize and make new friends, whether through a job or another venue?

So struggling with this right now. I am off work due to this and trying to get her in a safe place before I have to go back to work but not sure it will happen soon enough.  She just wants to do drugs, hang out with the wrong guys that provide this. Going back to an old relationship that is not good for her and only led to the spiral we have seen in the last month.  We are now weening her off of fluoxetine (prozac) been on for 6 months and does not appear to really be helping and I think it has caused more suicidal thoughts, lack of concentration etc. At first it helped with her anger (anxiety) but that has come back now.  Thinking of trying some natural products for her in a month once this clears out of her system.

I asked about therapy on the side but they said that could send mixed signals. I can understand that but DBT is not a one on one about asking how you are what is bothering you.  It is more structured.

Any advice would really be appreciated

[Lollypop]

Hi there kat816

I wanted to welcome you the the forum. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with all of this right now. I really admire your commitment to your daughter by taking time off work to try and get things in place for her.

My BPDs is 26. At 15 he started to push out, hang out with the wrong crowds. He finally got diagnosed at 24 and that's when things started to turn around. It's s mixture of him maturing, us wanting him back home and commitment hard work on our part. To be the parents he needs.

My advice is to get reading about BPD on here. The more you learn the better you understand her challenges and limitations. You'll be realistic in your expectations of her.

I understand now that my BPDs cannot multi task, can only think about one thing at a time, finds it incredibly difficult to motivate himself, has a thing about routines and times, obsessional about healthy foods but contradicts that with smoking and drugs. He's in pain and has racing thoughts. Normal day to day challenges can be overwhelming. He found managing money almost impossible. He has a hole he can't fill. He has felt like a square trying to fit in a round while.

Our expectations and hopes slowly over the years went one by one. It's been frustrating and very painful to watch as he's highly intelligent, caring and eloquent but he'll most probably never feel fulfilled in his working life. He tried very hard to please us but he could never meet our expectations. All we did was criticise and judge. This is hardly a nurturing environment!

That was then. We do things differently now.

Better communication skills are vital. These have helped us build a better relationship with him. Listening most of the time. I got to using and practising validation skills and they work like magic. I keep my statements very short and simple when I need him to do something.

Your daughter asked you "what do you want from me?"

Maybe she's feeling overwhelmed.

You've said she's lonely but she's left school. What was it about that school that was a problem for her?

What does your daughter enjoy doing at school, if anything?

I learnt the hard way. You sound like an amazing mom that is determined to learn how best to help your daughter. She's 16 and you've got a real opportunity here to improve your lives.

You can't change someone else's behaviour.

You can only change your own and how you react to her.

I encourage you to start your work. Read. Create a nurturing environment. Improve your relationship with your daughter.
This is long term and there's no quick fixes.

I look forward to reading your posts. Feel free to vent, ask questions. There's many here with teenage daughters in similar situations.

Take care of yourself.

L

[Kat816]

Hi,

Thanks for sharing with me you story and struggles.  My husband and I have learned about validating last year and it has helped.  I know when to leave a conversation when my daughter is not approachable.  Leaving is best and things stay calmer.  She will then come talk with me or apologize for her actions later when she is calmer.

I agree one thing at a time.  We don't try to overwhelm her, she does this on her own.  I think she takes things far to out of context and we see that.  We try to explain to her that what she thought she heard was not necessarily the case. We try to use the baby steps to prepare her for things, like... .how about taking a part time job for the summer.  Will give you something to do so your not board, learn skills, maybe meet new people and can be added to your school credits (at that time when she was still in school).

She hates everything about school (black and white thinking) cool kids, need to be in with people. She finds she just gets used when she thinks she might be making a new connection, has been let down in her eyes.   I can understand her frustration and we do talk about it. It is about the hope she needs to keep going. Now she feels giving up is just better as she doesn't have to bother with anything.

This is where we are right now.  Trying to get her to hope again, to have another positive door open for her if  she would just take the chance again.  She's a bit aimless right now.  I believe this is due to her last boyfriend and the split up. She saw things in him. We tried to be there and agreed with some of things she felt were not right.  She tried to talk with him about it but then it got worse and she called it off.

