Getting past feeling angry

[WitzEndWife]

I just joined this board and have been reading and learning a lot -thank you for being here for me!

I really want to improve my relationship with my BPD husband, but I am finding it really hard to get past my own anger and hurt. It's hard to have the energy to listen with compassion and to avoid getting emotional or upset when he does things like drive crazily (when I've asked him repeatedly to stop doing so), avoid looking for work (even after he's said he'll do so), or complain about something I or my extended family is doing.

I feel overburdened and stressed. Are there healthier ways to manage our own anger with our partners when expressing it to them isn't helpful and makes them feel antagonized?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bananas2]

Great post & welcome! 
I'm pretty new here too. I actually joined a year and a half ago, but was too angry at that time to stick around very long bc I was letting my anger get in the way of using this site constructively for self-help and improving my relationship. So now I'm back & trying again.
So I completely understand what you mean about the anger. I'm still very angry about my BPD hub's past and present behaviors, but I'm in a place now where I'm willing to learn how to deal with my anger. There are a lot of very wise ppl on here who I'm sure will share their own experiences and provide good suggestions. Maybe we can learn together from them. 
I can tell you that for me, being in therapy has been a healthy outlet for my anger. Much of it has just been venting bc it is a safe place to release it in there & next week I'm going to start discussing anger management with my therapist. I'll share here any strategies I learn. Are you in counseling of any kind?

[livednlearned]

Hi WitzEndWife,

Welcome and hello  

It's good to have a safe outlet for anger, like talking to a T as bananas2 mentioned, or venting to close friends. Or us   so that it doesn't build and blow a truck-sized hole through your relationship.

Another important piece is having compassion for yourself. You can't really have compassion for your husband without that. In practice, that means starting with small things to take care of yourself. It might be something as small as telling your H you need a time-out (like when he's yelling at you). Let him know you will be back, for the moment, tho, you need a chance to get centered so you can take in what he is trying to say.

Other things might be telling him you prefer to drive separately because you have different ways of handling traffic  

What are some small ways you can carve out self-care?

What are the issues most difficult for you with your husband?

[Tattered Heart]

Hi WitzEnd,

Welcome to the board. I have been there and occasionally still go through periods where my anger will consume me. It's so hard living with someone with BPD because you never know what the day will hold--will it be a bad day or a good day? Will you answer the question correctly or not? Will something else set him off? Why does all the burden have to fall on you?

I can only share with you what has worked for me. Forgive. Forgiveness is a choice. It helps learning more about BPD and understanding that my uBPDh can't help it the way he feels (although he can fix his behavior). Forgiveness takes a bad rap though because many people don't truly understand it until they choose it:

Forgiveness is not:

• Forgetting: Your memory doesn't disappear just because you forgave someone.
  
  Trusting again: Trust is something that has to be earned. You can forgive someone while also saying, I'm letting you off the hook emotionally, but you have to earn my trust back.
  
  Removal of Consequences: Even though you forgive someone, you may still have to face consequences
  
  Ignoring the offense: You don't have to pretend nothing happened. Not not speak up appropriately for yourself builds resentment and anger.
  
  Instant healing: Emotions can still hurt. You have to heal. But you can choose not to let the emotions control you.
  
  Restoring the same relationship: Things don't have to continue the way they are. Setting clear boundaries going forward will help you.
  
  Giving them power: Forgiving someone does not give them all the power. It actually gives you power. Power over your own emotions. Power over letting them control your behavior. Power over deciding what behavior you will and will not accept.

Here is what forgiveness is:

• Letting go of a right to get even: You may have a right. What's been done isn't fair. But holding on to that right creates a chip on your shoulder. As Elsa says, "let it go."
  
  Moving forward: Forgiveness is acknowledging that what happened to you hurt, but choosing to move forward even though it hurts.
  
  Dropping the grudge or resentment: Forgiveness lets go of the negative anger/resentment towards the person. Unforgiveness and bitterness are like taking poison and hoping the other person will die.
  
  A choice: You don't have to "feel" forgiving to forgive. You can choose to do it despite how you feel.
  
  A step toward healing: You get the weight of hurt off your shoulders and can begin to focus on healing.
  
