When the other kids suffer

[Momma hen]

I am in between a rock and a hard place. I have 50/50 custody with my ex. It's a week on week off arrangement. The problem I am having is that my 16 yr old (BPD) seems to make it extremely difficult for her sister (11). My ex does have a bit of a temper but has gotten better about it, however he has refused to educate himself on BPD and what it looks like and how to handle situations. So up until this last month, the 16yr old has refused to spend a full week over there, saying that he is extremely verbally abusive. The 11 yr old has always maintained that she has brought it on herself. This last month  the 16 yells has not fought about going and the 11 yr old says that he loses his cool and yells and cusses at her. When I questioned her further I began to see why. The 16 yr old spends most of her time over there pushing his buttons and getting him to react non stop. The 11 yr old says that when he finally calms down again  the 16 yr old gets him going again, bringing his temper to my 11 yr old as well. I am thinking about going for full custody. It's hard to know if it's the right thing. Nobody in my life seems to understand why I say that she eggs it on. They think I'm a monster for saying it. I am remarried with 2 step sons. My husband and I have been married 3years. He has been to all of her psychiatrist appointments and IEP meetings and knows what BPD is and has a good understanding of what it is and what to engage and what not to. The week they are here, my 11 year old says she can relax. I just want to do right by them and I think full custody is the to do it. Will the judge understand the unusual circumstances?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Momma hen,

It is sad that both of the kids you have with your ex are struggling with this situation. Why do you think it is that your ex does not educate himself on BPD? Do you feel like he acknowledges BPD as a diagnosis for your 16 year old?

In one of your other posts you said that her psychiatrist recently put a name to what's going on with her. He also said that BPD is a controversial diagnosis to give to someone under the age of 18, but that he has seen it develop over the last 7 years. Is your husband aware of her psychiatrist views regarding the possibility of her BPD?

We have a thread here about early signs of BPD in children that you might find interesting:
Early signs of possible BPD traits in your children

To further explore the legal aspects of this situation, I also encourage you to take a look at our legal board:
Legal/Family Law Board

Take care