I'm new here and grateful to have found this

[MotherLion]

Hi everyone,
I'm new here and hope I my babbling makes sense. I have 2 (out of 4) adult children with BPD. I went through a nasty custody battle/divorce when my oldest son was 14. His dad did everything possible to make the kids hate me. He told them I was crazy and I would "kidnap" them if they were ever around me. Needless to say, my oldest son has not spoken to me for years. Although he is an attorney, everything is black or white. I wasn't invited to his wedding, nor have I ever seen his daughter who is now 7 months old.
My daughter (child #3) also sees everything as black/white. For the longest time we were close. When she struggled with relationships, she (and her 2 girls) would move back in with me. My granddaughters are 11 and 7. They all lived with me for 4+ years. My daughters birthday is today. She is turning 30. I am sick as I watch her ruining her marriage to a wonderful guy. Her moods are all over the place. She refuses to discuss issues, instead she just rants and raves. Back in July when her relationship with her husband was temporarily ok, she decided she really wanted this $35,000 Jeep and I should get it for her. I had been working on setting better boundaries and told her I love you, but I can't afford to buy u a jeep right now. She has not spoken to me for 6 months. She won't let me spend time with my granddaughters, and is just nasty when I try and make contact with her. She now claims both me and her husband are "toxic" and SUPPOSEDLY a therapist told her to get toxic people out of her life. I'm 99% sure she does not go to therapy. I miss my daughter and my granddaughters so much. Because she kicked her husband out of the house last week, I now get to pick up the girls from their bus stop after school and bring them to my house until she gets off work. I thought maybe this might be the start of her letting me back in her life. Didn't work that way. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. The 7 year old reports every single word, action, snack etc. to her mom the minute she gets in her car. It doesn't matter what the 7 year old says, my daughter takes it out of context or makes a big deal out of nothing or is angry at me again. It's sad because my 11 year old granddaughter has told me she has been trying to figure out why I'm not part of their family anymore. She tells me how much she misses me. I simply tell her that no matter what, whether I see her a lot or not, I will always love her more than she even knows is possible and I will never forget her. She told me she is scared she won't ever see me again. I told her I hope that doesn't happen but if it does, I will be waiting with open arms on her 18th birthday. She made me promise I would still be waiting to see her. I have tried everything I can think of to make things right with my daughter. It doesn't work. I have apologized for whatever I did to offend her, have periodically left voice messages or texted to tell her how much I love her and miss her and much more. Nothing works. She turns everything around and texts back "you r always the victim. Get over yourself". It hurts so bad. I took the girls to the store to get birthday cards and flowers for their mom when she gets home. (She will probably throw them out since it will be obvious I bought them for the kids.) My youngest daughter (25 years) has always been one of the older daughters best friends. I don't know what happened in November but the 25 year old said something the 30 year old didn't like. She then told her younger sister she hopes she kills herself and succeeds this time. (The 25 yr old had attempted suicide several years ago but thankfully has been fine since.) She didn't even buy her sister a Christmas present. My daughters husband stopped oved the other night and I have NEVER seen him so distraught. He can't eat, sleep, etc. He simply said "I need a hug." I went to hug him and he just sobbed and sobbed. My heart is breaking for him (and the kids!). I want so badly to be back in my daughters life, although I don't miss the angry outbursts. I stand no chance of ever being in my oldest sons life. I have no idea where he lives. My granddaughter had her phone charging and while she was outside I did find my son's phone number in her contacts. I don't know if texting him will simply make him change his phone number. I don't know what to do. What did I do wrong to have 2 children with BPD? I love my kids so very much. Thanks for listening! I'm sorry this is so long.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Cookie Monster]

Motherlion,

When  I read your post just now, tears streamed down my face.  While our stories aren't exactly the same, I felt your pain as I read your post as there are a few similarities.  I don't have any solutions for either of us, I just want to give you some reassurance that you are in the right place, a place where you will be heard, understood, & know you are not alone. 

I have spent the evening here just reading posts & replies to those posts from some of the most insightful people.  The tears have been flowing like a river.   What I've learned in the past 4-5 hrs:  I have been afraid to let go of the past, of my most painful memories, have protected them & preserved them as if by refusing to let them go, I've been able to avoid acceptance of what I've lost, of what my reality is.  I can see that as a result, in spite of trying to be the best Mom I could, I was never really emotionally available to my daughter.  Maybe, one day I'll have a chance to express my sorrow to her'

I hope I'm not bringing you down, just reinforcing to you that growth is possible, but you may have to work getting the tools you need.  I too, am just getting started on my journey.  Love & peace, CM

[NorCAMom]

Hi MotherLion,

My heart aches for your pain. I have a 27 yr old daughter with BPD and my other two kids do not have it. I understand the anguish we moms feel when we love our children so much and things go so terribly wrong. It's easy to blame ourselves and wonder what we did wrong or what we could have done differently, but in truth we didn't cause the mental disorder and sadly, we can't fix it either. All we can really do is continue to love them, no matter what, and hope they will seek the treatment they need.

I hope that the relationships you've created with your grandchildren and others in your life will continue for you, and that at some point your BPD children can gain enough perspective to understand they should have you in their lives. I wish the very best for you and encourage you to read all of our stories and read the information on this site, like I am doing myself.

I hope you get some comfort in knowing you are not alone in your suffering, and that people like me care about you and understand your story. BPD creates so much havoc and drama that we need to make sure we do good things for ourselves too. Even a small respite from the worry and stress is so helpful.

Hugs to you!

NorCAMom