Checklist, who can relate ?

[Red5]

I have been with my BPD wife (this is what I think she is) for almost ten years now, dated for 3.5, married now for six years, relationship has completely broken down now, please see my checklist, am I barking up the wrong tree, or am I on target here?... .very frustrated, feeling very beaten down, ready to move on I am afraid... .
*mad / angry seemingly all the time
*inappropriate emotional outburst
*always needing to control, direct, take over
*says I am a jerk
*says I am an a$$ hole
*says I love no one but myself
*calls me a “narcissus”
*says the only thing I care about is my kids
*says I never have done anything for her
*constant silent treatment / stonewalling
during and after every fight, I get character assassinated to her family
*says mean things to my son (special needs)
*says I am a hoarder
*angry outburst for no apparent reason, leading to devaluing
*compares me to her ex-husband, and ex-boyfriends
*constantly says I am inconsiderate to her feelings, needs and wants
always demanding that I get the right presents, and often devaluing what I do give as not considerate and not thoughtful enough
*says I am lazy, the most lazy man she has ever known
*hates my mother
*sabotages holidays
*rude to others, ie’ nurses, and fellow employees
*threatens to “move back into my own house”, ie separation and divorce
*constantly complains about my lack of good housekeeping, ie’ the dish washer, and the trash
*engages in push-pull, I love you, can’t live without you, then onto I hate you, I loathe you
*can never complete even simple projects together, ie’ home projects, without a huge fight ensuing
*starts fights during dinner, and dinner dates, thus ruining the “meal time experience”
*bossy, and nagging behaviors constantly
*says I never have done anything for her grown up children
*can shape shift he emotions form full blown argument to happy smiles and “nice” immediately when neighbor comes by, or relative calls on the phone, channel changing in a split second
*constant “splitting” in a 12/24 hour period
*constant spoiled brat type behavior
*a “mean drunk”
*sex only when drunk (mostly) if ever
*constantly recycling during arguments, past present and back to past again constantly repeats herself during arguments, has to make the last point, the last word
*does not respect any boundaries, will come right into your “Q” and try and start a fight with you
*history of combative, dramatic, and overly emotional behaviors
*a “darling” during dating, then became fight, push away, cycle, back into relationship again, happened (happens) over and over and over again
*cannot go any longer than perhaps 7-10 days without total breakdown, fight, and stand-off, stonewalling
*kills all my happiness, joy
*dread to even go home
*dread to even see her
*dread to have any interaction with her at all
*split and colored black most of the time now
*constantly projecting onto me (negative)
*destroyer of peace and quiet, tranquility
*used to live in fear of making her angry, daily
*always walking on eggshells (landmines)
*cannot share anything verbally with her or resultant in immediate fight, or devaluing, or else controlling behaviors
*no longer feels like a marriage, but like having an unruly teenager in the house
*sleep on couch more than in our bed
*paranoid behaviors, locks doors even when we are home
*sees no one else’s opinions as valid
*watch everything I say around her, to try and prevent fights, conflicts
*do not share happy stories, or “how my days went” with her, as she is not interested in anything I say or do, only her won daily interactions feeling seem to count, mine are devalued, and pushed aside
*constantly interrupts me while speaking, or fighting, constant high conflict attitude
*slams doors
*breaks and destroys things
*has no throttle on her anger, rages on and on and on…
*avoid at all costs, any day or longer trips in an automobile with her
*home is full of monuments and memories, scars, dents and dings of the many many fights we have had
*I can never do anything right, I am stupid, and should not be allowed to think for myself

[statsattack]

You should add
Needs Space
You are trying to hurt me
Talking behind my back is worse than anything Hitler has ever done
Runs a smear campaign and works on literally the stupidst people on earth

[ynwa]

I wish this wasn't the case.  But yes. 

I know it's a lot to put out there.  And I can imagine what it felt like at every turn.  How we deal with it, I'm not entirely sure.

You are figuring out your moves?  What makes sense with honest feedback?  Meaning a therapist or trusted friend/family?   

