BP throughout my life.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there... .Whomever. Don't know exactly what to expect. Just tired of feeling alone with the "craziness" of BP unpredictability and after... .emotional "fallout" and confusion.// I'm reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" right now. // I am coming to believe that I live with a high functioning BP. He is quite successful in important areas of his life such as employment, getting "things" done, finances, taking responsibility for most "life" demands. // This is why no one believes we have "reasonable" problems, or that I'm being verbally abused. I don't know how he is at his work, but it appears that only I, experience "lashing out" unexpectedly. // We go through an undefined cycle of "ok" (we're getting along and I can relax and freely express myself)... .to some "wakadoodle time" of this not being the case at all (Then, I have to be careful of every observation, comment, what I choose to do during, "no win situations presented by the BP" ). // The times that are "ok", I live a fairly "normal" life and strive for balance and health... .working on my own life's goals. But then we unexpectedly cycle into "crazy land" and I respond emotionally (privately) to his lashing out with: confusion, anger, unexpressed rage, sadness, despair, feelings of hopelessness and being "trapped" (because of course I can't immediately confront him or express how his behaviour, or what he said made me feel... .and if by some miracle I can ~ after he calms down... .the situation is always distorted and I risk a re-escalation of the conflict between us. So, I usually just back down and don't say anything more.//
I am working on moving my life forward to either deal with this relationship as it is ~ with literal distancing (time away from him to do healthy things for myself & being in other places in or out of our home) and with future plans of how to leave if "things" never get better even after I've improved reasonable "triggers of conflict" on my end of this situation.// I just hate the times of "shutdown" I experience, after an incident... .and feeling fearful of being "myself" (I'm not really who I used to be anymore... .my core self) ~ or having to stay away because I can tell something (negative) might happen. (Often when he's been drinking)// Oh yea, forgot to mention: He may be a "high functioning" alcoholic as well. Because he can drink four micro brews after work (sometimes a shot or two of tequilla with this) and go to work soundly the next day... .this isn't a problem, right? (His belief)// This is when I REALLY have to be careful and just assume the 1950's housewife "be seen and not heard" persona. I pretend to be upbeat and nothing is negative about my day/life ~ and I do my damnedest to create an environment that's pleasing to him, or not complain if it's not to my liking (loud TV/ lights on all over the house/ ridiculous things said with a loud voice by him)... .or I just get out (to go shopping, walk the dogs ~ even at night... .we're in a safe part of the world where a bigger dog is a deterrent thankfully.)//What do I expect from this site: I guess I just don't want to feel so alone.// Whomever had the patience to read this, thanks. Just honestly venting feels better and I'm sorry it's so long. MtnGirlGo

[MtnGirlGo]