  An opportunity to display grace: We've all done things that don't deserve to be forgiven, but forgiveness allows you to show grace to others

[WitzEndWife]

These suggestions are SO helpful. I have been in therapy and my therapist is very helpful. I think I will talk to her about focusing on self care and getting through these angry feelings. I find that journaling helps, and getting enough exercise, and also yoga or meditation. Sometimes just taking a walk in nature with my dog can help too.

I remember some quote I heard once that says, "Hurt people hurt people." Sometimes I look at my husband and see so much pain there. He was basically ambushed and sent away by his mother and stepfather to live in foster care when he was only 14, and he lived in horrible conditions during that time. He still has never been able to deal with the anguish he felt seeing his mother smiling and waving while he was driven off to this hellhole. When I think of that, I have more compassion for him and I feel like I can look at the situation as it really is without getting self-righteous.

And I know it's about practice too. The more I practice being compassionate, the more compassionate I'll be. I'm SO glad that this forum exists and that there are others here who feel the same way. It's already immensely comforting to know that! Thank you!

[waverider]

That anger is born of frustration.

Frustration is born of not getting things as you would like rather than acceptance of what they are.

pwBPD cannot do, or organise themselves in a way to make these things happen. Yet they have spent their life constantly covering up this inability.

Hence they pretend to be more capable than they are (hiding the disability).

We see what we want to believe. That is we believe the delusions or false persona they project.

Hence we see potential were there is non, so failure to meet our expectations is inevitable.

This triggers our reaction out of frustration,. This in turn triggers a counter reaction in them. A precedence of constant escalation sets in. The very repetitive nature of this feeds, and preempts, the anger and frustration. It becomes a very hard cycle to break as we can't see, or accept, the reality due to the distracting layers of frustration that have set in.

The core of this is that we have to accept that they "just can't do' despite their pretences and subsequent excuses to the contrary.

This is the essence of Radical acceptance, which is easy to say but very hard to naturally think without getting frustrated by what you constantly think should be.

A pwBPDs desperate attempts to cover up their inabilities makes the disorder ultimately harder for them, and others, to accept and workaround. Its a world of delusions and empty promises.

[Lockjaw]

Part of the anger is setting better boundaries with them. I had to do that, and its been challenging to say the least. That helps prevent them from doing some of the things that really cause hurt feelings.

I told mine I will not hash out an argument while I am working.

The hardest thing for me is I don't want to be the ugly person. I don't want to say no. I don't want to bring up issues. I want to let things go. This means eventually I have a come apart because it stays bottled up. So I am working on that, and on fixing being so codependent, which is really how we end up with these kinds of people.

We want to fix them. And we can't. I sit there and wonder sometimes how in the world can she not see what she is doing? It baffles me.

[isilme]

I just had a cranky morning not-quite-arguement with H, and so I come here.  I like to type out my feelings.  After a lot of history, I cannot feel safe with a traditional journal, and on here I can sometimes get feedback that either helps by validating my own feelings (something H is really not equipped to do a lot fo the time, even when he's in a good place), or letting me know what else I may have done.  It also helps me see what I wrote, and guage things better that way. 

The anger for me is often of being told what I am thinking, feeling, or doing, when it's not true.  A big thing with H is he beleives I lie to him about looking nice - that I secretly want him to look bad in public so I lie so he will wear ugly clothes.  Truth is, I really care very little about how he chooses to dress.  He has weird quirks about what he feels good in or bad in, and focuses on thigns no one else would ever even see or notice, or think.  Unfortunelty, this hyper-vigilance about his own appearance often leaks over to me, and if I am earing smething he's liked (or other people compliment) many times, but it irks him that moment, it's always been ugly, embarassing, I'm stupid for wearing something that makes me look fat and embarassing to be seen with.  So this morning, I threw on a quick sweater to get to work.  H decides it's ugly, he hates it, it makes me look fat, and makes a comment about it.  I don't want to fight, kinda don't care and just want to get in the car, so I throw it off, realize the sweater I want is at work and it's not that cold out anyway, so I head for the car without anyhting on - this means I am throwing a tantrum in his eyes and all the way in I got an earful of how I am being stubborn and lie to him about clothes.