Hang in there red5

[CrossroadsGuyMn]

Welcome.

Aside from the 12/24 hour splitting (mine is more on a multi day cycle)... .I can just say ditto for my experiences with my dBPDw.

The specific ones that resonated most with me are what you said about "Long rides in the car, vacations, holidays, project follow through, and in a huge way the mean drunk".

Just know that you are not the only one experiencing these things.  There are a ton of resources here that can help you navigate your way. 

[Red5]

As I think further upon this checklist I made, I thought of several more items to add... .and I think they are very important to any relationship, either romantic, professional, or family... .
*I do not feel that my BPD wife respects me as a person, a provider, or a protector, and is this important to me(?)
*I do not feel that my BPD wife even like me.
*I do not feel that my BPD wife considers me her close and personal friend, did she really ever(?)
*I do not feel that my BPD wife has the ability to respect, like, or to ever even consider me a her friend, much les a trusted confidant, or advisor... .is this because I am "too close"(?), I have seen her split other family members, ie' sisters, and even her own mother "black" at times, there always seems to be the need for a "close in" target to split "black"... .and right now its me.
*I do not feel that my BPD wife is capable of empathy, or else able to disregard any kind of social dissent, ie' conflict with co-worker(s), or the take out order person... .seems to always be able to go after someone for what ever reason, can never just "let it go"... .
*I do not feel that my BPD wife has the ability to just let others "be the way they are", she must always "correct", advise (nag), and point out any perceived deficiency's immediately, no matter the consequence of this action(s), even to the point of driving the family members present (for example) into defense mode, and then anger... .no matter the venue, it makes no difference to her... .the "fart in Church" as it were... .
*I do not feel that my BPD wife is "comfortable in her own skin"... .must ensure others (me) buy her the right gift for Christmas, Birthdays, anniversary's... .and when the correct and attentive gift is not presented, the person (me) and the gift is then devalued, and that person I told that they are not considerate enough, and does not care for her enough... .can never just be "content", must always be super critical.
*I do not feel that my BPD wife has the ability to connect with me on any level of an "adult friendship" relationship, I am often treated as an "un-rulely child", who may run out into the street at any moment and be run over by a speeding car !... .or else get lost in the mall... .or taken advantage of by some criminal business enterprise... .I am quite often confronted, belittled, and told that I am a complete failure at whet ever I have presented myself to be, or else claim to be... .ie' father, husband, brother, son... .yes, a complete failure, and given the grade of "F" !

[livednlearned]

Hi Red5,

These are tough relationships, I'm sorry things are so difficult and you feel so down.

She is transferring the way she feels (about herself) onto you as a way to shift responsibility for what is hers to deal with.

*She does not respect herself
*She does even like herself
*She does not think anyone can be her close and personal friend
*She does not feel empathy for herself
*She is not ok being just the way she is
*She is uncomfortable in her own skin
*She cannot connect with people on any level

It's to her (dysfunctional) advantage to keep you running up and down the field, meanwhile she's changing the goalposts and the rules, and you are running ragged hoping to score a goal. Doing it this way, she doesn't have to focus on herself.

The thing is, you don't have to run the field. And focusing on her works the same for you as it does for her. It makes you feel like a victim with no power. Except you're the guy without the disorder  You can problem solve.

Doesn't mean it's easy, only that there is a way.

First, though. You need to catch your breath and figure out a way to take care of yourself because she isn't likely to do that for you.

Is there anything you do that counts as self-care?