This was at the end of Nov. Then in Dec. she started talking with him again which led her to believe things were worked out between them.  The last 3 days she has been trying to meet with him, return a few things she has and see what happens. So far he has made excuses and brought her to tears yesterday over it.  If we can get her past this then maybe we can get her  back on track but she is taking this really hard.  As well she has no one to talk with anymore. I believe due to the fact she was not listening to what some of her internet friends were trying to tell her, help her.

She is not into sports, has learnt to play guitar but rarely plays anymore. She has been in a depressive state, lots of suicidal thoughts and had to take her to hospital last month.  I think she has improved a bit but still not there yet.  She needs to find her purpose.  We suggest possible ideas but not interested. She doesn't even know what she likes to do, she usually goes with the flow of others. 

Thanks again for your support and thoughts  

[wendydarling]

Hi Kat816 and welcome

Kat I'm sorry for what you’re dealing with and your young daughter is struggling. You’re doing great, and I appreciate it feels something like a jig saw puzzle, well that’s how it’s felt for me, I’m sure I could describe it better further down the path. Acceptance and understanding the condition I think may come in different ways and times and some deny like Lollypop’s son, we are trying to be the best we can eg as LP says when the conversation opens up gently remind treatment is there and available. I'm sure others can share their experiences.

Has your daughter read any books about BPD, it helped my then 26yrdaughter following diagnosis. My DD  read Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder: Relieve Your Suffering Using the Core Skill of Dialectical Behavior Therapy by Blaise A. Aguirre.  DD read it in one sitting and told me ‘that’s me’, she related to what was written, she felt validated, accepted, she was not alone.  It was the right book for her to read and it provided me the opportunity to buy books, validate her journey and mine to gain knowledge.  We have a book shelf we share, open to all friends and family who visit and borrow. I recognise how difficult it is for your young DD, all the expectations on teenagers and their aspirations, mix in BPD and co-morbid eg depression it’s confusing and exhausting!

In addition to the lessons, skills group you describe am I right your DD is not receiving a one hour session with a DBT therapist, or have I read this incorrectly? DBT therapist is a key element to the treatment, with firstly working on suicidal thoughts, holding to account to achieve goals and importantly there to provide support how to manage, prevent a crisis (it’s worked twice for my daughter). My 28DD lives at home and attends DBT weekly (since May 16) I have seen lows (negative thoughts) and highs (positive engagement) in her commitment to DBT though she’s very rarely missed a session. 

Depression is the pits, it’s a biggie for my DD, its key she manages it through meds otherwise life, hope, and DBT simply does not happen for her. It continues to be a challenge getting the right meds right, she’s on her third change, the good news is each change is moving in the right direction, another ray of golden light. I can understand you exploring natural products, we considered too I could not find a specialist that understood BPD or had ever prescribed. How does your DD feel about medication, does she see it as a route to helping her, despite her experience of fluoxetine.

Its small steps as you say and I have learnt the road is not linear, I supported my daughter’s decision at Christmas to give up work for 3-6 months with a view to concentrating on DBT and recovery. We went out today and she mentioned she has two pages of homework to do before tomorrow and I thought of you and asked how’s it going, she said most of the homework is practicing skills and reporting back verbally how it went. Sometimes it’s hard to write, it’s easier to talk.

How long have you taken off work Kat?

WDx

[Kat816]

Hi Wendy,

I only have the one child.  She just had 2 appointments last week with DBT.  I had to take her in her P.J's as she did not want to go and fought me all the way there.  She's not following through filling out her daily chart on how she is feeling.  She meets once a week with the therapist, which she says she does not like.  I think because she feels he does not really care about her. She meets with another therapist for the skills in the same week.  This is the second attempt with DBT.  But she is in a worse place.

