Feeling down and depressed

[Angus]

Hi.i haven't been on in a while. My daughter is still suffering with depression and not working. Dr and therapist are seeing her. She see a therapist once a week. They started her on new meds. It was awful when they took her off the other ones she has been on. With draw systems were bad. I try talking to her but she has now turned to her bed mostly. And wouldn't return my calls and text messages. I tell her I love her and am here for her. And not to give up hope on this new medication. Lamotrigine. They are increasing it slowly.mydaughter is 25and lives with her boyfriend who really is not much help. I am a nurse working full time at age 52. My daughter was told she was borderline personally disorder about a yr ago. I still really don't understand it. I read a lot of good books but just want my daughter back.I constantly worry . Text her .no reply. She just plays games all night and sleeps in day. I help out with money a lot. Which has become a big problem. How do I detach without feeling bad. I feel I have become too obcessed now. And feel out of control. I work more and more hrs in case she needs money for bills. I gave a very good husband. Do you think medications help. My daughter has a good job waiting for her. CcA. At nursing home. It's hurts me that she shuts me out. This med seem to make her not talk much. I am so worried. I love her. I live in fear she will kill herself. She has cut wrist 3 times.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Angus,

This sounds familiar to what many here experience with their children. I'm so sorry your daughter is struggling  Does she accept her BPD diagnosis?

I don't know of any easy way to detach (or, in your case, wean her off your financial support). Although, lately for me I had a   realizing that I'm the one who experiences some kind of separation anxiety when I stop enabling my son.

On the Family Connections BPD website they talk about the importance of setting limits and not letting yourself become overwhelmed taking care of a BPD loved one. That can mean getting a therapist for yourself or, at the very least, setting up a support strategy when you start to wean yourself from the soothing you get when you support her.

Some people here do it in small increments so there is a long plan in place with milestones, or rewards for making changes in lieu of unquestioned support. For example, for every $500 she makes, you will contribute the same.

Part of being BPD is a desperate need to cling while simultaneously resenting any dependence. In that sense, it's easy to understand why she takes the money without being grateful for it as it confirms for her that she and others believe she is not capable, something she likely resents.

When she cut her wrists in the past, what happened?

[Angus]

Thank you for your support. I think it's me that has to learn to not enable and worry so much.i have always given her so much and I know I am an enabler.when she cuts she seems to feel better but than feels guilty and discouraged. I was a single mom and did it all my self and really worked hard to keep my kids going .i guess I fine it hard to say no. And not worry. I have therapist . They say I am a saint and too kind. I just hate this condition my daughter has. I leaf her father when she was 1 for abuse . But now I look bad and know he had borderline personality disorder. I didn't know about it then.  Thanks

[wendydarling]

Hi Angus

I'm sorry you are feeling down and depressed   and your daughter is suffering withdrawl from the meds is a tough one.  We are learning getting the meds right can take time. I hope your daughter feels some relief with the next meds, has she had many changes? My daughter is about to go through a meds change (high prolactin from antipsychotic), we are seeing an improvement each time and I wish that for your daughter. It's positive your daughter is seeing the Dr and therapist, is she in DBT?

Perhaps your therapist could work with you on setting limits as suggested by LnL? 

Small steps
Hugs to you and do let us know how your DD gets on with the meds, got my fingers crossed.

WDx

[livednlearned]

Thank you for your support. I think it's me that has to learn to not enable and worry so much.i have always given her so much and I know I am an enabler.

Recognizing that you enable is a huge step to solving the problem.

I was doing things like taking meals to my son's room   because I worried about his weight dropping.

It is a hard habit to break. I've done a few things to change the habit, an approach I think of as my healthy self communicating with my dysfunctional self under moments of pressure.

For example, I put a blanket at the bottom of the stairs as a visual reminder to think about my actions if I was taking food up to him. I had to also learn to take a moment while preparing food for him and step away from the kitchen to get centered and ask myself if my motivation was to suppress his negative emotions so that I didn't have to deal with them either.

Failure to self-activate and become a functioning adult is a bad feeling. We can learn ways to coach them without doing it for them, but first I think we have to learn to abide the difficult feelings that come up when we stand on the sidelines, and that is hard stuff!

LnL