 

[Red5]

@livednlearned,

Self care... .well I do try avoidance as much as possible, and I try to keep the peace as best I can... .this most recent tiff was because as Christmas approached, which is a major trigger for me, as is Thanksgiving, due to her past sabotages, and acting out, the "ghost of Christmas past"... .as the shopping, and raising of the tree, and the lights and so forth and son... .she began to get under my skin, and into my head with her... ."don't you ruin my Christmas"... "you need to get your shopping done"... ."what should we get for this person, or that person", "why don't you like Christmas", "why are you so hard headed"... ."why don't you want to PARTICIPATE!"... ."YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!"... .boom-> fight... .then she says don't even bother, you hate it all anyway, and she then tried to take down the tree (again-2years in a row) on Christmas eve... .my worst case scenario happened yet again, I can now feel them coming... .last year she picked a fight, took down the tree on Christmas eve, and the everything I got her in the trash... so you can imagine this year I wanted no part of this again... .and to top it off, our anniversary is New Years, so in lite of the circumstances, I again "opted out"... .she has been furious with me since before Christmas, but wait there is more... .she is being treated for cancer, and she is working from home... .I really tried to smooth things over, while she was in the hospital this last time, right after New Years... .but it was thrown in my face again... .I really tried to keep the peace, due to her ongoing treatments, and conditions, but she managed to blow I tall up anyway... .so now, she has given me a request for divorce in writing, and says she is moving back into her own home, when she is able... .in the middle of all of this, is my autistic son whom I care for... .I thought my first wife was going to do me in... .I should have never remarried, but here I am... .as far as "self care"... .I sleep on the couch, and I try to stay busy with work and my son, and I come here and vent... .she informed me that she has told her family, two other sisters, and her mother about how big a jerk I am... .I am really beat down, I am so tired of fighting her off, and standing my ground with her, there has not been any affection in this marriage for a long time now... .I have gone stone cold to her now, we barely speak, .I think all of the women in this family are some kind of (pd)... .I thought I learned a lot from my first wife, 21 years, and three kids, she was a CSA victim... .I tried to "save her" and it almost killed me... .  yes, I thought I was smart on all of these personality disorder subjects, but I really had no idea... .I wonder if she is really angry enough (split me black) to really leave, or is this just another attempt to try and drive me back yet again (ultimatum) into the cycle, admit I was a very bad husband, grovel some, and apologize, so that I can be returned to my role as target... .we are at a standoff currently, as according to her letter (hand written) during one of the fights, it is my responsibility to line up the lawyer, and save up the money to "get her back on her feet"... .right now, I am just living day to day... .she had some kind of blow up with her mom, and sister yesterday... .mom (her) said that my BPD wife disrespected her, all the while sister #1 was in the hospital... .these ladies are just something else, sis is in the hospital bed, and mom gets it into her head that her daughter disrespected her... .I could go on and on about the behaviors I have witnessed, and as well been scorched by... .do I still love her... .as  a lot has been said in anger (my checklist)... .do I want to go on?... .is she really serous this time about divorce... .well in fact this type of lifestyle is a very effective weight loss program, ten pounds in 30 days for me... .I do know in my heart, even if I had stayed off the egg shells and land mines, and spent thousands of dollars on "her" Christmas, and "her"  Anniversary, hoping that she would be properly pleased with me... .I know that she would have blown it all up anyway... .that's what I think, based on past performances... .I think I need to talk to a shrink, and ensure that I am on track in my "diagnoses" of her, .my feelings, recollections, opinions and experiences with her and as well myself... .

[michel71]

I can totally relate to most if not all of what you posted.

You are in good company here.

I can tell how frustrated and beaten down you feel. Keep posting. Let it all out. We are on your side.

[mrstring]

Oh my God yes. At 1st I thought you were seeing my girlfriend on the side.

Sadly a lot of these she has done and I forgot or blacked them out.

[ortac77]

Its good to vent and oh yes I recognise a lot of those behaviours from pwBPD partner. I also recognise some of my reactions and feelings, but as has been said by pushing all this crap on you she doesn't have to look at herself. It is her not you with the problem and your absolute priority needs to be you because when I was enmeshed in my partners chaos I realised I was losing me.

I see my partner now as just a shell, a bottomless pit of need which he does not know how to fill. He expects me to do so but I know that I cannot.