Hi there... .Whomever. Don't know exactly what to expect. Just tired of feeling alone with the "craziness" of BP unpredictability and after... .emotional "fallout" and confusion.// I'm reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" right now. // I am coming to believe that I live with a high functioning BP. He is quite successful in important areas of his life such as employment, getting "things" done, finances, taking responsibility for most "life" demands. // This is why no one believes we have "reasonable" problems, or that I'm being verbally abused. I don't know how he is at his work, but it appears that only I, experience "lashing out" unexpectedly. // We go through an undefined cycle of "ok" (we're getting along and I can relax and freely express myself)... .to some "wakadoodle time" of this not being the case at all (Then, I have to be careful of every observation, comment, what I choose to do during, "no win situations presented by the BP" ). // The times that are "ok", I live a fairly "normal" life and strive for balance and health... .working on my own life's goals. But then we unexpectedly cycle into "crazy land" and I respond emotionally (privately) to his lashing out with: confusion, anger, unexpressed rage, sadness, despair, feelings of hopelessness and being "trapped" (because of course I can't immediately confront him or express how his behaviour, or what he said made me feel... .and if by some miracle I can ~ after he calms down... .the situation is always distorted and I risk a re-escalation of the conflict between us. So, I usually just back down and don't say anything more.//
I am working on moving my life forward to either deal with this relationship as it is ~ with literal distancing (time away from him to do healthy things for myself & being in other places in or out of our home) and with future plans of how to leave if "things" never get better even after I've improved reasonable "triggers of conflict" on my end of this situation.// I just hate the times of "shutdown" I experience, after an incident... .and feeling fearful of being "myself" (I'm not really who I used to be anymore... .my core self) ~ or having to stay away because I can tell something (negative) might happen. (Often when he's been drinking)// Oh yea, forgot to mention: He may be a "high functioning" alcoholic as well. Because he can drink four micro brews after work (sometimes a shot or two of tequilla with this) and go to work soundly the next day... .this isn't a problem, right? (His belief)// This is when I REALLY have to be careful and just assume the 1950's housewife "be seen and not heard" persona. I pretend to be upbeat and nothing is negative about my day/life ~ and I do my damnedest to create an environment that's pleasing to him, or not complain if it's not to my liking (loud TV/ lights on all over the house/ ridiculous things said with a loud voice by him)... .or I just get out (to go shopping, walk the dogs ~ even at night... .we're in a safe part of the world where a bigger dog is a deterrent thankfully.)//What do I expect from this site: I guess I just don't want to feel so alone.// Whomever had the patience to read this, thanks. Just honestly venting feels better and I'm sorry it's so long. MtnGirlGo

[joeramabeme]

Hi MtnGirlGo

Welcome to BPD Family!

I can relate to much of what you are saying here.  There were many times I remember saying to her; "just as the car gets straightened out and we are driving down the highway and not having any problems, you jerk the steering wheel and send us off into a ditch.  Why do you do that?"

Of course the answer to "why" never made a lot of sense in light of the alternatives available given her stated issue.  I always felt the more crazy afterwards because she was aces when the car was in the ditch.  Just when I thought I could not stand another minute of the craziness, she would rise to the occasion like a champion and fix it all with the utmost adept ability.  Of course, she could not focus on the idea that she created the problem, just that she could fix it.

And like you, our closest friends and family always saw the best of everything which left me with a feeling that there is nothing wrong and perhaps I am making too much out of the problems.  It was very destabilizing as you mentioned.

What do I expect from this site: I guess I just don't want to feel so alone.// Whomever had the patience to read this, thanks. Just honestly venting feels better and I'm sorry it's so long. MtnGirlGo

I think what you can expect from this site is broadly categorized as:
SUPPORT in the form of others that have shared your experiences, a place to discuss what is going on with you and some ideas as to how others have managed to weigh and measure appropriate actions for themselves.  In addition, there is a wealth of INFORMATION on the site that helps us understand what BPD is and how we can best address the issues and problems that arise from being in relationship with someone affected.

You are not alone.  As I have related to what you said, many others here will be able to as well.  Keep posting and tell us more of your story.  Take some time to read the lessons and articles as well, I found reading very helpful in healing and processing.

Best, JRB

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MtnGirlGo, Welcome!  If you are reading SWOE, you are way ahead of where I was some years back, when I had no answers for the "wackadoodle" times with my BPDxW.

and feeling fearful of being "myself" (I'm not really who I used to be anymore... .my core self) ~ or having to stay away because I can tell something (negative) might happen. (Often when he's been drinking)

You put that well.  I lost myself, too, for a while there, which was not fun.  Do you have close friends or family to whom you can reach out?  It can be very isolating in a BPD r/s.  It's important to keep lines of communication open in order to keep things in perspective.

I pretended a lot in my 16-year marriage to a pwBPD.  I felt like I was living a lie.  Perhaps you can relate?