So anyway... .this morning was not the best.  Not the worst, but annoying.  I am annoyed that he feels he has essentially more rights to speak than I do.  That his emotions are more "real" or valid than mine - he does not SYA this, but his words and actions express it.  I get angry that I have the added responsiblity of being the one to be more aware, more in check, more inclined to hold myself in to resolve the situation than he is.  I get angry at being accused falsely of everything from lying about a T-shirt looking nice to cheating.  Sadly, BPD is not fair.  And any unfairness will make the person on the recieving end angry after a while, and time to time. 

Typing on here helps me.  I get to vent.  I get to share with people who won't simply dismiss it as the run of the mill bickering couples do, because BPD moves it beyond that.   

[WitzEndWife]

I can see how the frustration is in part due to my expectations, which are not based in reality. I'm also frustrated because, despite the fact that I am doing everything for us financially and responsibility-wise, I also have to be the "bigger person" and avoid conflict and learn to better myself. It feels so one-sided, that this person gets to be listened to and have their every need met, while I have to struggle to find ways to take care of myself so that I don't go off the deep end.

We just moved back to my hometown, and in with my parents in order to save some money to purchase our dream home. However, because he has abandonment issues with his own family, he has now made my loving, caring parents the villains in his story, despite the fact that they have bent over backward to try to accommodate him. Although he BEGGED me to move in with them, he now constantly complains that we're in the suburbs, away from the "action" of the city, that my parents have carpeting, that their political views are idiotic, that they spent too much money on their car, that they have too much clutter in the garage, that my mom's cooking is terrible, that they eat too much meat, that they are "mean" because they have asked him how his studying is coming along, and countless other little things. I hear this diatribe every single day, multiple times a day.

Occasionally he will lash out verbally at one or both of my parents, making some critical, snide comment that hurts them. It makes me SO angry because I know how hard they try to please him. I've told him that it hurts my feelings when he criticizes them, and I've asked that he stop complaining to me about them. He claims that I'm stifling him (I become the villain).

I'm not sure what to do about all of this. I lost my cool last night over him complaining, and it turned into this big, dramatic fight. I'm going out of town this weekend without him, so hopefully I will regain some sense of "cool" and will be able to try again.

[isilme]

I think you are doing the best thing for the situation, and being away for a little while. 

Your expectations are based on reality, just not reality with a pwBPD.  Normally, it'd be perfectly reasonable to expect the person in your life to be able to be, well, reasonable, at least most of the time.  We all have bad days, get tired, get cranky, and don't always act appropriately to situations and our age/level of responsibility.  And yes, it's part of being with a pwBPD that you as a "non" will have a great responsibility to shoulder to simply "adult" more consistently, more often.   

To help me with this, and I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I see it as analogous to him being, say wheelchair bound.  I'd not really get that mad at him for not being able to mow the lawn or climb a ladder.  I'd see his disability each time I looked at him and realize that by staying I have accepted a greater portion of certain responsibilities.

I see it as him being diabetic.  He may outwardly look able to do everything and anything but honestly needs to have consideration about what and when he eats, and be monitored for changes that can make "normal" suddenly not.  And in reality, his blood sugar dropping and becoming suddenly hypoglycemic seems to be a big rage trigger anyway, so this is a pretty good analogy to me.  (Also, there was a discussion about food allergies causing dysregulation recently on these boards - worth a read)

BPD, in my opinion, is an emotional disability.  My H is really in many ways less able to cope in an adult manner, a reasonable manner with things that to me are minor issues, or manageable if he was better able to "adult" and do things in a timely manner, self-regulate, self-soothe, etc.  He can't climb that ladder, so how, in all honesty, can I allow myself to remain angry with him for it?  Some days, he can be very much a partner.  Some days, he is pretty aware, and he has been working on improving what I see as BPD-issues (but I have never shared with him my belief that he has a lot of BPD traits).  I try to remember these when I get upset at the inequity.  I remind myself that if I lived alone, I'd still do the same number of chores, still have the same amount of time tied up in work, but I'd miss the good things that DO exist.

Y'all sound like you're in a really rough transition time.  If your H begged you to move, and now regrets it, he's going to dodge being responsible for that issue.  It may not work, but you may point out to him that while he's free to make rude comments, you and your parents are also free to mention that it hurts you.  That is not stifling, it's the end result of someone making comments meant to hurt.  I have to "yes, dear" complaining a lot.  H complains, and complains more, and I try to let him get some of it out, and then try to end it by finding I am busy, need to leave, run an errand, whatever.  Remember, the complaints are not "real" they are the result of your H's disordered emotions.  Don't allow them into YOUR heart.  That's a simple, quiet boundary - don't feel you need to fix or absorb your H's feelings.  It's all internal, and you can do it. 