She has several issues, so not sure which one is controlling her the most right now.  Could be depression, or it could be just feeling sad about everything.  She really hates her self and says it all the time in ways to us and to people she talks with through the internet.  Must be hard for them to hear her say she is dumb and is a piece of poop.  She will come down from her her room to say I am dying, or I am bored.  She researches stuff off the internet regarding suicide and now talks about how you can make your own meth.  She isn't working or really looking too much right now, so no money. We are trying to keep her away from this guy that feeds her drugs, acid, mushrooms.  He has his issues too, bipolar and self medicates.  He manipulates her.  He was told not to come around and we told her as well and not to see him.  He keeps texting her and she replies back.  Not good stuff and which it would stop but I understand.  She has no one else to talk to right now.  We as parents are just not what she needs.  She knows we will always love her but needs that outside connection from peers.

Before she would be open to ideas but in her mind it always fails so why try is where she is at? I am giving DBT another week or 2 to see if she is really applying or just going through the motions. I am off right now until the end of Feb.  I even told her that this would be a good time if she wanted to get things done I would be free but after that it would be not as easy, no response to that.

I am trying to get her into a monthly club right now which she said no but still going ahead with it.  The teens are 13-17 and she is 16 almost 17 so not sure if she will relate with younger as she always seems to go towards older teens. Yesterday she said fine she would go, I think because it is what I want her to do.

I know she wants to please us but at the same time she doesn't know what she wants other than all the bad stuff, drugs, relationships that consume her and falls apart and tends to mold into that type of person.

I have always been able to talk with her and she should would try but now there is no more try. Resorts to  her bed all the time.   I am hoping she will get tired of that which she is but hasn't pulled herself up yet or try to put a plan in action. She's always in a hurry for everything and can't seem to wait or understand it take times for change. She says she's lazy.

The therapist at DBT said not to put her into other therapy.  I was told the same by someone else as it might be too much for her. But my gut tells me she needs more right now.  She needs to talk to someone about her feelings so she can move on.  I would inform about her issues and that she is taking DBT so they don't interfere with this but give her the added support and connection that someone is listening to her. DBT is about working on the issues not really talking a whole lot on how she is feeling about things.

I am meeting with my doctor tomorrow for me but will let her know what is happening and that I think she needs round the clock care as an in patient at the Chrildren's Hospital here.  They also do DBT so if she  was omitted she could continue on.  They also have other therapy as well CBT.  I just don't think she can do it for herself right now.

She does not like to read she said.  Could also be an issue with concentrating as she found English getting hard and said last year she thought she might have a problem as she could not read the novels but went online to watch videos instead.  Sometimes I wonder if there is more going on other than the border line and the self hate she has?  Lots of information so much could put her into other categories.  I think the doctor she saw and the one at the hospital was not enough time to evaluate her.  She needs at least a few meetings so they really understand where she is coming from and the fact she does not always tell the truth about things.  This why I also like to have a follow up with them.  I have one schedule next week and hope she keeps the appointment. This is the psychiatrist who put her on the meds last year and hasn't seen her since. She is through the Ministry and is always away so we continued to go to our regular doctor for renewal on her medication.  She was on them for 6 months and she will be off them tomorrow.  I don't wan't to put her back on anything right now.  I want to see how she is not being on anything. If systems of anger get worse then I will look into it some more.  At the same time I will find out what else is avail.  I was told Zoloft.

My husband does not really have too many people to talk to.  It is hard for him as she has his own issues but I let him know how well he is handling it.  He is good with putting things into perspective so when I get stumped he talks with my daughter and supports what we are trying to do.

I am even thinking if she does not find work, not sure if she can handle that right now maybe I should tell her to go back to school ,take a few classes, work at her own pace to fill in some time.  I told her she is bored as she has no more structure in her life.  But that is what she is doing, becoming more destructive to her self to the point nothing is left and then the scary stuff will start.

Thank you for listening and sorry for the rambling.

Kat


Kat

 

[Kat816]

Hi there,

Just an update on how things are with my daughter.  We have her off of her medication, fluoxetine. It has been a week now and see a bit of an improvement.  She has been keeping her DBT appointments. We drive her right now but hope she will take the transit when I go back to work.  She was going in her p.j's but now has improved upon her attire when she goes.  Yesterday she was actually in an okay mood after her appointment and said it was a good talk with her counselor.  First time she has ever acknowledge a positive outcome.  She is now filling out her daily feeling chart each day compared to before when she didn't bother with it.

