For anyone who has an RO filed against them.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

For the people who have had a restraining order filed against them by their BPD at some point, I am wondering, in your experiences have they ever changed their mind or come to their senses and revoked it at some point before it expired?

If not, what happened in your situations?

[FallenOne]

For the people who have had a restraining order filed against them by their BPD at some point, I am wondering, in your experiences have they ever changed their mind or come to their senses and revoked it at some point before it expired?

If not, what happened in your situations?

[Skip]

MattS,

Once the police or courts have been called into to protect your girlfriend from you, it's really time to let go - however hard that is.  And it is hard. Being painted as an abuser that requires State or City government intervention and protection is a huge ego blow to anyone - more so to someone who doesn't see how such protection was necessary to begin with.

Take this seriously. This is a rattlesnakes rattle from the government - they will not be very forgiving of anything once you're "marked".

So, to answer your question, people generally don't go through the time, expense, and accountability (if he was unsafe before , why is he not now/ if he wasn't unsafe, why did you file). It they do anything, they allow you to violate the order without reporting you. This is really dangerous for you as they can, after the fact, report you (or threaten) and you are in violation. And even after the RO expires, you are vulnerable. If she makes a false domestic violence call to police - and they hear that there was a restraining order - you are most definitely going to jail.

I'm a very optimistic and hopeful moderator - but there are a few places where one simply can't suggest "hanging in there". Violence. Police/court intervention. Serial infidelity. These should be deal breakers for everyone.

[livednlearned]

Hi FallenOne,

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. Being the target of a legal allegation is awful.

Stories here tend to be about BPD exes who violate the RO they filed against their ex. In other words, she could violate her own RO against you by showing up somewhere she thinks you are, and then accuse you of violating the RO.

Do you keep receipts and document your whereabouts just in case she escalates this?

Speaking from experience, you cannot imagine the hell that exists when the courts get involved in these cases. Multiply the difficulties you have experienced by a thousand.

She has fired a warning shot and the courts empowered her.

It rarely if ever gets better after that.

[david]

I had three RO against me over a course of four years. They were good for a year.
The first one was in the beginning of ex's unraveling. She wanted me evicted from our house but that was denied. They gave her a RO. I was not allowed to follow,stalk, or physically assault her for the year. I never did any of those things and my attorney said it was a win ? However, we were both allowed to stay in the house which made no sense to me.
I can't remember what the second one was for but she got it. I believe the courts do that to cover their butt. If I do something during the RO they can say they did something and punish me more.
I can't remember what the third one was for either.
Sometime after the third one I purchased a video recorder and an audio recorder. I let her know I had them. It is illegal in our state to record and she was furious. I have never been charged or accused of anything since that time.

[ForeverDad]

I agree with the prior responses, once the conflict has risen to the legal involvement level, your previously sleeping self protection reflexes need to kick into high gear.  Some truisms posted here over the years:

• If the person is not in meaningful therapy and making solid progress toward recovery, then the person almost surely isn't improving and the conflict will keep rising over time.

• If allegations have been threatened or even only contemplated then eventually it will happen, given enough time.
• Once the SHTF of legal action, it generally can't be undone.  Backtracking things to prior status is the exception, not the rule.
• If there are children then navigating the legal waters of custody and parenting time is vastly more complicated, allegations (trying to make you look worse than the pwBPD) muddy the water and the accuser usually get the initial deference by the court and other professionals.
• If allegations have been threatened or even only contemplated then eventually it will happen, given enough time.  And it will happen again if given more time.

My conclusion is that any hope of restoring the relationship hinges on the first item noted above, whether the person is in intensive and progressing therapy - clearly evidenced and not just claimed 'recovery'.  If not, then over time it almost surely will get worse.  It's not a matter of 'if' but 'when'.  Be aware.  Beware.

There have been some instances where a member looked bad to the court at first and the member decided to chance giving the accuser hints that the relationship could resume once the RO/TO orders were withdrawn, then the person made preparations to exit in a more favorable way.  Much of the legal conflict centers on the pwBPD using the children as weapons or leverage and our members have a hard time overcoming that.  So going back is generally ill advised and risky, of course.

The above relates to the general patterns.  There are exceptions.  But can you entrust your future on hopes of being the uncommon exception?

[livednlearned]

The RO was likely provoked by her own separation stress (via BPD) and instead of defensive strategies in her toolkit, she reached for a legal one.

She is the type of person to do this -- she just did it.

Half truths and exaggerations are real to someone with BPD.

