Does age, ethnicity, physical looks or socioeconomic stats determine BPD targets

[AustenJ]

I had dinner with my nephew last night and we began talking about relationships and dating... .I shared that I had a tale of woe for him that was probably one of the craziest relationship stories he had ever heard since he was only 23. I planned for my story to be a cautionary story as I had just ended a 5 month relationship with a borderline girlfriend that had left me unbalanced and emotionally devastated. He listened intently with a slight smirk on his face and after the telling of my crazy relationship story he shared that his first romantic relationship at 19 years of age was also with a borderline girlfriend! So he knew exactly what I was going through, and he was able to talk me down off the emotional ledge. Here was a 23 year-old boy giving advice to his 55 year-old uncle! Before I left his apartment, feeling much more encouraged that I wasn't alone and that my grief was not unique, my nephew also shared that my younger brother, his other uncle who is a social worker and gay, told him that his first romantic relationship was also with a borderline! I look forward to speaking to my brother about this... .but it got me thinking... .

Are there character flaws or traits that run in the family that attract borderlines? My brother is a social worker, I am a public school teacher, and my nephew is a sheriff's deputy... .all careers in the helping field... .or is BPD so prevalent in society that it's impossible not to have one of these relationships at some point in one's life? I was astounded that 3 of us in the same family had been through the trials and tribulations of loving a borderline... .thoughts?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY COMPLICATED:

Sounds like none of you married a pwBPD, so that was wise. The early stages of a relationship can be exciting and a pwBPD can exaggerate that.  Situations differ. Some people see the signs and think they can be the rescuer.  For others, their partner hides the symptoms well, until perhaps a ring was on their finger.

I don't think it necessarily points to a problem because you dated a pwBPD, unless you have a pattern of doing that.

You might want to read the articles/threads at the links below and see if anything applies to you.  Perhaps you might come back and discuss further?

WHY WE ARE ATTRACTED TO A pwBPD;
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=67042.0


CODEPENDENCY AND CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

[AustenJ]

Hey Naughty Nibbler!

Thanks for the homework! I think the three of us are definitely all rescuers... .we all have wonderful skills at helping non-disordered  people who still may face extreme challenges in their lives... .but borderlines really can take advantage of this compassion, perhaps unintentionally, but still a recipe for disaster.

I will read those articles and get back to you! Thank you!

[AustenJ]

I'm curious how Borderlines choose their targets? Do they choose targets at random to satisfy their needs at that moment or does age, social group, physical looks or socioeconomic status play a role?

I am a white, middle-class, college-educated male in a white-collar job, 55 years old... .and I was targeted by a 26 year-old BPD white female who I work with... .we both have the same level job so I was not in a position of authority over her... .
and I was married... .

Thoughts? Experiences?

[once removed]

borderline personality disorder is a spectrum disorder. there really is no "they". its like asking who introverts choose as partners.

people with borderline personality disorder also do not "target" others. they do, subconsciously (or even consciously on some levels) look for someone to complete them; an unsustainable fantasy that we engaged in.

people choose partners of the same or similar emotional maturity level. sometimes, we choose emotionally unavailable partners.

I was married... .

this likely has to do with why both of you, unconsciously, chose the other.

[AustenJ]

Once Removed-

I agree 100% most definitely that we found each other... .I was very vulnerable at that point in my life, even more so than I realized at the time... .something I continue to work on with my therapist

[once removed]

I was very vulnerable at that point in my life, even more so than I realized at the time

how so? its worth exploring if youre open to it.

[AustenJ]

my marriage lacked intimacy and sex for several years, and I had just resigned my self to a platonic relationship for our daughter's sake; I had just transferred schools, leaving a horrendous principal who was a bully to me for 5 years, and I was ruminating about being the same age (54) as my father when he died... .and I had health issues with diabetes and stress... .

so I was very open to new beginnings in many areas of my life... .even though I was not consciously thinking that perhaps... .so I was prime for meeting a borderline and very susceptible to her charm and over-the-top sexuality... .plus her father died when she was 18; I was 22 when my father died... .so we had an instant, intimate connection beyond the sex... .she was a former triathlete in college, and she motivated me to get into shape and get my diabetes and blood pressure under control... .she pushed all the right buttons for me

[Confused108]

My ex had NO preference at all. Ugly good looking if they gave her a tumble she was all over it!