We have also had a few conversations about maybe going back to school.  She is getting bored at home, no work as of yet.  I met with her school counselor to get all the information I need when and if the time comes to let her know her options.  Her DBT counselor is also taking her to a school called Power, here in Canada.  It is designed for youths with different emotional and anxiety issues.  There are roughly a 100 youths attend compared to 600 youths in a regular high school.  The class is structured differently and more relaxed and the course structure works around them and they have support services on hand as well.


Waiting to see how she feels about this place and about the extra travel time for her.  Good thing is the transit drops her off 2 blocks from the school.  I think she may like this better as she would start fresh with no one knowing her and that she knows there are others that have similar issues.   Our goal is to find a way that will work best for her so she will finish grade 11 and then grade 12 next year.  I hope we have a plan worked out before I go back to work at the end of February.

Each day is still up and down but hope she will have more up days moving forward.  I also have her now signed up with a youth program once a month where they go out for entertainment, then a bite to eat.  They showed her the plans for the next few months and she was excited as they had extreme trampolines, movies, and outdoor hiking planned.  Also she knows the rest of the youths have issues with anxiety, social issues and they are understanding and would make her feel more comfortable to be around.

Can't wait to see how she likes this, it starts on Feb. 16 and is once a month.  She could make new connections and maybe a new friend.  She can also after she is 18 volunteer with the outings as she can only stay in this program till she is 17 and when she is 18 she can't be in the group anymore. This gives her a year to have some good positive things in her life and she may wan't to even volunteer as she can use this towards school credits.

It still is a day to day challenge but we are making some small steps which hopefully will keep her going and resolve the depressing and suicidal thoughts she has had in the past few months.  Trying to keep her away from drugs and this guy that keeps enabling her but only so much we can do.  I think once she gets back into a routine and finds better avenues this guy will be dust in the wind.

Thanks for listening and hope to here others that are making some headway as well.

[wendydarling]

Hi Kat

It's so heartening to hear your daughter responding even though days are up and down, making  small steps and many of them from what you describe. The resources and support you've found sound so fitting, I have my fingers crossed your daughter finds them engaging and welcoming, it's so important they know they are not alone and as you say better avenues to explore and people to meet than drug dealers  . Which reminds me to say my 28daughter mentioned a weekly Monday BPD / DBT forum where people from all over the world share their DBT experiences, it sounded like a positive experience for her so I'll ask her more about it and if suitable and well moderated share with the forum to see if anyone else's loved one has used the site.

I quite fancy the youth programme activities myself 

Day by day Kat and I hope today is an up one.

WDx

[Yepanotherone]

Hi Kat I just wants to say a quick hello and to say I had to double check your posts because I thought I might be reading about my own daughter ! My DD turned 17 on Tuesday . I had taken the day off work to spend some quality time together but she had other plans . She told me she was going out with a new friend . I had my suspicions and followed her , and found to my peril she was indeed seeing her ex boyfriend again ( who feeds her drugs - marijuana , acid and schrooms , he's been cyber bullying her and threatening to slash our car tyres apparently! Lovely chap! So instead of the nice day I had planned , we ended up arguing , she refused to come home , I filed a runaway report ,then she finally agreed to come home screaming and swearing of course.
It was a terrible day . We have had 16 months of utter hell with her  on Tuesday I finally broke down as I watched her jump into her boyfriends car. I'd seriously had enough . Felt like a complete failure . I called the state child welfare in absolute tears and told them I need help as everything we have tried so far is not working and my DD is heading nicely towards delinquency . I began the process of filing a report for " child in need of services " under youth conflict . I then told my DD what I had done . I congratulated her for finally breaking me . Told her " congratulations , you win . You'll get your way . We as a family can't do this anymore . You want emancipated ? Well let us help you with that . You're our daughter and we'll always love you and you will always be welcome in our home . But not while you are hell bent on disobeying simple boundaries we have in place to keep you safe . And not while we can't feel safe in our home for fear of you and who you will bring into our home " a lot more was said ( and a very very long and detailed story about last couple of months events goes hand in hand with this ) , but her actions on Tuesday including pushing me at the door and cursing and swearing because I'd caught her out in more lies , was just the straw that broke the camels back .
Strangely enough , it seems that realizing how far she has pushed us to the point where we are now seriously considering involving the State , seems to have made her stop and think . We shall see how the next few weeks go . But I never lose hope that something will finally click in her mind .
My DD is up in court next month for possession of marijuana . I'll be calling the district attorney before her appearance and giving him lots of background info . I want her to actually get a reality check and have the court actually scare her a bit . Got to try and nip this recreational drugs thing in the bud before it gets worse !
Anyway sorry for my ramblings just wanted to say I'm right there with yah ! 

