Standing Up Seems Impossible

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I feel so anxious, sad, nervous, depressed, upset. I feel like I'm on the verge of sobbing my eyes out as I sit here typing this.

Nothing "happened" - in fact, she's calm, there's at least a little money in our bank account, I got a decent nights sleep.

But... .my life is falling apart. Soon, there will be nothing left to give, and in fact several things will and are being taken away from me.

I need to tell her "My love, I just can't do things this way anymore. I can't be superhuman. I am not unlimited." But doing that - picking myself up, standing strong in my convictions that this is wrong - scares me more than all the consequences of staying the course.

What is wrong with me?

[DaddyBear77]

I feel so anxious, sad, nervous, depressed, upset. I feel like I'm on the verge of sobbing my eyes out as I sit here typing this.

Nothing "happened" - in fact, she's calm, there's at least a little money in our bank account, I got a decent nights sleep.

But... .my life is falling apart. Soon, there will be nothing left to give, and in fact several things will and are being taken away from me.

I need to tell her "My love, I just can't do things this way anymore. I can't be superhuman. I am not unlimited." But doing that - picking myself up, standing strong in my convictions that this is wrong - scares me more than all the consequences of staying the course.

What is wrong with me?

[formflier]

   
A very normal reaction to a stressful time.  What extra things can you do to be kind to yourself? 

Let's be clear... .there is nothing "wrong" with you.  Your feelings aren't wrong or right... .they are... .  They represent you.  You are the one in charge of protecting and healing  them... .

  in fact several things will and are being taken away from me.
 

Another big hug... .

Can you elaborate a bit on what is being taken away.  I don't understand... .

FF

[SettingBorders]

Hello DaddyBear,

I can relate to your feelings! Please, start to do something for yourself! 
If you face telling her you can't go on like this, you need to be in a stable mode. Get yourself some days off, eg. visiting a friend or relative who lives some hours away. You will see, as soon as you have planed your trip, even if it's not before spring, you will feel much better. Then, take time to think about your options and what you need for yourself. Make a plan and think and rethink it for some days or weeks.

We're here to help you. But if you're unhappy, you need to make the steps. There's no need that you can picture the whole thing yet. But do start now. Do something for yourself.

[ynwa]

Hey daddy bear,  there is nothing "wrong with you".  You are in a situation that is overwhelming and letting the feelings out.  A steam whistle the size of a big old cruise ship.

Write down here something you need to say.  Anything, angry, sad, hopeful.  Let it out.  Maybe take the kids outside and play a game, run around with them.

Can you take them to a park and arrange to meet a friend, anyone and just talk to them?  Maybe put a funny movie with them and just laugh a bit?

For now, relax your shoulders, breath and look up.  You will get through this, one moment at a time.  Then two, then three.  You might have to go back to one a few times.  Daddy bear, I'm proud of you.  You are far stronger and capable than you realize.  Now stand up,  and keep your head up. 

[CrossroadsGuyMn]

Daddybear,

I will echo the words the others have posted here.

Your feelings and responses are normal and to be expected.  We feel what we feel, when we feel it.

I will also share that just Tuesday this week, I felt much the same as you did, in a very similar situation.  She had been sober for 6 days.  No outbursts.  Nothing demeaning or invalidating was said to me.  I was not being emotionally abused.  "In theory", I "should be" happy right?

But I wasn't.  I felt horrible.  I thought about exactly what I was feeling, and the word I came up with was 'dread'.

Yes she was being good.  Even to the point of helping to cook, and clean the kitchen (which is EXTREMELY rare).  But after years of watching the cycle over and over I knew that it would not last.  That was the source of my dread.

And guess what.  Wednesday, she completed the cycle, got bombed, and was as obnoxious as any pwBPD can be. 

This time, though instead of wallowing in my dread, I planned my response in advance.  I went to the gym as soon as I saw her with the alcohol.  The only way I was able to do that was by feeling the dread, understanding it, (both painful by the way), then having an action plan that was actually beneficial to me.  Then the hardest part for me was following through with it.  It was a small, first step.  But in hindsight it made me feel great on Thursday and today.

Look for ways to find a small win, and be proud of yourself.  As others have said, maybe thats something as simple as getting some space.  Going to a movie alone, or for a walk.