[livednlearned]

Part of the problem is that he comes toward you to soothe his separation stress, at the same time he resents you for his feelings of dependence.

Much of this is not conscious (he knows no other way).

There are skills to help him move toward responsibility, and having that as a goal might help counter the resentment that is building.

The tricky thing is that moving toward accountability and responsibility activates stress and anxiety, which calls for another set of relationship skills.

So yes, it's work. 

[waverider]

 

To help me with this, and I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I see it as analogous to him being, say wheelchair bound.  I'd not really get that mad at him for not being able to mow the lawn or climb a ladder.  I'd see his disability each time I looked at him and realize that by staying I have accepted a greater portion of certain responsibilities.

This is a good analogy, the real issue being that a physical disability is obvious along with the limits. mental illness, especially personality disorders, are not obvious and often denied. It takse an extreme level of expertise to clearly pick what is possible, and what is not. This is what makes acceptance all that much harder, as it is hard to define what should be accepted and what not. Even that changes.

[WitzEndWife]

Thank you for all of your thoughtful words. I had some time away, which was helpful. He's also really sick right now, and I noticed that, instead of feeling annoyed that he was sick, I was feeling compassionate again, something I haven't felt in a long time.

I think I have to practice not taking in his hurtful comments. That's the hardest part. Like, yesterday I came back, and we went for a little walk, and he was walking ahead of me, so I commented on that. He snapped back, "I THOUGHT you were supposed to be doing all of these fitness classes... ." - implying that I SHOULD be fit enough to keep up with him. I've gained a bit of weight in the last year due to a hip injury, and he knows that my fitness is a sensitive subject for me. I did take it personally and it's SO hard not to.

He also likes to go for drives with me in the car and often purposely drives fast or crazy, even though he knows it scares me. I tell him to stop, and he tells me I'm no fun, or implies that I'm a stick-in-the-mud, claiming that NO ONE else has ever complained about his driving (completely false - his whole family told me that his driving scared them). This is something we've constantly battled and fought over. He speeds, races other cars, takes sharp corners, and "tests" the power of the car by stomping on the gas pedal periodically for a big pull. I have even resorted to screaming my head off for him to pull over so that I could get out of the car. My therapist suggests that I drive us to work on weekdays, so that I have control over the car instead of him, but on weekends, when he wants to drive his car (which is a stick shift and I cannot drive it), I'm not sure how to handle that. Refuse to get in the car with him if he's driving?

As for the complaining, I'll try not to invalidate him, but I will continue to let him know that his constant complaints are hurtful.

I think you are doing the best thing for the situation, and being away for a little while. 

Your expectations are based on reality, just not reality with a pwBPD.  Normally, it'd be perfectly reasonable to expect the person in your life to be able to be, well, reasonable, at least most of the time.  We all have bad days, get tired, get cranky, and don't always act appropriately to situations and our age/level of responsibility.  And yes, it's part of being with a pwBPD that you as a "non" will have a great responsibility to shoulder to simply "adult" more consistently, more often.   

To help me with this, and I'm not trying to offend anyone, but I see it as analogous to him being, say wheelchair bound.  I'd not really get that mad at him for not being able to mow the lawn or climb a ladder.  I'd see his disability each time I looked at him and realize that by staying I have accepted a greater portion of certain responsibilities.

I see it as him being diabetic.  He may outwardly look able to do everything and anything but honestly needs to have consideration about what and when he eats, and be monitored for changes that can make "normal" suddenly not.  And in reality, his blood sugar dropping and becoming suddenly hypoglycemic seems to be a big rage trigger anyway, so this is a pretty good analogy to me.  (Also, there was a discussion about food allergies causing dysregulation recently on these boards - worth a read)

BPD, in my opinion, is an emotional disability.  My H is really in many ways less able to cope in an adult manner, a reasonable manner with things that to me are minor issues, or manageable if he was better able to "adult" and do things in a timely manner, self-regulate, self-soothe, etc.  He can't climb that ladder, so how, in all honesty, can I allow myself to remain angry with him for it?  Some days, he can be very much a partner.  Some days, he is pretty aware, and he has been working on improving what I see as BPD-issues (but I have never shared with him my belief that he has a lot of BPD traits).  I try to remember these when I get upset at the inequity.  I remind myself that if I lived alone, I'd still do the same number of chores, still have the same amount of time tied up in work, but I'd miss the good things that DO exist.

