I need some major advice. Extremely conflicted and distraught.

[shouldi]

My uBPD ex, who I know is most likely BPD due to the dynamics of the relationship and her saying she was molested as a child, I think is blocking off her memories.

She said she was molested by her teacher in elementary school. I believe this is a false memory she created. I am around 80% it was her father, and it was ongoing. This is all based on the conversations I've had with her.

Now, I could be wrong, but she told me grandfather used to molest his children, too. So I am guessing this is something that is in the family.

He is still part of her life, and financially supports her. Her parents are not divorced, and from the outside, he would appear to be a good citizen that helps many people in AA.

I don't believe my EX will ever heal until she confronts that it was actually her father that molested her growing up.

How would I go about this?

[Sunfl0wer]

How would I go about this?

Speaking from the perspective of someone who has been in therapy for the purpose of getting peace with my past abuse... .

Simply, bluntly:
YOU don't!

What ever her truth is, she is blocking it for a reason.  It is not your job at all to help her uncover or discover what she may be blocking intentionally or subconsciously.

Our mind's primary objective in a traumatic situation is first survival.  Her mind is doing what it has to to survive.

Now the issue is when we are having reactions to present day life that are no longer functioning to help our survival, but we are responding as if the same tools of the past are needed, and they in fact are hindering us in the present instead of helping us today.

Please leave the digging up of memories to a professional!  Our minds block stuff for a reason, for survival, and it can be dangerous to try to force anything.  Please do not play therapist with anyone. If you feel they need professional help, you can help by stating so.

Exactly what is going on between you two that is troubling you?
Also, I have to notice, you are posting in deciding/conflicted but she is your ex?

[shouldi]

Speaking from the perspective of someone who has been in therapy for the purpose of getting peace with my past abuse... .

Simply, bluntly:
YOU don't!

What ever her truth is, she is blocking it for a reason.  It is not your job at all to help her uncover or discover what she may be blocking intentionally or subconsciously.

Our mind's primary objective in a traumatic situation is first survival.  Her mind is doing what it has to to survive.

Now the issue is when we are having reactions to present day life that are no longer functioning to help our survival, but we are responding as if the same tools of the past are needed, and they in fact are hindering us in the present instead of helping us today.

Please leave the digging up of memories to a professional!  Our minds block stuff for a reason, for survival, and it can be dangerous to try to force anything.  Please do not play therapist with anyone. If you feel they need professional help, you can help by stating so.

Exactly what is going on between you two that is troubling you?
Also, I have to notice, you are posting in deciding/conflicted but she is your ex?

Yes, she is an ex, but wasn't sure where to post this as I do feel conflicted.

Would it be okay to speak to her therapist in private? I know who her therapist. Her therapist doesn't have a clue she is BPD or what happened with her father. Could I speak to her therapist with privilege so that the therapist can't tell her?

[Sunfl0wer]

herapist. Her therapist doesn't have a clue she is BPD or what happened with her father. Could I speak to her therapist with privilege so that the therapist can't tell her?

No, you cannot speak to her therapist and be assured her therapist will not tell.  
Usually when members have sent "private" letters to their SO therapist, the therapist then has read the letter aloud in the very next session.  A therapist who does not share with their client others trying to contact them about them, risks their clients trust, which is more important.

Often the person gets pissed to have the focus of THEIR therapy session that they pay for and spend time at, diverted to this encounter.  

My own therapist doesn't have a clue about many traumas in my past.  That is perfectly OK!  We are moving at a pace best for me.  

Imo, she is an ex, you need to respect the fact that this is HER therapy, and how she chooses to use this time is her personal business. (Actually, this is still my opinion if she were not an ex.)  

However, if she is struggling with certain symptoms that she brings to your attention, I see it fair game to let her know that that is a good one to maybe toss around with her T.

Sorta like grocery shopping.  Imagine if you decided she was eating all junk food and that is not healthy? Now imagine sneaking into the store when she is shopping and loading it up with healthy veggies and fruit?  She gets to the checkoutcounter and is like, wth? Now I gotta unload this crud?

Really, talking to her therapist is not likely to "help" her.

Yet, sounds like you feel compelled to "help," thus really serving a personal "need" for yourself. (Not trying to be judgmental, I do similar rescuing stuff at times, yet, I find it good to observe oneself and ones motivations.)

Why do you feel the need to help her?
What happens if you don't?
Can you simply trust her and her therapist to help her the way they see fit?
Can you deal with her NOT needing you? Or do you need to feel needed to feel of value/worthy?

Even if she is suppressing a memory, in the end, it still translate to how the person is behaving and functioning so, likely, the memory may NOT need to be directly addressed, so long as underlying patterns or feelings are being addressed.  Or, it is possible that it may get revealed and worked on now, or when needed, many years from now, idk.  But my point is, that in therapy, there is no ONE "right" way to go about it.

A therapist does not need to now about every trauma to help their client.  There are other ways to deal with things and ways that may be equally effective without full and total disclosure of ones past traumas.

The idea that: The therapist must know about her molestation to help her
Is simply false

Yet, seems to be where YOU are stuck.

[shouldi]

No, you cannot speak to her therapist and be assured her therapist will not tell.  
Usually when members have sent "private" letters to their SO therapist, the therapist then has read the letter aloud in the very next session.  A therapist who does not share with their client others trying to contact them about them, risks their clients trust, which is more important.

Often the person gets pissed to have the focus of THEIR therapy session that they pay for and spend time at, diverted to this encounter.  