[wendydarling]

Yikes Yep, and we are right here with you too.   I'm sorry for the ringer of a terrible day you had and you were left to take action you'd never envisage in a million years. But as you say... .

Strangely enough , it seems that realizing how far she has pushed us to the point where we are now seriously considering involving the State , seems to have made her stop and think .

I hope your DD is able to take a step forward and work with you, any progress on finding an RTC?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kat816]

Hi there,

Just an update on how things are going.  I have now setup a therapist for my daughter.  I had provided them a long letter by email detailing back to when she was in grade school for background information.  They said I could do this and thought it was a great idea as my daughter does not like me to talk about her in private to anyone, she doesn't even want any of my family members to know what is going on with her.

They called to let me know they thought the younger therapist (30ish) would  be better as they wanted to make sure she had a good connection, which is so important for her.  They also said the therapist that I selected (50ish) who has 30 years experience in DBT and other areas that my daughter needs help in with will collaborate with the other therapist.  I was very happy about this as it gives dual coverage.  Also the lady that has all the DBT her husband runs the DBT center here in BC.  They also wanted me to get her on a waiting list for a very thorough evaluation at the DBT center as they may request it after her initial visit.  I have already done this and the wait time could be up to 8 months. With paper work and all the questions they asks it takes about 3 hours at a cost of $380.00 that is not covered by our plan but well worth it as I feel a second opinion would be very helpful.  They analyze all the data then form a report and let us know their diagnosis and what they recommend.  We also get a copy of the report as well. 


We were to have an appointment yesterday but the therapist was sick so now we go next Tuesday (Valentines Day).  My daughters birthday is the day before... .fyi.  I can't tell you how much better I feel and my motivation to do more just by getting this setup as I feel talk therapy is what she really needs and I know she connects to it.  The key is finding the right place and the right person.  This place has made me fell more assured than other places we tried as they really talk to you to find out a lot before you even go in to see them right from the first phone call.  Not like other places where they just take your name, book an appointment with who ever they have.  I can't afford for this to go wrong as when it does it is just another let down for my daughter and makes the next time even more challenging for her to go.


Unfortunately our Ministry of Child and Mental Health here is not very good in my opinion and is all about  protocol that youths fall between the cracks.  The meeting I had with the Psychiatrist who initially prescribed my daughter with fluoxetine (prozac) did not go well.  I asked about second counselling for my daughter and she told me that she didn't advise it as it could interfere with her DBT.  Well sorry but I am still going ahead with it and not letting the know about it as they may kick her out of the counselling through them.  I even asked about having he placed somewhere in hospital program but first she said she didn't know of anywhere? Really because I did?  Then when I mentioned a few places she said, well they probably would not take , guessing that she was not not enough? GRRR... .I said well are we waiting till she commits suicide? then she replied, well she is resisting, guess she figured I couldn't argue with that. I really could of told her where to shove that but instead I resorted to saying how frustrating this system is. Well  we won't be seeing her again and my daughter has been off the medication now for 5 weeks, 3 weeks was a ween off period.  I think there is a difference in how she is, for the better.

We have had good days where I have gotten her out to shovel snow. We repainted her room and got her a new bed etc.  Something I wanted to do for awhile but every time I mentioned it she didn't want anything done. She was a big help and I heard her tell someone she felt proud of herself.  Of course it is short lived but anything is better and hope for more days like this.