[Red5]

Last Saturday, had a "talk" with her, gave an ultimatum of sorts, result, I backed off a little, validated her anger towards me, rolled a little, issued carte blanche apology... .now split "white" again... .oh happy daze... .however, now armed with the inside information (gouge) now though, .I see the signs, I read her language and mannerisms between the lines now... .not letting my guard down again, there is no real safety, safe harbor with her, this I now realize... .I have another checklist now:
*Never present my comfort zone to her.
*Never be in my comfort zone around her.
*Always assume things can change in an instant, with one sentence, or perhaps a facial expression on my part... .instantly.
*Never share anything with her that I have not "scrubbed" in my own head first, self censorship.
*Best to not ask any questions about her family, or what's going on, and when she shares, promptly end the interchange by not adding my own commentary, or opinions.
*Respond with as many less words as possible, do not "load the gun".
*Keep things very simple in our interactions, do not assume she is my "friend" anymore.
*Reciprocate only the degree of affection as she give me.
*Keep the decks cleared of any possible "triggers", always be prepared to diffuse, diss-arm, or power-down very quickly if I feel her starting to target me.
*Never ever ever show any anger, or disappointment towards her, even if she try's to start something, keep the gauge in the white as much as I can.
*Do not try to prove any points with her in conversation, even in casual conversation, be passive, be polite, have a plan to escape, pass through, to be out of sight in a moment if necessary.
*If caught short, cornered, trapped in an increasingly volatile conversations (fight) do not escalate, go gray rock, stone faced, DO NOT under any circumstances try and stand up to her, or otherwise try to prove your point, opinion, or try to get her to agree, see things your way, ain't NEVER happening... .use your escape plan, and leave immediately.
*Make no requests of her.
*Make no demands of her.
*Do not ask her for anything.
*Stay busy in her presence, stay very busy.
*Don't make too much of a fuss about anything, do not share my thoughts with her, just listen to her, let her "play out" and nod my head, and try and get the interchange to an end as soon as I can.
*What ever she asks me to do, do it, .quickly, .if at all possible, .don't ever try to "match" her in being bossy, NEVER EVER nag her back, even if she starts in on me... .remember to diss-engage as soon as I can... .NEVER fight back... .
*Out of sight is "out of mind"... .the shed in the back yard is a blessing !
*Hold her hand if she will let me, listen to her "war stories"... .but don't ever engage in "I got one too"... .just listen, and avoid traps, especially if she is going on and on about her "dysfunctional family"... .just listen, indeed it will go on and on, but not forever, eventually she will go to bed... .
*Understand that I am never going to win a fight, I am never going to dominate in any disagreement, I am never going to have a superior opinion, I am never going to be allowed to have the right idea first, I am never going to be considered to have the capability to have my own ideas about anything ever with her.

... .If I play by these rules, I may stay "split white" for a little while, I ain't leaving, as its my house, I do love her, I do feel an enormous obligation to her, I did marry her, I did make the commitment of marriage with her, .albeit I am very bat up, and tired, but I did enable a lot of this abuse, the more I fought back, the worse I was making it between us... .now that I think I know what's been happening in our volatile relationship over the last nine years, maybe with this new "epiphany" of knowledge... .maybe... .just maybe I can take better care of her now?... .today is a new day, I know I will be "split" again at some point, as it will be my turn again... .but when this happens again, it won't be the end of the world to me now... .knowledge is true power, I am a tough guy, I am old and hardened, .I can do this !

 

[michel71]

Red... .I can totally relate to everything you last posted. EVERYTHING. It was like seeing my life with my uBPDw laid out before me. That is exactly what it would take to make her happy ( well, for a time anyway). I just didn't have the energy anymore. Felt I was dying. IT had to be about me. I chose me instead of her. I choose me instead of us. Good luck to you friend.

[Frankiesgirl]

They say misery loves company!  I think I just found my company.  You are all describing my life.  Not too much to add except maybe:
Does almost nothing to help around the house (don't ask or explosion)
Paranoid with loaded glock in nightstand.

