Borderline Ex Projecting her feelings on to child

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My ex has severe BPD and I keep trying to set and maintain boundaries by not agreeing to her many requests/demands.
However, anytime I don't do something she wants she projects her feelings on to our child. i.e. He is hurt, he is disappointed, he is neglected. When in fact it's all about her feelings.

I find this very frustrating and manipulative, yet in spite of the many books and articles I've read about BPD I still cannot navigate her twisted logic.

What do I do?

[Dionysius]

My ex has severe BPD and I keep trying to set and maintain boundaries by not agreeing to her many requests/demands.
However, anytime I don't do something she wants she projects her feelings on to our child. i.e. He is hurt, he is disappointed, he is neglected. When in fact it's all about her feelings.

I find this very frustrating and manipulative, yet in spite of the many books and articles I've read about BPD I still cannot navigate her twisted logic.

What do I do?

[Turkish]

Are these feelings communicated to you by your son,  or is he generally oblivious and it comes from her? Big difference here,  and the latter is easier to work with (despite being maddening).

[Dionysius]

I've never heard anything like that from him, it only comes from her.

[Turkish]

This might seem counter intuitive,  but you may glean wisdom from some of the tools in the Improving Board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

After all,  all of us here are still "in" these relationships to varying degrees. 

What is probably happening here is projection, or projective identification ("I have feelings of neglect,  therefore my son is neglected". Stepping away from getting lost in the psychology,  which we can only guess at,  it looks like your child's mother is feeling anxiety.  Given the projection,  you may as well (or at the very least frustration, even anger). I felt it when my kids were babies,  and I still get it from time to time. 

Last evening,  she dropped off something she forgot for D4, which she should have dripped off at school (I took a half day and picked both kids up from school for my weekend). She noticed D4's lips were dry and asked if I had chap stick. I replied that I had Aquaphor, which is better.  I went into the back room to put some on my finger.  As I approached our daughter,  her mom asked,  "did you wash your hands?" I ignored her and put on the balm.  She asked me again.  I ignored her and finished.  I got no further static. 

I had actually washed my hands within the last half hour in the bathroom,  and was also doing laundry,  which she knew because the garage was open. The old me would have gotten pissed off and at a minimum responded sarcastically,  which wouldn't have been good in front of the kids.  I didn't even BIFF it. This communication tool may work for you verbally . I've used it in this manner from time to time:

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

We have a saying here: "validate the valid,  invalidate the invalid."

The feeling that your kid is being neglected is valid, but the fact that he's being neglected isn't.  Using the communication tools like SET, you might be able to deflect some of this.  My personal view of this is to use it tactically of it helps the overall strategy.  The strategy being that you'll likely have contact through the college years,  but you need to keep your own sanity to be an effective,  healthy parent.

For instance,  I mistakenly,  in retrospect, thought it was safe to invite my ex to Christmas In the park.  However,  the dynamic of blame and anxiety were the same add on our r/s (I picked up on her mood when we stopped by her parent's house to pick her up and I was instantly feeling it was a bad idea). I was blamed for not watching S6 when he tripped on a curb and twisted his ankle (as if I could have prevented it even if I were watching him). Didn't feel the need to validate then. 

Dig into the tools,  some of which it sounds like you already may know.  Choose your battles wisely.

Is this helpful at all?

[Dionysius]

Thanks for your reply. It is very helpful.

I've read so much about strategies of dealing with a Borderline ex, including the ones focusing on validation.
Sadly, I easily get sucked into her manipulating logic. I'm still learning.

[bus boy]

Xw has done this many times. Tell me s10 is upset or not pleased with something about me and I would believe her, get all twisted up inside thinking I'm a terrible parent but when I would see s10 he was just fine, usually have no idea what I was talking about.

[bravhart1]

There were times when dBPDm would even email us to say that SD was sick, when she was with us. Turns out mom was the one that was sick. She would try to schedule dr. Appts for SD for symptoms that she could not have possibly seen since SD was at our house. Those were moms symptoms, and she was so heavy into projection and enmeshment she accused us of neglecting SD's health.

Don't be surprised how deep and strong this tendancy is in pwBPD. We found it helpful to try to clarify with the BPDm, what she was basing her belief on. For example, response to email, was not "hey you crazy B this kid is not sick", but rather, "thank you for sharing your concerns, we know you care very much about SD's health, we also care about her health and if we were seeing ANY of the things you wrote about we would in fact seek medical attention. We aren't sure why you think SD is sick since you haven't seen her, are you sick? If so, Sorry you aren't feeling well, but rest assured SD is feeling fine"!

[Turkish]

Lol bravehart1,

Yes, it's best not to reply with what we may initially feel. 

Your alternate response is more the way to go,  and you threw in some SET.

It's helpful to remember BIFF, and think of "teflon" responses. Reduce the targets on our side.