[once removed]

my marriage lacked intimacy and sex for several years

this is a common dynamic here, and in the rest of the world - seeking emotional connection (or more) outside a passionless marriage or relationship. what happened with your marriage? did it begin that way?

so I was very open to new beginnings in many areas of my life

i can relate. i had a series of bad relationships, my confidence was shot, and i remained single for three years. knowing my ex for those three years, i knew a relationship with her would likely be an uphill battle, and it was a battle i chose, somewhat out of the blue. i didnt know it then, and i dont think id have believed you if you told me, but even though i felt reasonably content, i was looking to fill a void. does that apply to you?

her father died when she was 18; I was 22 when my father died... .so we had an instant, intimate connection beyond the sex... .she was a former triathlete in college, and she motivated me to get into shape and get my diabetes and blood pressure under control... .she pushed all the right buttons for me

im a firm believer that relationships teach and prepare us for the next one. i can certainly understand that the mutual connection allowed the two of you to bond, and it sounds like there are some positive memories that may be less painful, more positive, with some time and distance, and healing. what do you think?

[AustenJ]

The marriage did not start that way... .it was passionate/intimate/exciting... .we will be married 17 years this fall, together for almost 20. After our daughter was born, she was no longer interested in sex or even the intimacy of our relationship, which I missed as much as the sex... .it wasn't her hormones... .I tried to get her into counseling which she refused, we fought, we argued, I taped Ann Landers articles to her mirror... .I acted out by looking at porn and talking to women on-line... .

It wasn't until we separated and moved out that she got into marriage counseling with me and addressed the sex and intimacy issues... .of course, unbeknownst to her I was already deeply involved with my co-worker, thinking I wanted to leave my wife for her and spend the rest of my life with her... .so right at the time she was serious about counseling, I was using it as a smoke screen

[Mutt]

Hi complicated,

does age, social group, physical looks or socioeconomic status play a role?

I just wanted to point out that one of the features on the top marquee are stats broken down by race, age, level of income

Borderline personality disorder incidence statistics: Read here

[once removed]

okay. so youve identified some dysfunctional coping methods here, and thats really useful going forward. self awareness is a great catalyst for change.

additionally, looking at the evolution and devolution of your relationship through a basic human nature lens (less focus on pathology) can lead us to be more objective about our relationship, and thus find a sense of closure and heal.

does it make some sense that you were both emotionally unavailable partners (you and your ex) and can you see how that played a role in both the evolution and devolution of your relationship?

[once removed]

I was a target because I had my shields down from my recent divorce - I had not given myself the time to find my own self and normalcy. I fell in love in what she was selling. She was a pretty 28 year old single mom. She was educated and into everything I was. The ex was not even in the picture at all ( har har har ). She was in a crappy situation and I was excited about coming together as a team - a family. She fit the empty puzzle piece exactly.

why do you conclude from this that you were targeted?

[SoMadSoSad]

It was like the Universe was finally saying " Hey Roger, you know all the crappy stuff you made it through... .well I'm going to balance it out for you... .don't thank me"

Then the universe made a big farting noise with its omnipotent hand and shouted " sucker! "

-roger

LOL

[AustenJ]

I think she liked that I initially appeared to be unavailable to her, but I made no bones about leaving my wife and being with her, BPD and all of her rough edges, I was ready to roll up my sleeves and really work on our relationship... .something I felt at the time I was not successful in doing with my wife

of course, my xBPDgf had concerns about my age because she wanted 5 kids so they could take of her and I wasn't Catholic... .

But I was adamant that she get into therapy first in order to show her commitment to our relationship... .she always said she would but never did... .so yes, ultimately she became unavailable to me also

[once removed]

ultimately she became unavailable to me also

emotional unavailability and fear of intimacy are not intuitive. think of the hermit who desperately longs for human connection but for reasons cant or doesnt obtain it. a lot of us felt closer in these relationships than we ever had, and many intimate moments were shared, so it usually doesnt outright make sense.

youve described a number of behaviors that tend to result in emotional distance - sometimes as a reaction to another persons emotional distance, sometimes facilitating it.

of course, my xBPDgf had concerns about my age because she wanted 5 kids so they could take of her and I wasn't Catholic... .

But I was adamant that she get into therapy first in order to show her commitment to our relationship... .she always said she would but never did... .

your ex probably did too, and probably has for a lot of her life.

learn more here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down