[Red5]

Hello, it’s been about three months since I was back here posting anything, during this time period, I have somehow managed to stay (for the most) part “split white”… But then I got a bit too comfortable I reckon, and did not read my checklist(s), And thus I am now back in the “split black zone”… here are the items of the checklists I missed:

*Keep the decks cleared of any possible "triggers", always be prepared to diffuse, dis-arm, or power-down very quickly if I feel her starting to target me (or my autistic Son).
*Never ever EVER show any anger, or disappointment towards her, even if she tries to start something, keep the gauge in the white as much as I can.
*Do not try to prove any points with her in conversation (looming argument), even in casual conversation, be passive, be polite, BUT have a plan to quickly escape, pass through, to be out of sight in a moment if necessary.
*If caught short, cornered, trapped in an increasingly volatile conversations (fight) do not escalate, go gray rock, stone faced, DO NOT under any circumstances try and stand up to her, or otherwise try to prove your point, opinion, or try to get her to agree, see things your way, ain't NEVER happening... .use your escape plan, and leave immediately… LEAVE !

Like I said in previous post, I had reconciled myself to a cart blanche apology, and was granted safe passage from black, back to white, I did very well for the most part in staying in her good grace’s for several weeks now (three months), there were a few flare ups, but I faithfully followed my “SOP” checklists, and I was able to fend these slights off to a great degree and with varying success, during this time, we got her through another regime of cancer treatment, I was able to wrest control from her mother, and sister, and was able to ensure that she was comfortable in the hospital, and as well at home while she recuperated. We even traveled to the western part of the state, some six hours away, to attend her Son’s wedding, there was the usual mean and disorderly drunk moment with the new in laws, which I was expecting, and in which I relinquished control of her to her Son and Daughter during the afore night party, and also there was an incident during the departure in which she tried to start in on me for being “too unorganized”… but I beat them all!, each and every incident, She has actually been keeping her own mother in the “black” for most of this time, but as she went back to work, and we settled into a more normal routine of work, Church, and weekend chores, I began to notice that she was coming after my autistic Son more and more, basically, she thinks that he is too slow getting dressed in the morning, takes too long in his bathroom in the mornings, and the evenings, and also takes way too long of a shower in the evenings (15minutes), and I also baby him too much, let him get away with too much etc etc etc, my Son is 30 years old now, and has the developmental capabilities of a 7 year old… so basically he is a kindergartner in a grown man’s body, and this is his permanent mental state… I tried, as I always have since she began to live in our home as my wife, to let her attempt to mother him to only a safe degree, but I saw after time, that she seemed to have no patience with him, at which time I tried my best to “intervene”, and to prevent any altercations towards him form her… which also annoyed her, and perplexed her to no end, as she wanted to “correct” him at every turn (control), you see, he can’t fight back, and this is very disturbing to me, when I catch her acting this way towards my Son, this has been going in a much elevated manner for weeks now… and I know it’s not my Son, he is a sweet and innocent soul… It’s her, it’s her work, her family, and her medical condition that has her “up a tree”, these are her triggers, that lets all the other bad stuff come out … so since I am (was) no longer a viable, and interactive target for her, she would go after him, and each time I would let her go just so far, and then I would push her aside, and tell her to just let me handle him, “go sit down and relax”… but then she began to get verbally abusive to him, and this was not acceptable to me, NO SIR !… so I called her on it, and of course she now had the excuse to let it all go… finally, I had unmasked, I had dropped my shields, I had crossed her red line, I ws now going to GET IT !… And now she could BLOW UP… and she did !, I said a few choice words in a quick feigning defensive posture, in order to lay some smoke and make our escape…, I ordered my Son away from his supper, which she had made, all the while yelling at him, and me, … so I decided to leave, and so we left… and we drove some 60 plus or more miles to the other side of the next town… before I was sure she had gone to bed, and it was safe to go back home… so then we turned around to come home… When we got home, she had thrown all the food she had prepared into the garbage, and my Son saw all this, and this is NOT the first time she has done this… Now my Son talks about this event constantly, he now even says he is scared of her, and just wants to stay away from her… and now I am back on the couch in the office, she has her pretty little frown back, her cross face, and her bottom lip poked out… She is in absolute heaven I am sure, delicious anger!… looks like me and dear old mum-in-law have traded out our stations… oh well, it was a good run !… Two more items of interest, she got tired of her car which she had before were married, (six years), so I purchased her a brand new SUV, and she has also decided to put her home, up for sale… And she was telling me, jokingly before the big blow up, that “you can’t divorce me now”, you are stuck with me (?)… So here we are again, living together but separate…, but I am not going to give another apology to sooth her jets this time (again) NO !… My flame of love for her was extinguished a while back, I am now a “caretaker”, and that is all, I no longer desire her sexually, or even as a friend, or companion, that is all dead inside me now, like I said in yet another post, too many fights, too many scars, to many reminders in our home of the many knock down drag out fights… the constant belittlement, and disparaging remarks… I have had enough… It has been this way for months now…, since before Christmas, if not before… it is like, as I have previously stated, that I have an unruly, disrespectful, high minded, toxic mouthed teenager in my home, NOT a wife, So I will continue to preserver, as best I can, and I will try to remember all the items I wrote in my several checklists in this post, so that I can attempt to survive in my own home… I just slipped up a little, fell asleep in my nice and cozy “fake” comfort zone… I “forgot” for a moment where I was, and let her walk over a few boundaries.

