S5 throws shade at Dad ... who loses it

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, on the morning of my 4 way meeting with STBxw, her attorney and my attorney, I am getting S5 and S11 ready for school. S5 has been on and off fussing and fighting with his brother and me. Now, S5 is upset about misplacing a mood ring that my uBPDw had bought him for Christmas. I am helping put his boots on and tell him that we will try to find it later after school (I wasn't rushing him, I was looking in his eyes, saying I could see he was upset and that he just had it this morning and we would try to find it after school). He responded with an outburst, saying "No. You don't try. You either help find it or you don't."

It was like my wife had possessed him and was speaking through S5's mouth. I lost it. He was sitting on the stairs. I shoved his boot on his foot so hard his knee popped up and hit his chest (not hard thankfully). Of course he started bawling because my reaction totally freaked him out. I walked away for a few seconds, listened to him sobbing and came back and told him that what I did was wrong, that I was angry, but that it was not right for me to act it out and scare him. I reassured him that I loved him, and that he was not responsible for me getting mad. I stayed with him while he cried, and eventually held him when he was ready. He was still crying in the car until we started driving, and it wasn't until we got out and I was taking him to kindergarten that he seemed to adjust from the upset.

As I drove to the meeting, I thought how the 20 years of invalidation I have received from my STBxw exploded out in that moment on my poor son. This is such a screwed up way to live. My kids know their dad to be the calm parent, the one who doesn't often raise his voice, who loves them no matter what, and who tries not to scare them. But I am so triggered by decades of invalidation and black and white thinking, I can't bear to think of my son picking up those horrible platitudes and crazy crap from her. I see red when my 5 year old parrots those awful lectures and absolute nonsense that she preaches to me and others. I don't want him to be brainwashed and enlisted into her BPD thinking.

Any advice out there would help. Feeling very low right now.

[takingandsending]

So, on the morning of my 4 way meeting with STBxw, her attorney and my attorney, I am getting S5 and S11 ready for school. S5 has been on and off fussing and fighting with his brother and me. Now, S5 is upset about misplacing a mood ring that my uBPDw had bought him for Christmas. I am helping put his boots on and tell him that we will try to find it later after school (I wasn't rushing him, I was looking in his eyes, saying I could see he was upset and that he just had it this morning and we would try to find it after school). He responded with an outburst, saying "No. You don't try. You either help find it or you don't."

It was like my wife had possessed him and was speaking through S5's mouth. I lost it. He was sitting on the stairs. I shoved his boot on his foot so hard his knee popped up and hit his chest (not hard thankfully). Of course he started bawling because my reaction totally freaked him out. I walked away for a few seconds, listened to him sobbing and came back and told him that what I did was wrong, that I was angry, but that it was not right for me to act it out and scare him. I reassured him that I loved him, and that he was not responsible for me getting mad. I stayed with him while he cried, and eventually held him when he was ready. He was still crying in the car until we started driving, and it wasn't until we got out and I was taking him to kindergarten that he seemed to adjust from the upset.

As I drove to the meeting, I thought how the 20 years of invalidation I have received from my STBxw exploded out in that moment on my poor son. This is such a screwed up way to live. My kids know their dad to be the calm parent, the one who doesn't often raise his voice, who loves them no matter what, and who tries not to scare them. But I am so triggered by decades of invalidation and black and white thinking, I can't bear to think of my son picking up those horrible platitudes and crazy crap from her. I see red when my 5 year old parrots those awful lectures and absolute nonsense that she preaches to me and others. I don't want him to be brainwashed and enlisted into her BPD thinking.

Any advice out there would help. Feeling very low right now.

[martillo]

No real advice other than give yourself grace to make mistakes just like each and every one of the rest of us have done!  If this is not your norm, your kids will recognize that. 

[livednlearned]

I have a similar thing that happened with my son

My T pointed out that my skill and strength as the non-disordered parent is that I could repair and recover.

That's what you shared with your son.

All parents get mad. You are the parent who could give yourself a time-out, reflect on what happened, come back to your kid and reassure him, hold him while he felt his feelings, and then move forward. That's a big part of building emotional resilience.

You could even revisit it if you felt he was hanging onto it. I often mishandled big things with my son and then T would say, Well go talk to him.

And I did

If you want to really tap dance on the teachable moment, you could talk to your son and ask him if he's ever felt that way, how did he handle it. What has he tried when that happens? Does he know what made him feel that way? What did he think went wrong? What did he think went right?

[takingandsending]

What distresses me is how easily triggered I was. S5 has a very close relationship with his mom. He often uses words and phrasing she uses - typically new age platitudes. I apparently harbor a lot of resentment when it comes to my wife's beliefs. She has sought to cure all her problems through self help and self enrichment. I guess I still feel betrayed that she threw me over for her new age quick fixes. I feel extremely invalidated by her when it comes to this stuff, so I need help to ease this trigger.

I know all parents make mistakes and that repairs and validation are huge for kids when we do. Just caught by surprise how quick and strong my anger came. More room for growth and learning about myself. Oh joy. Thanks for the kind of words martillo and lnl.

[livednlearned]

I understand the trigger when their words mirror the BPD parent.

My son would say, You love the dog more than me.

And my head would explode.  

Kids are so much more malleable, they're still forming. I found I could counter my son's comments in ways that never worked with BPDx.

"You must feel so bad to say that" became my new way to respond. "When did you first start feeling that way?"

Also, my son looks exactly like my ex. I mean, like mini-me level. Sometimes, he would have the same facial expression, same hand gestures.

I get how a moment can blow up quickly like that. Plus, you're under divorce stress.

Be gentle with yourself. Someone has to take care of you right now. Might as well let it be you.  

LnL