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Topic: Ugh (Read 395 times)
Blackberry78
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7
Ugh
«
on:
January 25, 2017, 02:31:31 PM »
I've been in a relationship for near 5 months now. I love him to death and hes super sweet 90% of the time. However that 10% is scary as hell. The biggest issue we have is how he interprets things I say or text. I am constantly hearing "don't talk to me that way" or "that is unnacceptable". The most recent issue started because I said "so, you can check fb, but you can't respond to me?" After trying unsuccessfully in every way possible for two weeks to get him to respond to me asking him to communicate a bit more since his job keeps him away. His response was to quit his job and pull the plug on us living together when it would be finished in jist a couple weeks and throw away a $250,000 bonus. The punishment did not fit the crime. We are now 4 days into an argument over this and no matter what I do, I am wrong. Even if I do exactly as he has requested on something, it's like he forgets he told me to do it. Basically I jist need help figuring out how to navigate all this without making it worse. He was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 years ago and being treated and seeing a therapist however I strongly believe it is BPD. Helpppppppp
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
Tattered Heart
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 1943
Re: Ugh
«
Reply #1 on:
January 25, 2017, 04:46:32 PM »
Welcome blackberry. Being with someone with BPD can be so confusing. You never know from minute to minute how they will react. The #1 most important thing we can do is to look at ourselves first before we look at trying to change our pwBPD. The lessons and tools on the right side of the page will REALLY help you learn new ways of communicating.
I can definitely tell that he is in therapy. Him saying things like "That is unacceptable" sounds like his attempt at setting a boundary, but he isn't being very clear about it. When my H is unclear on what he means, I first let him know that it's important for me to understand him, but I need more explanation in order to understand. With the right type of questioning it's easier for me to get to the heart of what he is really talking about.
Looking at the conversation about facebook. Is there a way that you could have described your frustration in a way that more directly shared what you were feeling? Perhaps something like, "When I see that you've been on facebook, but haven't responded to my text, it hurts my feelings because... ."
One thing I'm learning is that us Nons often tend to talk in code. We don't really say what we mean and tend to hint around at what we want. Part of that comes from being scared of how our pwBPD will react to us. Part of it is because we may have been taught that we should not directly ask for things for ourselves. Either way, to someone with BPD it can seem like manipulation or being passive aggressive toward them. Sometimes (not always) changing our language helps them understand us better and when they understand us, they may not dysregulate as often.
I hope you find lots of support to help make things better for you.
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Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life Proverbs 13:12
Blackberry78
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7
Re: Ugh
«
Reply #2 on:
January 25, 2017, 05:40:37 PM »
I can definitely tell that he is in therapy. Him saying things like "That is unacceptable" sounds like his attempt at setting a boundary... .
[/quote]
Holy cats! To me that was just coming off as him being a jerk . I never interpreted it that way.
With the FB comnent, I realized I could have said it very differently... .and not followed up with a book explaining why I said it that way. I apologized and took my responsibility for that part but he said it was no good because I keep doing it. I definitely have my own issues and am working on them.
I am not approaching this from the point of trying to change him at all but to understand and how to successfully set boundaries. I have spent most of the day reading articles. The one that has hit home most so far is the validation one. It's something I already did with him naturally... .unless I was angry. I didn't realize how much not doing that could affect a PWBPD. I also know to let him cool his jets and he will eventually swing the other way again and we actually have good discussions about our disagreements. However this time it is the worst ever. Usually we patch things up within 24 hours. It has now been 4 days.
I also learned that I need to remain as consistent and loving in my words as possible no matter what he does to try to upset me. Because once I make that slip, he has the drastic reaction.
One of the things I really struggle with is not taking it personally. It is so hard not to slip into thinking hes intentionally trying to hurt me and that he will leave the relationship due to my past abusive relationships.
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Echo87
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 27
Re: Ugh
«
Reply #3 on:
January 25, 2017, 11:35:17 PM »
First off, hello.
I too share your background of previous (emotionally and psychologically) abusive relationships. And I emphasize with your struggle to not take these outbursts personally. Before I had a firm understanding of what BPD really was, it was absolutely devastating to hear such negativity from someone who claimed to care so much for me.
My current partner is diagnosed with both BPD and bipolar II. We've been together just over a year, and our first six months were similarly rocky. He actually disappeared for a period of about ten days on an impulsive trip to the coast(an episode of hypomania). He's become a lot more self aware since that point, and any manic or depressive episodes have become much more predictable and therefore much more manageable.
It was a struggle to get to where we are now. It isn't an easy path, but if you're both willing to stick with it, and keep trying, there is hope. It can be draining, don't forget about your own self-care.
It's great that he's in therapy. Maybe it's an option for you, I know it's something I've considered for myself (just a matter of making time when I've got two littles to care for and a job).
You're not perfect, you aren't always going to enter into every disagreement with the perfect temperment to validate. You may occasionally get angry and lose your temper. That's okay, you're only human. Just stay calm and remember that those who have BPD take a whole lot longer for their emotions to return to baseline.
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Blackberry78
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7
Re: Ugh
«
Reply #4 on:
January 26, 2017, 10:43:02 AM »
Quote from: Echo87 on January 25, 2017, 11:35:17 PM
You're not perfect, you aren't always going to enter into every disagreement with the perfect temperment to validate. You may occasionally get angry and lose your temper. That's okay, you're only human. Just stay calm and remember that those who have BPD take a whole lot longer for their emotions to return to baseline.
I really needed to hear this today. I did not hear from him at all yesterday. So, anxiety has set in. He has told me that if he was leaving, he would tell me. If he wanted me to leave him alone, he would tell me. So when I hear nothing, I think he must be so angry he wouldn't tell me instead of no news is good news.
This after he said he would not live with me until my issues are fixed. Isn't that setting me and us up for failure? I also don't know how to deal with him right now. Do I validate and send him a text a day saying I love him and to have a good day? Or do I leave him be?
I want to be clear that I am afraid he will leave, but not because I'm afraid of being alone or anything like that. I own my own home and enjoy my alone time etc. It's that I am afraid to go through the emotions of someone leaving me... .again.
I have seen a therapist for anxiety but yesterday I decided to switch to one that specializes in CBT to help me learn how to curb my own impulsive reactions
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Lockjaw
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 231
Re: Ugh
«
Reply #5 on:
January 26, 2017, 12:18:58 PM »
Well my GF watches me on FB, and has said, so you have time for FB, but not me? So, when we aren't getting along, I stay off FB.
She is also the one that usually says something to me that I don't like.
Sometimes I say things to her she doesn't like. Usually that has to do with me attempting to show her how she is acting, as though I am the perfect partner. HAHA
It doesn't work well.
In the end, what I have truly discovered is that the issue lies more in communication. We often say things to the other, and their perception of what we said isn't what we intended. Me and mg GF have tried to communicate better, and are working on that. Often I find a big blow up we had was really over nothing, it was just one of us not specifically telling the other what we wanted, or how we felt.
And it takes ALOT of talking back and forth to get there. And its very frustrating.
Oh and I wouldn't quit a job if I had a 250K bonus coming. No way! I'd take it and bye Felicia someone and go on a trip.
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