I cannot tolerate her behavior towards my autistic Son, that ain’t going to fly, period, so I will just keep a back pack of clothes, and shower gear, and some cash in the truck, as when we “fled” the scene the other night, he was in his pajamas… so if we need to go further that sixty something miles to cool off, we can stay in a hotel or something and she cannot track us, as I will use cash vice a credit card… And she likes to lock me out of the house too, so I now have a spare key hidden outside to prevent that.

Yes, a mean spirited teenager I got living in my house, my “uBPDw”… please wish me luck, mental strength, and continued perseverance in my travel through this life, Thanks for listening, Red5 out ->

[DaddyBear77]

Red5 - great post and another "me too" to add to the pile.

This quote stood out to me:

She has actually been keeping her own mother in the “black” for most of this time

In my experience, the longest periods of "white" that I've had are when there's someone ELSE to can be the "Persecutor" - that way, I can stay the "Rescuer" and my pwBPD can comfortably stay the "Victim," her favorite spot on the Karpman Drama Triangle

Sorry to hear you're "black" again. I feel your pain.

[formflier]

First of all... .nice to meet you.  I'm assuming you are a Star Wars fan... . 

https://youtu.be/-dMDOOoqRxQ


Star Wars is a great place to go to in your mind.  We at bpdfamily can teach you the ways of the force... .to protect the galaxy against the hidden Sith lords out there... .they only appear after they have hooked you into a r/s!   

*Keep the decks cleared of any possible "triggers"

Dude... .I'm a Naval Aviator... .I love checklists.

Your checklist is focused on her... .you are going to wear yourself out with that.

1.  Assume she is an adult and can soothe her own feelings.
2.  When she wants you to rescue her from her feelings... .don't.  Wish her well with her efforts and live your life.
3.  Live your life in a healthy mannner.  When she freaks on you (which she will) deploy tools to end that argument... .protect yourself... .and get on with your day. 
4.  You care for your hurt feelings.
5.  Let her care for hers.
6.  When she is being nice, enjoy the r/s.
7.  When she is not being nice, enjoy yourself.
8.  Don't argue.
9.  Communicate succinctly, trust she heard you, respect her decision... no rescuing.
10. Take your ears to a pleasant place, when her mouth is not pleasant.
11. Be consistent




I could go on... .

How does this list strike you... .when compared to yours?

The ways of the force can be mastered... .

https://youtu.be/BQ4yd2W50No

You must unlearn what you know... .   

FF

[Red5]

@formflier & DaddyBear77,

Yes, I see your points, ."persecutor, verses victim, verses rescuer"... .and "deploy tools to end that argument... .protect yourself... .and get on with your day, and be consistent."

Waif Hermit Queen Witch (?)... .