On the down side she also went out last with this guy I have mentioned in the past that has his own issues and feeds her with drugs.  Last week she said she was going to hang out.  Of course we told her in the past we don't want her to have anything to do with him but they keep texting and now she was telling me she was going to hang out with him.  I told her what time to come home and she was a 1/2 hour late. I mentioned it the next day but did not make a big deal out of it.  This week she asked if she could go instead of telling me. I did not acknowledge it was okay because of course I am not okay with it as I know there will be some form of drugs and sex that goes along with them hanging out. I did tell her what time to be home but just had feeling she wasn't coming home that night.  An hour after she was to be home I texted her but she did not answer . I went to bed and then woke up and it was 3 am and she still wasn't home so I texted her again, no answer.  It wasn't till the next morning when I mentioned about the therapist appointment that she responded. I asked when are you coming home and you should of been home last night. She replied: I don't know.  Well I had to walk away from my phone as I was ready to give her an text full () but of course I didn't.  Finally at 5 pm she called to ask me to pick her up at the sky train.  I asked why he didn't drive her home, she replied; he was too tired (good grief) what a piece of work this guy is. I could even hear in her voice that she was going to cry.  I wen't and picked her up and she was in a really bad mood and of course we had an argument and she said I always think she is doing drugs with him.  I know when I am right as she gets real mad at me. I dropped the conversation and let her get home take her shower etc and relax. Then she made a few comments again and I didn't say to much and things calmed down. She ate, went to her room and listened to music and fell asleep early as she was up most of the night with him before and I myself did not get much sleep and fell asleep early as well.  Well today she spent most of her day sleeping till 1:30 pm. I got her up to eat with us.  I guess she said she was having a bad headache all day and didn't feel well, I wonder why?  but told her to take extra strength aspirin and see how it goes. Then this evening she asked if she could go out with him again! This time I said no, you not feeling well and we have freezing rain advisory so not a good idea.  Well she didn't go but she went to bed turned out her lights and there she is for the rest of the night.

I hate when she does drugs and it makes her moods more unstable.  She does have a DBT appointment tomorrow so I hope we don't battle it out on the way there as we usually do.  I so want to tell this guy off but I know he will tell her and probably lie about what I said or he will send her a copy of the text if I text him.  Teenagers seem to do this a lot, send the actually text someone sends them. 

Thanks for reading, listening and appreciate all the feed back. I read and tihnk the same thing, wow this could be my teenager they are talking about, small world, going through the exact same things.

Kat 

[Kat816]

Hi there,

Well it's been a few weeks since my last post.  When it came time for my daughter to meet with a physiologist she was in one of her manic states. I did get her there but it was a rough ride there. She was going to tell them off etc, I said go ahead then.  After the session she said it wasn't going to help her and she wasn't going back.  I waited to see if she wanted to go again but she has not mentioned it anymore.

Some point in our conversations I had told her all we wan't her to do is stay in school and graduate at this point in time (as well as her trying to help herself).  I was not pressing school anymore with her and told her to do what she wants, I can't help anymore than what I have and if she won't except any help there is not much more I could do and left it like that.  I also told her that I was returning back to work soon. She then said oh what will I do then? be bored. 

She made a school counselor appointment on her own and made plans to go back to school. I did not say much but went along with what she was telling me.  She went to school this past Friday.  On that day she was back into the negative argumentative state about going and I just said, don't go then it's up to you and I am moving on with my life now.  She did go and the rest of the day was good.  We did not ask too much but waited for her to tell us things.  It seemed maybe she was trying again and her mood was pretty good.

She was out to see this guy that I talk about that has bipolar and other issues and gets her into drugs, sex.  Someone we don't want around but not much we can do right now. I told her if she needed a ride home anytime to call. This way she is not stuck there if he is not capable of driving her.  So she did call and it was early 10:00 pm.  Then she wanted to see him again on Friday so I said okay.  She called again for a ride same time and I picked her up. She seemed in a good mood. Could not tell if she was on drugs or not, maybe pot. 