My own therapist doesn't have a clue about many traumas in my past.  That is perfectly OK!  We are moving at a pace best for me.  

Imo, she is an ex, you need to respect the fact that this is HER therapy, and how she chooses to use this time is her personal business. (Actually, this is still my opinion if she were not an ex.)  

However, if she is struggling with certain symptoms that she brings to your attention, I see it fair game to let her know that that is a good one to maybe toss around with her T.

Sorta like grocery shopping.  Imagine if you decided she was eating all junk food and that is not healthy? Now imagine sneaking into the store when she is shopping and loading it up with healthy veggies and fruit?  She gets to the checkoutcounter and is like, wth? Now I gotta unload this crud?

Really, talking to her therapist is not likely to "help" her.

Yet, sounds like you feel compelled to "help," thus really serving a personal "need" for yourself. (Not trying to be judgmental, I do similar rescuing stuff at times, yet, I find it good to observe oneself and ones motivations.)

Why do you feel the need to help her?
What happens if you don't?
Can you simply trust her and her therapist to help her the way they see fit?
Can you deal with her NOT needing you? Or do you need to feel needed to feel of value/worthy?

Even if she is suppressing a memory, in the end, it still translate to how the person is behaving and functioning so, likely, the memory may NOT need to be directly addressed, so long as underlying patterns or feelings are being addressed.  Or, it is possible that it may get revealed and worked on now, or when needed, many years from now, idk.  But my point is, that in therapy, there is no ONE "right" way to go about it.

A therapist does not need to now about every trauma to help their client.  There are other ways to deal with things and ways that may be equally effective without full and total disclosure of ones past traumas.

The idea that: The therapist must know about her molestation to help her
Is simply false

Yet, seems to be where YOU are stuck.

Thank you sunfl0wer.

I don't think I feel a need to be needed right now. I just put together the pieces tonight and am sure it was her father, and believe me I was livid. If it were up to me, I would personally give the piece of filth a beat down. But I am going to let it go. If my ex ever contacts me, I will only deal with her with the upmost compassion and will try to avoid any critical statements. She isn't healed yet and I hope she heals at her own time. She will continue being an ex, but I can be nice to her from afar.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you sunfl0wer.

I don't think I feel a need to be needed right now. I just put together the pieces tonight and am sure it was her father, and believe me I was livid. If it were up to me, I would personally give the piece of filth a beat down. But I am going to let it go. If my ex ever contacts me, I will only deal with her with the upmost compassion and will try to avoid any critical statements. She isn't healed yet and I hope she heals at her own time. She will continue being an ex, but I can be nice to her from afar.

NP!

Not to be offensive, but if she does have trauma n her past, it is HERS, not yours.

Folks have felt angry "for" me.
Folks have confronted some of my abusers.
Or in some way helped to validate just how wrong certain things were.

However, there seems to be a time and place.

At some point, the higher level healing I have recieved, was when folks do NOT treat me like a victim that needs rescuing, beating up for me, etc.

Best healing for me is just being "allowed" to be me.  Heal how I choose.  Shown different perspectives, etc.

When the world treats victims like they are capable, powerful, that is when they start to loose victim status.

Some of the best lessons I have gotten here are on boundaries and the drama triangle.

In the drama triangle, people are either victim, persecuter or rescuer.

You sound like you have strong recuer tendencies.

Yet, to get off that triangle, you got to view people as capable and powerful.  So enabling folks to sort themselves out, trusting their capacity, and guide/show vs rescue, is pretty important.

Not sure if you are ready for that yet.  I understand you say you just figured this out, so likely are just in stage of wanting to react or respond and just wrapping your head around it, and came here to choose thoughtfully, and wisely for what is best.

Imo, best way to support your ex, is simply making her aware of possibilities for her, yet allow her to choose or pick up a tool you may show her.  (Using a tool for her would be enabling/victimizing further)
Hope that makes sense.

[shouldi]

NP!

Not to be offensive, but if she does have trauma n her past, it is HERS, not yours.

Folks have felt angry "for" me.
Folks have confronted some of my abusers.
Or in some way helped to validate just how wrong certain things were.

However, there seems to be a time and place.

At some point, the higher level healing I have recieved, was when folks do NOT treat me like a victim that needs rescuing, beating up for me, etc.

Best healing for me is just being "allowed" to be me.  Heal how I choose.  Shown different perspectives, etc.

When the world treats victims like they are capable, powerful, that is when they start to loose victim status.

Some of the best lessons I have gotten here are on boundaries and the drama triangle.

In the drama triangle, people are either victim, persecuter or rescuer.

You sound like you have strong recuer tendencies.

Yet, to get off that triangle, you got to view people as capable and powerful.  So enabling folks to sort themselves out, trusting their capacity, and guide/show vs rescue, is pretty important.

Not sure if you are ready for that yet.  I understand you say you just figured this out, so likely are just in stage of wanting to react or respond and just wrapping your head around it, and came here to choose thoughtfully, and wisely for what is best.

Imo, best way to support your ex, is simply making her aware of possibilities for her, yet allow her to choose or pick up a tool you may show her.  (Using a tool for her would be enabling/victimizing further)
Hope that makes sense.

I am feeling a wide range of emotions. Honestly, after piecing this all together, I don't feel like a victim for how she treated me in the relationship. All I feel is sympathy toward her. She is someone that I love and care about, so you know, no matter what, it'll affect me.

Yes, I came here to ask as to the best course of action to avoid me doing something stupid. I really appreciate your input and thank you for setting my mind straight, much appreciated.