As the years pass, I learn more and more, as I have written before here, this is multi generational, it is VERY interesting to be in the same room with the mother, and the three sisters, plus maternal/paternal children, and to also see the other two "son-in-laws" maneuvering around it all... .all at the same time... .wow !

I am still the "new guy"... .at only ten relationship / six married years under my belt... .the other two marriages (sisters) have over twenty years each,

My uBPDw is currently (continues) stone walling me, if she could spit nails at me, I am sure she would, it all started with her Monday night, (its been building again for several weeks) going after my Son (autistic) during his evening routine, shower, pajamas, supper, bed time... .I had had enough, I try my best to stay on top, and ensure she cannot intervene, but it was a long day, and she got past me, and started in on him, thus I fired off a "stern warning", which was a mistake, as this allowed her to let go (GREEN LIGHT), resultant in my Son and I manning the Grand Cherokee, and escape... .yeah, it gets that bad.

For several days prior, it had been contentious, and I guess I could feel it coming, you know, that evening, before it all started, I did ask her if she had spoken to her mother, and I got reprimanded for even asking... .that may have been the trigger... .does not really matter now.

Over our relationship, June 2007 until now, (we married in Jan 2011), we have "recycled" many times, there has been a separation, my idea due to constant fighting, several move outs as well (her), and threats of divorce (both of us), the last time it was delivered by her in writing at my request (put up or shut up), so I kept that... .but now she is selling her old home, so that means her "escape pod" is going to be gone... .as I said, at this point, I am beyond numb, almost like I was in the last few years of my previous marriage, which I stayed in for my children, .but today, only my oldest Son is still with me, which will be a life long commitment, wife or no wife... .yes, numb, and I seem to have a "non-consequential" sarcastic demeanor about me now, this has been this way for about six months now... .as if I am not living with a grown 49 year old woman anymore, but a petulant, disrespectful teenager, .I try my best now, after even more reading, and personal education in regards to BPD traits and behaviors to understand, .to try and NOT take her attacks, rages, and personal assaults "personally"... .but my Son is another matter entirely, .I will not allow her to come after him, even to the point of risking setting her off, .THAT boundary WILL be respected, and damn everything else... .I did pretty well since last January, but I did let it slip, as I got a little too comfortable around her, as things were going well, in spite of circumstances, her cancer treatments, her family's drama, and her Son getting married, maybe the reason was just because we were "busy"... .and yes /@formflier/, I do like your change 1&2 to my checklist, and I will incorporate these changes into my own... .I completely understand that she is a grown up, and she is responsible for her own actions, I should not try to rescue, and when the indicator is in the "black", I do need to batten down the hatches and take care of myself and my Son until the storm passes (recycles)... .this was the not the first time I executed the bail out plan, .she defiantly gets extremely peeved at me when I decide to flee instead of fight, but we all know that to stay and fight is indeed fruitless, and will only exacerbate the conflagration... .its Friday, I wonder what the weekend will bring... .the SOP is that I will roll over, and offer my most apathetic apology for being so inconsiderate of her opinions, authority, .as //DaddyBear77// relates, .ie' let her be the victim... .and restore her perceived authority in regards to my Son, .however, this time , .I think I am going to withhold... .and we will see who cracks first... .her capacity for holding onto anger is amazing, .and if I continue in my "boycott" of the situation, and not engage her, she will continue to keep her anger forefront... .we'll see I reckon.

V/R Red5

[Red5]

I came across this in a much older post from 2007, here are some exerts... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0;all

":)egradation by someone who claims to love you is qualitatively different than degradation by a stranger," (Christine Ann Lawson, Ph.D.). 

The types described by Lawson are not absolute categories.  For example, I can recall my stepmother vacillating between the waif/queen and waif/witch.  The importance of this is in coping strategies needed, if one determines they would like to maintain some sort of relationship with the person acting out in these ways.  Soping strategy ideas are identified in the titles of different chapters, such as:

Loving the Waif Without Rescuing Her   (Implying a clear sense of self and ability to hold boundaries.  De-tangling co-dependent relationship tendencies would be part of healing)

Loving the Hermit Without Feeding Her Fear   (I've seen this played out a great deal with folks who refuse to drive (their afraid), refuse to work (people bug them), refuse to leave the house (they'd rather stay at home).  So, not enabling these fears by "doing for them" what they need to is part of the boundary work with this type of acting out.)