Bill Eddy, who is an expert on family law court and BPD, would describe the severity of your ex as dangerous because she used legal abuse to deal with her anxiety and distress.

[FallenOne]

I see a lot of responses such as "unless she gets into serious therapy and treatment this will only get worse"... Yet she has been in therapy and treatment since she was a teenager (she's 24 now) and is aware of her own problems, and has made a lot of progress working on them. That's what makes this so confusing... She's not an un-diagnosed BPD... Yet, sometimes she is doing things that would lead one to believe she isn't in therapy or on any meds...

If someone is in serious and intense therapy, why would they do something like this to someone they were with for 4 years over such a small event compared to other events that came before? There were literally so many other things that happened that dwarfed this most recent breakup and none of this civil matter stuff came up before.

[FallenOne]

My conclusion is that any hope of restoring the relationship hinges on the first item noted above, whether the person is in intensive and progressing therapy - clearly evidenced and not just claimed 'recovery'.  If not, then over time it almost surely will get worse.  It's not a matter of 'if' but 'when'.  Be aware.  Beware.

What do you mean by this? Not a matter of if but when?

Also, as my last post says, she has been in therapy and taking meds for quite some time now...

[livednlearned]

If someone is in serious and intense therapy, why would they do something like this to someone they were with for 4 years over such a small event compared to other events that came before?

Therapy exposes vulnerabilities and can trigger acting out behaviors.

Similar to when a partner breaks up with us.

We respond with protest behaviors.

Sometimes those protest behaviors cloud our better judgment.

[FallenOne]

We respond with protest behaviors.

Sometimes those protest behaviors cloud our better judgment.

So my defensive behaviors and words due to my high emotional state during the day of the breakup probably just made things worse? I should have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything and that would have benefited me more?

[Mika1739]

How was she successful in getting the Order 

[Skip]

So my defensive behaviors and words due to my high emotional state during the day of the breakup probably just made things worse?

This is a universal statement. We can all say this about every relationship. Defensive and emotionally charged reactions aren't liked by anyone.

I should have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything and that would have benefited me more?

Relationships (all relationships) and like buckets. You put water in every time you do something good. You punch a small hole in every time you do something bad. If you cannot fix holes or punch more holes than water is added the bucket goes dry.

This is most likely what happened. The event of that day was another hole in a bucket that was close to dry.

My point is that the relationship dried up for her in stages and over time. People with BPD are are hard to understand because they over express emotions and we tend to think the positive over-expression is true (large ladles of water) and the negative over expression is an aberration / it will go away (tiny holes in the bucket).  To her they are both as bi as she expressed.

Skip

[livednlearned]

So my defensive behaviors and words due to my high emotional state during the day of the breakup probably just made things worse? I should have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything and that would have benefited me more?

It's hard, right? We don't always get to know why these things happened. That's one of the toughest parts of grieving. "It's over and I don't know why." BPD break-ups can be so devastating, especially when there is no closure.

Using an RO is a sign she does not want closure. She may not have enough stability to end the relationship without taking drastic action.

[FallenOne]

How was she successful in getting the Order 

Because in her statement to the courthouse she put a bunch of half-truths that couldn't be proved or disproved... It was her word against mine. There was no proof... Most of the things in her statement were from at least a year ago or longer. The only thing I could have really used is her many trips to inpatient mental health and being in the psych hospital to prove that she was unstable, and my attorney told me that medical records couldn't have been gathered for this since it wasn't a criminal case and the allegations weren't about her behavior, but about her allegations against me... So my attorney worked out a deal to satisfy both sides. I got my weapons back and she got 2 years no-contact.

[david]

I live in Pa. The county has protection order hearings every Wednesday. It is routine and fairly easy to get one. All you really need in my county is to express a fear about the other party. They go from one to five years. One year is easy to get and the majority of orders issued. Anything longer than that is usually something serious.
The first one had me very upset because I did nothing wrong. After talking to people that work in the court system I realized it was the way things "work" here. The second one I was not as upset and asked the judge that he make all communication through email only in order to protect stbx from any threats. The judge liked that idea and put it in the order. Ex was ticked because she could no longer accuse me of saying anything threatening. I've been accused of physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse since 2007.

[FallenOne]

Using an RO is a sign she does not want closure. She may not have enough stability to end the relationship without taking drastic action.

Drastic action such as?

[livednlearned]

Drastic action such as?

Filing an RO.

[ForeverDad]

Most here didn't get any closure from our ex-relationships, it wasn't us, it was the disorder.  Any attempts failed or even backfired.  So we had to gift ourselves closure.  Acceptance, Let Go and Move On.