Y'all sound like you're in a really rough transition time.  If your H begged you to move, and now regrets it, he's going to dodge being responsible for that issue.  It may not work, but you may point out to him that while he's free to make rude comments, you and your parents are also free to mention that it hurts you.  That is not stifling, it's the end result of someone making comments meant to hurt.  I have to "yes, dear" complaining a lot.  H complains, and complains more, and I try to let him get some of it out, and then try to end it by finding I am busy, need to leave, run an errand, whatever.  Remember, the complaints are not "real" they are the result of your H's disordered emotions.  Don't allow them into YOUR heart.  That's a simple, quiet boundary - don't feel you need to fix or absorb your H's feelings.  It's all internal, and you can do it. 

[isilme]

I dunno if this helps, but I wonder if your H drives like that because it gets a reaction from you that fills some need of his?

When H drives, rarely because he hates/fears it, I don't care for how he handles the car.  For me, it's more that he is just way too mechanical for the most part, like the car is not part of him and so he can't easily control it (not sure if that makes sense).  He waits too long to stop, guns it not to race, but I feel out of lack of practice and impatience.  He also has apparently never paid attention to our town, its layout, or the roads in between it and the larger cities near by, so he asks me which way to go, and I state something that a person living here 20 years should know (like, go North), and he gets mad because he doesn't know which way that is.

I have started having to tell him I can't know what he does and does not know, and he needs to sue his words to tell me what he is asking.

On weekends, are you going just for drives to enjoy getting out, or are you going to a destination?  Can you encourage him to go alone sometimes, be busy, have another task/appointment, but don't want to stop his fun, and then let him go driving while you stay out of the car?  And, though I know it's hard, can you try to not react when he goes nuts driving?  He's pulling your pigtails so to speak to exert power nad make sure he has attention, and if you don't react, that may take enough of the motive out of it and he may calm down. 

[Tattered Heart]

I have started having to tell him I can't know what he does and does not know, and he needs to sue his words to tell me what he is asking.

Yes! I do this quite often. He thinks I see the same things he sees in his mind. He will often start a conversation with me in the middle of the conversation that was going on in his head, and I have NO clue what he is talking about. OR he uses facial expressions, tones of voice, or actions to try to tell me things and gets mad if I don't pick up on it. I tell him, "I need you to use words. I do not know what you are talking about if you do not tell me" or I say, "Please use words so I can understand." He will often realize that he was not being clear and then explain it better.

As for the crazy driving, my H is the same. Wherever his face goes, that is where the car goes. It scares me to death! And I spend my time in the passenger seat clinching my... .teeth  I drive MOST of the time. It helps me feel better about things, prevents us from fighting when I gasp or complaint about his driving. In the rare situations when he is driving, and he starts to drive crazy or get road rage, I lay the seat down so I cannot see out the windows. He will drive however he is gonig to drive, but at least I can't see what he is doing.

[WitzEndWife]

Wow, I thought that I was alone with the wild driving and the husband who gets angry if I complain or make noises. My H gets upset that I don't "trust him" while he's driving. I tried just looking at my phone when he drives (it keeps me from looking ahead and freaking out), but he gets mad at that too, because I'm not interacting with him. It's definitely about attention.

I can try driving more of the time myself, and, when he's behind the wheel, maybe I can practice alternative reactions to gasping or clutching the door. Some of it is automatic, so it'll be hard. Practice makes perfect!

[Cat Familiar]

I'm in the same boat of having a husband who likes to drive fast and somewhat recklessly.

This is a boundary for me since three of my close family members were killed in a car crash when I was very young. (My mother and I were scheduled to go along with them, but she backed out at the last minute.)

He's free to drive like an idiot when I'm not with him, but I won't tolerate it. I say, "I'm getting really anxious. Please slow down."