Loving the Queen Without Becoming Her Subject  (I view one of the needed skills to be able to do this as exemplified in the Four Agreements [Do my best, be impeccable, not take anything personally, and don't make assumptions].  Understanding that people acting out Queen behaviors are operating with faulty filters and in an unrecovered state may allow us to walk away when the "Queen" is being queenly, and rejoin when he/she has returned to a more civil state.  The demand of the Queen on her children or those around her to be a subject can be influential in one's ability to maintain some contact or not.)

Living with the Witch Without Becoming her Vicitm  (Lawson, imo, implies, even in this title when one is in "witch" form, loving is not really part of the picture.  I read this as the name of the game is survival.  Boundaries about what we are willing to tolerate, and more, why we would tolerate abusive behavior is the work here).

I also found the following summation of Lawson's words of value:

The Waif  "learned that submissive behavior was the most adaptive response to an oppressive environment." She also "sees herself as an incompetent failure, and is overly dependent on the approval of others."

The Hermit is "a perfectionist, a worrier, and . . . an insomniac. . . Hermit mothers suffer from persistent fantasies of harm coming to themselves or others, and tend to attribute hostile intentions to others."

Queen mothers "compete with their children for time, attention, love, and money." And "The dramatic and sometimes hysterical behavior of the Queen mother can terrify her children."

And finally, Witch mothers  can be "bitter, demanding, sarcastic, and cruel," and "Witch mothers know what to say to hurt or scare their children, and use humiliation and degradation to punish them."

The Waif  marries a Frog Prince, someone she can rescue and who she thinks will rescue her.The Waif identifies with the Frog's helplessness and fantasizes about providing for him what she needs for herself.

The Hermit  seeks a Hunter, a partner who will pity and protect her. The Borderline Hermit envies the Huntsmen's courage desperately seeks his soothng presence.

The Queen seeks a King, somone who attracts attention through his prominence, wealth or power. The Queen  therefore is more likely to marry a Narcissist-or King.

The Witch  seeks a Fisherman, someone she can dominate and control (hey there dad). She chooses a subservient partner who admires her courage and who relinquishes his will at her command.

[Dutched]

Red5

As so much is going on I see and understand your fight.
A fight in which you want to get your rational mind, with all the knowledge you are absorbing here, to come in terms with the emotional mind.
I takes time, don’t rush that.
You already discovered explanations for that behaviour.
It is all within her, projecting it on you, the closest ones, and you (unconsciously) taking the bate.

Not taking that bite requires you to learn some techniques which you find all around here. 
More senior members who are still involved have developed great skills, giving advise in almost every situation.
 
I is like changing your partner by changing yourself.

What hit me most is the situation with your son!
As I understand he is autistic and more or less function as a 7 yrs. old. 
As you indeed said, that is your main goal, not allowing your wife to get him ‘beaten up’.
So indeed GUARD him, please, and give him your attention, guidance and safety.

Your son is an easy prey for your wife.
Keep in mind that your wife’s emotional age is that of a 4-6 yr. old.

Although the comparison is not that valid, both are of similar emotional age.
One of them with skills as an adult, lashing out, ‘dominant’ and patronising, even total devaluating the one (your son) less strong.
So, leaving your son very scary and humiliated behind.

That needs your attention please.
Safeguard him, for his and your sake.

[formflier]

The waif, queen, hermit, witch thing is interesting. 

My opinion is that they usually vacillate between a couple of them. 

My wife is basically queenish.  There can be a touch of witch and oddly enough I think she wants to we waifish but can't seem to pull it off.

She talks adoringly about "submissive Christian women" and aspires to be one... .yet can't come close to pulling it off.

FF