uBPDw stalling in mediation

[Bamboo]

A recent post in the "Chances of Suicide" thread got me thinking... .

My uBPDw said she wanted a divorce in July 2016. She wanted to fast track the proceedings, and we agreed that mediation would give her the quickest and least expensive divorce possible. In early October, before our initial meeting with the mediator, I emailed to request that we delay until December or even November. At the time I was dealing with mental health issues of my own related to the divorce and questionable psychiatric advice to begin tapering off an SSRI. She refused my request, stating that a delay did not work for her and that there would always be reason for me to delay.

I have submitted several revisions of my financials based on her feedback. But so far my wife has not produced a complete, transparent financial statement. In December there was some back and forth via email, in which she questioned the need to disclose property and accused me of not being transparent about engaging a lawyer. The mediator was Cc'ed, and thankfully he reminded us that full disclosure is required and reiterated his belief that having individual lawyers only strengthens the process.

Now it has been a month since she provided any information. One moment I'm hopeful that she will come to her senses. The next I'm frustrated that she dragged me headlong into this process against my will and is seemingly stalling the proceedings after refusing my request to delay.

Is it common for pwBPD to drop out of the process during divorce? To adopt a ":)o as I say, not as I do" approach in legal matters?

[ForeverDad]

Delays are typical.  The pwBPD can make demands but refuses to accept any.  It's a lack of reciprocity.  The mind or perception or entitlement is skewed enough that the person can believe she makes the rules but doesn't have to abide to them herself.

Is it possible that a firm but polite stance will shake loose a satisfactory response?  ":)ear stbEx (with CC to mediator), We have been stalled in mediation for some time now.  I have provided my financials as required and even updated them.  I ask that you (spouse) provide your financials by January 31 or I will be forced to conclude you do not want mediation and will reluctantly have to proceed with court action for a divorce."  Yes, you can soften that but the point is it has to be a firm stance, a boundary.  It can even be extended a bit but not left open-ended.  Otherwise she won't think you mean business.

As for "she dragged me into this against my will", do you mean the mediation she wanted or divorce in general?  Understand that if the marriage is dysfunctional, it could be quite unhealthy to try to keep it going as is.  If she is refusing therapy or not applying therapy meaningfully in her life and thinking, then she is very unlikely to improve and ending the relationship may be the practical thing to do.  Court and mediation is there to put a framework around the unwinding of the marriage, not to fix it.  It takes two to make a marriage a success, but only one to make it fail.

Why did she want a quick divorce?  Did she have her eyes on someone else back then and not now?  Or could it be that she has hidden assets and doesn't want to disclose them and hence the lack of progress?

[Bamboo]

Thank you ForeverDad. A firm but polite stance seems appropriate.

I also appreciate your thoughts about marital dysfunction. The divorce was her idea alone. My wife was under the impression she could print a document from the internet, force me to sign, pay $350 in court fees, and be done with it. So I suggested mediation as a realistic path to divorce. My wife has always been strong willed (one of the things that attracted me to her), and I realized early on that she would not bend on her position, even though I was willing to try to work through our issues to save a ten year marriage.

It's not clear why she was in such a hurry. Her decision to divorce was seemingly sudden and impulsive. She definitely hadn't considered the legal/financial/logistical ramifications. And yes, she has not disclosed property, and unfortunately I had to call her on it and provide evidence that she has a stake in it.

[david]

My ex filed for divorce in the middle of 2007. It took until late 2010 to finalize the divorce because of her legal delays. It actually helped me to gather evidence which helped me with equitable distribution. The delays made little sense.

[david]

Also, my ex made wild claims that we had 1.2 million in assets. Nowhere near that amount. It helped to discredit anything she claimed during conferences. I actually agreed with her valuation since I had proof she took everything out of our house. I countered that she could keep it all and just give me my half in cash. My attorney liked my idea and went with it.  I had photos of her new place with the things she claimed I had. She hand wrote four pages of items she claimed I stole and their valuations. I had pictures of around 80 % of what she hand wrote. Her attorney settled quickly, in my favor, after seeing some of my evidence.

[livednlearned]

Bamboo,

If she were to reverse her desire to get a divorce, is that something you want?

Are there kids involved?

How are you doing while this rides out?

LnL

[Bamboo]

Bamboo,

If she were to reverse her desire to get a divorce, is that something you want?

Are there kids involved?

How are you doing while this rides out?

LnL

Several of my family members likened her actions after announcing she wanted a divorce to detonating a bomb and walking away. Whether it was conscious or not, it's as if she did as much damage as possible to ensure a fait accompli. That said, I believe strongly in redemption and the power of forgiveness.

No kids involved thankfully.

This has been the most difficult 6-7 months on my life. No doubt I'm struggling, but family, friends, and therapist have been life savers, quite literally. Thanks LnL!

[ForeverDad]

If she were to reverse her desire to get a divorce, is that something you want?

Several of my family members likened her actions after announcing she wanted a divorce to detonating a bomb and walking away. Whether it was conscious or not, it's as if she did as much damage as possible to ensure a fait accompli. That said, I believe strongly in redemption and the power of forgiveness.

No kids involved thankfully.

This has been the most difficult 6-7 months on my life. No doubt I'm struggling, but family, friends, and therapist have been life savers, quite literally.