Many here have been down this path before you, so let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[MtnGirlGo]

Thanks Jim (and anyone else that responds). >>  I entitled my first entry "BP throughout my life" because there's more "Boarderline Issues" that have affected me all my life (of these I'm just coming to realize while reading the "Eggshells" book.) //  I'm not trying to sound like a victim. "Whoa is me... .I've been dealing with BP all my life", I'm just wanting to share that I'm shocked at how much this disorder has been so pervasive in affecting my whole life.// So let me start with this: My family loves my guy. Wonderful right? Well I've found over time that a good deal of this is due to his mirroring their ways of being... .primarily (ok wait for it, wait for it... .) my mom? (Yea, I have "mommy issues" with my guy.)// Often I have wondered why, when I have difficulties with him I often have "flashback" thoughts or negative physical feelings... .that I did all my life with my mom?/ Well guess what (you probably already have) I come to discover that my mom was full blown "BP" and so is my very, narcissistic brother. My father and I were the ones that regularly got beat up on. However, (just like with this guy) because it wasn't physical, or seen by most others... .it didn't exist to those we shared our true lives with. // I may be "ahead of the game" as it were, because I did take responsibility for my own difficulties in life and saw therapists in my 20's and 30's. (I was in the mental health profession and this was seen as a normal step for working through our own crap so we could help others). So you'd think I'd have seen this sooner, or at least recognized this in my own family? Well I didn't. I worked with "lower functioning" BP persons, and well, this was in the 90's when BP wasn't yet a well accepted diagnosis.// Anyway, it's starting to make much more sense as to why I was always (ok here's an irony) the "odd" one in the family ~ because I sought out peace, quiet, compassion, open-mindedness, and introspection of my own thought processes, feelings and actions./ I'm also adopted. So, literally nothing about me was like my family of raising.

[MtnGirlGo]

Hey everyone, it's late and I wore myself out cooking cause I was worked up by the simplest stupid conflict with him: " What ya been watchin on your computer Hon?" I asked with interest. He replied, " "Oh just looking at real estate." Innocent question on my part," Why are you looking at houses? I thought the one you just bought (with his other sibs for his parents needs) was what you wanted?" Immediately becoming angry he looks at me and harshly says in a scolding voice, " Don't... .ask me a question like that." I froze... .literally "deer in headlights", but then my non~reactive "brain" took over and told me, "just walk away, walk away... .this is nuts, don't be a part of crazy." I did. I walked out to the living room and sat down with a book. After a really long silence he actually came out and tried to apologize, " Umm, I'm sorry but that's just kind of a topic I'm sensitive about." I should have left it alone (Did HE just use the word "sensitive", really? Don't I know he's tiptoeing into vulnerability?) But no, my reactive self said (quietly, and not in his face), " How do I know you're sensitive about that?" He immediately went on the defensive and "back-peddled" with justifying his former reaction AND implying that I was what(?) being uncaring, stating directively " Anyone would be sensitive about that."// Jeez, I get that I pushed a button, but the feeling after... .of complete and utter helplessness to effect any change in this crazy conflict has go me all wound up.

[schwing]

Hi MtnGirlGo and

... .I am coming to believe that I live with a high functioning BP. He is quite successful in important areas of his life such as employment, getting "things" done, finances, taking responsibility for most "life" demands. // This is why no one believes we have "reasonable" problems, or that I'm being verbally abused.

High functioning people with BPD (pwBPD) scare me the most.  One aspect to consider about pwBPD, is that their disorder manifest most clearly when they are dealing with relationships of an intimate or familial nature.  So they can be perfectly functional, so long as their professional associations are kept at a distance.

I don't know how he is at his work, but it appears that only I, experience "lashing out" unexpectedly. // We go through an undefined cycle of "ok" (we're getting along and I can relax and freely express myself)... .to some "wakadoodle time" of this not being the case at all (Then, I have to be careful of every observation, comment, what I choose to do during, "no win situations presented by the BP" ). // The times that are "ok", I live a fairly "normal" life and strive for balance and health... .working on my own life's goals. But then we unexpectedly cycle into "crazy land" and I respond emotionally (privately) to his lashing out with: confusion, anger, unexpressed rage, sadness, despair, feelings of hopelessness and being "trapped" (because of course I can't immediately confront him or express how his behaviour, or what he said made me feel... .and if by some miracle I can ~ after he calms down... .the situation is always distorted and I risk a re-escalation of the conflict between us. So, I usually just back down and don't say anything more.//

See if this observations/hypothesis plays out in your dynamic: but I find that pwBPD are particularly triggered by experiences that reinforce familiarity or intimacy.  The obvious examples are "special occasions" (such as birthdays and family holidays) during which my BPD loved ones can always be counted on to create some kind of drama.  But I wonder if it is because of what happens during your "ok" and "fairly normal life" periods that end up provoking him to lash out.