That was yesterday, so today she was tired got up ate with us.  Then she went back to bed. I reminded her again that she had a dental appointment today.  She was mad did not want to go, things got really bad.  I told her if I cancel I will have to pay for the appointment. She did not care. I told her sorry but your need to go or pay me for the cancellation.  Well she went but it was hell going. She was throwing things in the car, saying all sorts of stuff like she was a few months ago.  I am trying to figure this out ,since she had not seen this guy for a few weeks her moods were calmer not so drastic. Now I feel we are back to step one again like it was in December. I can only imagine she did some sort of drug that was hard for me to detect or something this guy said to her today by text sometime that set her off?

Now I am leaving her alone. Not responding till she can talk calmer to me. I am back to work on Monday and really trying to keep things in control for me but today was a kick in the teeth again.  I can understand when parents get to the end of their ropes.  This is so hard.   I will see what happens when I go back to work.  There could be a point in time if things do not progress and her anger gets worse she will need to find another place to live or be in the streets.  I know we are doing as much as we can but until she helps herself nothing really will work for her.  We are here for her  and will be until the end, just not sure if she will be living with us.  I have to accept and face these facts as they are also a possibility, the choice is hers alone.  I am still keeping the hope going but as we know some days it flies out the window.


Will update again next week and see what happens with her getting up to to go school which is only every other day as she is taking 2 course in grade 11 right now with a 3rd course credit that all she has to do is help when needed in the student office or do her homework there.  She has a great counselor and school that is committed to keeping her in school and the minimum with exceptions for her as well.

I want to thank everyone who has commented on my posts. I take your experiences and suggestions and keep trying. 

Kat

[Lollypop]

Hi Kat

Thanks so much for the update as I've wondered how you've been getting on.  

I hate the drugs too and this has been the hardest thing for me to watch.

It sounds like you're exploring a different way and changing your reactions to your daughter and seeing the calming influence which is just fantastic.  It really is baby steps.

Do you have any sort of a priority plan for you and your daughter?  

We are all different and our situations are unique so what works for one person may just not be right for the other.  I made myself three long term priorities and I've found they help me keep perspective when I've been tempted to get drawn in the dramas or the small stuff.    

Remembering that my BPDs is an adult, I decided my priorities were (1) have a better relationship with him (he's needed us as he emotionally grows facing life's ups and downs (2) get him better financial management skills by not giving him money and insisting on a contribution towards his living expenses  (3) get him to leave home positively at the right time for him (if at all possible - he's had three failed previous attempts at being on his own).  Gently encouraging treatment when he's hit a low "it doesn't have to be like this".

The whole BPD thing is a long process and I've tried to have realistic expectations.  My BPDs resists at every stage and the help here on the forum is my life saver.  I use the phrase "we're all doing our best, and we can all try a little bit harder" all of the time.

As my BPD only lived life hour by hour (literally) I kept to his pace but always with my three goals in my mind. I try very hard not to look to the future and the fear that comes with it.  We inch forward and I've panicked a few times along our journey and gone back to my old way of thinking "it's useless, it'll never work" but I find a way to get up and try again.  If something isn't working, then change the approach.

I'm sorry your daughter's therapy hasn't worked out.  I really hope that she gets to school next week and enjoys being busy.  Fingers crossed for you and good luck returning to work.

Hugs

L

[7babies]

I just read this thread. I understand much of what you say. It seems like such a slog, especially when even getting them to go get help or participate is so hard. Please keep updating. Please know that it helps me to hear others and learn.

[Kat816]

Hi there,

It's been awhile and another update. My daughter went back to school. She attends every other day as she kept 2 of her classes with a spare credit block.  I don't say too much unless she talks about it.  I keep in touch with her school counselor and we try to manage any anxiety she has to deal with.  She will be in grade 12 next year and had to do her course selection and found she needed 9 classes to graduate which set her off as she can only do 8 in a year meaning full days.  We did get her the extra class credit with work experience so she was happy about that and hope it helped her relax about next year.  I don't think she wants to think about next year as she knows it will be back to regular school hours.  She will have 7 classes and an admin block. She picked her courses which are mostly electives so hope it helps her out with the workload next year.