Know too that you are not alone, and keep sharing on here.  I've yet to see anyone judge another on this site.  Thus far it feels extremely safe.

[Notwendy]

Daddybear- do you have any support system to help you achieve your goals- to be able to set boundaries and enforce them. I think it is something we all have had to learn if we have learned them- and all at our own paces.

There is nothing wrong with you. For some people- we didn't learn the skills growing up. I was not allowed to say no to BPD mom. I didn't even know I could say no, and it was something to fear. I took this experience into my marriage and allowed my H to treat me poorly. He is less effected than my mother. Through counseling and 12 step co-dependency program- I was able to realize my boundaries and be able to withstand the reaction. But it didn't happen all at once. One step at a time.

I think having support could make a difference.

[ACObound]

I also can relate to how you feel and I am so sorry you are going through this.  You are getting some great advice in these threads and I would ech0 what they are saying.   Don't know what you gives you inspiration but the right song sometimes helps.    Can I suggest:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcEA36jW66c.

I am needing to make decisions about my r/s with my uBPDw in Feb that for the life of me I don't know how I can.  But everybody sharing what they do here, I am slowly getting there.
You can do it

 

[DaddyBear77]

Can you elaborate a bit on what is being taken away.  I don't understand... .

FF, I have been thinking about my statement ever since I wrote it.

One explicit thing I'm referring to is things like lawsuits from creditors and repossession of my car.

I'm also referring to things that I've let get taken away, like my relationship with my parents and brothers (uBPDw insists they're toxic), my best friends from high school.

There are other less tangible things, too.

I think I could probably sort these things out and regain some of what I've lost, IF I'm willing to stand up for them / myself. I know how incredibly difficult, if not impossible, that process will be if I go at it with the mindset of trying to save my relationship with my pwBPD.

[DaddyBear77]

Daddybear- do you have any support system to help you achieve your goals
... .
I think having support could make a difference.

Notwendy- I do not currently have an effective support system. I'm seeing a T now that isn't as helpful as previous Ts but he's less expensive. As I mentioned in my reply to FF, I've isolated myself from friends and family. And going to a support group IRL would be difficult to make the time for given the push back I'd receive from my pwBPD.

Having said all that, I completely agree and I will be taking steps to correct that.

[ortac77]

Daddybear, sorry to hear about the things that you are losing, things that you have no doubt worked hard for.

But please don't lose yourself, relationships and friendships are so important, easy to lose in  BPD relationship, I know because I lost those myself and only now as I feel my sanity slowly returning realise that my life is actually all I can have influence over and that I have to put my needs first.

Please get some support - I honestly think we 'nons' can be more at risk than our BPD partners

[DaddyBear77]

Everyone has been so helpful, I truly appreciate it.

I was up for most of the night last night. My anxiety levels at an 11 on a scale from 1 to 10.

My brain raced from item to item, trying to calculate a route around and away from each stressor. I really wish my pwBPD could be supportive, but I know she won't / can't, and so I didn't even mention my stressed out state.

Something happened, though, when I finally slept a little and woke up to start the day. My wife and I had a pleasant conversation (intimacy, intercourse, sexual activity of any kind - none of that happens with us anymore, and that's for the best). Then, on a dime, she tells me how awful I've been to have taken her life away. I've purposely caused our problems, and I have refused to single handedly fix them. I'm leaving her no choice - she's going to HAVE to leave me, soon, and she really doesn't want to have to.

And the thing that happened was I saw how very much she is affected by this distorted thinking. I saw again how consumed she is by her PD. And I also saw how very little I can ever really expect from her.

I will never end my life prematurely because of this. But the stress will shorten it, I think. I need something to hope for so I can grab onto it and pull myself out. I'm going to go try and find that now.

Thanks again for listening.

DB

[formflier]

How did you react when she started to say those things... .that you ruined her life... .etc etc?

Also... .separate but important issue... .what are your strategies to deal with your anxieties?  Strategies that don't involve your pwBPD.

Hang tough... .be deliberate about caring for yourself!

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Then, on a dime, she tells me how awful I've been to have taken her life away. I've purposely caused our problems, and I have refused to single handedly fix them. I'm leaving her no choice - she's going to HAVE to leave me, soon, and she really doesn't want to have to.

  This is tough to hear. REALLY tough.