This can be very non-intuitive for non-disordered people.  From our perspective, when we have more intimate interactions and become more familiar and comfortable/casual with each other, our relationship bonds are made stronger.   But I wonder, if for pwBPD, these kinds of interactions provoke their disordered feelings which resulting in straining and breaking these bonds.

I am working on moving my life forward to either deal with this relationship as it is ~ with literal distancing (time away from him to do healthy things for myself & being in other places in or out of our home) and with future plans of how to leave if "things" never get better even after I've improved reasonable "triggers of conflict" on my end of this situation.//

Something to consider as you apply distance and consider plans to leave is that: with distance, he will be less likely to act out on his disordered feelings (because they will be less provoked).  And when he is faced with potential for *real* abandonment (as opposed to his *imagined* abandonment), such as when he senses that you intend to leave him, he will turn full on seduction mode and try to woo you back to him -- or else he will abandon you first before you can leave him. This is why a lot of non end up hesitating with their plans of leaving, hesitate or completely change their mind.

I just hate the times of "shutdown" I experience, after an incident... .and feeling fearful of being "myself" (I'm not really who I used to be anymore... .my core self) ~ or having to stay away because I can tell something (negative) might happen. (Often when he's been drinking)// Oh yea, forgot to mention: He may be a "high functioning" alcoholic as well. Because he can drink four micro brews after work (sometimes a shot or two of tequilla with this) and go to work soundly the next day... .this isn't a problem, right? (His belief)// This is when I REALLY have to be careful and just assume the 1950's housewife "be seen and not heard" persona. I pretend to be upbeat and nothing is negative about my day/life ~ and I do my damnedest to create an environment that's pleasing to him, or not complain if it's not to my liking (loud TV/ lights on all over the house/ ridiculous things said with a loud voice by him)... .or I just get out (to go shopping, walk the dogs ~ even at night... .we're in a safe part of the world where a bigger dog is a deterrent thankfully.)

Sadly I think that best ways to interact with our BPD loved ones can reduce our relationship to that of a care giver or a room mate -- not necessarily that between spouses.  Then again, to each their own.

You'll need to decide for yourself to what degree are you willing to deny yourself of who you are and what you need in order to avoid your BPD loved one's ire.

... .I'm just wanting to share that I'm shocked at how much this disorder has been so pervasive in affecting my whole life. ... .I come to discover that my mom was full blown "BP" and so is my very, narcissistic brother.

I would have ended up marrying the analog of my mother if my relationship with my BPD loved one persisted.  There is a reason why we are drawn towards pwBPD having come from BPD families of origin: it was what was most familiar to us.  It "felt" easy... .partly from conditioning.

... .Innocent question on my part," Why are you looking at houses? I thought the one you just bought (with his other sibs for his parents needs) was what you wanted?" Immediately becoming angry he looks at me and harshly says in a scolding voice, " Don't... .ask me a question like that." I froze... .literally "deer in headlights", but then my non~reactive "brain" took over and told me, "just walk away, walk away... .this is nuts, don't be a part of crazy." I did.

Your reaction is a conditioned reaction.  You know, that any discourse past this point will be very painful.  So you avoided it.  But I wonder if he reacted the way he did, because he knows that if you knew what he was really up to, you would not be happy.  Sometimes the best defense is a good offense.

" Umm, I'm sorry but that's just kind of a topic I'm sensitive about."

Which begs the question: why is he sensitive about being observed why looking at real estate?

Best wishes,

Schwing