Introduction: 10 years of footdragging

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I knew something was different by our second date. But she was beautiful, vivacious, alluring, confident and had a sparkling, flashing Colgate smile. She pushed for marriage after two months and after six months I gave in. She had been married three times and told me of many many boyfriends and that she was an expert on relationships. How do you spell stupid? LEROY. The arguments started immediately and in the first year we burned through four marriage counselors. Five if you count the pre-marriage counseling from a preacher. I thought it would be a good idea to "kick the tires" because of my uncertainties. I didn't listen to him. The fighting never stopped. Then the shopping started, her depressions kicked in, her ailments, her anxieties and her many doctor visits, her bipolar meds, her many easily formed male associations, her agoraphobia and the need to be held tightly in the Walmart store. My father had a lifetime of bipolar depression. I felt responsibility to her and the need to care for her or fix her or stay with her, like my mother had. After five years we separated and I bought her a house nearby and moved her in. And that's where it stands today. She would deny most or all of this, or at least that she had any part to play in it whatsoever. So now I am 72 and extremely unhappy and emotionally distraught and still can't get her off of my mind and see her practically every day. I do not want another relationship. I worry about her constantly. After five years I again read "walking on eggshells" and saw myself in it clearly this time, and the part I have played. The hurts and abuses and kindnesses still roll-on. But I'm taking some action at least by doing as the book said and going online to BPD family. I filed for divorce almost a year ago but its just sitting there at the courthouse and will be dismissed if I don't finish it in April. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

[Leroy]

I knew something was different by our second date. But she was beautiful, vivacious, alluring, confident and had a sparkling, flashing Colgate smile. She pushed for marriage after two months and after six months I gave in. She had been married three times and told me of many many boyfriends and that she was an expert on relationships. How do you spell stupid? LEROY. The arguments started immediately and in the first year we burned through four marriage counselors. Five if you count the pre-marriage counseling from a preacher. I thought it would be a good idea to "kick the tires" because of my uncertainties. I didn't listen to him. The fighting never stopped. Then the shopping started, her depressions kicked in, her ailments, her anxieties and her many doctor visits, her bipolar meds, her many easily formed male associations, her agoraphobia and the need to be held tightly in the Walmart store. My father had a lifetime of bipolar depression. I felt responsibility to her and the need to care for her or fix her or stay with her, like my mother had. After five years we separated and I bought her a house nearby and moved her in. And that's where it stands today. She would deny most or all of this, or at least that she had any part to play in it whatsoever. So now I am 72 and extremely unhappy and emotionally distraught and still can't get her off of my mind and see her practically every day. I do not want another relationship. I worry about her constantly. After five years I again read "walking on eggshells" and saw myself in it clearly this time, and the part I have played. The hurts and abuses and kindnesses still roll-on. But I'm taking some action at least by doing as the book said and going online to BPD family. I filed for divorce almost a year ago but its just sitting there at the courthouse and will be dismissed if I don't finish it in April. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Leroy,



I'm sorry to hear about your separation. It is always hard to separate from someone we love, but add BPD/traits to the mix, and it can be extremely difficult. It's very understandable that you feel distraught and worry about her.   

You've found a great place for support. Members here have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. The site has tons of educational material, such as tools, resources, articles, etc., to help you understand what you are dealing with so that you can make decision that makes sense for you.

Reaching out here is a fantastic step you've taken, Leroy. Have you thought about individual therapy to help you now?

Is there a lot of conflict in your relationship at the moment, or has the move helped?

Keep writing, Leroy, it really helps to share your experiences. We are all here to listen and support you.

heartandwhole

[Leroy]

 Living separately has helped with the constant arguing and quick ratcheting up of the tension and stress.  But  I still feel her contempt for me and the dismissive attitude is always present, unless she needs something. Right now I am not seeing or talking to her because she has again hurt me badly so I withdrew.  That's pretty much the cycle these days. And yes, I am in therapy and have been since last June  dealing with my own issues  some of which relate to how I ended up with a BPD so long.

[Leroy]

 We've been married 10 years, separated for five.  I have two grown lovely daughters who care about me but I have not been totally honest with them about how conflicted I am. They have their own lives, their own problems, and I give them the impression  that things are not great but doable. I find that I actually live sometimes in a kind of fantasy that things are great, or at least try to give the impression to the world that they are.  I don't know why I do this other than I guess it's my way of coping with my own insecurities and fear of embarrassment in a small community

[heartandwhole]

I don't know why I do this other than I guess it's my way of coping with my own insecurities and fear of embarrassment in a small community

Very understandable, given the circumstances, and the fact that you live in a small community. You have enough on your plate without adding outsider judgments to it.

It sounds like you are aware of the cycle; that is great. So many of us aren't even aware of the patterns. On the right sidebar, there is information entitled "Choosing a Path."------>

It looks like you might be on Step 2 right now, since you have temporarily stopped contact. The upside of your wife living separately from you is that you actually have this space to reflect, work on your issues, and take care of yourself.

What do you think would happen if you were totally honest with your daughters?

heartandwhole

[Leroy]

 I guess I have the feeling that if I told my daughters it would be kind of like kicking a skunk. No good would come from it.  What could they do? Would it obligate them to feel responsible to pull me out of this mess? I don't want that. I don't want them worrying.  I am in good health but they will have their hands full with me in my declining years anyway, regardless of her, if I make it that far.  My daughters already have total authority to act on my behalf with my finances and with my healthcare decisions, when the time comes.  I would never give my BPD any decision making authority over me of whatsoever nature. It would be a disaster.  My BPD is irresponsible, illogical, untrustworthy and incapable of supporting herself. When I leave or die, she will attach quickly to another man. Although she is 66, 5 years my junior, she looks 50 or even younger and has been mistaken for my daughter many times.

[heartandwhole]

I guess I have the feeling that if I told my daughters it would be kind of like kicking a skunk. No good would come from it.  What could they do? Would it obligate them to feel responsible to pull me out of this mess? I don't want that. I don't want them worrying. 

  I'm glad you haven't lost a sense of the funny, Leroy.

Seriously, fair enough. I understand not wanting your daughters to worry; that makes sense. I'm coming from the side of recommending that you to be surrounded by support during this time. Your daughters may not be able to do anything, but they may surprise you with their capacity to support you emotionally. At least that was my experience with my mom when I was going through a very, very difficult time after my breakup. Being a parent is different, though, no matter how old the children, so your desire to protect them is very natural.

How much is caretaking/rescuing playing a role in your relationship, do you think?

heartandwhole

[Leroy]

 I am aware of the caregiver/rescuer concept and may apply in my case. I don't know. Really need to do some research on that.  Maybe there is a control/manipulation component here at work. Maybe both caregiving and control are intersecting.

[heartandwhole]

Maybe both caregiving and control are intersecting.

   Yes, Leroy, I think they often do.

Have you seen this book by Margalis Fjelstad? It has great reviews and many have found it very helpful:

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

heartandwhole