However what she says is 100% false. She can leave you. If she does, it will be because she chose to. She can blame you if she wants, but it is still her choice to leave you, not hers.

That said, her SAYING she will leave or has to leave is (98% chance) an attempt to influence/manipulate/control you. While she might follow through, she's saying not not so much because she will do it, but because of what she wants from you so she will stay.

My recommendation is to respond to that with something like "I love you and hope you will stay, but I won't keep you if you choose to go."

I'm also referring to things that I've let get taken away, like my relationship with my parents and brothers (uBPDw insists they're toxic), my best friends from high school.

I'd recommend that you re-connect to friends and relatives. If you need to apologize for letting the relationships go. (Whether you mention your wife's involvement in that choice or not.) You need support, especially support in the real world.

That said, if you try to make any of these changes, the likely outcome will be arguments, criticism, rages, threats to leave, dysregulations, etc. from your wife to get you back under control, and keep you away from "toxic" stuff.

So be prepared to protect yourself from that--by removing yourself from it. Tell her you won't be spoken to that way. If she continues, leave the room (or hang up the phone/mute texts/block texts/etc). If she follows you, leave the house.

Be ready to protect yourself from these streams of verbal abuse, and do it as consistently as you can. Enforcing that boundary is important because it will come up when you try to do anything else.

Trust me, it can get better. And I know how hard it is.

[ortac77]

Daddybear

Its not you - 100% - it is her choice to leave, her choice and she takes responsibility for her choices.

Your life is important - make your choices for you - don't accept manipulation or abuse, its bloody difficult and in protecting yourself expect reaction but you need to look after you

[ACObound]

DB You are getting some great help in these folks.  As I have mentioned in previous posts, we are almost  exactly in the same spot and time .  Grey kitty advice of re-connection with friends and families is so important.  I spent decades(yes decades) pushing friends and esp family away as steered my life in the confusion.  I was so surprised and so thankful as friends and esp family welcomed me back and were there for me despite all those years of exclusion.  They weren't suprised, though and had seen "it' through all the years yet know I had to take care of myself first and they were always there, waiting, to help me get through,    The group you have responding here is here is truly a great group.   Do develop strategies to take care of yourself.  It is without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done.  But as so many have pointed out, it can be done . Only recently have I started to give myself a break when I relapsed and didn't stick to boundaries.   I love my uBPDw.  I have heard practically every horrible thing(the latest, I single handily destroyed our family and will never be forgiven) you have from her despite all the things we have been through together in 36+ years.   I am slowly, very slowly, gaining strength so I know it can be done.   I don't mean to tag onto your thread.  I have been in the background(hard for me to write exactly what is going on in my head) with all these people here and they have helped tremendously.   As the saying goes, together we are better.   Stay strong, this to will pass

[DaddyBear77]

Thank you everyone. Your support is incredibly helpful and encouraging. It gives me a perfect sense that I'm not alone in this struggle and that the scenarios I'm describing are repeated in many of your lives.

It's very hard for me to ask for support. I am a rescuer, not a rescue-ee. But I'm glad I asked. So thank you.

[Grey Kitty]

It's very hard for me to ask for support. I am a rescuer, not a rescue-ee. But I'm glad I asked. So thank you.

Yes, we are here for you. 

BTW, that "rescuer" bit is one of your better characteristics... .taken a bit too far. Can you see what it led you toward doing in your marriage?

[ortac77]

About 20 years ago in a different relationship I went through a period of depression, at the time CBT helped and I can recall the therapist commenting that my need to rescue was based on a false image of myself. He asked why I felt I had to keep 'proving myself' - I just did not get it then perhaps because I saw it as the only way of defining my worth.

In fact thinking back I can recall quite a few occasions when others commented on my need to always be the nice guy and would it not be good to let someone look after me for a change.

This is coming back to me now and I realise that advice was good advice, I have made a lot of progress but I also still have some way to go. Rescuing is a 'good' characteristic but not when it becomes a defining one and excludes other possibilities. Looking back all of my relationships have been based on rescuing and I think that goes right back to childhood.

After all I was an 'abandoned baby' taken in by a 'rescuer' who became my Mother- all my images of her are positive but she spent her life helping others, I think this was ingrained in me at an early age.