He doesn't like it, but I do it anyway and he does oblige me by driving more carefully. I might have to say it more than once during the drive, but I don't care. Driving like a maniac is not OK.

[Lockjaw]

My GF was seriously injured in a wreck, so there is no driving anything like I stole it. Not that I do, but... .its just one of her things.

That is irresponsible behavior to do with your spouse and/or children in a car.

[WitzEndWife]

Well, in his reality, he's not reckless. He says that he is a good driver, that he could have been a race car driver. He is angry that I don't trust him. He has also admitted that he "shows off" for me, which is odd because I am CLEARLY not impressed.It's like he wants me to say, "Wow! What awesome driving skills! Good thing I have YOU behind the wheel!" instead of screaming.

My GF was seriously injured in a wreck, so there is no driving anything like I stole it. Not that I do, but... .its just one of her things.

That is irresponsible behavior to do with your spouse and/or children in a car.

[waverider]

Well, in his reality, he's not reckless. He says that he is a good driver, that he could have been a race car driver. He is angry that I don't trust him. He has also admitted that he "shows off" for me, which is odd because I am CLEARLY not impressed.It's like he wants me to say, "Wow! What awesome driving skills! Good thing I have YOU behind the wheel!" instead of screaming.

It is an extension of the delusional abilities of pwBPD. Difficulty in seeing the big picture and potential consequences. Same attitude to drink driving.

[believer55]

I think we are allowed to feel angry and shouldn't feel guilty about it. We can educate ourselves and learn knew techniques and validate til the cows come home - but we will get angry and bottling it up is not healthy.

For a while I was so angry I resorted to his behaviour - yelling, swearing, slamming doors etc but then I realised I was losing who I am and that is no good. I have tried to express my feeling to him but that does not work and the conversation inevitably turns to how hurt he is. So I talk to my friends even though he "forbids" it. I will not feel guilty for handling my anger in a healthy way.

As for the driving - yes we have that too  Seems to be a shared trait!  As mentioned I think it plays into their grandiose thoughts about how good they are. I am lucky I grew up riding in cars driven by silly boys  and I also like to test my own skills every now and then too so I don't get frightened - I think this annoys him as he wants me to react or beg him to slow down. He has lost his licence a couple of times so now I just think he is stupid - but BPD's also like risk taking so I now recognise it as part of that too. He will have to live with the consequences if he does something that costs a fine. Luckily I know he can handle a car and I don't think he is putting us or anyone else in danger or that would be another story.

Living with a pwBPD is unfair - I have resigned myself to that. We have been together 6 years and married 2 months - the 2 months have had weekly dysregulations so I am tired but I am trying to forgive (not forget) and I am trying to remember why I love him. Unfortunately the toll of the past 2 months means I don't even want to look at my wedding pics  Anger is a normal emotion - feel it, acknowledge it and deal with it in a healthy way xxx

[waverider]

I think you are right in that it is normal to get angry in these relationships, or any for that matter. We need to accept that and not feel wrong or guilty. Once you accept it rather than deny it then it becomes easier to find healthier ways to channel that emotion, rather than just having the cork pop and nowhere for it to go but to feed it back into the mix.

Having a contingency plan for when you feel you are going to "loose it" is a healthy thing. I think you would have to be an emotional cripple not to get to that point at some stage.

Recognising the onset of those signs within yourself is important. To me it is usually when I go quiet, find it almost impossible to listen and loose motivation to do anything else. This is when I am at my limit of tolerance and likely to snap back.

[WitzEndWife]

I am getting slightly better about anger. When I hear my own voice rising, I try to temper it back down. It doesn't stop me from feeling grumpy and resentful, but it can stop the fights from escalating. It's a small victory, I guess. We've argued pretty much every day, but there was only one time in the past week where it got a little bit heated, and only two days where he called me names. So, I guess it's getting a little bit better.

[Tattered Heart]

I am getting slightly better about anger. When I hear my own voice rising, I try to temper it back down. It doesn't stop me from feeling grumpy and resentful, but it can stop the fights from escalating. It's a small victory, I guess. We've argued pretty much every day, but there was only one time in the past week where it got a little bit heated, and only two days where he called me names. So, I guess it's getting a little bit better.

Don't discount the small victories. Each little victory could possibly lead to a battle won. Plus it just shows you how you've been doing better.