Marriage Counseling - Does it help or hurt?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've read/heard conflicting reports online about entering marriage therapy with a BPD SO.
My BPD hub wanted to go to marriage counseling and I agreed based on 2 conditions, one of which was that he enter individual therapy & continue to keep regular appts with his therapist. He did so, & we started therapy. Once our counselor began calling him out on his behaviors & asking he be responsible for his actions, things got much worse between us. We ended up stopping counseling after only 4 sessions bc things got so heated and tense at home.
I feel now that the reason he wanted to go to marriage counseling was to attempt to shift some of the blame on me for his behaviors. There was a lot of the typical abuser mentality: "If she didn't do that (air a grievance, point out my dishonesty, etc), then I wouldn't have acted that way." You all know the drill.
So I'm wondering if any of you have tried marriage counseling & what your experience was/is. Did it improve your relationship or hurt it?

[bananas2]

I've read/heard conflicting reports online about entering marriage therapy with a BPD SO.
My BPD hub wanted to go to marriage counseling and I agreed based on 2 conditions, one of which was that he enter individual therapy & continue to keep regular appts with his therapist. He did so, & we started therapy. Once our counselor began calling him out on his behaviors & asking he be responsible for his actions, things got much worse between us. We ended up stopping counseling after only 4 sessions bc things got so heated and tense at home.
I feel now that the reason he wanted to go to marriage counseling was to attempt to shift some of the blame on me for his behaviors. There was a lot of the typical abuser mentality: "If she didn't do that (air a grievance, point out my dishonesty, etc), then I wouldn't have acted that way." You all know the drill.
So I'm wondering if any of you have tried marriage counseling & what your experience was/is. Did it improve your relationship or hurt it?

[Wanna Move On]

bananas2, all evidence shows that marriage counseling (MC) does NOT work. Google "BPD and marriage counseling".

MC, if successful in reasonably healthy adults, operates on the premise that both hubby and wife are emotionally stable and mature, and capable of empathetic emotional reciprocity.   

BPDs, because of their complex psychological/emotional fragilities and shortcomings, are capable of neither of the above. It will never change. It is for life.

I'm sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear.

[Tattered Heart]

We went to a couple sessions on marriage counseling and it did not work either. The sessions became about what he was feeling and if I tried to talk about what I was feeling, I would pay hell for it for the next week. He would obsess over what I had to say and fight all week about it. He dominated the sessions with working through his own personal issues although he was also going to individual counseling. I hated it.

[jasbjj]

A few years ago, my marriage to my uBPD wife hit a new low.  She was constantly nasty to me, intimacy was rare and thus to cope, I became completely indifferent to her.  I contemplated filing for divorce, but was not completely ready to give up; therefore, I suggested counseling.  After a few weeks of persuading, she finally agreed.

I made the mistake of using the sessions as a launching pad to attack her, hoping that the counselor would encourage her to change.  I figured if an unbiased professional were to tell her that she is the problem, she would finally get off of my back and start taking personal responsibility for her unhappiness.  As you can imagine, my strategy backfired.  :)uring the fourth session, she ended up crying and walking out.  Therapy over.

In spite of the therapy not helping whatsoever, our marriage has improved maybe 20% since then.  We are intimate more often and our goals/values seem to be aligned; unfortunately we disagree on how to go about achieving these goals.  If I were to do therapy again I would listen far more and let her do most of the talking.  I would also choose a therapist who is results-oriented and proactive (our therapist was very passive and gave us no "homework).

[mmcnulty]

My experience with my former spouse was that she wanted us to go to counseling so the therapist would tell me what was wrong with me.