I have been back to work since the end of February and back into the swing of things. From what I see my daughter is doing much better than she was a few months ago. Now she is off for 2 weeks for spring break just when she was getting back into a routine. She hasn't been doing any hardcore drugs. Has smoked some pot but not much at all.  She hasn't stayed out all night and calls us to pick her up early when she does hang out with this one guy.  Unfortunately her ex boyfriend "nudged" her on face book and they have been talking and meeting up last week.  She did tell me as she knew we would find out... .LOL... .so we talked a bit about it.  I told her our concerns, that it caused her a lot of pain and hope she is stronger now to be able to deal with what comes from starting this relationship up again.  He is not a motivator so that concerns me and the parents have issues.  The usual routine was to leave on Friday night and spend the weekend at his parents place.  I did tell her we didn't want this happening again but last night I texted her to see what was up as it was after 9 pm and she has to catch a bus and then skytrain home.  All she said was "sleeping over" and I did not respond back to her message.  Will have to see how being back with him changes her mood and thinking.  We could be getting ready for round 2 of what we went through a few months back.  She is also looking into finding work?  I haven't said too much as I don't know but would think it would be part time or something to do for the summer so just waiting to see how things pan out. She was connected to this center through her counselor at DBT.  She struggles going and  she keeps saying it's useless but I am hoping some things are sinking in and maybe she just does not want to tell us that. 

I have to say we did give her some motivation about going back to school to finish and pass her classes this year by telling her that we would reward her for doing so.  I know there are a few things she wants and she asked about it last week. I told her not yet, but when she is done with school and that sometimes she does not follow through on her promises so she needs to wait until school is over.

Thanks everyone for following along with me. I appreciate all the support and hearing about what you are going through as well. Until next time... .take care and hoping for more positives for all us!

[wendydarling]

Hi Kat

Good to hear from you, that you've managed your way back into work  |iiiiand your DD's progressing with school and plans for next year and doing better than a few months ago. 

It's great that she's taken the step to 'help herself’ after you left her with the choices. She made the initial call to the school counsellor getting herself back to school. It must have been very difficult for her having been off for so long and reintegrating with her peers etc.  You gave her many options through the research you did while off work and she chose one.

As for the ex-boyfriend I understand your frustration and concern, you’ve been honest with your DD about his influence v her wellbeing. Hopefully your advice will stick and help her make wise choices when she’s with him.

As often the case crisis is upon us without warning, I understand you wondering will we end up back where we were in December, everything can feel so fragile. Does your daughter have a crisis plan in place, if she feels she is moving towards a crisis what would she do? It’s been an important step and responsibility for my DD knowing she has the professional support to manage her way through an approaching crisis - she's not alone, she’s reached out and used it and it worked and her doing so has replaced my fears with confidence she can and has the right support.

"She was connected to this center through her counselor at DBT.  She struggles going and  she keeps saying it's useless but I am hoping some things are sinking in and maybe she just does not want to tell us that.". Kat is your DD struggling attending the centre she was connected to or DBT? My DD is now 9 months into DBT, we don't often talk about it and if we do it's often centred on if there was a new group leader or if she'd had a good group session where she'd surprised herself, or if a new session was commencing, or one she'd been recommended to focus more on. I can tell you it's only once every 3 weeks or more she raises something and it's generally a short statement and I respect that - she's living DBT everyday in managing emotions, her struggles to change her behaviour. In my experience yes 'it's sinking in' and yes there is so much more happening for them that we are not party to, my DD like others 'avoids' changing unhealthy coping mechanisms even when she knows they not working for her, it's small steps, small goals, a lot of hope, tons of validation, love and patience, her knowing she's doing the right thing for her. And yes I do get frustrated and occasionally I do get down and then remember what a slog it is for her, I'm walking with her and I have a life and so does she.

Wishing you a good week ahead Kat. 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi Kat

I just wanted to thank you for the update.

Progress isn't always linear and sometimes just staying where you are is celebration enough.  You're doing great and I just wanted to say how much I admire your persistence and patience. Take care of yourself.

LP