Asking for support is hard because I am not used to it but I am starting to see how as `i get older that rescuing neither really helps the other person nor does it help me unless there are careful 'checks and balances' - it is not in itself a bad characteristic but it needs to be in harmony with putting my needs in place as well.

This recovery stuff is hard but then I am beginning to see that I am worth it. Best of luck Daddybear - we are all worth it!
 

[hope2000]

I'm so sorry to hear your struggles. I can relate after been through what you've said. The key for me in the end was to place strong boundaries and stuck to them. In the end she left.

[formflier]

Nothing wrong with being a rescuer.  That is who you are. 

In fact, I would suggest the way forward is to focus on this part of your personality and be more deliberate about when to rescue and when to not rescue.  After all, the goal of my most rescuers is to help another person. 

FF

[Notwendy]

I agree that the desire to help others is a good thing, but it can also cross the line to enabling and co-dependency.

I think it helps to define "helping" another person. Sometimes "helping" is to allow them to learn from the natural consequences of their behavior- so long as it doesn't put them in harm.

For instance, we protect a child from some things, but if a child is forgetting their jacket every day, and we remind them, they don't get to experience that if they run outside without the coat, they will be cold. Letting the child run outside and then back in to get the jacket is a more effective way to be "caring" than to remind him about his jacket every time. It takes the control from the parent to the child- promotes self control.

The natural consequence of spending money without caution is that you run out of money. We give allowances to children to teach them that. If you give a kid money and he goes out an spends it all on candy, then says " I want this toy" - is it helping him to buy the toy, or to say no and show him how to save his allowance for that- even if he isn't happy about it in the moment?

He may pitch a fit, but the goal is to teach a child to manage his own feelings. If we step in and manage them for him, we rob him of that lesson.  

If letting a child have all the money they want isn't a good thing, then why is it OK to do this for your wife?

Who is rescuing who? Your wife wants money, you say their isn't any, and she is upset. So are you stepping in to rescue her from her discomfort by giving her money? What about letting her manage her own discomfort?

If we look into our own rescuing/enabling behavior, we can see it is really self seeking. If we can't stand it when someone is upset at us, we are actually rescuing ourselves from our own discomfort. If we need to not be seen as the bad guy, we rescue our own self image.

We need rescuers when there are people to protect, but a person being upset isn't in danger. . Military people, healthcare workers, law enforcement- all are necessary and important. But enablers are not really helpful to others.

[DaddyBear77]

I agree that the desire to help others is a good thing, but it can also cross the line to enabling and co-dependency.

Yes, I have absolutely crossed the line into enablement. Codependency is also an issue for me, I think, but I don't understand enough about it yet to do anything about it. The classic book "Codependent No More" didn't resonate as much for me as I had hoped. Perhaps I should look further.

If letting a child have all the money they want isn't a good thing, then why is it OK to do this for your wife?

If I am honest with myself / take an honest assessment of my parenting style, I have to admit I do the same kinds of things with D3 as I do with my pwBPD. I've given in to many tantrums, from both of them.

If we can't stand it when someone is upset at us, we are actually rescuing ourselves from our own discomfort. If we need to not be seen as the bad guy, we rescue our own self image.

This is really insightful - I AM reacting / rescuing myself from my own discomfort. Very little, if any, of what I do has any true "rescuing" effect.

Notwendy - thank you so much for your insights here.

[Notwendy]

It could help to understand where this comes from. For me, it was my FOO dynamics and not being able to stand up to BPD mom.  What in your background that led to this may be something to work on.

Co-dependent no more didn't resonate with me much either. Stop Caretaking the Borderline did. I think it helps to see that enabling actually harms others- maybe that is an incentive to stop it, even if they throw a fit at first. It keeps them from learning to manage their emotions better and understand boundaries.

But to do this, we have to be able to manage our own emotions. That could be the challenge, to resist rescuing ourselves from our own discomfort by giving in.

Counseling helped me, but what really shed the light on my co-dependent behaviors and helped me to not give in was an amazing sponsor in a 12 step co-dependency group. She both held my feet to the fire as well as stayed on phone support through angry rages and a weekend of the silent treatment ( a long car trip- I was calling her at gas stations stops from the bathroom for help).

I am forever grateful to her for that. It wasn't comfortable. It was co-dependency boot camp. But it worked.