On the one hand, if you do divorce it will focus on finances, assets and debts. If there were children then it would have been much more complicated with highly emotional custody and parenting schedule issues.  I don't know if either of you wanted children but, despite how wonderful children are, count yourself fortunate not to go through that sort of added pain when the other parent is causing so much turmoil and distress.

On the other hand, LnL asked what if she swung to the other end of the spectrum and wanted you back?  Would you want to return to a life similar to the last 10 years of recurring grief and always circling flying monkeys of crazy?  Ponder that.  Odds are that if she has not improved in the past decade but only gotten worse, going back would just put you back on that path again, don't you think?  She would be an exceedingly rare case if she were to recover from BPD on her own.  Even professional help - if she actually go and then stick with it diligently - is very, very iffy.

In short, what future for yourself do you want and need?  More of the same?  Or confirm an end and unwind an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship?  Don't be caught off guard and not know how to respond if she decides to flip and want you back on the roller coaster.

[Bamboo]

On the one hand, if you do divorce it will focus on finances, assets and debts. If there were children then it would have been much more complicated with highly emotional custody and parenting schedule issues.  I don't know if either of you wanted children but, despite how wonderful children are, count yourself fortunate not to go through that sort of added pain when the other parent is causing so much turmoil and distress.

On the other hand, LnL asked what if she swung to the other end of the spectrum and wanted you back?  Would you want to return to a life similar to the last 10 years of recurring grief and always circling flying monkeys of crazy?  Ponder that.  Odds are that if she has not improved in the past decade but only gotten worse, going back would just put you back on that path again, don't you think?  She would be an exceedingly rare case if she were to recover from BPD on her own.  Even professional help - if she actually go and then stick with it diligently - is very, very iffy.

In short, what future for yourself do you want and need?  More of the same?  Or confirm an end and unwind an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship?  Don't be caught off guard and not know how to respond if she decides to flip and want you back on the roller coaster.

Believe me, I am counting my blessings that we do not have children. Her behavior toward the cats we raised together has been confusing and painful enough... .We did both want kids and were on the verge of trying a few weeks before she was unfaithful and announced that she was no longer in love with me. Though I am wondering if my ambivalence (in the true sense of that word) was the straw that broke the camel's back. That perhaps she felt rejected when I expressed concerns about physical health issues she has had over the years.

The depth of our relationship issues have only become clear to me since she split. My love for her blinded me to many troubling behaviors. There was always a rationale when she cut someone from her life. An explanation when all of a sudden someone who had wronged her was back in her good graces. The idealization was amazing, and because my self-esteem has never been great, I internalized the hostility.

But she is an amazing human being. Intelligent and accomplished, despite an incredibly traumatic childhood. The whole thing is very confusing, both emotionally and intellectually. Though I would be surprised if she flipped back, because she rarely, if ever, admits wrongdoing.

[Bamboo]

Just a quick update... .It turns out my wife was stalling while she transferred family property out of her name. I had no stake in it, and our mediator made it clear that full disclosure is required, even if certain assets aren't taken into consideration during the divorce. So this was a nonsensical move on her part.

This change violates the agreement we signed with our mediator. Regardless, my attorney has suggested that I give the process one more shot. It's a frustrating situation.

[michel71]

Are you in a community property state?

[Bamboo]

Are you in a community property state?

Not sure... .

[ForeverDad]

Has the divorce action been filed in court?  Typically, once divorce is filed both parties are obligated to refrain from taking unilateral major actions (buying/selling property, canceling health insurance, etc).  I'm not a lawyer and laws may vary from state to state, so this is just my understanding.  If what she did should have little consequence to the outcome, then perhaps nothing to do.  But if your lawyer says it would impact the outcome, perhaps reducing the amount of any support the court might otherwise award her or some other benefit, then perhaps it would be wise to hold her actions as negotiating leverage later should it be needed.

For example, maybe she felt you might have a legal interest or claim to a portion of the property's value.  (Only a local lawyer could tell you if it matters.)  If so, then you could use her actions as leverage to have that included in the eventual marital financial reconciliations.

[Bamboo]

Has the divorce action been filed in court?  Typically, once divorce is filed both parties are obligated to refrain from taking unilateral major actions (buying/selling property, canceling health insurance, etc).  I'm not a lawyer and laws may vary from state to state, so this is just my understanding.  If what she did should have little consequence to the outcome, then perhaps nothing to do.  But if your lawyer says it would impact the outcome, perhaps reducing the amount of any support the court might otherwise award her or some other benefit, then perhaps it would be wise to hold her actions as negotiating leverage later should it be needed.

No action has been filed in court. We voluntarily agreed to mediation and signed a mediation fee agreement stating that we would maintain the financial status quo. The agreement states that we will refrain from disposing of property, canceling insurance policies, changing wills, acquiring new debt, etc.

According to my lawyer, we will address the violation in court if mediation fails and the divorce goes to litigation. Whether we can use her actions as leverage is unclear, but they certainly demonstrate disregard for the mediation process.

Despite the violation, which she is either ignoring (likely) or unaware of (less likely), for the first time in months, her email communication seems reasonable and somewhat polite. It is throwing me off in a big way. Several of my family members believe she is reveling in having pulled a fast one and possibly unconsciously gaslighting me.

[david]

I would side with your family members. My ex did things like that. In the beginning it would confuse me because I was trying to figure it out. Eventually I took the belief that whatever she does has nothing to do with me or the kids.